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TranceTara -> RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "financially successful"? (2/1/2009 7:07:14 PM)
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quote:
Well, actually, I wasn't all that nice. I was called on it...and the person who did so was right...I was wrong (and rude), ergo, I deleted same. The point was made quite well enough without my effervescence.
I don't know what you said, but I admire you for admitting you were wrong.
I have been given many diagnoses by psychiatrists and friends over the years only to find it was a medication I took, and had to go back on in low doses for the time being, that caused most of my biochemical imbalances. And, I realize, those imbalances have made me who I am, so I wouldn't trade the experience.
Sure, sometimes I do wonder what may have happened if i did not have the "foggy head" or depressions and manic episodes? What would a "normal" life have been like? Then I must ask myself, "What is normal?" And I realize I am perfectly normal for me.
I watched my mind as I read all the posts about those that are mentally ill. When I felt anger arise I had to sit with it and find I had been sitting in judgment of myself. When I was able to let that go, I found peace. I just realized there are some people I would never be close with, and that is quite alright. I understand how draining being a caretaker can be. It is not easy and some just wish for a partner that can be there for them. I honour that.
And yet, life offers no guarantees. Illness, accidents, death can strike at any time. Sure, I have my ideal Mistress. She is One who knows the chakras, plays with Tantra, feels the energy, and knows massage. I studied massage, cranial sacral work, energy work and toy with armomatherapy, tuning forks, light sound machines and other mind altering energies and tones. I have made love with the Universe and gone to places that intense pain and BDSM has not brought me to, so one Domme pointed out, it was not fair to compare such states to a human for that was unfair of me. The Universe may have someone else in mind for me. Yes, I feel I can create my own world, as The Secret has talked about and many other New Age ideologies. But then there is this thing called karma. Perhaps who I am meant to be with is not what my fantasy is. A slave I spoke with said his Master turned out to be someone he never would have been attracted to. He had to open his heart and realize what a gift was bestowed upon him. Perhaps my path in this life is one of caretaker. I have no answers.
I cut off communication with a Mistress for I realized my mood swings were too much. She had mentioned she might withdraw, I had not heard from her so I deleted my account and there was no more communication. In my eyes I did the noble thing for I prevented her from further suffering and I could feel she had enough. I felt a failure for awhile but some healing souls helped me see that although I was not good for her, I was not bad. I can now see that and not beat myself up for it.
I also watched how I reacted when I read quote:
Give me a friend with what the world deems a mental "impairment" every day. Those are the ones that add color to my life. Those are the ones that can see birds when everyone else only see's a white stain on their car.
Those are the ones that can make rainbows explode out of a somber world. I started to cry. Then I smiled for that inner child in me wanted to be your friend. lol Such is the nature of the mind, the heart, the soul. I stop to thank birds for their songs. I watch that I don't trample on bugs. I am even know to caress a tree as I walk by it on the hard cement in LA. I feel their energy caressing my soul. And yet, I know many do not wish to be with someone like me. And, like you, I am fine with it. My life is full and if the Universe should grant me someone to share it with than that would be nice. If not, I have wonderful friends and a plethora of energies caressing me each moment.
quote:
Most of the world's best artists, musicians, economists...indeed, the worlds greatest producers of all that we today deem incredible...had some stroke of mental "deficiency" for lack of a better word.
An author I love is Kay Redfield Jamieson. She has a PhD in psychology and works at Johns Hopkins. She wrote an autobiography about her days when her bipolar disorder was out of control. She is well respected in the medical community and was lucky to find someone to stick with her through her episodes. And, in one of her books she mentioned that the year before he committed suicide, Van Gogh painted over 300 paintings. He was in a manic phase.
I have no idea what the future holds. Some days I get the thought how nice it would be to just go to sleep and never wake up. I am tired. I am tired of working my arse off for a corporation that says they care when their actions say differently. I am tired of a world in which people cannot accept the differences in others. I am tired of what we do in the name of humanity. And then a bird sings. I am home. I am One. To some I am insane and I am quite alright with that. I am smiling and know the Mayans were right on. 2012, here I CUM! [:D]
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