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Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:25:19 AM

colouredin

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Ok so sorry this is going to sound very bitchy. There is a girl who I have met once because she came to my munch, I do not like her now she has acted very inappropriatly towards me. No details I just cant stand the girl. Anyways she doesnt like me either, and recently that has become more evident by comments etc and she has decided to come to my munch obviously with the intention to stir (I know this because she told a friend of mine who she used to date) so heres the thing, can I ask her not to come? Can I tell her she isnt welcome? I dont think I can, but I dont really want to feel like I cant go to my own munch but at the same time I dont really want to get into anything with her. Ohhhh the drama, what should I do guys?

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:32:13 AM

alysia

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From: Wales
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Maybe go and see her beforehand and ask her why she has behaved this way and tell her that if she continues to behave in this manner then she will not be welcome at the munch?

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:35:32 AM

BlueRadar

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Stand your ground. You're giving control of your emotions away.
Keep 'em. They're yours, after all

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:35:36 AM

littlewonder

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If its your munch you can do whatever the hell you feel like, invite whoever you like.

Tell her she's not welcome and forget about it.

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:36:18 AM

colouredin

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I cant see her before hand because no one knows where she lives (its an odd situation) I mean I could pull her aside at some point and have words if her behaviour is questionable. But then it would be obvious what I was doing (its a very intimate venue)

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:40:40 AM

alysia

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Then alysia would just tell her to keep away. As littlewonder said... it is your munch so why should you be made to feel uncomfortable.

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:41:43 AM

GabrielleSlave

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OOoh that's an awkward one. i know what i would like to do if it happened at my munch, but being the conflict-avoiding person that i am i would not be able to do it. Do you have her email address? Can you message her your feelings about her coming to the munch. It is your munch, and yes you should be able to run it however you like and no, you should not have to put up with rubbish from anyone, but i know that can be harder than it seems. i think i would have to ask Master, or my co-host who is also Dom to have a word for me lol! Such a wuss, but then you can't have folk stirring things on purpose, the whole point of coming to a munch is to be with like minded folk in a non judgemental environment isn't it? She is not biding by the rules is she?? My advice, find a way to get rid without causing too many ripples.

Good luck and hugs

gabrielle x

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:44:50 AM

DesFIP

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If you run the munch, then yes you can uninvite her. If someone else is in charge, ask them.

Since you don't know where she lives you will have to wait until she again shows and then say because of her inappropriate attitude she is not welcome. Perhaps watch for her at the front door and turn her away there. But I see nothing wrong in telling the other members what you told us, that she told people her only reason in attending is to cause trouble. Then leave it like that.

If you think she will cause a scene, then call the other members, inform them of the situation and that because of that, you wish to change the venue to another restaurant.

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:45:55 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GabrielleSlave

OOoh that's an awkward one. i know what i would like to do if it happened at my munch, but being the conflict-avoiding person that i am i would not be able to do it.

Yeah im not good at conflict either, but I have taken a bit of your advice and messaged my co-host (who like yours is a Domme) and hopefully she will feel a bit more able to deal with it. Its such a shame cos its normally a really nice group of people.

ta everyone for your advice.

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Post #: 9

RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:46:29 AM

MissMorrigan

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Hi Coloured, it's a very awkward situation to find yourself in and it's bound to happen in any kind of social setting. BlueRadar has given some good advice. You can not influence how this other person behaves, but you can change to what degree you allow it to affect you. I know your friend is trying to be a friend, but they really are not helping by perpetuating negative feelings insofar as the gossip is concerned. There's an old saying, "it takes an enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you." You may never get her to like you, and vice versa, so I would just concern myself with talking to my friends at the munch and if others are noticing catty comments, it won't be long before the munch organiser is taking notice also. Good luck x

I have experienced a similar situation, although not via a munch. I'm not sure why, and she doesn't know either, H and I took what seemed to be an instant dislike to one another. We had a mutual friend and the atmosphere was fraught at times when we were all in the same room together. I'd hear from my friend comments that H had been saying about me (I was in my late teens, so this is a loong ass time ago) and it further reinforced my dislike, and at times I felt upset, frustrated, angry and on the verge of smacking her (how could someone not like me, I'm adorable, damnit!!!). Then H and I found ourselves thrust into a situation where we had to not only converse, but work together as a team to get something resolved. We actually got to talking to one another. Even more shocking, the ice had been broken and we found ourselves actually enjoying talking to one another. It transpired that the friend had felt threatened at a potential loss of friendship rather than take the perspective that she'd be gaining an extra one so manufactured the situation in her favour. The upshot is that H and I became firm friends, we're still in touch with each other after all these years. I have not made the same mistake since and I'm not saying that the above has the potential in your situation, just that with 'helping hands' the situation can only worsen unless you govern the direction you want it to follow.

< Message edited by MissMorrigan -- 1/30/2009 4:00:24 AM >

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:46:31 AM

sirsholly

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it is your munch. If she cannot behave like an adult she does not belong there.

ETA...the longer you go without addressing the issue with her, the more bold in her rudeness she will be, and the more she will feel her behavior is acceptable

< Message edited by sirsholly -- 1/30/2009 3:47:50 AM >

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:53:09 AM

LaTigresse

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I can only tell you what I would do, if I wanted to go.

Take my time, put on my best war paint, most awesome clothes, and best IamtheQueenofthefuckinUniverseIrule, attitude that would intimidate the Queen herself. I would also quitely make sure to tell a few people I knew and trusted what I was worried about, and go.

I have found that a heaping dose of self confidence works wonders. I would also pretend this person was not even there at all, unless she approached me. Then I would do my best impersonation of my great aunt, a southern belle transplant if there ever was one, and be so god damned polite and nice to her (rather like the queen being kind enough to talk to a servant) and let her make a fool of herself..............IF she has the balls to.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:57:58 AM

mistoferin

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One can only stir that which is stir-able.

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 3:59:22 AM

GabrielleSlave

Posts: 616
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From: in servitude
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I can only tell you what I would do, if I wanted to go.

Take my time, put on my best war paint, most awesome clothes, and best IamtheQueenofthefuckinUniverseIrule, attitude that would intimidate the Queen herself. I would also quitely make sure to tell a few people I knew and trusted what I was worried about, and go.

I have found that a heaping dose of self confidence works wonders. I would also pretend this person was not even there at all, unless she approached me. Then I would do my best impersonation of my great aunt, a southern belle transplant if there ever was one, and be so god damned polite and nice to her (rather like the queen being kind enough to talk to a servant) and let her make a fool of herself..............IF she has the balls to.

*adores LaT and politely extends invite to sort out any future problems at the Greenwich Munch!*

_____________________________

Slave to Master Slayer

~ Host of the Rather Marvelous Greenwich Munch ~

"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master."
D. H. Lawrence

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 14

RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 4:15:47 AM

LaTigresse

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Why thank you! You are darned adorable too. In all honesty, this is the kind of stuff that I have absolutely ZERO patience for. I expect adults to behave like adults and when they don't I have been known to tell them they are making a complete ass of themself. Which is why I tend to avoid joining clubs, groups, etc. The petty games and silly politics. I refuse to be sucked in, then someone assumes I am being a stuck up bitch. If I try and explain my feelings, they often look at me like I've lost my mind, or just said the most offensive thing possible. Usually because it hit a nerve.

I have dealt with people that, for whatever reason, are trying to get a rise out of me. And I have found that killing them with kindness, even if it is not 100% sincere, is often the best way to deal. Nothing anyone can dump back on me, and it REALLY tends to annoy the living hell out of the perp! And the sadistic bitch in me just LOVES watching their face, knowing they so badly want to blow up, but because I've said and done nothing to warrant it, it is just killing them. I remember confronting a woman, that thought she could steal something from me, at the grocery store. ( I had just "retrieved" it......all on the QT) and left her wondering how, why, where, etc. Afterwards she had been running around town trash talking me, typical. Didn't bother me as she really was digging herself a hole. But when I walked around the corner and came face to face with her in that grocery store and said "Whyyyy hello Renee!!! How are you? It has been ages. I hope the kids and Ron are doing well?" Paused for a moment to enjoy her speechless stunned look. Then said "I can see you are busy so I won't keep you. You have a great day. Say hello to Ron for me! Byeee." and walked away.

Several years later, I saw her then, ex husband, at an art festival. He simply said "hello......... you are gooooood". I thanked him and moved on.

Just have to know how to handle the head cases and drama freaks. Often it is the opposite of what they expect as it throws them off balance. Usually though, I do it by avoiding them.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to GabrielleSlave)

Post #: 15

RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 4:20:37 AM

SpareBoyfriend

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Since you are running the munch, you should try to remain professional and objective about it. I'd wait for her to show up, then wait for her to be disruptive, then decide what to do. If those don't happen, I wouldn't worry about it. It would take a lot of balls to show up at someone else's much and talk smack about them. I expect that most in attendance would immediately see her as someone trying to cause drama and not put any stock into what she said.

If you uninvite her before anything happens based on the personal drama between the two of you, then you are establishing a precedent that the munch is your private social club. To me, that would be more damaging than whatever drama she could bring with her.

(in reply to colouredin)

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 4:25:43 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpareBoyfriend

If you uninvite her before anything happens based on the personal drama between the two of you, then you are establishing a precedent that the munch is your private social club. To me, that would be more damaging than whatever drama she could bring with her.

Yeah I agree, I also think that its possibly just a threat and if I rise to it then its like throwing down the gauntlet. I think instead I will leave it as it is, I have told one or two of my friends who come so that they know it may happen. Then from that im going to pull a LAT and make sure I look fab and rise above it all. I think I was concerned that she would say something that would undermine me but then I also know that I get on very well with most of the people who come and Im pretty sure they will see it for the BS that it is.

I think I just needed to run it past people here because it obviously did affect me, and its right that I shouldnt let it, but at least this way she is unaware of it getting to me and I can go with a bit more strength (my cm support in my head)

Seriously guys Id be lost without yous

_____________________________

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There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to SpareBoyfriend)

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 4:26:12 AM

emdoub

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Yup - it is a toughie. I run a munch, and have taken the policy that, as long as they behave at the munch, they're welcome - which greatly reduces the politics, but leaves me dealing with more folk than I like who think backbiting is fun.

Another munch in the area, almost as longstanding, uses the policy "if you annoy one of the organizers, you'll be quietly told to not come back". That munch has stayed relatively small, but probably more comfy for the people who run it.

I have, at need, loudly kicked people out for violation of the (remarkably few) rules - but I'm not at all shy about confrontation. About every 3 years or so, somebody will violate another's consent (mostly unwelcome groping), or be disruptive during the community announcement event, but mostly, everyone behaves.

It's a tough call, but it works both ways - either anyone who hasn't misbehaved is welcome, or you can toss out the people you don't want there, but others will bitch behind your back about politics. Either way, it's not entirely happy, but there's unlikely to be any blood on the floor when it's done.

If you do decide to toss Miss Unpleasant out, having a trusted friend pull her aside and explain that she's not welcome is likely to cause less drama than if you do it yourself, and if nobody else hears what's said, everyone saves face - and the rumor mill has lots less to work with.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Midnight Writer

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RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 4:32:02 AM

marie2

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For me, it would depend on the circumstances. If this is a private, by invite only, type of gathering, then I simply wouldn't invite her, and I would tell the others in the group not to invite her and not to tell her when/where the gathering is going to be held. But if this is an announced get-together that's advertised on a public site inviting local bdsmers to a munch that's held in a public place, and open to all who would like to attend, then I wouldn't feel like I could just allow some and not others.

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Post #: 19

RE: Tricky situation - 1/30/2009 4:55:24 AM

Lashra

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Your munch, your guests...you invite who you want to come. If you don't want her there simply tell her. It is much better than having her come and make you uncomfortable or worse, a scene could break out between you two. So enjoy yourself, tell the chick to stay home.

~Lashra

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