Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Dilemma...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Dilemma... Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 8:43:30 AM   
MyWorldCT


Posts: 98
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: feydeplume

There is a ton of good advice on this page, but in the end, i think you know what you want to do. You don't like him (for whatever reasons) and you do like her. It sounds a bit like one of the issues is that you don't want to be a bitch and make his life hell, even though you DO want to do just that. It might really crush her, if their relationship isn't open for him, but as Nikitaa said, if he is perusing you, chances are he is perusing others and you are now (for a few reasons) involved in their relationship.

All I can really offer is flat out ask her if he is free to pursue others. That might put your mind to rest or give you a road map for where you feel and think you need to go next.



I agree whole heartedly.  I am a Dom (sorry if I am butting-in where I do not belong, just trying to catch up and see what these forums are all about), but I think that honest communication is of the highest value in any situation where one party has an "issue" which can be answered with just a question.  Try a question like this, "Hey [insert name here], are you and your Dom [insert name here] in a monogamous relationship?"  Don't get stressed-out over what a simple question can solve... make your life easier and ask the hard questions, if needed.

If she questions you back, then reading between the lines, you will know that this is not a monogamous relationship and she has some insecurity or trust issues with him already.  If she did not understand the rules up-front and they did not have this VERY important conversation pre-collaring, then he needs to re-learn a dom's basic responsibilities to his sub/slave, and she needs to have more friends with good advice like that above.

(in reply to feydeplume)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 1:11:59 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		"Hi ________:

Sir _______ has approached me, saying he'd like to play with me. Since I know you and he are together, I'd like everything to be out in the open. While it is not my intent to "tattle" or to run to you with accusations of indiscretions, I would like to be sure that what is decided is something you are aware of and are ok with. I haven't made any decisions yet, but feel that out of respect to you and your relationship with Sir _________, I need to be sure that this is something you are ok with. If it isn't, I obviously wouldn't intrude on your or your relationship with him."

Say it in person and without shame. Don't offer up the information that he doesn't see the relationship in the same vein she does. Do this respectfully and then, honor what she says. Watch body language that may contradict her words as she responds to you.

You assuring her that you respect her enough to stand aside should this be something she's uncomfortable with should take care of any worries you have regarding your budding friendship with her. How her dominant views the relationship vs how she views the relationship is what isn't your business and shouldn't be communicated to the girl. If she's not ok with what's going on, it won't matter if you told her what was told to you or not. If she is ok with it, then it won't matter then either.

Whatever her response is though, at the end of the day, you're going to have to decide if you want to get involved with someone who is not exactly forthcoming with the person already in his life about his views of their relationship. If he's not forthcoming with her, then chances are, he won't be forthcoming with you. And if he's told her something different than he's communicated to you, then the reality is that he's lying to someone. While it's not your job to figure out who, it is your responsibility to yourself to decide if you want to be involved with someone who would lie about something as important as the depth of the relationship he has to the person he's involved with.

Just my opinion.

juliet


(in reply to MyWorldCT)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 2:08:52 PM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		And since you don't want to play (or have much to do with from the sound of it) the guy, you don't have to take his "feelings" into account. You care about you and about her. There is a budding friendship between you two. Be a friend to her. Don't try to be tricky, just tell her how surprised  you were that her guy messaged you with an invite of that sort.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to MyWorldCT)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 2:43:06 PM   
BondageBarbieX


Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline 		Tell him no that you do not condone cheating and move on..I would not tell her unless you want to cause drama.

(in reply to Carnae7)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 2:55:34 PM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Carnae7

Thank you for all the support everyone!  It's true that I am not very close to this woman - yet!  But she is really wonderful, we hang with the same crowd, and I'd be really honoured if she were to think of me as dearly as I think of her.  She is an absolutley wonderful person, gentle, funny, smart and honest.  I certainly feel very protective of her and would really like to establish much more of a bond with her.  

Which is part of the reason I'm having such a struggle.  I do not want to upset her in any way.  If I tell her and she does not want to hear, it may ruin our budding friendship.  But if I don't tell her and she discovers that her guy went behind her back and wrote and asked me to play with Him, that may ruin our friendship as well.  Especially if I don't say anything to her about it.

But so far, I'm thinking my best course of action is to try to gently determine what sort of boundaries they have set for their relationship, determine if she is aware that He plays and that she is fine with it.  I'll decide from there what will be my best course of action.

I really appreciate everyone for speaking up and giving me options to choose from.  Thank you soo much.  And she's gone for the weekend, so I'll have time to hear more suggestions if anyone feels they have some wise words for me.  ~smiles~   Or at least a tried and true method for dealing with this type of scenario. 

Once again, thank you everyone.

Hi Carnae,

you aren't the one who is hurting her, He is !!!
she has a right to know, you care about her,
just ask yourself this question:

what would you want to hear, when the roles were reversed?

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`


_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to Carnae7)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 3:48:28 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		It comes to the matter of truth here. Your friend deserves that amount of respect from you, imo. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I would just say are you two in a monogomous relationship? Then take the cue from there.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 5:03:19 PM   
sparkyRBF


Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		I've been in this same situation.  

I let the guy know i wasn't going to let him hurt my friend and went to my friend.  I went to her and let her know that i loved her and didn't want to see her hurt but that he had approached me wanting to play.

I was worried about her shooting the messanger but i figured if she did then 1. she wasn't that good of a friend to begin with.  or 2.  she would thank me for it and realize i did care about it her and was just looking out for as a good friend should. 

In the end, you have to live with yourself and the decisions you make.   What is going to happen if she finds out the 'hard' way and ends up finding out you knew?  how would you feel if it was you?    I know if i knew my friends knew and didn't help me, warn me...  i wouldn't count them among my friends anymore.. they'd be off the christmas card list.

by the way.. my dear friend choose option 2 and we still talk.  They are getting married in Dec.  They are poly

good luck to you.


_____________________________

sparkyRBF
Happily owned slave
of
RedBotttomFarms

(in reply to Carnae7)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 8:25:29 PM   
Tapestry


Posts: 226
Joined: 10/29/2005
Status: offline 		Even though some may consider this trite, I've always found that the best course of action in every situation is to:

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

There is certainly less archaic wording for the Golden Rule, that's just the way I memorized it close to 4 decades ago, and that's the one that sticks with me.
Anyway - you can't go wrong when you follow this guideline because then, even if the situation ends badly, you still behaved in a manner that was true to your self and consistent with your core values.  And at the end of the day, how she reacts and what happens in her relationship is not nearly as important as remaining true to who you are in your innermost being.

Peace
Tapestry


_____________________________

Tapestry

Daddy's Little Girl

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."

www.tapestry41.blogspot.com

(in reply to Carnae7)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 9:10:05 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tapestry

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.



What we now know as "The Golden Rule" predates Christianity, FYI. There are many examples of it being stated in different ways, in ancient Greek philosophy for example. But what I want to say about it is this:

It's not always the right thing to do. Because people don't always want to be treated the way you would want to be treated.

So, if you think you're doing the right thing for someone else because its what you would want done for you, you may be wrong.



_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Tapestry)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Dilemma... - 2/1/2009 2:27:40 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		~FR~

You want to be friends with her but you are not 'yet' her friend. The old adage "kill the messenger" comes to mind with this scenario. If you tell her, I wouldn't expect a friendship to form from it. I strongly disagree with JulietSierra - you have made a decision and to pretend otherwise is dishonest. It's a deceptive practice to out him without looking like the bad guy, period.

Look at the consequences of your possible actions. You may look like a bad guy or a hero. You may drive a wedge between them which is not there. You are probably unaware of their actual, personal relationship and know only one side of the true story, what agreements they have in place, whether or not she's already aware of his feelings or a hundred other things to which you are not privy.

It's your decision. You can put on a shiny suit of armor and try to save her if you wish, but be aware that those suits can quickly turn to rust when that sort of 'saving' isn't appreciated or when it's unwarranted and you probably don't have enough information to know one way or the other.




_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Dilemma... - 2/1/2009 2:50:48 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		If she's made a decision then the point is moot. If she's considering playing with the guy, then asking the submissive if this is ok with her is nothing more than being polite and respectful of what's already there. It is no different than if someone chooses to play with someone who is married. You meet the spouse, and have a conversation regarding the possible fact that it's either ok or not to play. The person coming in is, in effect being respectful of the spouse. It's not her job to tattle on the husband.  If the husband has given the new girl information that probably should have remained between the husband and wife, then frankly, the new girl, if she really does respect the marriage that exists, should just keep her mouth shut.

In this case, while the guy isn't a husband, all this girl knows is what he told her. She does NOT know if it's true. So, to me she should be respectful of the woman and find out her basic question - is it ok that she plays with the guy - without being the person that damages what already exists - in whatever form it exists. 

Other than finding out whether she'd be intruding or not, the dynamics of the existing relationship is none of her business. It's not about outing anyone while trying to be the good guy. Going to the submissive to be sure things are ok with her before playing with her Master is simply polite. In truth, there might be some who would argue that it shouldn't matter. But it does and asking that is respectful of her. The rest is between the two people in the existing relationship. The rest of the stuff is simply drama.

juliet




< Message edited by julietsierra -- 2/1/2009 2:51:17 AM >

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Dilemma... - 2/1/2009 2:52:55 AM   
ALAstella


Posts: 253
Joined: 12/3/2008
Status: offline 		Never get yourself involved in any relationship where the signals aren't clear.

stella

_____________________________

The Resident Artistes (by GT)

New Year's Day 2009.
When you don't understand the reason why, that's love.

http://www.simply-q.org
http://www.q-fringe.org

(in reply to MyWorldCT)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Dilemma... - 2/1/2009 2:55:26 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

If she's made a decision then the point is moot. If she's considering playing with the guy, then asking the submissive if this is ok with her is nothing more than being polite and respectful of what's already there. It is no different than if someone chooses to play with someone who is married.


Did you read the OP? She has made a decision, so why you offered the advice you did is beyond me and why I said that I strongly disagree with it. No more, no less than that. 

From her OP

"I have absolutely NO intention of playing with this guy for various personal reasons, the first of which, he just does not turn me on in the least!!"



_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Dilemma... - 2/1/2009 12:53:59 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Fine... then walk away. Nothing else is her business. I don't know what the big deal is.

juliet

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Dilemma... - 2/1/2009 1:24:17 PM   
PerversePrincess


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline 		I think that there are a variety of options available to you, but ultimately the decision is yours.  It may come down to a choice between the lesser of two evils simply due to the fact that you do not have complete information.  However, I also think that the bottom line comes down to the fact that *you* have to live with whatever decision you make, so try to ascertain which action will result in you not staying up all night worrying.  If, in fact, you decide to do something that has a less than favorable outcome, at least you tried and your intentions were honorable and consistent with your ethics.  It is obvious to me that you are trying to be a friend, you just may not know the best way to meet her needs within that friendship, given the situation.

I wish you the best in whichever course of action you decide to take.  I think that perhaps this woman needs to be given the benefit of the doubt in that she most likely will recognize that you are trying to do whats best, and that you did consider her and her needs when making your decision.  If she fails to see that, then is she really deserving of your friendship?

_____________________________

I only have sex with people I love. I just happen to love everyone.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dilemma... - 2/1/2009 2:42:51 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Carnae7
I have absolutely NO intention of playing with this guy for various personal reasons, the first of which, he just does not turn me on in the least!!

And I've thought about writing to her and asking if she knows about this and is okay with it, because if that were me, I'd like to know about it. Even if she knows he plays with others and is fine with it, I still feel an obligation to tell her.

So my question is... What would you do in this type of scenario? How would you handle it?


What I would do is say "Thanks, but no thanks" and move on with my life.  Why meddle when it's not necessary?  Why do you feel such an obligation to "tell."  He asked, you have no desire or intention to do it, so tell him and let it go.  That's what I'd do..........luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 2/1/2009 2:43:21 PM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Carnae7)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Dilemma... - 2/2/2009 6:29:30 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think that you tell her at all. This is between you and the Dom. What is so hard about telling him that he is not what you are looking for. Blow it off and continue your friendship with the woman. Simple. Why complicate it.  

(in reply to bamagirl4u)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Dilemma... - 2/2/2009 11:24:23 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		If it was me now matter how much it hurt i would want to know. Either way it would hurt but 6 months down the road it might hurt more.  I think you should tell her, she might get mad but if she is a friend she will know you did it out of concern for her.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Dilemma... - 2/3/2009 2:25:16 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		yep - i agree with littleone. She needs to know.
If their relationship is poly then great, if not - then not so great - but at least she has the info to make an informed decision about her life.

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Dilemma... - 2/3/2009 2:47:16 PM   
hopelessfool


Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I agree to tell her. Play in many cases involves sex, Sex leads to risk of stds. I mean Id like to know if my partner is out there fucking people without my knowledge. Or so how would you feel if he plays with another girl and your budding friendship turnes into her telling you she now has hiv, because her dom played her.

Id take all the hell in the world to be told the truth. And When I was told this information from my cheating dom i thanked the woman, and informed her that I appricated the information. She appologized and told me she didnt realize he was involved until she clicked the friends link in his profile to me and it stated i was under his control.

In the end hes now got hep c, and she and i are thankfully clean.


_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Dilemma... Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094