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Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 7:39:46 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Now so I met a Dom hes quite nice, we get on and we went on a date. All is lovely and then I get a phone call. He lives with a woman, they are not married and are not in a sexual relationship however he stays with her for the ums. Seems really sad to me.

Anyways My response was I will carry on seeing you just so long as you tell her and shes ok with it. He doesnt want to tell her. Is it wrong to insist this? I have known people who do have an ignorance is bliss mentality, they know whats going on and dont want to be told about it. However if there are no romantic feelings there where is the harm?

Im sorry I have no experience of this stuff. Im pretty sure that I am going to get most people saying that I can only do what I am comfortable with and I agree, Im just looking for a bit of insight.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 7:52:23 AM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with you. If things are as he describes them, there should be no problem in telling her. If he is lying, there will be major problems telling her.
If he is lying to you and to her .... my guess is both of you will be taken advantage of.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 7:54:00 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin
Anyways My response was I will carry on seeing you just so long as you tell her and shes ok with it. He doesnt want to tell her. Is it wrong to insist this?

I don't think it's wrong in any way.  If you are not comfortable with seeing him without her knowledge, then you must insist upon him filling her in.  I don't see that as forcing your morals on anyone.  It's simply living your life the way you feel is right, comfortable and moral.  It's not wrong to ask that he respect that.  It all comes down to which he wants more: (A) continuing to see you or (B) giving that up to not make waves with her.  If there's no romance as he says, why would he be so hesitant to just explain about his relationship with you?

Stick to your guns and don't go against what you need and believe.  He'll either respect it or he won't and...if he won't...whaddya need him for anyways?

luci

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 7:55:57 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		I concur. 

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 8:16:19 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		He has the right to choose not to share this information with the person at home. You have the right to make sure that you're not stepping where you feel you shouldn't step. If what he wants isn't what you need and what you want isn't what he is willing to do, then before you get too far in so that your emotions are mixed up in all this, step away and move on to find someone that more closely matches what you're looking for in a play mate, a dominant, a Master.

That's not forcing your morals on him and that's also him not forcing his morals on you. That's the both of you being true to yourselves. And you don't need to make a judgment call on him for not wanting to share this information, just as he doesn't need to make a judgment against you for wanting to be up front.

juliet

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 8:22:17 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		my gut feeling?  If he's not prepared to share something this important with the woman he lives with, the mother of his kids, then can you really trust him not to hide stuff from you too?

I would feel very uncomfortable being with someone who is so comfortable with lying.


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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 9:06:14 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Imo if he won't tell her then there's more going on here than you think. I personally would move on and forget him.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 9:40:35 AM   
VeryNastyDom


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline 		Hmmn, not married and not in a sexual relationship with this woman, but living together.  It happens all the time, and that is what you call a  housemate.  The question you have to ask is why a grown man would care if his housemate knew he had a new girlfriend if the relationship was purely Platonic?

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 9:44:13 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I think that I lose some respect for someone who says they are staying somewhere for the kids.  In my jaded opinion, they are just fooling themselves, and/or justifying what they are doing.  It's either a non-romantic relationship where they are co-parenting platonically, or it's not.  In this case, it sounds like "not".

Therefore, I could not be in a relationship with someone under the circumstances described in the OP.


Cali


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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 9:44:41 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		Number 1: What you describe is in no way forcing your morals on someone else. Sounds more like being true to yourself and your morals if you refuse to be involved with him if he doesn't tell her you are when it's a stipulation of a continued relationship with anyone involved or possibly involved with another already.

It would make it impossible for me to believe his explanation of the living arrangements if he won't tell her he's involved with someone. I would personally move on. By experience, situations like this and similar usually do not end well and it comes out the person was lying to both all along. Might not be so in this case, but might be after all. It is the case often enough that I would end it and move on. I know I do not need more drama and bs in my life than I already have to deal with.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 10:01:56 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		What insight is there?  He wants to cheat.  He wants to have his fun with you and not take serious responsibility while maintaining the facade of happy family with them.

Is that what you want for your life?

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 10:07:06 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now so I met a Dom hes quite nice, we get on and we went on a date. All is lovely and then I get a phone call. He lives with a woman, they are not married and are not in a sexual relationship however he stays with her for the ums. Seems really sad to me.

Anyways My response was I will carry on seeing you just so long as you tell her and shes ok with it. He doesnt want to tell her. Is it wrong to insist this? I have known people who do have an ignorance is bliss mentality, they know whats going on and dont want to be told about it. However if there are no romantic feelings there where is the harm?

Im sorry I have no experience of this stuff. Im pretty sure that I am going to get most people saying that I can only do what I am comfortable with and I agree, Im just looking for a bit of insight.

It's not wrong to have personal limits of what you'll tolerate.  But it's also not wrong for anyone else, either.  So if those limits clash, someone isn't going to be happy within that relationship and inevitably something has to give....
 
More relevant here is that he's not being honest with you (or maybe himself).  If he's "not in a sexual relationship" and "there are no romantic feelings" (for her) etc, then you're correct, where is the harm?  I always tend to believe actions speak louder than words and his reluctance sounds an awful lot like guilt - which means he's with her for more than just putting up a front for the kids. 
 
And while we're at it, why is it people think kids don't know something is "wrong" in those kinda relationships, even if they don't know specifically what?  Just musin'....
 
Focus.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 10:08:07 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Yup Yup Yup

you are all right of course, its just very easy to dish out advice its far harder to think clearly yourself in these situations. I mean if he were a total twat I wouldnt even have spoken to him but up till now I thought he seemed like a nice enough person, its never easy to find that you are a bad judge of character.

Ta everyone

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 10:13:09 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		What is hidden typically comes to light and the one that is most hidden because of someone's lack of honesty is typically the one that get's blamed.  So not worth the drama and the kicking of one's own ass after things come to light.  There are better things to do with your time and life... he isn't one of them.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 10:52:21 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Yup Yup Yup

you are all right of course, its just very easy to dish out advice its far harder to think clearly yourself in these situations. I mean if he were a total twat I wouldnt even have spoken to him but up till now I thought he seemed like a nice enough person, its never easy to find that you are a bad judge of character.

Ta everyone

It's not that you're a bad judge of character; we've all been there in one way or another, it's just that it's a piece of cake to work out when you're not emotionally invested in the outcome - like the rest of us....
 
Focus.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 10:54:57 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		If they are nothing more than housemates then I see no reason he would be obligated to share his personal life with her, however the statement 'he is only with her because of the kids' seems to go beyond housemate status unless he worries that they won't be properly cared for.

In general though, I don't see why two adults that happen to share living space need to share intimate details of their lives. I've had roommates that didn't know the nitty gritty details of my life, because it was none of their business. Only making sure the rent was paid on time was of importance.


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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 12:16:23 PM   
lilah333


Posts: 14
Joined: 1/1/2009
Status: offline 		Sounds like he may not be the most honest person in the world..

Just a feeling I am getting~

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 12:35:56 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now so I met a Dom hes quite nice, we get on and we went on a date. All is lovely and then I get a phone call. He lives with a woman, they are not married and are not in a sexual relationship however he stays with her for the ums. Seems really sad to me.

Anyways My response was I will carry on seeing you just so long as you tell her and shes ok with it. He doesnt want to tell her. Is it wrong to insist this? I have known people who do have an ignorance is bliss mentality, they know whats going on and dont want to be told about it. However if there are no romantic feelings there where is the harm?

Im sorry I have no experience of this stuff. Im pretty sure that I am going to get most people saying that I can only do what I am comfortable with and I agree, Im just looking for a bit of insight.

I would insist that she be told also. In my opinion, his reluctance to do so tells me that he is probably lying about their relationship. Just my thoughts though.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 1:29:32 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		My son and I lived with my ex for a few months because of some circumstances beyond my control.  He was dating, but did not disclose much, I was too yet didn't go into details about it much.

Once even, I had a date from CM pick me up at his doorstep.  My ex even sat there waiting with me on the porch and like a good friend/person he took note of they guy's lisc. plate and truck model when the guy arrived.

Details aren't important to discuss but I don't see any reason why your guy not mentioning you at all as someone of possible 'signifigance' in his life.  I'd be weary of someone who is ashamed of me and/or of seeing me romantically.

< Message edited by came4U -- 1/31/2009 1:30:24 PM >

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 1:39:12 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now so I met a Dom hes quite nice, we get on and we went on a date. All is lovely and then I get a phone call. He lives with a woman, they are not married and are not in a sexual relationship however he stays with her for the ums. Seems really sad to me.

Anyways My response was I will carry on seeing you just so long as you tell her and shes ok with it. He doesnt want to tell her. Is it wrong to insist this? I have known people who do have an ignorance is bliss mentality, they know whats going on and dont want to be told about it. However if there are no romantic feelings there where is the harm?

Im sorry I have no experience of this stuff. Im pretty sure that I am going to get most people saying that I can only do what I am comfortable with and I agree, Im just looking for a bit of insight.


It's not wrong and it's not forcing your morals on anyone else. It's setting down the groundrules for a relationship you are comfortable in. If you would be uncomfortable without her knowing, than doesn't force yourself to uncomfortable in your relationship.

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