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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 6:18:59 PM

DesFIP

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He may still be married to her, he may just be an ex who shares the house. The problem here is you don't know which is true because you can't show up at the house and ask her.

She may be fine with him dating others as long as they don't breeze in and out. But there isn't any way for you to find out. So stick to your own morals and be true to yourself.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 6:28:42 PM

YourhandMyAss

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According to the story, they're not dating nor having sex, and so there for it's not a SO, if you're just living as room mates, even if you did have kids together.

quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksilk

<FR>
Just a different spin on the view:
If he remains in relationship with you and doesn't tell his significant other, he is tehnically cheating and you are a party to it. It also doesn't say much about his honesty, honour, integrity or communication skills. Are you sure you even want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Chances are very high that he will be that way with you too. A leopard does not change his spots with a new mate........

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 6:40:53 PM

NCNutCase

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

According to the story, they're not dating nor having sex, and so there for it's not a SO, if you're just living as room mates, even if you did have kids together

But isn't it a bit niave to believe his claim?

And it still leaves the angle the relationship is hidden which comes with a whole additional set of inconveniences...

< Message edited by NCNutCase -- 2/1/2009 6:43:20 PM >

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 7:31:36 PM

LunaVenus

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He may not be having sex with her anymore but they have a deep emotional relationship....Deeper than you can dream of competing with at such an early stage. Your option is to be his sweet thang and wait it out or move on

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 7:46:57 PM

Katchoo

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Maybe she is a pain in the butt; if so, living with someone like that it is ideal they know as few details as possible about your business. Maybe this... maybe that... People in this thread have offered many suggestions of the why...

The real question is: What do you need? What are your goals for the relationship? Is this situation compatible with those needs and goals?

Recognize that you are in a difficult position. If it becomes part of your submission to accept the way he chooses to keep things, then you may never know the truth if indeed he is lying to you.

I honestly wish you luck colouredin

Edited to add:
Though there are doubtless some who enjoy it or tolerate it, being a permanent secret can suck the soul white. Personally I would not wish it on anyone.

< Message edited by Katchoo -- 2/1/2009 8:07:44 PM >

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 11:26:24 PM

Godhand502

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My Spider Sense is tingling on this one. This guy should have no problems explaining to the woman he lives with, if he is really on the market, for real.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/2/2009 12:24:55 AM

PerversePrincess

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I think, and this may be me talking out of my a$$ here, that maybe we should cut this guy some slack. The stark reality is that you don't know all the details of the situation. He may, in fact be telling the truth - from start to finish. Would I be at least slightly suspicious should a similar situation happen to me? Of course. But I would not hesitate to get as much info as I could before writing this guy off as a cheating douchebag (for lack of a better term). Perhaps a simple "why?" may be in order. His reason for not wanting to tell this woman about you may be completely understandable and/or justifiable. You may or may not trust whatever reason he gives you based on the circumstances, but if you don't trust his answer to such a question, then there is no foundation upon which to build a healthy relationship, is there?

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/2/2009 7:46:01 AM

Lockit

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I do believe one can be so fair minded that they can screw up their life. How silly is it to be so fair minded that you accept a story, invest yourself and life and then could suffer in many ways because sometimes fair isn't wise?

To those fair minded one's who feel that the man could be telling the truth and shouldn't have to tell his 'roommate' and mother of his beloved um's he so wishes to protect and shelter in life... think about this... It may be unfair to expect someone to share their personal life with an ex, in the house or not... I will give you that one for a moment. BUT, how fair is it to leave someone wondering if they are getting a con job and interject that insecurity and fear within a new part time relationship... because that is all it can be. How fair is it to present a story many married people have used to get their jollies and expect someone not to think they might be at risk from a 'roommate' who just might be more? How many 'roommate's have found out that their 'roommate' and other parent of their um's had a secret and decided in a jealous rage to do something about it? Is it fair to put someone in a position to wonder if the secret could come out and pose some sort of painful thing in their life?

I feel that if the story is true... it is more fair to have to share the truth with the 'roommate' than it is fair to expect someone who needs to trust to submit to keep secrets and believe him in good faith and put themselves in a position that could be more painful than a 'roommate' knowing some personal business. If they are indeed 'roommates' he doesn't have to give details... he could simply state that he is seeing someone and will continue to be committed to supporting the household that come's first, while he gives security to the one who is supposed to be a secret. Why must the new relationship be placed in that questionable zone to keep one's personal business private and respect his rights to privacy? How fair is it that he is considered before one who could be being lied to and how hard is it to protect the new person in the situation from an overly sensitive need to be private?

I dare say there are more with this story who are lying than those who are telling the truth and anything started on a secret is at risk. Let's be fair... which is more important? Being fair to him or being fair to the one asked to keep a secret from a roommate? If his story is true... then a loss of a bit of privacy shouldn't be such a big deal... but on the other hand... if he lies... and one has been so fair that they allowed a secret for privacy's sake and then the truth is known say a year down the road... that secret person will be hurt, questioning their decission making and left not trusting themselves or others. I say there is far more to risk by being fair and accepting the story and going on with it than the loss of a bit of privacy. If it was your life... would you be so fair?

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/2/2009 7:59:21 AM

LunaVenus

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If he tells her the truth and they are married, the wife will start legal procedings for a divorce on the grounds of infidelity (with evidence you offered), put him out...even though they may or may not have frequent sex. It is not uncommon for sex to wane in a long relationship. He will be on the streets with nothing and a broken man.. He will probably leave you anyhow from the stress of the situation and remain a broken man.... and you alone still.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/2/2009 9:19:05 AM

Andalusite

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Most states have no-fault divorce. Anyway, if he wants a relationship where he doesn't have to tell his roommate, regardless of her status, he can keep looking until he finds someone who doesn't mind dating a cheater "discreetly" and never being a part of his life. There are lots of them out there, most of whom are cheating as well. If he's not actually cheating, and just acting like he is, then the same people would probably be interested in that type of relationship.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 2/2/2009 9:20:12 AM >

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/2/2009 9:28:19 AM

FRSguy

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Didnt really read everyones responses however you pretty much should allways stay in your comfort range and go with your guy. Unless you are sitting down to dinner with all three of ya and he feels comfortable talking about you as desert then those red flags should be your guide.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/2/2009 3:23:46 PM

daddysliloneds

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he's lying to both of you

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/2/2009 6:43:43 PM

DesFIP

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I do know a woman who is still living with her ex, as roommates. They are raising their granddaughter together. She sees others and so does he. But neither of them bring them home. She's gotten some phone calls from women he's dated and she absolutely hates it. One of them started stalking her.

So it could well be true. However that isn't what's important. What is important is what does the op need in a relationship. If all she wants is a fuck buddy, then fine. If she wants a fuller relationship this won't ever be it.

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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/3/2009 4:15:12 PM

antipode

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quote:

they are not married and are not in a sexual relationship however he stays with her for the ums

I am coming in a bit late in this thread, just wanted to add something I've not seen (which usually is due to my speedreading).

Apart from all of the circumstances and your observations, the above, combined with him not wanting to tell her, CANNOT be true. There's bits missing, and, call me jaded, when there are bits missing you should just go look for a complete person. This isn't about whether you're too demanding or what the rules are, this is about people doing things that just don't feel right. You need no excuses or negotiations, if it smells like a fish it is. And as we know from the Annals of Sushi, good fish you can't smell...

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