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Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/13/2006 11:24:51 PM   
knees2you


Posts: 2336
Joined: 3/15/2004
Status: offline 		After just chatting with a Mistress.

What types of Signals do You get from a potential
Slave, Sub, Mistress, Switch or Master to cause
You to throw a red flag up about them?

Of course you would probablly start with a yellow one.

When do You know that it's ok to finally wave the Green one?

quote:

"If the Dom has left the room, it doesn't mean the pain has Stopped."


Sincerely, Ant
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/13/2006 11:31:48 PM   
SirDarkside357


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		To me the signals are all the same no matter who you are talking to. If I can't detect honor, respect, loyalty, and truth then the red flags wave. If at anytime any one of those four seem missing the red flags wave. If it seems to me that anything is being hidden or skirted, again the red flags wave. If a person can not at all times deal with those four principles then they are, to me, trying to hide something and can not be trusted.

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/14/2006 7:44:21 AM   
Slipstreme


Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline 		I honestly don't know what causes me to throw up a red flag, but for some reason, I tend to be able to tell whether or not someone is to be trusted.

It is actually rather strange cause I don't know what triggers it, but there are just people I trust inherently, and people I don't. Few fit into that grey area where I am testing who they are.

I guess what it is, is that one can immediately see whether or not someone is holding back. Or so it seems. And when someone is hiding something, it just reads wrong. After all, why hide it? Unless there is an ulterior motive.

In my case though, seeming to be defensive over something, typically things I own has been confused with hiding something, rather than what it is: I'm very territorial.

(in reply to SirDarkside357)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/14/2006 8:14:32 AM   
veronicaofML


Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline 		yeah..what they said.

ya just kinda have a gut feeling...the way people talk to ya.
no colors...
just knowing "something is fishy" when ya dont get the answers ya wanted.


_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"



(in reply to Slipstreme)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/14/2006 8:15:12 AM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		A lot of it has to do with how open they appear to be to answer my questions (nilla and otherwise), the types of things they ask me (is it only about sex or is there more), and sometimes it's just a gut feeling that i've learned to mostly pay attention to. If there's anything that just doesn't seem right, or an outright lie, i'm outta there...period. i'd rather be alone than get involved in a relationship that's not right.

cheers,
jimini


(in reply to Slipstreme)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/14/2006 8:39:39 AM   
IceyOne


Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

What types of Signals do You get from a potential
Slave, Sub, Mistress, Switch or Master to cause
You to throw a red flag up about them?


+Inconsistancy in their replies. For example...they state that they are proficient in knife play, and goes on to say that it is a must in their relationships, you say " I have never done that before, I am not sure I could " and in the next statement they state...oh don't worry, I don't really care for it either.
+too much willingness to do what I want or need
+refusal to move on to topics that did not involve sex or the lifestyle
+too much emphasis on 'no safewords and total trust'

quote:

When do You know that it's ok to finally wave the Green one?


+When their replies to questions make sense to me
+when they do not shy away from personal questions regarding their private life
+when they are not afraid to allow me to express my opinion right off the bat

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/14/2006 9:26:59 AM   
Slipstreme


Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline
quote:

+refusal to move on to topics that did not involve ... the lifestyle


Unfortunately I tend to be obsessive. Unable to move on to different topics, which may be a symptom of a mental disability such as OCD or Asperger's (I will be finding a psychologist shortly to figure this out, for more reasons than simple obsession). I tend to only be able to focus on things that catch my interests, therefore only able to really hold up a conversation on such topics (scifi, nature, animals, the outdoors, camping, BDSM, furry, not much else.)

Alas, once you talk about computers, cars, shopping and most normal hobbies, I end up with a blank stare.

So sometimes such people have a little something else going on behind why they are so narrow minded, and they may not really want to put you off in the first place.

(in reply to IceyOne)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/14/2006 9:53:36 AM   
ZenrageTheKeeper


Posts: 237
Joined: 6/26/2005
Status: offline 		RED FLAGS:

"Looking for a real/true..."
To me this is a person who has already shaped a mold in her mind as to whatever a "real/true" is and will use it as an excuse to disobey if she, at any time within the realtionship, feels a Dom is doing something different than what she has already envisioned.

"Must be discreet"
Married or seeing someone else. Trust is not something you can go half-way on.

Bad or broken english
I'm not talking about a mispelling or two. I'm talking "All your bases are belong to us" bad. Its a sure sign of a fake ad, especially if it claims to have come from within the US.

Rolls of fat hanging over the waist or bones protruding from strecthed skin
Call me shallow all you want, but it is MY decision as to whom I am attracted to and I don't have to grow old with someone I'm not attracted to.


YELLOW FLAGS: (used orange because yellow is impossible to see)

Nude Photos on a profile
Usually a fake looking for email addresses. Better to look for photos that aren't professionally done.

I want X to be done to me
Granted, the BDSM relationship is very sensual, very physical, and very emotionally charged. However, lining your profile with what you want to have done with you does not show me how you are willing to express your submissive needs. Done too much, it can lead to topping from the bottom.

"I'm considered attractive"/no photo on profile
No. I think I'll make that judgement as to whether or not I find you attractive or not. Thank you very much.

"Spoil/Pamper me"
This is more of an orange flag. 8 times out of 10 it means the sub is aspiring to be nothing more than a lump on your sofa and a drain on your wallet. However, there is the rare exception that they mean this in an emotional or physical sense and only desire attention.

No weight listed on profile
Honesty is not the best policy. Its the ONLY policy. If you are not a so-called BBW then you need to say so or people are just going to think the worst and move on.

No limits
I sometimes worry about the people who can say this and mean it. Its great when they want to serve my needs, but not so great when they want a lot of disturbing things as well. They may not have limits, but I do. It troubles me when someone says that I am not extreme enough when I only have their welfare in mind.


GREEN FLAGS:

I want to learn about you and serve your needs
The submissive who can say this and mean it is the prime rib of submissiveness.

Nice eyes, nice hair
Simply Irresistible. A perfect set of eyes can sometimes make up for any other physical flaw. I was deeply attracted to a women with head-to-toe burn scars on her body who had perfect brown eyes. Had I known how that business was going to screw me over, I would have said to hell with the "No fraternizing with the customers" rule and asked her out. It may only have been a Vanilla relationship, but for eyes like those.. I could have dealt with it.

Lactation/Breast Milking
Mmmmm... Delicious.

Fondness of New Age notions and philosophies
I could listen to someone go on for hours about this stuff. To me, its a spiritual aesthetic that helps define what a person can apsire to be, instead of other religions which only serve to tell you what you can't be. I dont believe in posthumous penalty systems so, I would choose to surround myself with spiritually uplifting individuals.

< Message edited by ZenrageTheKeeper -- 1/14/2006 10:04:17 AM >

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/14/2006 10:22:25 AM   
veronicaofML


Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline 		So sometimes such people have a little something else going on behind why they are so narrow minded, and they may not really want to put you off in the first place.
=========

ah jeez.

this is something i never think about..
i too am..obsessed...i have o.c.d.--and do not have the right meds as yet.......
with my p.t.s.d.---
i am in-hope..this new V.A. i went to is going to help..but i wont know til feb...

take care
and uh

thanks for the reminder to get my head outta my ass once in awhile.


_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"



(in reply to Slipstreme)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/15/2006 7:58:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		My big red flag is lies. This includes lie of omission. They suddenly have kids after the third date. They suddenly have another sub they are dating after the third date. Things like that, no way.

An orange flag would be hectic/strewn wreckage of past relationships. If they have a new horrible ex-story every time you meet up...you don't want to be the next on that list.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/15/2006 9:40:45 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		How a person talks about their past relationships tells me a lot. How do they characterize a past partner, what is their explanation for things going wrong, do they take any responsibility, etc. I also like to find out about their platonic relationships -- do they have strong, healthy friendships.

Red and yellow flags are pretty easy for me. It is harder for me to indentify a green flag. Absence of red and yellow does not equate green though.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/15/2006 10:58:37 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you

After just chatting with a Mistress.

What types of Signals do You get from a potential
Slave, Sub, Mistress, Switch or Master to cause
You to throw a red flag up about them?

Of course you would probablly start with a yellow one.

When do You know that it's ok to finally wave the Green one?



I get pretty suspicious when someone, rather than being himself and assuming he'll be judged on his merits, starts prowling around compiling lists of red flags.

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/15/2006 11:09:08 PM   
wolffeathers


Posts: 315
Joined: 8/6/2005
From: Clearwater
Status: offline 		Main red flag, trust.

I have to feel that not only can I trust a slave, but she can trust me (as, well, she may be putting her life in my hands).

Other then that......I really don't know....

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/16/2006 2:25:11 AM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ZenrageTheKeeper

RED FLAGS:


Rolls of fat hanging over the waist or bones protruding from strecthed skin
Call me shallow all you want, but it is MY decision as to whom I am attracted to and I don't have to grow old with someone I'm not attracted to.


I respect the fact that people have very little control over what they find physically appealing vs unappealing. Im just curious as to what happens if the person youve decided you are going to grow old with has some sort of body-altering experience or illness that leads to them meeting criteria for this flag. For example, an illness that has to be treated by medications that cause weight gain and lethargy or loss of appetite and weight loss... Are they grandfathered in after a certain period of time has passed or do you reserve the right to reject them based on appearance at that time?
Entering into a relationship where trust is a key factor with someone who places a great deal of emphasis on physical appearance may be a risk a lot of good, sincere submissives do not want to take. You may be weeding out a great number of potential worthwhile people by focusing on what you perceive as physical flaws.


quote:



No weight listed on profile
Honesty is not the best policy. Its the ONLY policy. If you are not a so-called BBW then you need to say so or people are just going to think the worst and move on.

I listed my weight as 999lbs on my profile. I guess Id be disqualified for lack o' honesty.
I personally prefer a certain amount of.... let's say, endowment in a male partner.... but Im not going to ask for exact inches.
Remember when it was considered rude to ask a lady her age or weight in public?

I also disagree with you on the notion that "people are going to think the worst about you and move on" because a lot of people sometimes choose to assume the BEST about others. (Never mind those who LIKE and ACTIVELY SEEK OUT bbw's). They find this one way to surround themselves with more positive energy and less, well, maybe less flag waving. Perhaps YOU assume "the WORST" (golly I can think of things a lot worse than being overweight) about anyone who does not implicitly state that he or she is not a "BBW" but it's not really fair to make that sort of claim for the rest of us.
And anyway I personally think that someone whith mushrooms growing out of his or her ears is way worse than carrying some extra weight, but I dont assume someone has fungus growing from any orafice just because they fail to tell me up front that they don't.



quote:


No limits
I sometimes worry about the people who can say this and mean it. Its great when they want to serve my needs, but not so great when they want a lot of disturbing things as well. They may not have limits, but I do. It troubles me when someone says that I am not extreme enough when I only have their welfare in mind.


I think a submissive is fortunate and wise to be with a dominant who has her welfare in mind and I can understand how it could be disturbing, as you say, for you to be with a person who did not wish to have his or her welfare considered. Maybe a particular "kink" with regard to very edgy behaviors and/or extreme objectification isnt for you. It's wise and self-aware of you to know that about yourself.

I wonder, though, if "no limits" always means "no limits" or just "I dont know what my limits are and Im under the impression currently that I have none but what I really need is someone patent and wise who might be able to guide me in discovering what they are..." You still might find this disturbing if you wanted to, but it is another way of looking at lack of stated limits in perhaps a less harsh light.
You list your limits as scat, electrical play and the B word (which I think was already covered in your statement about "anything illegal"). Having stated that these are your 'ONLY' limits, you sound to me like a relatively edgy guy. Compared to some, this list isnt a far leap from "none". Im wondering what exactly it is that 'disturbs' you so much about the idea of someone who would come to you with what they think is none, as you advertise yourself as someone who is open to what appears to be just about anything anyway.
By the way, Id be interested as to the legality of many 'typical' BDSM activities in your state....a lot of what "we" do is actually illegal.

Just my taking an opportunity to publicly opine. I cant resist statements framed in bright pretty colors....




(edited for burst of inspiration)


< Message edited by justheather -- 1/16/2006 2:44:15 AM >

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to ZenrageTheKeeper)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/16/2006 11:22:24 AM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		Personal red flags:

Evasive or inconsistent answers
Presumption of acceptance ("once I'm your slave I will...")
"No Limits" ("Really? How exciting! I have this chainsaw fetish and I'm glad you volunteered!)
Refusal to provide references (if someone claims experience in the Scene. Newbies might not have any previous ...)
Getting defensive if my approach or opinion is different from theirs.

I could go on, but I don't want to seem like a picky bitch...
*LOL*

YIK,
- Geoff

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/16/2006 11:41:59 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you

After just chatting with a Mistress.

What types of Signals do You get from a potential
Slave, Sub, Mistress, Switch or Master to cause
You to throw a red flag up about them?

Of course you would probablly start with a yellow one.

When do You know that it's ok to finally wave the Green one?




Red Flag:

Cock pictures
Lack of respect in emails and conversations "hey babe what's shakin"
Discussions centering only on sex
Discussions centering only on "do me babe do me"
Cold email out of the gate--"I kneel before you, call my cell"
Email: " i am all you need"
Vulgar cutesy conversations
Doing research on the proifle outside of CM and they say married or are blank
Doms who are "subs in disguise"
Doms who think they can bring the little lady to her knees
Poor life management skills
Lies

Yellow Flag:

Attitude about My schedule and ability to be available
Poor unmentionable rearing attitude
Talk about the ex/es
Constant bad spelling--I am sorry but continued bad spelling to Me is lazy
"So how much money do you make"
"Do I get to serve your Domme friends too?"
A submissive attitude that turns to a cockyassed attitude
Wanting graphic descriptions of past scenes or relationships

Green Flag:

None of the above qualities
A real person, holds up to espoused ideals
Demonstrates the need to please
Demonstrates the desire to please
The relationship progresses
The relationship expands to vanilla
The orientation is woven not standing out
And he has what floats My boat


smiles, now Ive leaked some info boy.








_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/16/2006 12:54:23 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you

After just chatting with a Mistress.

What types of Signals do You get from a potential
Slave, Sub, Mistress, Switch or Master to cause
You to throw a red flag up about them?

Of course you would probablly start with a yellow one.

When do You know that it's ok to finally wave the Green one?

quote:

"If the Dom has left the room, it doesn't mean the pain has Stopped."


Sincerely, Ant



99% of the time, I rely on gut instinct. Sure it's hard over the computer, but you can also get a feel for someone over the phone.

But a huge red flag is when they seem to become distracted talking about a certain thing...almost like they had to stop and research it and were making excuses as to why they could not answer lol...or if their reply is too perfect...like they copied it from a book or something.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/16/2006 1:24:13 PM   
IceyOne


Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Unfortunately I tend to be obsessive. Unable to move on to different topics, which may be a symptom of a mental disability such as OCD or Asperger's (I will be finding a psychologist shortly to figure this out, for more reasons than simple obsession). I tend to only be able to focus on things that catch my interests, therefore only able to really hold up a conversation on such topics (scifi, nature, animals, the outdoors, camping, BDSM, furry, not much else.)


Yes, but would you spend more than a day talking with someone who refused to move on to a different topic?

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to Slipstreme)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/16/2006 6:06:47 PM   
subontheside


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/10/2006
Status: offline 		Hey all-
I just signed up, and the consistent red flag that I used in getting through my first batch of messages was what I interpret as a disturbing lack of empathy from a "suitor".
By that I mean someone who clearly isn't thinking about what they must seem like to the person they're talking to, or who doesn't think about the needs/wants of the person they're talking to.

Things like:
- saying "I am exactly what you're looking for" with no info on the profile to back that up
- asking for EXTRA photos above and beyond the one on my profile right off the bat when they don't even have one
- various permuatations of that last one... asking for something and not offering anything in return
- getting upset at a one or two day delay in response without thinking that a new member would likely have a lot of initial messages
- ignoring information on the profile. Either messaging even though they clearly aren't within my stated limits, or messaging to ask something that's clearly stated on my profile (orientation, involvement...)

Although it's nice to have clear cut reasons to cull the herd.

(in reply to IceyOne)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Red, Yellow and Green Flags. - 1/16/2006 6:11:09 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

A submissive attitude that turns to a cockyassed attitude


LMAO....

/raises hand



_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 20
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