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RE: Safe word - 2/5/2009 5:39:22 PM   
Knite064


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UnEnhibited

I have caused my sub to use her safe word. she expressed joy when her pain was high yet she backed off when it became too much. I am new to this and i wonder if i have done a bad thing by making her use her safe word? and how open can i be here when describing things?


Hello UnEnhibited
you have already had great advice but heres a little checklist in case it recurs
1)Safeword = instantly stop with no grey areas
2)get her untied etc and comfortable as quick as possible without panic
3)Plenty of care now required to reassure and settle her
4)When shes ready then discuss what was wrong

One suggestion is to use the traffic light system until you both know and trust each other

Green =  keep going
Amber = Slow down or back of a bit but dont stop
Red = stop as per safeword or indeed safeword
Or indeed however you both decide to use the code

As a subnote if she says you spank like a girlie then consider increasing sensation

Be well

(in reply to UnEnhibited)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Safe word - 2/5/2009 7:57:31 PM   
MyWorldCT


Posts: 98
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knite064



As a subnote if she says you spank like a girlie then consider increasing sensation

Be well



If she asks, "Are you still there?" while you are paddling her, then start lifting weights and wrap some razor wire around that paddle of yours.  That might help...    

(in reply to Knite064)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Safe word - 2/14/2009 5:02:43 PM   
crazyredhead1957


Posts: 189
Joined: 12/10/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knite064

quote:

ORIGINAL: UnEnhibited

I have caused my sub to use her safe word........and i wonder if i have done a bad thing by making her use her safe word?


One suggestion is to use the traffic light system until you both know and trust each other

Green =  keep going
Amber = Slow down or back of a bit but dont stop
Red = stop as per safeword or indeed safeword
Or indeed however you both decide to use the code

As a subnote if she says you spank like a girlie then consider increasing sensation

Be well


No, it is not a bad thing that she had to use her safeword.....she is just giving You valuable feedback, which is a good thing.  i also really like the traffic light system.....it gives a lot more specific information than a single safeword. 

(in reply to Knite064)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Safe word - 2/15/2009 6:06:20 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline 		I often use a safeword with my play partner because she is the sort who enjoys mild physical and verbal resistance (and so do I). It helps with clarification.

Actually, 90% of the time she uses it, I know she needs to use it in advance. I make her say it because she doesn't like to and finds it embarrassing.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Safe word - 2/15/2009 6:15:50 AM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		Reality is...you can get ones safe word in 30 seconds if thats what you...want.
 
Having her use her safe word to me is a good thing...thats where limits are found...and negotiations start...
 
You did nothing wrong...

(in reply to UnEnhibited)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Safe word - 2/23/2009 2:52:25 AM   
SirDarkside357


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		If making your girl use her safe word is bad...I've been doing something wrong for a very long time.

(in reply to UnEnhibited)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Safe word - 2/23/2009 3:19:54 AM   
Devilandsin


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UnEnhibited

well i thought she was getting close but i wasnt sure i asked her something and she snapped an answer at me lol. And right after that she used it. i think i know her body language enough to know where her limit his but i told her it will take time to get to know eachother and we will both enjoy the trial and error.


i snap & bite back when im feeling pushed too hard, i desperately hold on to not using my safeword, but it happens. i didnt know using the safeword was a good thing, i always felt immense guilt & quite shameful of myself for 'giving in' im sure you will both learn the limits & get more in tune with eachother as you progress. good luck,

just my 2 cents!
sin.

(in reply to UnEnhibited)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Safe word - 2/23/2009 4:08:45 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Dude
Do what works for you.
Find what you are comfortable with and do it.
You want a safeword...great.
You don't, as long as she is cool with it, then that's cool to.

Its about what works for you, that is you.
Not about anything else.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Safe word - 2/23/2009 4:16:56 PM   
Mattressnpurple


Posts: 15
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline 		I would not be upset with it. I would discuss it as to why it was too much for her and go from there. I haven't had my girl use a safe word yet, but she has said she didn't want something and I knew she was being serious. Its nothing to feel guilty about unless you crossed a line that you knew about.

Experimenting with each other will have moments when one party goes too far. To me its best to discuss it so it won't happen again, then move on.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Safe word - 2/26/2009 6:13:49 PM   
RainydayNE


Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		the very first and so far only time i used mine, i felt really bad after, like i hadn't done a good enough job. i hadn't even used "red," just "yellow"
but he was good about making me feel like everything was okay
so i eventually didn't feel bad anymore

i think it's good that she used the safeword and you stopped. that way she will build trust that you'll stop, or atleast see what's wrong
that's really important
i dont think there's enough evidence to say that the sub was attempting to top from the bottom
if you have to use your safeword before your Dom "finishes," atleast you'll be there to play again some other time. =p if you are constantly feeling like "i can't safeword even if i really need to because he'll be mad that he didn't get to finish" then you might end up scared to death or actually dead =p
i think people use the phrase "topping from the bottom" a liiiiittle too much for too many things. but i'm essentially still a novice so i may be wrong. who knows.

$0.02

(in reply to Mattressnpurple)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Safe word - 3/4/2009 9:12:51 PM   
Denae


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline 		Sir and i use the "traffic light system," and i find it really useful.  It keeps me from having to stop a scene when really i just need to slow down a little!

(in reply to Knite064)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Safe word - 3/9/2009 11:09:00 AM   
MasterRaid


Posts: 82
Joined: 8/16/2008
From: The Brink of insanity.
Status: offline 		UnEnhibited, do not feel bad that your sub used the safeword. The whole point of safewords is because many people do not know their own limits until they hit them. That is why they are called limits. I personally try to not use safewords unless I am unsure of the one I am playing with. But when I do use them I use the Colors. GREEN, YELLOW, RED. Green for all good keep going, Yellow for I am feeling a bit uncomfortable slow down or ease up a bit. and Red for WHOA SHUT IT DOWN NOW!. They are easy to impliment into play by simply stating  "Are you green?" or "What color are we?" when you see your sub react in a way that you do not normally see or when they do something that makes you go Hmm. And I can completely understand and empathize with you not wanting to stop. The sub is not the only one that gets worked up during play. If they were the only one to enjoy the acts we do then they would be hard pressed to find a Top or Dom to do them because who wants to do something they do not like? I am just glad you did not let your blood control you and you stopped that shows good character and control and if your sub is a smart one they will now trust you more in the future.

Hope this helps. I wish you well.


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First rule in dealing with the Devil............................
..................................................................DON'T!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Safe word - 3/11/2009 10:13:35 AM   
masterlink65


Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline 		being open is better than not. every dom or master will have a different take on this. some may say the sub failed, and had to use its safe word. others may say the dom is a chump for pushing sub to using a safe word. now that the safe word has been used, you will know next time not to go that far or that fast. what is the sense of having a safe word you cannot use?

a learning experince and no one got hurt? you both learned something hopefully

(in reply to UnEnhibited)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Safe word - 3/11/2009 10:23:20 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Safewords are there to use if needed and it sounds as if that's what she did.  As long as you stopped when she safeworded, provided aftercare, and processed the scenario with her in an open fashion, I'd say you did just fine.  What does she say? 
  Davan

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It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

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Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Safe word - 3/12/2009 7:32:18 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		Several people asked about topping from the bottom.

First, I make no judgment against topping from the bottom. Topping from the bottom occurs when someone enjoys pain, but also likes to be in control of the situation.  They are masochistic dominants.    There is nothing wrong with that, anymore than it is wrong to be a masochistic submissive, or a sadistic dominant.

They are in fact very common.    It's not that hard to identify them, they usually claim they are extremely proud of their masochism while at the same time have zero interest in role playing, lifestyle, or any of the social aspects of submission.  Sometimes they call themselves a SAM.  (Smart assed Masochist).

If you are such a person, you may use a safe word system to ensure that you get exactly the level of pain you want - no more, no less.

But that is not the only reason to use a safeword.  Another one of the many good reasons to use a safe word is Roleplaying.

(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Safe word - 3/12/2009 8:06:03 PM   
MarsBonfire


Posts: 1034
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		Appropo of nothing: Dimitri Martin's show on Comedy channel, "Important Things" had a theme of "Saftey" last night. One of the repeating gags was "A S&M Couple who's Safeword is:" and then the listing of some ridiculously difficult word to remember, or say. They then cut to the titular couple, having all sorts of fun, the Domme whacking merrily away at her partner, while he's trying to remember "Bill Pullman" or the correct pronounciation of "Giccochioni" or some obscure english term.

Too funny.

But I wouldn't worry about pushing someone to say their safeword. Once it's been said, both parties can be somewhat reassured: that the sub WILL use it when they feel they are in over their head, and that the Dom(me) WILL honor it, once it's called out. Both good things! (It's one of those "trust building" events.)

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Safe word - 3/15/2009 7:33:42 PM   
catherine1978


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Thank You for the information.

catherine

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 37
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