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RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/5/2009 9:19:23 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Do you all have any examples of good introductions? I'm still trying to get my bearings here as well as in the lifestyle in general, I fully intend to be myself, but I believe timing and presentation is what I need help with.

You can't. You won't. And I am not seeing you be yourself, you ask too many questions as to how-to. The idea is, you be you, and then you wade through the rejections (80% of which come from cyberfreaks in dorm rooms anyway) until you hit somebody where you both click.

You are either after a rulebook that does not exist, or you can't handle rejection, or you are insecure, or you are lazy, or you are impatient... you get my drift. And yes, your pic will attract multitudes of men. Girls can see that too.

(in reply to Leathersandals)

Post #: 21

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/5/2009 9:51:12 PM

Leathersandals

Posts: 39
Joined: 1/20/2009
Status: offline

Antipode:
I'm probably a bit of everything you just listed. Which is a big reason as to why I'm looking for guidance, every community has norms and it's own culture. I'm simply asking questions to help me better understand it. I'm here because I'm exploring the concept of Me. It's not set in stone. If I were to simply remain as I was before I got here, that'd be a failure on my part to grow.

And I haven't had too much trouble with the men, A couple here and there nothing major.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 22

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/5/2009 10:23:23 PM

devotedinSD

Posts: 91
Joined: 11/30/2008
Status: offline

What has been said already, it is a huge turn off to put sex first.

_____________________________

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

(in reply to Leathersandals)

Post #: 23

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/5/2009 10:26:16 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

every community has norms and it's own culture.

You see....there is a great difference in the way we all do our thing. Some only do Domination and submission without a touch of SM. Others think that sadism and masochism rocks. Some do this because it's a sexual turn on..while others don't consider sex as part of this at all. Some are really into bondage, while others are bored with bondage. Some think fire play is terrific, while others think that those who do fire play are nuts. Yet those same people who think the fire players are nuts, could be into brown or yellow showers and think those things are perfectly normal. In other words, there are few norms with people who do their things in such varied and personal ways.

WIITWD...'what it is that we do' is personal to each individual. Rather than trying to figure out what is normal, you would be better off trying to discover how YOU wish to live your life...what YOU need...what YOU want. Your personal growth will come about when YOU begin to understand YOU.

(in reply to Leathersandals)

Post #: 24

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/5/2009 10:33:42 PM

Leathersandals

Posts: 39
Joined: 1/20/2009
Status: offline

Things I learned:

Be self. Do not put sex first.

Got it.

Thanks.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 25

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 9:46:52 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

You've learned two good things so far.

Now, do you look at the person or their kinks? Matching kinks doesn't necessarily mean matching in all ways or that you'll actually like each other or want to get to know each other or even actually want to play together.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to Leathersandals)

Post #: 26

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 10:33:49 AM

Leathersandals

Posts: 39
Joined: 1/20/2009
Status: offline

Yes I read all profiles/journals. I want to learn about them.

And I don't automatically try to match kinks.. especially since some are very vague. "Humiliation" for example. . tons of different meanings for different people.

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 27

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 11:14:37 AM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

They don't like it because it makes you seem like a wanker. I understand not wanting to move forward with someone who doesn't share your base sexual interests. Unfortunately, it's just not how the majority of women work. Try getting to know her vanilla interests and sharing yours. The career you are pursing sounds interesting and that's something I would definitely love to talk about in the first couple of e-mails. Is that a Borat reference in your profile or typos? Talk about movies, politics, how comfortable rainbow sandals are, etc... I just ramble when I meet new people and then pause periodically to see if they are ready to ramble a little bit themselves. I find this approach works for the most part lol

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to Leathersandals)

Post #: 28

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 11:36:24 AM

Leathersandals

Posts: 39
Joined: 1/20/2009
Status: offline

Yea that's Borat. ITS NICE!

P.S. I like that shoe licking picture. Not really my thing (since I can't feel it) but It really conveys something. Oops I talked about sex.

< Message edited by Leathersandals -- 2/6/2009 11:38:53 AM >

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 29

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 1:53:49 PM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline

~FR~

Hoshit... I don't even know what the fuck I meant. o.O

(in reply to Leathersandals)

Post #: 30

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 2:43:58 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aravain

I'm a gay man...

Just sayin'.

The people who do that want teh sex not the relationships

People who do what? If you're referring to talking about fantasies, I disagree.

(in reply to aravain)

Post #: 31

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 2:50:58 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

Learning about the other person's fantasies is one valid way of exploring compatibility. Some prefer to save this particular avenue of exploration for later; that's similar to what one does in a vanilla dating situation. Some like to explore kinks sooner; I think this is perfectly reasonable on a site that's kink-related. The more you learn about someone, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you can get a handle on whether you'll be compatible or not.

You're going to find a lot of people, particularly women, who say they don't think it's appropriate to discuss such things without first going through all the phases of learning about each other's vanilla interests, etc., etc. Frankly, I find that a little hypocritical for people on a BDSM site with a name like CollarMe. It's all fine and well to care about vanilla things as much as BDSM issues, but if talking about kinks is of such little importance that the topic shouldn't even be broached until people are comfortable with all other aspects of the getting-to-know-you process, then maybe a vanilla dating site is in order.

(in reply to Leathersandals)

Post #: 32

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 2:52:20 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Now, do you look at the person or their kinks?

It doesn't have to be an "either/or" proposition.

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 33

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 8:33:14 PM

Nikitaa

Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

Is this real? I ask some men (who seem interesting) who email me to tell about their kinky fetishes and fantasies and then I can not make them stop. They send long messages with much detail. I never have man send message and write to me "figure out yourself."

Messages were long so now I ask for brief description and I make limit on how many sentences.

(in reply to Leathersandals)

Post #: 34

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 9:19:38 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

You're going to find a lot of people, particularly women, who say they don't think it's appropriate to discuss such things without first going through all the phases of learning about each other's vanilla interests, etc., etc. Frankly, I find that a little hypocritical for people on a BDSM site with a name like CollarMe. It's all fine and well to care about vanilla things as much as BDSM issues, but if talking about kinks is of such little importance that the topic shouldn't even be broached until people are comfortable with all other aspects of the getting-to-know-you process, then maybe a vanilla dating site is in order.

: : Disclaimer: : I am not looking for a relationship currently.

That said:

I don't find it hypocritical at all to not want to jump right into telling someone my fantasies. I don't think it means a "vanilla dating site is in order" either. Yes this is a bdsm site and I filled out the checklist thing on my profile which pretty well tells my kinks and interests. If the person reads my profile they will have a pretty good general idea of compatibility or lack thereof as far as kinks go. I see no need to tell sexual or kinky fantasies to someone I barely know. I think that's the point a lot of posters are trying to make. Matching kinks generally aren't going to mean jack if you don't actually like or desire the person.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 35

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 9:24:03 PM

windycitysub78

Posts: 55
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa

Is this real? I ask some men (who seem interesting) who email me to tell about their kinky fetishes and fantasies and then I can not make them stop. They send long messages with much detail. I never have man send message and write to me "figure out yourself."

Messages were long so now I ask for brief description and I make limit on how many sentences.

Maybe they just want to tell you about themselves?

BDSM chemistry is important is a BDSM relationships, that should be a no-brainer.

< Message edited by windycitysub78 -- 2/6/2009 9:25:05 PM >

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 36

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 10:42:53 PM

devotedinSD

Posts: 91
Joined: 11/30/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane. I think that's the point a lot of posters are trying to make. Matching kinks generally aren't going to mean jack if you don't actually like or desire the person.

Exactly.

Also, in my experience, if you're really in to someone it doesn't really matter if there's a hypothetical 90 % kink match or not because we will adjust when we want to make it work. Big must-have fetishes excluded, but most wouldn't have more than 2-3 ( just guessing here) anyway so there's still no need for a sex first approach.

_____________________________

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 37

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 10:48:19 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

don't find it hypocritical at all to not want to jump right into telling someone my fantasies. I don't think it means a "vanilla dating site is in order" either. Yes this is a bdsm site and I filled out the checklist thing on my profile which pretty well tells my kinks and interests. If the person reads my profile they will have a pretty good general idea of compatibility or lack thereof as far as kinks go. I see no need to tell sexual or kinky fantasies to someone I barely know. I think that's the point a lot of posters are trying to make.

That misrepresents what I said. I wasn't talking about "jumping right into" telling someone your fantasies. If your profile gives a pretty good general idea, then you've already done what I was talking about. Some of the comments on this topic make it sound like it's not appropriate to talk about kink until you know each other so well that you're ready to move in together.

quote:

Matching kinks generally aren't going to mean jack if you don't actually like or desire the person.

Well, yeah, obviously. I said as much myself. But you'd expect the converse to be true as well, if someone chooses to do their search on a BDSM site.

Personally, I don't broach the topic in direct conversations unless the woman appears receptive. Usually she brings it up first. But I don't see anything wrong with someone focusing on their priorities, whatever they may be. If the other person doesn't like it, then your priorities are probably too different for things to work out anyway.

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 38

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/6/2009 10:59:41 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

BDSM chemistry is important in a BDSM relationship, that should be a no-brainer.

[typo fixed]

Should be, shouldn't it?

(in reply to windycitysub78)

Post #: 39

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies - 2/7/2009 4:32:04 AM

Nikitaa

Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

quote:

BDSM chemistry is important in a BDSM relationship, that should be a no-brainer.
[typo fixed]

Should be, shouldn't it?

Not in all. I do not seek chemistry. I do not seek serious relationship at this time. I only seek kink dating and play. I make this very clear to men I reply too seriously in email. I tell the men "I do not seek serious relationship. I only seek mouse toy to use for my private fetish and then I will discard like trash." Then I ask if this what they want. Some say no but many say YES! Many men have fetish of having dominant use them and discarding them as if they were nothing more than empty soda can.

I seek no chemistry or bonding with my next subs. I seek only mouse toy. I make very clear.

I write this to show not all kink relationship deep and serious. Some looked with disdain after reading of my conditions (in replies I send to their messages). Some send replies saying as much and insulting me. lol. Some were from this forum (hardbodysub is NOT one of those men). Some think all kink relationship should be about emotion and caring and blah blah blah. Some too close minded.

I only seek a good time. Is what my subs want, is what I want, everyone happy.
Maybe after college I seek serious relationship, not now.

(friends okay, only not serious relationship. College is fun time, not deep emotional caring and chemistry time)

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 40

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