M wanting to know your fantasies (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive



Message

Leathersandals -> M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 4:30:36 PM)

During my short time here I've read (in both profiles and on the forums) that some subs do not like it when a Dom makes in inquiry into what a sub may enjoy/fantasize about. I see a couple of issues with this:

1. The dom can easily say "oh i love all those things to" in an effort to generate interest in themselves.
2. It is "un-domly" to worry about the wants/fantasies of a sub.
3. It shows the dom lacks imagination.
4. All of the above.

I'm sure I left some out, but that's what I've read about mostly. They are all valid points.

However, I was initially puzzled because one of the first things I've thought to ask people is basically what they are into and to elaborate upon it. For example if they say they enjoy humiliation, I want to know the details.  But not for any of the reasons listed above. I want to accomplish a couple of things:

1. I want to know in an effort to match our wants and needs.
2. I'll know how to "reward" them in the future.
3. It shows me the sub is also creative and can think on their own.


My question is this, how do you accomplish getting to know the sub and their fantasies, without all the negative connotations in the first part of my post. I have messaged a few people and told them what I was into, and also asked to elaborate about a couple of things listed in their profile, and they reply with things like "figure it out for yourself" or "If you were a real Dom it wouldn't matter".  I was left very puzzled. I am very forward about what I want, It is outlined in my profile. I'm very specific about what I want, I'm not going to pretend I like diapers (I have no interest in diapers) just to get some ass.

Anyway I'd like some feedback from you subs, especially the gals, about how to better approach this issue.

Thanks.

L


P.S. Completely off topic but I had someone tell me i was too sex-oriented just now, and that they wanted a less sex-oriented person... o....k...








SassySarijane -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 4:36:50 PM)

A lot of us prefer someone to get to know us as a person first. Bringing sex or kink in right away is a huge turn off to a lot of submissives who are looking for the whole enchilada, not just parts. That's likely why you are getting negative responses.

Edited to add: I'm a person. Submissive, masochist, bottom, kink, bdsm are all parts of me, but do not define the entire me and when someone wants to focus just on those parts, it tells me they are more interested in that than in me as a person and I move right on.



aravain -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 4:37:00 PM)

I don't really wanna talk about things like that in the first few emails :P

Plus, I think it stems from wanting to be the person who does the matching up, verses being matched up.

If I make no sense it's 'cause I'm high on anti-histamines [:-][&:]



Caillin -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 4:41:23 PM)

Well, I'll agree with those who say they don't want to talk about it without trust first. After, I'm shy in a weird little way. So my Dom has me write (this is a common theme for me) what my fantasies are. Or he has me show him examples in literature or video. I find that much easier than just telling him.



Leathersandals -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 4:42:04 PM)

Aravain:

Good points... I think.  Please try that again when you aren't high, I'd like to hear what you have to say.  [:D]



KyttynTheMynx -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 4:45:52 PM)

The way I have seen it in my message boxes is, guy asks about fantasies and turn ons.  Girl answers.  Guy removes his pants to play with the rooster.  Girl gets disgusted, and disappears.  Guy now only sees her as a form of wank fodder, thus wasting time.



littlewonder -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 5:12:58 PM)

I only share my fantasies with those I am intimate with, not total strangers.

When someone messages me I want them to get to know me as a person, not as an object of their fetishes and/or kinks.




scoreandmalice -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 5:21:13 PM)

quote:

KyttynTheMynx


Okay, Kyttn, you quoted my favorite song. I have priceless memories associated with that...

And on the topic of the thread...I'd be a bit offended if a Domme emailed asking to know my fantasies. That definitely has its place in an established relationship, but to get the ball rolling? Nope. I have my kinks, I'll share them with you, but let's at least have dinner first. :)



Leathersandals -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 5:26:58 PM)

Thanks for the responses guys.

I just want to clarify that I don't open with "I love monkey butt sex how about you?!". But after reading some responses I may start talking about it too soon.

I've noticed that when gay men send me (unsolicited) message they get right to the point, I assume females get the same treatment from hetero men. I guess guys are just wired differently. [&:]

I feel like the "Hi, how are you i noticed x y z in your profile I like x y z too"  might be the way to go. . if a bit vanilla, but the problem is sometimes all they'll include in their profile is kink. What do you think ladies?



windchymes -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 5:39:14 PM)

The way I look at it is, if I'm in this site, we already have "this" in common.  Kinky stuff can always be negotiated, I don't want to talk about it with someone I barely know. When a guy wants to start talking fantasies, to me, that feels like he's just looking for entertainment, he's horny, his wife is out of town, and he'll be *poof* and gone as soon as the "fantasy" wears off.  He doesn't care who I am, he's just looking for some jollies, and he'll listen to anybody's fantasies because it floats his submarine. 

To me, if a guy makes the effort to get to know "me", my personality, my opinions on life in general, vanilla activities I like to do, that attracts me to him.  Because I'm not in here to have my fantasies fulfilled.  I'm here for a realistic, down-to-earth relationship.  I prefer to live in reality, not fantasy.  And if I meet the one that I actually "click" with, those "fantasies" will become reality.

Back to add....I understand that you (the OP) have good intentions, but "tell me about your fantasies" just sounds like a cheesy chat room pick-up line, and that's probably the reason you get so many negative responses.



Leathersandals -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 6:07:14 PM)

Thanks everyone.

I guess i just needed a bit of perspective from the other side.

Do you all have any examples of good introductions? I'm still trying to get my bearings here as well as in the lifestyle in general, I fully intend to be myself, but I believe timing and presentation is what  I need help with. I am not out to disrespect anyone nor make anyone feel like "wank fodder" (at least for now [;)]).





feydeplume -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 6:11:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leathersandals

I feel like the "Hi, how are you i noticed x y z in your profile I like x y z too"  might be the way to go. . if a bit vanilla, but the problem is sometimes all they'll include in their profile is kink. What do you think ladies?



What about their picture or their journal? What about the gaps between the lines in the kink talk? What about how well they express themselves or that you are sorry to hear how crappy others have been. How about looking at thier likes and dislikes (the vanilla stuff) and seeing if they like hiking or camping?





aravain -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 6:21:26 PM)

I'm a gay man...

Just sayin'.

The people who do that want teh sex not the relationships



peppermint -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 6:42:27 PM)

You forgot to include the most common issue with the telling of fantasies.  Those are the self proclaimed Doms (they are made Dom by checking the appropriate box when filling out profile)  who are here to whank and haven't a clue as to what a Dominant is.  They prey on the newbies who think they are supposed to be honest and tell a Dom everything.  



thetab -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 6:50:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leathersandals

Do you all have any examples of good introductions? I'm still trying to get my bearings here as well as in the lifestyle in general, I fully intend to be myself, but I believe timing and presentation is what  I need help with. I am not out to disrespect anyone nor make anyone feel like "wank fodder" (at least for now [;)]).


I may be a male submissive, but like a lot of the people answering here, I'm mostly looking for an actual relationship, beyond just a random play partner or sex.  I've recieved plenty of emails, almost entirely from guys, and 99% of the time, they'll start with what kinks they're into, and what kinks I'm into, and once we jump to the 'chat on IM service' stage, they seem to love asking questions rapid fire about my desires, and my experience.

However, I recently had an email that made me sit up and take notice, which pointed out that we have a lot in common, beyond just kink.  He mentioned some of his vanilla interests, and basically the focus wasn't "oh look, you like bdsm?  i like bdsm, let's have sex"

So, yeah.  Comment on something other than your kinks, and you'll have better luck getting a response.  There's nothing wrong with providing a list of kinky interests in your profile, but doing the same with your first email is mostly just going to come off as wank fodder.



KyttynTheMynx -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 6:57:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leathersandals

Thanks everyone.

I guess i just needed a bit of perspective from the other side.

Do you all have any examples of good introductions? I'm still trying to get my bearings here as well as in the lifestyle in general, I fully intend to be myself, but I believe timing and presentation is what  I need help with. I am not out to disrespect anyone nor make anyone feel like "wank fodder" (at least for now [;)]).





How about...

Hi!  I am XXX.  I came across your profile and you seem very interesting. (perhaps ask about hobbies, interests, yadda yadda small talk stuff.)



aravain -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 7:11:45 PM)

AH! It's XXX! SHOOT HIM!

O.O


*coughs*



SirMIkeSD -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 7:23:26 PM)

I personally don't want to hear about what a sub likes if I am talking to them about joining my family until we have talked quite a bit and meet in person. Until then it's just give me your limits so I have clue with I will be working with. Otherwise you run a big chance in just being a wank session for someone, if that's all they want to talk to me about I move on right away. If I am playing with someone that I don't know well, then yes I will discuss it with them, but this is in person at the point that we are ready to play.

Mike



natasha66 -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 8:05:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I only share my fantasies with those I am intimate with, not total strangers.

When someone messages me I want them to get to know me as a person, not as an object of their fetishes and/or kinks.




What she said.



DavanKael -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/5/2009 8:11:14 PM)

I want a partner to be interested in my fantasies and I am definitely interested in theirs; relationships take mutuality.  :>  Not to mention, swapping fantasies is fun!!!  :> 
Davan



Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125