RE: Questions Needed Answered, Please! (Full Version)

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tazzygirl -> RE: Questions Needed Answered, Please! (2/18/2009 9:18:40 PM)

just a thought, OP.  a master is someone who has mastered himself first.  either he is lying to you, or himself in his wants and desires.  either way, doesnt sound like he has too much self mastery.

i do wish you luck



Kana -> RE: Questions Needed Answered, Please! (2/18/2009 9:26:19 PM)

I was not implying sex was involved between the two of you per see
making more of a generalization.

I rarely make judgment comments because I/we are standing on the outside and no one knows your situation better than you
and I agree that relationships take work
lots of it
compromise too
which is something that people miss
BDSM is no different than any other relationship here

I was broadly answering your original post
The question I would have is
Can I/we put whatever caused the distrust behind me/us and move on with him/us?
If so, great, go right ahead.
But if not, I would leave.

But its a tough thing for me
because once trust is broken I am not really wired to give it away again easily or at all.
And while I do think BDSM is like any other relationship in most ways
I think trust is more important here than in a nilla relationship
simply because the nature of the beast
People can get seriously hurt
Bound, helpless, unable to prevent him from doing his will
I sure hope there is trust




urlittleprincess -> RE: Questions Needed Answered, Please! (2/19/2009 8:06:04 AM)

i would just like to offer my sympathies to this girl...i have been through something similar, although in my case we were in a fairly new relationship which was long distance and the issue was more a case of misaligned expectations. He began spending some time with another submissive, without telling me.  my gut instict kicked in and i 'knew'...i confronted Him.  He finally admitted it.  the damage was done to the relationship.  once trust is broken, it is very hard to recover...you just cannot argue with 'feelings'.  communication is key.  had He been upfront and told me what was happening i would have had to accept it or leave...i wasn't given the choice so it caused major issues. 
 
i stayed with Him...and to this day we are still dealing with trust issues that come up.  i do love Him but i sometimes wish i had made the choice to leave...end the relationship. by staying i also accepted that i will probably never truly trust Him, no matter how trustworthy He may be.  He pays for His actions every time He to appease my worries or it is implied i do not trust Him...it doesn't happen as often as it used to, but it is still there for me.  we live together now, and He conducts Himself in a completely open manner...answers His phones on speakerphone, opens all mail in front of me, opens emails in front of me...
 
i feel for you...it can get better, but communication is a necessity....as well as understanding.  He made the mistake therefore He must be the one to take action and fix it. He has done His best to be open about everything so in my heart i swear that if it ends, it will because of my inability to let go of the past and focus on what is happening in the here and now.



MissBeautiful2U -> RE: Questions Needed Answered, Please! (2/19/2009 9:09:19 AM)

Clearly the two of you saw the relationship in a different light.  I know it has to be hard right now for you emotionally because you realize that things are not 'as you thought them to be, but rather something different.

In order to regain trust, talking is absolutely imperative.  You need to know what he feels you have consented to and where are the boundaries.  For many, he crossed a boundary, for others he did not.  It comes down to what is the dynamic of your relationship.  The difficult thing in bdsm, at least in my experience, is finding someone who you are compatible with personality wise as well as kink wise.

What issue is too big to compromise on?  For some there are many, for others there are few.  You have to decide what is important for you.  If you want an exclusively monogamous relationship with your Master, it is likely you will have to move on or he will have to make a huge compromise on his desires and commit to you.    In my opinion, the reestablishment of trust would come down to the issue of whether he felt he was being deceitful and sneaky in searching for another or if he felt he was within his rights.  You can ignore the question of whether he was actually within his rights for a moment.  Was he doing something wrong in his mind when he did it?  If the answer is yes, then you probably don't have much to work with here... it would be hard to trust again.  If he felt he was in the right, then you might be able to reestablish trust by discussing those boundaries.

The difficult thing with advice is there are so many different ways people go about relationships.  In my mind, if I wanted more than one slave, that would be my perogative.  (at this point searching for just one) but I would personally involve my first slave in finding a second because the only way long-term things can work is if the two are compatible with one another.  At least that's what I've observed from knowing a handful of poly couples.  Those for whom it worked had mutual trust with all involved.

I really do hope this works out for you.



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