StrangerThan
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
I see, over and over, relationships that are changing and shifting. I see people entering relationships, and leaving relationships, and I see so many people who come out of these changes feeling hurt, angry, lost, and burned. Many times, it seems to me that this comes out of promises made between Keeper and servant, like "I will love you -forever-", or "I will -always- take care of you", or "Unto death does us part", or "You are the only slave/Master/whatever for me", or "I will never leave you", or "I'll never love -anyone- but you". It seems to me, as we approach Valentine's Day, that perhaps many of the aches and pains of our BDSM relationships, and, in particular, our romantic BDSM relationships come out of this idea that we have the capacity to promise something that is an intangible, and is completely outside of our control.
I am curious to hear from people who make or have made these kinds of promises -- who promise "forever", and "always", and intimate that they will never change, and that the person they are with will never change, in their feelings towards one another. I am interested in the self-talk that people do when they are considering making such 'lifelong' promises, for which there can be no guarantee, when a promise intimates just such a guarantee -- something one should be able to count on. So... if you've made promises about loving forever, being faithful forever, or taking care of/keeping someone forever, what thought process goes through your mind, and how do you consider the dichotomy that human beings change, and that relationships mutate, people change and grow apart, and that we cannot always control who we end up becoming attracted to. I am also interested in how those who have succeeded thus far, and those whose relationships, made under such promises, have ended, feel about such promises going forward.
Aside from the phrasing, BDSM doesn't really belong in this thread. Well, I guess it could, but there's nothing sacred about broken BDMS relationships nor anything that specifically belongs to the world of kink in the overall question of should we promise or shouldn't we, and what real value does that promise have if we make it. Somewhat ironic that it comes with Valentine's Day in mind too since the premise of questioning the value of a promise is what one could use to advocate the death of that romantic forever.
My answer is going to be somewhat different.. I think.
When I found out Santa didn't exist, I didn't give up on the concept and value of giving from the heart nor of making that time special for others.
When I discovered daydreams only came true if you worked at making them come true, I didn't want to stop daydreaming. And when I discovered that some literal dreams would never come true, that I'd never be able to fly like Superman or swim like a merman, I didn't want to stop dreaming.
When I discovered that reality wasn't always as good as the fantasy that drove it, I didn't stop fantasizing.
When I discovered that sometimes folks lie, it didn't relieve the need in me to believe that truth is the stronger part of most people.
When I saw how so many people had been killed, enslaved or mistreated in the name of religion, it didn't make want to stop believing in God.
When I learned I could live alone and do so in a fulfilling and happy way, it didn't make me always want to be alone.
What those things did, was give me perspective. I married at a very young age because my girlfriend was pregnant. We both knew the marriage wasn't going to last, and in fact, discussed prior to it, how long we'd need to stay together. We did it because of parental pressures on her side, because of the fact that we both felt a responsibilty to the baby. We didn't decide on a number of years, we decided on goals, to put each other through college, to give the baby the best household we could during that time. It took 12 years. So I uttered those vows knowing I would break them. I don't regret a minute of it and it didn't make me want to give up on the idea of love lasting.
Yes, people change. Needs change. Life itself changes. But the two things that I've always believed drove a large part of human development was hope and imagination. If I can't hope for a love that lasts, or imagine one that does, it seems like something inside is broken. If I can only exist in one as long as it meets my every need, doesn't tempt me or try me then all I am really offering anyone is a transition. As many have so well noted here, traditional vows make us promise things we often have little control over. I don't think I would ever utter those again. At the same time, being a transition also means you're always in transition. Is that all you really want to be? A transition and in transition?
There are things I will say. I will say that I will take time every day to do the things I need to do to show you I love you. I will always listen. I will do whatever it takes to give you a place where happiness can exist. I will promise to never cheat on you. And yes, I will say I will love you forever. I can't promise to be with you forever. But I can promise that if I do the things above, if I give that place where happiness can be, where there is no need for secrecy or living double lives or hiding needs or desires, then forever is in my mind, until death. That is the hope. That is the grand design in the imagination.
I'm damned well not giving up on either one of them. Regardless of how long I live, whether it be tomorrow or 50 years from now, I want hope and imagination to leave when I leave and not before.
And I'm lucky. I found a good girl to vent that hope and imagination upon.
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RE: Realism in promises - 
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