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Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goes wi... - 2/11/2009 5:05:59 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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There are lots of females on here that state in there profile that they would be up for a couple relationship.

This is not about a Dom/sub couple taking on a second submissive... something I feel that can work beautifully or be filled with a whole load of insecurities.

This is about a Dom/Domme couple taking on a female submissive.
Do you do the looking together? or does the female partner have the bigger input?

To the female in the relationship
As a female would you be happy about taking on a younger, prettier sub who primarily in her profile is looking for a man but would consider a couple?
Have you been there, done that and found it to be threatening because she is sending him all the text messages and looks into his eyes far more submissively than when she looks into yours?

To the male in the relationship
I know my partner prefers me (as the woman) to do the looking and he's happy about the female wanting me more than him because he knows Im not going to run away with her. How would you feel about this?
Have you tried bringing in a submissive only to find your partner becomes jealous and its all ended in tears?

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S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

Post #: 1

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 5:14:32 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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Honestly, the questions that you're asking sound a little like jealousy is an issue already.

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"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to allthatjaz)

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RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 5:18:20 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Honestly, the questions that you're asking sound a little like jealousy is an issue already.

Im not actually asking about me, though I have been there and I know full well the implications of being in a three way relationship where the female gave him the big come on and virtually ignored me. Yes I did feel jealous, angry, threatened because at the end of the day Im just human with a strong emotional attachment to my man.
I have also been in three ways that have worked really well and over a long period of time, so I do know absolutely it can work if there are no hidden agendas and we are all open about how we feel.

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S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 3

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 5:31:10 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
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I know... no major shock that we're responding huh?

At first we were both looking but twice found us. And it wouldn't bother me personally if she was younger and prettier... anyone that knows me knows that as far as I'm concerned that wouldn't be a difficult task. I'm very secure in my relationship with my husband and am not concerned about him finding a replacement for me... I am, after all, irreplacable. Really... just ask him. As far as her being more submissive to him? Well, yeah, that happens. Soooooooooo I'm looking for my own "toy". But that doesn't take away from our relationship as a group. She is more like a "wife" to me... you know, she takes care of me and there is no sex involved. lmao.

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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Post #: 4

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 5:33:13 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

I think it depends on the people involved. If one partner of the couple is more comfortable doing the whole getting-to-know-you process, then it might be better for him or her to make the initial contact and have the first few talks with the potential third, but I think the best thing is for both parties to be involved in the process and to confer with one another as it progresses.

Also, consider the fact that the potential new girl might be more comfortable first talking to the female half of the couple to make sure they hit it off, or on the other hand, she might feel that it's better to talk with the male half first, if he is the ultimate "master" of the threesome. So many variables, that's why it's all dependent on each new potential and each couple and what feels right to all involved.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 5

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 5:34:22 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

Oh this does not have a really good feel to it already.

Not because of the subject but because of the way you are wording the questions, I am with Erin, it sounds as though jealousy will become an issue.

My thoughts are...

get really clear on WHY you want a sub.
get really clear on what that subs duties will be and what the play will look like.
what amount of time do you each want to spend with the third
what are you going to do when she favors one and tries to push the other out

something that worked for me for a while was that either party had veto power over the relationship (this only works if you both actually do it, which we did not and we are not together anymore, he is with her still though)

I would really look starting out with play/service/rules that dont involve sex for a while...i dont think you guys are ready for that just yet.

There is some tricky navigating here, which ever one of you is the long term patient thinker should put some thoughts on paper, and you both should practice a little before bringing someone totally into the fold...

this may sound really dumb but do you have a dog? do you agree on how you train, feed and care fore him or are there issues?

if there are issues, you will find those issues magnified 10 times in bringing in a other human,,,,,and this could really hurt the new human emotionally so be careful please.

If you dont have a dog or a kid, maybe start there, this is tricky stuff and if you value the relationship you are in now, you will do what ever you need to do to set your self up for the most destabalising thing that a couple can face, besides illness, or care of an elder parent.

If you can find a mentor couple that is making it work it cant hurt....and go slow...realy realy slow....

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"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 6

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 5:42:14 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

Honestly, just reading the post, as written and without reading the responses, i would caution you to rethink the entire thing. If i were a single sub looking to join a couple, based on just the questions posed, i would discount that couple.

Its not about competition, its not about jealousy, its not about whos prettier or who is looking into whose eyes, its about creating a dynamic and a foundation.

One thing i would suggest would be to change the goal to finding a third who can come in and then leave at will...not a threesome, but more of a steady third who acts as more of a satelite to the relationship (spelling aside). See if any issues arise in that?

All due respect if i misread or misunderstood the post.

perse

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 5:49:18 AM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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I suggest searching for the phrase "ready for poly" on the Polyamory board.

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- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 6:17:21 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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Ok I have to jump back in here and state that this is clearly not about me/us and Im sorry if I worded it in a way that can be interpreted that way.
We have play mates. We do not have and are not looking for a sub to come into our relationship other than for a bit of fun now and again and that we already have and are happy about.

I have been doing three ways in an equal Dom/Domme relationship for a long time. All but once it went wrong and I clearly know the warning signs if it were to happen again.

This is a friend of mine I am chatting to at the moment who's man has gone out (not my man

) and found them a submissive to share. To this point she has had no input. Because they are very much like Steve and me (equal status Dom/Domme couple) I can understand the complications of this. Unlike us, they have never been in a three way and from the sound of it she is doing it more for him than for them. My initial advice when asked for was for her to do the hunting and to go for a bi female with more preference to wanting a Mistress than a bi female with more preference to the male.
My advice only comes out of my own experience and my question was not meant to open an un-existing can of worms over Steve's and my relationship.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 9

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 6:28:28 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

If the submissive is showing a one sided service, then I believe that the couple should be up front and set her straight immediately. Once a pattern emerges, if it is not corrected immediately, it will just become common and an issue. If the submissive doesn't alter then say thanks but, there is an incompatability issue.
I don't believe that in this issue or scenario you have presented, it would be constructive for the dominant female to be(technically) in a place of submission to the third by letting her get away with what she wants. Plenty more fish an all that.
(Hope you are well and best regards Maria!)

the.dark.

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RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 10

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 6:30:41 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

For what it's worth, I read it as curiosity-based, hypothetical questions. I couldn't tell from reading your op WHY you wanted to know, only that you had presented a basic "opinion poll" type of question.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 11

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 6:48:16 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

Thanks the dark
Some years ago with my ex of many years we knew a sub from the scene. She made it be known that she would be very interested in joining us. As time went on we had many discussions with her before all agreeing to give it a go. What I didn't know and what I found out later is that she had the big hots for my partner, was not at all bi but was willing to give it a go to get in our bed with him. Once there it became pretty obvious that she had her own agenda and so on my ex and me discussing it we decided that for the next few weeks she would only have me. This she clearly didn't want and text after text was sent to my ex (who totally ignored her) pleading with him to see her on her own. We of course both told her to fuck off.

I was not jealous, I was angry and I felt used and clearly she tried it on. Sometimes you can't create a foundation or a dynamic because your not dealing with truth.

Like you the.dark, I believe that if this is to work and god knows it can be complicated, it has to be clear cut, clean and absolutely up front without gray corners.

P.S Over that dreaded bug now thanks. Hope your well too

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 2/11/2009 6:49:08 AM >

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S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 12

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 6:48:34 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Ok I have to jump back in here and state that this is clearly not about me/us and Im sorry if I worded it in a way that can be interpreted that way.
We have play mates. We do not have and are not looking for a sub to come into our relationship other than for a bit of fun now and again and that we already have and are happy about.

I have been doing three ways in an equal Dom/Domme relationship for a long time. All but once it went wrong and I clearly know the warning signs if it were to happen again.

This is a friend of mine I am chatting to at the moment who's man has gone out (not my man ) and found them a submissive to share. To this point she has had no input. Because they are very much like Steve and me (equal status Dom/Domme couple) I can understand the complications of this. Unlike us, they have never been in a three way and from the sound of it she is doing it more for him than for them. My initial advice when asked for was for her to do the hunting and to go for a bi female with more preference to wanting a Mistress than a bi female with more preference to the male.
My advice only comes out of my own experience and my question was not meant to open an un-existing can of worms over Steve's and my relationship.

Oh, okay...whew...now im clearer.

In my limited experience with this sort of thing, i suppose that there is a huge tendency to sub more to one than the other...but over time and in the evolution of the dynamic, things change. i have to have a singular focus at first especially and so its a lot less a problem if i can focus on one D at a time and work my way into the headspace to combine things. i need to have a couple with a very firm foundation of trust to be able to withstand the growing pains that i would inevitably cause just by being there and getting involved. i really hesitate to even come in as a fun diversion when getting to know a couple, if i can sense any sort of division...and would run like the wind if i caught a hint of one partner "doing it" for the other and not themselves...its a recipe for disaster and i cant be that last straw that broke a relationship.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 13

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 7:05:31 AM

subangi

Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

I have seen many times when a couple has welcomed a third in a very strong based relationship. there were no thoughts of infidelity before that, but, with a certain person entering into the relationship, it had caused the other to stray with the temptation offered to him. This was in a vanilla relationship, but the basic trust, honesty, commitment is not that different in the lifestyle. But, I have to admit, I find it difficult to think there is so much time on hand to invest in someone else, whether its with the threesome or not.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 14

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 7:40:45 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subangi

I have seen many times when a couple has welcomed a third in a very strong based relationship. there were no thoughts of infidelity before that, but, with a certain person entering into the relationship, it had caused the other to stray with the temptation offered to him. This was in a vanilla relationship, but the basic trust, honesty, commitment is not that different in the lifestyle. But, I have to admit, I find it difficult to think there is so much time on hand to invest in someone else, whether its with the threesome or not.

I agree that this does not have to be scene related.
I also agree that bringing someone in to a very strong based relationship can still upset the balance and its something that takes a lot of time, dedication and commitment from all concerned.
I have to admit that I would find it impossible to move into something like this, knowing Im the third person. To see a couple love and adore each other and know that I will only be given a shared dose from each would never be enough for me but thats me, we are all different. On the other hand I think it would be amazing to be in a three way and all loving one another equally but I believe that although that is very possible, it is an even harder dynamic to get right.

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S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to subangi)

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RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 10:11:12 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

If the submissive is showing a one sided service, then I believe that the couple should be up front and set her straight immediately. Once a pattern emerges, if it is not corrected immediately, it will just become common and an issue. If the submissive doesn't alter then say thanks but, there is an incompatability issue.the.dark.

Well I think the couple should gently point it out and work as a team to bring things more into balance. However, if the woman in question is young, is new, is not very experienced with women, it's extremely normal and natural for them to seek the male for attention and approval. Telling her she's bad and needs to shape up is just being unrealistic and really callous to the person you CHOSE to bring in- knowing her situation and likely responses.

Of course if change does not occur, then the situation should end. But like most things in poly, it's not just one persons issue to deal with or wrongdoing.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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Post #: 16

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 10:16:18 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

If the submissive is showing a one sided service, then I believe that the couple should be up front and set her straight immediately. Once a pattern emerges, if it is not corrected immediately, it will just become common and an issue. If the submissive doesn't alter then say thanks but, there is an incompatability issue.the.dark.

Well I think the couple should gently point it out and work as a team to bring things more into balance. However, if the woman in question is young, is new, is not very experienced with women, it's extremely normal and natural for them to seek the male for attention and approval. Telling her she's bad and needs to shape up is just being unrealistic and really callous to the person you CHOSE to bring in- knowing her situation and likely responses.

Of course if change does not occur, then the situation should end. But like most things in poly, it's not just one persons issue to deal with or wrongdoing.

I wasn't assuming the age or experience of anyone. I said to set him/her straight as soon as possible and not mislead the person so it becomes unalterable. How a couple do it, is up to them. They know the experience and personality of the person and should act accordingly. Not string them along and set them up for a fall.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 10:16:46 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

While its never just one persons issue or wrongdoing, its a heck of a common roadblock. If only....

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 10:28:03 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

If the submissive is showing a one sided service, then I believe that the couple should be up front and set her straight immediately. Once a pattern emerges, if it is not corrected immediately, it will just become common and an issue. If the submissive doesn't alter then say thanks but, there is an incompatability issue.the.dark.

Well I think the couple should gently point it out and work as a team to bring things more into balance. However, if the woman in question is young, is new, is not very experienced with women, it's extremely normal and natural for them to seek the male for attention and approval. Telling her she's bad and needs to shape up is just being unrealistic and really callous to the person you CHOSE to bring in- knowing her situation and likely responses.

Of course if change does not occur, then the situation should end. But like most things in poly, it's not just one persons issue to deal with or wrongdoing.

I won't go into the entire story because to be honest its too long and boring but in this particular case the female in question was not new, far from it in fact. she was younger and I think prettier than me but her final words were just that. 'Why be with her when you can be with me? I mean look at what you could have!
We didn't break her heart and she was not left defenceless and wounded, she just wanted a man that was in a relationship.

We can't always make excuses up for the submissive and I am glad we didn't in this particular case. She knew exactly what she was doing but just chose not to tell us during our discussions.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 2/11/2009 10:30:36 AM >

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: Dom/Domme couple bringing in a sub and all that goe... - 2/11/2009 1:06:07 PM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

Jealousy always really means insecurity, and if someone is feeling insecure, then tit's an issue that all the parties need to work out.

My Lord and I are attempting to dabble in poly, and have had very limited success. One thing we always address immediately are any issues of jealousy. How do I feel, how does he feel, and what is causing it? Anything we can do to make it better, or is it a deal breaker? In our world, we are trying to improve our quality of life and share this amazing thing we have together with a deserving other. If they are not enhancing our lifestyle, then they will not be in it. WE come first, and until we have faith that they have become part of WE then they are not required. Of course, once the commitment is made, we expect from them the same standard of commitment we make to each other, and will give them the same.

IMHO...In this case, it doesn't sound unworkable, just like all the parties aren't communicating clearly, and that the younger, prettier girl needs direction and guidance in what's expected of her. I say they should talk it out, and if that doesn't work, she needs to go because the primary relationship takes precedence.

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(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 20

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