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RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 6:23:45 AM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitterlystung

Alas it has been too long (2 years) that I have been holding onto this bitterness and this hurt.

TWO FUCKIN YEARS!

Then by all means might I recommend;

A liter of Everclear 151 Grain Alcohol

A Hitachi Magic Wand

A copy of 'Knitting On Top Of The World' by Nicky Epstein

A copy of 'Spinsters and Lesbians: Independent Womanhood in the United States' by Trisha Franzen

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 21

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 6:28:30 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

I missed the two years info. Here I was thinking it was recent.
New advice...
Snap out of it!

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Post #: 22

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 3:56:17 PM

TranceTara

Posts: 152
Joined: 12/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitterlystung

Any suggestions on good books that I could read on how to do that?

I just remembered a most wonderful book called The Diamond in Your Pocket by Gangaji. And that reminds me of Eckhart Tolle's latest, A New Earth. Both are excellent.

This is from Chapter 3 of The Diamond in Your Pocket:
As we grow up, we experience that even our friends can betray us, can lie to us. We experience in ourselves the capacity to lie to our friends, our husbands, our wives, our teachers, and our governments. We find that our own thoughts can deceive us or torture us; they aren’t trustworthy. Our own emotions can get out of control. Our bodies cannot be trusted: they stumble and fall, they get sick, they age, and they die. The message becomes not to trust, not to open; opening is dangerous; it can lead to hurt. And with that conviction, a kind of hyper-vigilance of the mind develops to try and collect enough information so that if there is ever a time when it is safe to open, we will know when tat time is. In service to this fear, most of our mental activity in concerned with collecting. No matter how much is collected, there is still more to collect. We go to teacher after teacher, training after training, book after book, tape after tape, in a frantic effort to collect the information we think we need to stay safe. Throughout it all, we have profound yearning just to be open. This is often phrased as the yearning to “return home,” to return to the innocence of a child, to enter heaven. But by this time our mind is no longer a child’s mind. OUr mind, our body, and our emotions have experienced some very rough events.

Maybe in a moment of grace you open to your wife or your husband or your child, your lover, or your teacher. But then the habit to close arses very quickly because memory, whether conscious or unconscious, reminds you that hurt can follow opening.

I am not suggesting that you try to open, or that you try to forget about the past, or that you try to receive. That will only create more struggle. What you can do is simply observe when your mind is open and when it is closed. You can observe those times when you are open to receive and when you are rejecting out of habit. Simply tell the truth--not as a means of gathering more information, but as a path of self-discovery.

Telling the truth about any feeling, thought, or circumstance lays the ground for the power of self-inquiry. Inquiry is like shining a light into a basement where a creaky old furnace that you never even knew existed is spewing noxious gases all through the house. Inquiry opens the door and shines a light in the basement, so you can see and realize, “Oh my God, no wonder I feel sick in my body, mind, and spirit.” In that recognition, without even thinking, the natural course is to turn the furnace off. That comes from your own innate intelligence. You also see that you have within you and endless capacity to open the window of your mind and receive the freshness of what is truly pure. Along the way you recognize that even with the experience of wounding and damage, a purity of being remains. The core of yourself is still whole no matter what fragmentizing has gone on around it.

It is not that people won’t betray you. It is not that your heart won’t break again and again. Opening to whatever is present can be a heartbreaking business. But let the heart break, for your breaking heart only reveals a core of love unbroken.

And remember, true happines never comes from something or someone. It is who we truly are. It just gets covered up with manure now and then.

As those wise men of Monty Python once sang:
Life's a piece of shit when you look at it,
So always look on the bright side of life.

< Message edited by TranceTara -- 2/14/2009 3:57:29 PM >

_____________________________

“Listen, I am trying to cope with the presence of God and the Universal Human Experience, and I haven’t even had a cup of tea yet!” -French and Saunders

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Post #: 23

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 6:43:51 PM

corsetgirl

Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

I can relate to your experience because it took me a year to get over the last ex-dom and I was just dating him for 6 months (talk about that "snap out of it" moment from there!).

I have also read "He is Just Not Into You" and would love to see the movie. You may also want to read that book because this gave me some insight on relationships. Just do so after you are completely healed from this past relationship. The other posters also have good advice, occupy yourself, take a class, or a hobby that you enjoy.

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 2/14/2009 7:21:07 PM >

(in reply to TranceTara)

Post #: 24

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 7:32:31 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

It took 5 long hard years for me to heal..in the end I guess time healed most of the hurts...I admit at times you push it like you'd use your tounge on a bad tooth...But there will come a time when you push at that tooth..and well..it just doesn't hurt anymore..So just take it one day at a time..get out,see people,do things.take trips..make your move on..it works..just takes time...

(in reply to MsFlutter)

Post #: 25

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/16/2009 11:26:56 PM

bitterlystung

Posts: 21
Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline

Thank you, Huntertn and those who posted positive messages. For those who didn't, I understand why you say what you say. Two years is a long time. It is not like I haven't tried to get past this. That is why I finally uncloaked and created an account. Thought that sharing with people who understand would help me start moving in the right direction.

The hardest thing is that I was betrayed. At least, that is how I take it. My heart, "I" was betrayed, at least that is how I take it. Betrayal is hard to deal with.

Yes, I did get drunk and it was alone, except with my two labs, Max and Greta. I got them about two weeks after he and I ended and they have been a Godsend.

Several gave the advice to get outside of myself and volunteer and that is what I am going to do. There is an SPCA office about 10 minutes from my house and I will be looking into that this week. My labs give me unconditional love so I thought I would start with animals and then move onto people.

Speaking of moving on, need to get back to work.

(in reply to Huntertn)

Post #: 26

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/18/2009 12:23:58 AM

bitterlystung

Posts: 21
Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline

Some good news from advice I took. I will be volunteering once a week as a socializer for the animals. Basically I get to play with, groom, walk, de-flea, snuggle, etc. I am feeling better already. Still stung and still hurting but it feels good to take a positive step. Thank you to those who suggested that. I will also be heading to the library with a list of the suggested books. Thank you everyone. I hope I am still welcome here.

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 27

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/18/2009 12:32:21 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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Oh good for you :) I like it when people come back and say what they are going to do, be nice to be kept posted, and dont worry course you are welcome

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There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 28

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/20/2009 10:49:35 PM

bitterlystung

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Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline

Thank you, colouredin. Tomorrow is my orientation at that SPCA and soon I will be working with the animals. I am feeling happier already. Glad I am still welcome here. I really want to heal and move forward.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 29

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/20/2009 10:59:45 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

good on you stung :) I hope this helps you heal *hug*

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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Post #: 30

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/20/2009 11:02:43 PM

bitterlystung

Posts: 21
Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline

Thank you. Me too!

Back to work.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 31

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/20/2009 11:27:16 PM

devotedinSD

Posts: 91
Joined: 11/30/2008
Status: offline

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this. I believe there isn't anything you can do to make it go away except talking about it, over and over again. I've had this experience twice in my life and both times it took years for the emotional.weight to disappear. I know it's hard to believe but it will be ok....one day it will be.

_____________________________

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Post #: 32

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/22/2009 12:13:35 AM

bitterlystung

Posts: 21
Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline

Thank you, devotedinSD. That is why I came here. I need to talk as it is very hard to discuss the reality with my family and vanilla friends. As far they saw, a "roommate" ended up with my love. So in one aspect I have someone to talk to. But as far as what really went down, about the specifics of the M/s and poly life, I have no one to talk to and it is lonely and hard. That is why I came here and opened up some. Some have been kind and thoughtful, some not so kind nor thoughtful, and hey, I understand. I take what is helpful and try to learn from everything, all the feedback.

Had a great time today. Well orientation was long when all I wanted to do was be with the animals, but the group got some time with them when we were finished. I have made a 3 month commitment and can make a longer one after that if I decide to. It seems getting outside of myself was just what I needed. My heart is still sharttered but that will take time.

(in reply to devotedinSD)

Post #: 33

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/22/2009 12:42:24 AM

MsMillgrove

Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline

Oh this thread was so heartening--to see that the good advice of using your time of pain to soothe others was given and taken. Wow. I am so happy for you bitterly. I bet you'll be suprised by this experience as a socializer--the new things you'll discover about the dogs, your co-volunteers and yourself on this journey. What great news. Cheers to you.

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 34

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/22/2009 2:49:40 AM

dreamysubmale

Posts: 204
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitterlystung

I have posted two places here and have had wonderful responses and terrific emails of support. Most everyone is in agreement I need to move on and let go. Any suggestions on good books that I could read on how to do that? I try, I really do, but the pain just will not go away. I keep thinking of those damn commercials with Jane Seymour: Keep your heart open and love will find it's way in, or something to that effect. How can I open what has been hurt so badly? I don't know where to post this question and hope it is okay to post it in this forum. He was not the only love in my life but he was the love of my life. I am only 37 and that is too young to be a spinster. Thank you for your ideas and support.

Does time heal? I don’t know. It’s not the time itself that heals the broken heart, but the events that follow. It can take forever to heal if you only think about the pain and the betrayal that he caused you. It took me almost 5 years to heal from my own heartbreak and the best way I managed to deal with it, was to remember her fondly.

If you ever think of him, think of the best times and the happy times. Be glad that he crossed your path and made you happy. And time will pass and the memories will turn pleasant and it will get easier. Time might not heal but makes everything easier. And you can even love again, don't forget it.

_____________________________

Everywhere man blames nature and fate, yet his fate is mostly but the echo of his character and passions, his mistakes and weaknesses... Democritus

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 35

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/22/2009 11:53:50 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Any suggestions on good books that I could read

That is not where it is at. Simply look at your handle: "bitterlystung". You present yourself in the negative, and that means you live in the negative. If you simply start looking forward, and write down, for yourself, where you want to be in 10 years' time, you'll have all the book you need. As long as you look at it every morning. Otherwise, get a good movie, but don't watch it alone.

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 36

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/22/2009 12:35:29 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

To the OP   -   i really think you are selling yourself short - i think you would make an excellent spinster. You could start by rescuing and hoarding large amounts of dogs, and avoiding your prefered sex entirely. You could dress in shapeless , colourless clothing and make sure you have a layer of dog hair over at all times. Try not to brush your hair or pluck your eyebrows - the disheaveled look is prime for spinsterhood.
   Take out a subscription to the library, and use it.
    Join the flower society.
    Take up politics, and become very earnest.
    Watch a lot of HGTV - and spend a lot of time redecorating your home.
    Think about becoming a religious fanatic - a really good way to stay a spinster - especially if you espouse chastity.
     Consider breeding very small dogs or cats - and talk about it obsessively.

or you could perhaps see a therapist and follow their direction, heal from your emotional traumas, and find another love and be happy. Or not find another love - and be happy.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 37

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/22/2009 12:40:21 PM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

Concentrate on spending time with friends, and perhaps other submissives, until you find your way out of the grief.

I know it sounds insipid to say but the only cure for your pain is time.

You will not find any answers online. You will find your peace and tranquility in activity.

I was once told that it takes a minimum of one third the length of a relationship to get over it. Ergo if you were together six years it takes about two years to get on your feet. If you were together 12 years you can expect to struggle about 4 years. That's actually pretty accurate.

In the case of a deep and abiding love, a fairly short term relationship of 2 to 3 years may be something you never truly 'get over' but you can learn to love again without it being the same situation.

Schedule some lunch visits with friends, or take a class to learn something new. Put yourself in situations where you can peacefully interact with people who are not demanding service from you. Make yourself go to a library or museum once a week. Go window shopping.

You have to make time for activities that you probably won't want to engage in.

One of the best ways to overcome loss is to do something for someone else. Volunteer in a shelter or with a church group that's engaged in helping your community.

Change your focus from your loss to what you're going to do tomorrow.

In time your heart will heal and you'll be ready for another Dom.

Give yourself that time.

Good luck to you,

TM

PS there was a great book I read once on learning to let go, with a title similar to that. It basically gave some techniques for changing your thinking pattern, how to stop cherished greivances and painful memories by telling yourself to 'stop them' and focus on something positive or pleasant, instead. It also devoted several chapters to essentially say that a painful breakup is usually the result of a difference in lifestyle needs. For example: she needs classical music and learning and wants to live in a condo, and he, as much as she loves him, likes football and fishing and has a place in the country. If you examine the differences the two of you had in your lifestyle expectations you'll probably realize why you split up and will recognize it as a good thing. I can't find the book online but if I run across it I'll post the title and authors.

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 2/22/2009 12:54:02 PM >

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Post #: 38

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/22/2009 12:49:09 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

In general I think people will heal in time. However, if you are stuck in the grief cycle, then go find a grief therapist. Or a therapist in general who will help you heal from this and help you figure out how to choose better in the future.

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Post #: 39

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/22/2009 12:51:08 PM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

OMG antipode, your posts are always ultimatums and so blatantly judgmental.

her handle is not who she is. It's simply where she is and what she's dealing with right now.

Get over yourself.

TM

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

Any suggestions on good books that I could read

That is not where it is at. Simply look at your handle: "bitterlystung". You present yourself in the negative, and that means you live in the negative. If you simply start looking forward, and write down, for yourself, where you want to be in 10 years' time, you'll have all the book you need. As long as you look at it every morning. Otherwise, get a good movie, but don't watch it alone.

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 40

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