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RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 5:50:22 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shayna

How are we defining "sex"? There doesn't have to be intercourse, or an orgasm, for an experience to be sexual (erotic...whatever). In keeping with the example, there is no erotic charge, no erotic thrill to performing service?

See, you are substituting the words sex for sexual. Sex meaning the actual act of intercourse does not have to be part of service. But the service can be made sexual in nature by merely having that person wear skimpy clothing while doing it. And for some people there is is no sexual thrill to be of service or being served. Get down on the floor in over-sized overalls and see how sexual you feel while scrubbing.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to Shayna)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 5:52:17 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Actually, for some of us the sexual aspects of this lifestyle are really just icing on the cake and not the primary motivators at all.

I'd agree with this if I saw the majority of people being open to relationships that involved people of the opposite orientation. If what REALLY was the primary motivator was their desire to serve, then sexual orientation and compatibility wouldn't be much of an issue and there'd be a lot more mixing up of things.

The fact that, nearly universally, a heterosexual female submissive will not consider to be committed to anyone except a male bi/heterosexual dominant (and any other compatible combo you can think of) leads me to believe that sex and sexuality actually is one of the larger motivators in getting involved in a Ds relationships.

Adding: The sexy pics that a majority of people put on their profiles also belies the fact that sex and sexuality is not a major component of their relationship choices.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 1/18/2006 5:54:53 AM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 6:13:23 AM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		For me, it is all about sex. That is the primary motivator.

This does not mean that every interaction is overtly sexual or leads to a sexual act. It does mean that sensuality and eroticism and sexuality are inherently wrapped up on the types of activities that I enjoy.

I understand it may be different for other people.

In the swinger scene it is very popular to say, "This is about meeting people with similar views. The sex is just icing on the cake. It is really about the friendships." I always smiled sweetly. But come on...I already have friends. For me, that is about the sex too. Fortunately I developed some good acquaintances and one or two strong friendships. But that lifestyle is about the play for me. The friendships were the added benefit, the icing on the cake.

(in reply to Mauigurrlxxx)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 6:14:58 AM   
plantlady64


Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Hello There,
For me BDSM and how it fills my needs has very little to do with actual sex.
Most of the motivator for me is the sensuality of being Dominated, the Trust, The other BDSM things like 24/7 TPE, spankings, ropes, needles, fire, wax, and the fact pleasing my Master are non-sexual things I enjoy too.
Prior to finding BDSM I was very fixated on intercourse (And my lack of it),now if I had to pick between a scene with no vaginal contact or vanilla sex I'd be more likely to want to scene than screw.
Sensuality and sexuality are two seperate things. Both can be very heavily involved in BDSM contact. For me it's like a bowl of Breyers Vanilla Ice Cream & Hot Fudge Sauce, they compliment each other and are in the same bowl, but they are different things. Mixing them together makes each separate component better but you can eat them one at a time also.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to Mauigurrlxxx)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 6:21:59 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Actually, for some of us the sexual aspects of this lifestyle are really just icing on the cake and not the primary motivators at all.

I'd agree with this if I saw the majority of people being open to relationships that involved people of the opposite orientation. If what REALLY was the primary motivator was their desire to serve, then sexual orientation and compatibility wouldn't be much of an issue and there'd be a lot more mixing up of things.


Well actually I never said that sex and sexuality was not a major component of my relationship choices. What I did say is that it is not the primary motivator. Believe it or not there are some of us who put the sexual talk and action waaaaaay on the back burner. I'm not a have sex with just anyone kind of person and it's not something that I get involved in with potential partners until I have determined that there is much more that I am attracted to about him than his hard cock and his libido. I mean let's face it....if it was just about having sex I could find THAT at any corner bar. For some of us the primary motivator is finding someone who has the personality, the mental, emotional and life qualities that are important. For me that would preclude someone of the opposite orientation based on absolutely nothing to do with sex. People of the opposite orientation have none of the personality traits I seek in a partner. While I am not saying that sex is not in the equation LA...I am saying that when I eat icing....I only prefer to eat it when it is sitting on top of a substantial piece of cake.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 1/18/2006 6:25:39 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 6:24:31 AM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		This will drive many good people batty, but, depends on what lifestyle you are speaking of. When I began, BDSM stood for Bondage, Discipline, Sado - Masochism. Nothing about D/s in there. That was a separate realm however often they were used in conjunction with eachother. At some point it got lumped altogether. Now, I understand the new definition of BDSM to be Bondage, Discipline, Domination/Submission, Sado- Masochism. So in answer to your question - other reasons to get into BDSM? A way to release and/or exchange energies. D/s? The need to control/relinquish control. Neither has anything to do with sex in and of itself.

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to Mauigurrlxxx)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 6:25:01 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
I am saying that when I eat icing....I only prefer to eat it when it is sitting on top of a substantial piece of cake.

Yeah but when you refuse to eat only certain cakes, even cakes you would otherwise love, BECAUSE of that icing on a fairly universal basis, it's hard to suggest and believe that the "icing" really isn't that important a motivator to eat the cake.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 6:48:29 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

Yeah but when you refuse to eat only certain cakes, even cakes you would otherwise love, BECAUSE of that icing on a fairly universal basis, it's hard to suggest and believe that the "icing" really isn't that important a motivator to eat the cake.


I think you are still missing the point. No one with a normal healthy libido would seek out someone who is asexual....or has no icing on their cake if you will. We all prefer different flavors of icing, so yes the icing, or the particular flavor of icing is an important motivator....but once again...it is not the primary motivator.

I was in a long term relationship with a man who had damn yummy icing. He was also a fine piece of cake. One day he was in a severe accident. Suddenly there was no more icing. For the next 3 years.....NO icing...as a matter of fact, icing was probably the farthest thing from his mind. (excrutiating pain has a way of doing that to you). So, did I simply get up and leave that table because the frosting was gone? Well hell no, because even without it he was great frigging piece of cake.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 6:52:17 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
No one with a normal healthy libido would seek out someone who is asexua

They would if sex and sexuality weren't the motivating factors.

You don't care what gender or sexual orientation your swim teacher is as it has nothing to do with their abilities to teach you how to swim better. The only reason to limit your choice of relationship partners to someone who is sexually oriented compatible to yours is if sex and sexuality IS a primary motivator and important aspect of the relationship.

quote:

So, did I simply get up and leave that table because the frosting was gone? Well hell no, because even without it he was great frigging piece of cake.

That's a different context. We're talking about what we prefer to choose and why we prefer to choose it, not what we will deal with when life goes bad.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 7:17:07 AM   
Slipstreme


Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
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quote:

I find it curious that not one profile with expansive descriptions on expectaions for a sub/slave/Dom whatever seems to excludes sexual mention. No profile says I seek an intellectual partner for mental and emotional stimulation and harmoinous companionship sans sex.


As someone who is primarily interested in sensation, and not D/s, even I can say that my sadomasochism does not rely on sex. In fact, I flat out said in my profile, I am not looking for sex. For example, to me, a flogging, on the back, is more rewarding than orgasm as is the psychological high you get on the wielding end. I can only describe it as electrifying. Is sex a part of this? Perhaps, but so far, I'm still a virgin. The way I see it, is that it can be. It doesn't have to be. I think the sex, for most people would come later as they progress into a relationship with someone, as it happens in the Vanilla world.

And, to further prove that you haven't read my profile (and Ive noticed this a lot on other profiles, Heck, mostly on profiles from Dominants) one of the things I specify is that I would like to be involved with someone who can keep up intellectual discourse and someone I could philosophize with. It doesn't have to be a requirement, nor do I say that sex will never happen, because hey: we can't predict the future, and I live by the motto: Whatever happens, happens.

Like many have said, it is more icing on the cake than anything. Most people aren't looking for "a piece of ass." Some are, but is there really any problem with that? After all, the "My kink is not your kink, but your kink is ok" is a good motto to go by. Besides, this type of behaviour is everywhere. You can't avoid it.

It also all depends on what you are looking for. No matter what combination you are looking for, you can find someone to match it. If not here, somewhere else. It is that varied.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 7:44:20 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		The BDSM "lifestyle" IS my sexuality. It is the cake and the icing. I engage in BDSM and try to live as much of the day as possible as a Master to beth because it is who I am. When I have sex, BDSM activities are involved. When I engage in BDSM, sex and sexuality is involved.

I don't know how, and wouldn't want to, make them distinct components of my physical relationships. This is the reason I don't engage in BDSM sessions with people I only know casually. There is an intimacy and a emotional interaction that is too intense to leave behind and just be "casual".

I don't need to have a session to purge any repressed emotions. I'm not making up for a time where I had to be submissive in my life. I don't have any secret hatred of woman. I don't need to dominate a person to "balance" myself. I don't need to take out the frustrations of daily life by demeaning and humiliating a person. I engage in BDSM because I like it - A LOT! I engage in BDSM because it sexy and sexual. My agenda isn't hidden. BDSM is foreplay, climax, and afterglow.

The difficult part about this was finding someone who could but up with this over a long time and felt similarly - YEAH beth!

(in reply to Mauigurrlxxx)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 8:01:31 AM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
sex and sexuality actually is one of the larger motivators in getting involved in a Ds relationships.


Agreed, and it's funny to me that it seems a crime to admit that in the climate of mainstream BDSM. Subtract all sexual drives and human sexuality in general and you would have a rather large, gaping hole in what remained of D/s.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 8:01:55 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Get down on the floor in over-sized overalls and see how sexual you feel while scrubbing.


Well, I know that if I got down on my hands and knees in oversized overalls to scrub a floor, Master'd be all over me, 'cause that would be a huge turn-on for Him. He finds eroticism in the most mundane of tasks, so virtually everything I do for Him has some form of sexual overtone, even though the act itself may not be overtly sexual to me.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 8:17:22 AM   
LadyMorgynn


Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline 		Wow. I haven't been subserient to a man for YEARS! Nor am I looking for a sub/slave for sex, in fact, certainly NOT sexual relationship at all.

I do wonder where you are coming from, but it sounds like a very judgemental place. I wonder what your idea of "sexual deviance" is? I don't have sex at all; you'd probably consider that deviant behavior too!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mauigurrlxxx

Disclaimer: I believe all relationships between men and women should follow a D/s 'lifestyle' for the carnal/core reason that a women is always subserviant to a man but that does not mean she has any lack of intellect. But I see alot of overt sexual deviants online claiming to embrace 'lifestyle' and wonder if this is a accurate representation of most people in 'lifestyle'



_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

(in reply to Mauigurrlxxx)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 8:35:14 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Ok, i'm not a cake eater. And icing is too sweet. Anything that sweet isn't good for you. And when one puts sex above it all, and then doesn't have it. It's going to cause the sweet tooth to get annoyed.

When I entered into the lifestyle It was all about the sex. No other way of describing it. The rest, the service, the attitude, it all developed later on. It's all a matter of growth. I get a thrill out of being able to just simply spend time with Master. And when we are together, there's no sex, every single time. Alot of the time it doesn't even enter our minds. It's just simply being together, talking. We discuss news, weather, daily events in our lives. What our kids are up to. Being in a BDSM, D/s, M/s relationship isn't all about sex. It's about being with someone you want to share your life with. It doesn't have to always be serious. Intelligent conversation is great, but laughing is more fun. Breaking out the water gun and waiting for him to walk through that door ....... not knowing if he's going to strike first coming through that door with a super soaker or the water hose itself.... LOL .... Seeing him drive up knowing he had a bad day at work, being prepared to get him a drink, massage his shoulders for him and listen to him talk about it, or just simply listening to him breath out his frustrations during the massage. Sure this sounds vanilla to some. But it's done with a different feeling. A different desire to be there for someone. Not the "Oh lord, I suppose he's going to want talk about his day again."

Now I know this isn't for everyone. It's not suppose to be. But life is too short to wonder IF things are going the way they're "SUPPOSE" to go. Each relationship and the grounds for these relationships are different for all. Sex, is good, sex is nice. Sex isn't all there is in life. It's an added bonus. In my younger wilder days, I never considered things I do now. It was all about the sex. Exploring, learning, feeling. But now a days...I prefered to have someone try to bond with me on a mental, emotional level, before a sexual one. As I have always tried to do the same. And when I seen one trying to pasify me just to reach the bedroom. For sex, kink, or a scene. I've always told them, it's not going to happen. And if this is where it has to be, then this doesn't need to be at all.

But then again, this is my own opinion of life as a sub vs a sub for sex only.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 9:04:33 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

I'd agree with this if I saw the majority of people being open to relationships that involved people of the opposite orientation. If what REALLY was the primary motivator was their desire to serve, then sexual orientation and compatibility wouldn't be much of an issue and there'd be a lot more mixing up of things.

The fact that, nearly universally, a heterosexual female submissive will not consider to be committed to anyone except a male bi/heterosexual dominant (and any other compatible combo you can think of) leads me to believe that sex and sexuality actually is one of the larger motivators in getting involved in a Ds relationships.


My first Master was gay. In the three years that I served him, I never had a single orgasm and to my knowledge, neither did he. At least not with me. We never had sexual intercourse, it was strictly service, pain and training to tolerate more pain. What my body lacked in sexual stimulation was more than made up for by the flight my mind took. But then, we did not love each other.

My Master/husband now is straight and has no issues at all playing with male submissives. I have never, in 9 years seen him even remove an article of clothing during any scene with anyone, male or female. He enjoys his own head space and doesn't need to have sex to get that 'high.' Now, as husband and wife, we are sexually monogamous, but both of us play with other partners both alone and together in scene only.

I've also done demo's with both men and women which were strictly for the purpose of educating. Most often in front of large groups of people, and there are times where I flew in my head space during those demo's as well whether I was on top or on the bottom because of the incredible energy. That energy is just as addicting and in many ways so much better than anything a 30 second orgasm can offer.

Whether or not someone's primary motivating factor is sexual or for the 'high' from endorphins or adrenaline isn't the important thing in any event. If you're having a good time and have a smile on your face, it's all good.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 9:21:42 AM   
ExistentialSteel


Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think the way you answer this question is often about what type relationship(s) you are currently in. In my opinion, it is much easier to scene with someone without sex than to have sex. I realize many D/s relationships are not about whipping, but take it as an example. Some subs, not in a dedicated relationship(s), can justify letting a new Dom whip them, but feel guilt if sex is involved. The same thing with Doms who will whip a sub only to help her find release. When sex is involved, there is no doubt another dynamic there.

Personally, I rarely scene without sex, but that is right for me. It is not vanilla sex by any means, but a bright D/s combination of feelings, endorphins and physical sex. I want all of her, every charge that goes from every dendrite to axon. I want the synapses blazing hot as I know our larger, physical synaptic bridge will be.


_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 9:27:42 AM   
wolffeathers


Posts: 315
Joined: 8/6/2005
From: Clearwater
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Shayna

I'm curious about others' perceptions, so please educate me: for those that see their "kink" as servitude, are you also saying that there is NO erotic component to that service/position? Then why is it a kink? Why seek servitude on a bdsm site instead of having it be a vocation where it's what you do for a living? Or as an avocation, where you volunteer to clean houses (or whatever the service is) for elderly or disabled?

I don't see my submission as completely sexual, but the sexual/erotic component is so intertwined that the actions I do in submission ARE erotic to me as well.


I'll give, that if the slave is naked, and waiting for me to do something sexual to her, then it's erotic.

However, IMO, not all kinks have to be erotic as well.

Being served is NOT a kink for me.

It's what pleases me on a non sexual, non erotic level.

Unless, of course, that service is sex

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to Shayna)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 9:37:21 AM   
Mauigurrlxxx


Posts: 31
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you all so very much for your input I appreciate reading your opinions and thoughts. I am not judging anyone I am merely inquiring in reflection of what sorts I have encountered. Most things most people say are obviously based on their own personal experiences, this forum will vicariously allow me to see through another view point, hence the reason I laid out the post, THANX! Incidentally my 'disclaimer' is MY opinion and thats all I claim it to be, not anyone elses REALITY but mine. Perception is reality, nez pas?

(in reply to wolffeathers)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX - 1/18/2006 9:43:22 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mauigurrlxxx

Can anyone give me another reason people decide to go from the vanilla world to the 'lifestyle' world besides broadening/exploring their sexual deviancies? Is there any core reason beside heightening their sexual opportunities and expanding their efforts to satisfy their libido?



Interesting, I had to walk away and think about this for a few before I knee jerk responded, im fact cloudboy amd I have been havng these intellectual chats about the life and this question falls in there---

I never "entered the lifestyle" because of sex--that was never an issue, either it was good, I took what I wanted or he got dumped--(most of the time he got dumped)--what i did notice was the relationship--I simply did not like following, I preferred leadaing or going My own way--IMHO, most of the time I did it better anyway--the lack of that dynamic DID begin to impact sex for Me--because I was not able to be who I needed to be, everything was affected--In My early days in this, I was blessed--I had a torrid affair with a married man--who WAS vanilla--so I thought--he was the first person to whom I was able to say, I feel different--I don't feel like other women--I want to be in charge--I want the man to just say--yes--LOL.
He was awesome, he encourgaed Me, I read the Cinderella Complex and was like WTH? That is NOT Me--we watched the cliched Story of O a gizillion times, not for the movie but to talk and understand the concept of Domination and submission ( there wasn't much available in those days guys so don't roll your eyes---smiles)--and he was My guinea pig--the relationship needed no work, we were there with the dynamic, what I needed to reconcile then was the drive to this dark side, the kink, the wicked thoughts--in those first few months we experimented major--yeah so sex was hot--really hot-- I was hot, I was alive! In every part of My being----and when I left him marked, spent and crying in a jacuzzi one weekend---I knew what I was--well so did he---but by then I had the whole package, I needed the day to day relationship dynamic---the tension--the edge--then sex would follow--but even with out sex, the dynamic has to be there, I am a Dominant--with or with out a sub, with or without sex--but when its all there, sex is hot! He let Me use him to learn, to grow, to define, after that everything in My life became better---work, life, My focus--everything--so the answer, is its Me--with or without, its Me. end of story.


< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 1/18/2006 9:45:28 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to Mauigurrlxxx)
Profile   Post #: 40
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