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BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 4:25:45 AM   
crazysubgirl


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		I am keen to meet people who have experience in both BDSM lifestyle and 12 step programs. Does anyone have experience with comibining the two? I am currently on step 4 in a program which has changed my life, and I have sponsors who have been amazing, but I really need to talk to someone who knows about both things. It's kind of hard to call your sponsor and say "I am considering becoming the owned property of another person". Please feel free to contact me privately if you don't want to break your anonymity
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 4:32:40 AM   
MG4Apuppygirl


Posts: 59
Joined: 1/12/2007
Status: offline 		12 step program?? What next. Perhaps you need to get onto the Sydney scene. They are are experts, apparently. 

(in reply to crazysubgirl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 5:07:42 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		I'm not a specialist but heck I'd rather advice you to focus on finishing your 12 step program than entering a relationship like that.

(in reply to MG4Apuppygirl)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 5:35:37 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Shouldn't you get one thing dealt with before venturing into another?

(in reply to crazysubgirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 5:45:22 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		just a thought here, but what if kink was part of her life before and during addiction? what if dealing with her kink issues, whatever they may be (possibly even the reason for turning to additives)  is ABOUT her kink issues. I may not be real up on AA stuff (it does change over time and from group to group and country to country) but it seems to make sense to me to deal with your life issues holistically and not try to compartmentalize one issue away from any other aspect of your life since all parts of your life effect all other aspects.

I may be totally wrong, even probably wrong here. Mental health and personal balance don't come from fixing just the bad thing generally speaking, it comes from changing your whole life to something more viable and worth living.


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If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 5:45:59 AM   
apple2


Posts: 52
Joined: 8/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazysubgirl

I am keen to meet people who have experience in both BDSM lifestyle and 12 step programs. Does anyone have experience with comibining the two? I am currently on step 4 in a program which has changed my life, and I have sponsors who have been amazing, but I really need to talk to someone who knows about both things. It's kind of hard to call your sponsor and say "I am considering becoming the owned property of another person". Please feel free to contact me privately if you don't want to break your anonymity


If you are in a major metro area, you may be able to find a D/s/Leather meeting. Myself and some friends got one started in Chicago, and it was very successful. Assuming that we weren't the only one's with good ideas- there has to be others.

Also, there are a number of "Gay 12-step" type meetings all over the country. You may be able to find leathermen through those meetings who might be able to give you support. It's been my experience that the gay leather community has more facilities for these things than our own pansexual community.

The other option of course, is to get a 12 step meeting started yourself and let other people in our community know it exists. Then make sure you arent the only one responsible for it. DO NOT stop attending the vanilla meetings. But rather suppliment with a leather meeting or leather support person.

Hope that helps.

(in reply to crazysubgirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 6:13:39 AM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: apple2

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazysubgirl

I am keen to meet people who have experience in both BDSM lifestyle and 12 step programs. Does anyone have experience with comibining the two? I am currently on step 4 in a program which has changed my life, and I have sponsors who have been amazing, but I really need to talk to someone who knows about both things. It's kind of hard to call your sponsor and say "I am considering becoming the owned property of another person". Please feel free to contact me privately if you don't want to break your anonymity


If you are in a major metro area, you may be able to find a D/s/Leather meeting. Myself and some friends got one started in Chicago, and it was very successful. Assuming that we weren't the only one's with good ideas- there has to be others.

Also, there are a number of "Gay 12-step" type meetings all over the country. You may be able to find leathermen through those meetings who might be able to give you support. It's been my experience that the gay leather community has more facilities for these things than our own pansexual community.

The other option of course, is to get a 12 step meeting started yourself and let other people in our community know it exists. Then make sure you arent the only one responsible for it. DO NOT stop attending the vanilla meetings. But rather suppliment with a leather meeting or leather support person.

Hope that helps.


OP, you will find, in time, that whatever your experience is or has been, people in 12 step groups have heard it all before. As apple2 has pointed out, this is more likely to be the case in larger urban areas than in small communities. With that caveat, you may consider discreetly asking some folks whom you have come to trust for advice on finding a sponsor who shares a similar background and interests.

Having said that, "turning your will and your life over to your higher power", doesn't mean turning it over to another individual in a 12 step paradigm. Also, most sponsors will caution you about entering into any new romantic relationships in the first year of sobriety. They will also suggest that staying sober, one day at a time, should be your focus and  #1 priority, especially until you have some length of sobriety .

Bit of a sticky wicket for you... Best wishes and good luck.


_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



(in reply to apple2)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 6:23:33 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I have a close submissive friend who has done both and who is a sponsor, let Me contact here and I will put you two in touch.
 
Cat

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(in reply to crazysubgirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 8:28:42 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		From my understanding, if you are in a 12 step recovery program you are not supposed to even consider entering into a relationship for atleast a year after you have completed rehab.

Rushing things will cause undo stress and increase your chances of failure.

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 8:34:23 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

From my understanding, if you are in a 12 step recovery program you are not supposed to even consider entering into a relationship for atleast a year after you have completed rehab.

Rushing things will cause undo stress and increase your chances of failure.

Whole heartedly agree.
However according to her profile, it seems she is already owned, at least she says she's owned but not under consideration etc. I'm kind of confused what she really wants from this post if she's already owned, because then she has already made the decision.

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 9:54:32 AM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		I was under the impression that you're not really encouraged to start a relationship while you are working the steps?  Is that wrong?

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"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to crazysubgirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 10:03:13 AM   
apple2


Posts: 52
Joined: 8/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: junecleaver

I was under the impression that you're not really encouraged to start a relationship while you are working the steps?  Is that wrong?


Yes.

You are not supposed to start a new relationship within the first 12 months of beginning your recovery. However existing relationships are ok.

However, the OP was asking for leather 12-step resources. I'm a little surprised that many people didn't catch that. The proper place for her to get recovery opinions is in group- or from their sponsor.

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 10:07:36 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		Intriguing mind wants to know...what's leather 12-step?

(in reply to apple2)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 10:17:49 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		*warning bad humor*

Its sort of like the different things you get for anniversaries like paper, cotton, leather (i am not making this up), flowers and wood for years 1-5.


_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 10:18:55 AM   
apple2


Posts: 52
Joined: 8/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly

Intriguing mind wants to know...what's leather 12-step?


Basically a 12-step program for people in this lifestyle. Standard AA, NA, ACA, CA, Alanon are not very accepting of SM, Poly, or any of the things we do. That is a generalization.

The way we dealt with it in my community was to start a 12-step meeting specifically our own community. This was because the OP is right. It's very hard to talk about relationships you are dealing with- if you are in this lifestyle and attending vanilla 12-step.

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 10:27:01 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		I love bad humor

Thanks apple2.

(in reply to apple2)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 10:50:00 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		And it is important to talk about your relationships, the hows and whys of the choices that you made to be in those relationships as part of the process.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to apple2)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 12:38:20 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		I wasn't in BDSM when I went through the 12 step program. I was already married. Advice is get a good year at least of recovery under your belt before commiting to a relatioship. There is a lot of change within a person going through 12 step and finding new ways to handle life with your addiction takes a lot of time.

oceanwynds

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 6:11:51 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Ah... you're trying to master an addiction, and creating an exception in your commitment. You know where that goes, right? If you want me to break my anonymity, I'll be totally happy to spend some time yelling at you on the phone, even if you are in Oz. Get with your program. There is time for all that later.

(in reply to crazysubgirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 2/17/2009 6:23:54 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i don't generally offer advice, but if You want my opinion You can have it. Somehow i made peace with myself regarding the fact that i can remain rigorously honest with my sponsor while not disclosing 100% of the information. i can share of my struggles within my relationship, and not have to tell her He's my Master...i like Apple2's suggestion. i wish they had something like that in my area. i've been around for a few 24 hours, so if You want to talk my box is open.

Kali


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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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Profile   Post #: 20
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