yours2command
Posts: 33
Joined: 9/3/2005
From: kent / london
Status: offline
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As a result of the neglect/abuse that i got in my 24/7 slavery i ended up back in major addiction which introduced me to NA. i spent the first ten months of recovery still living as a full time slave and it gave me many problems.
Whilst i fully appreciate the advice i was given about not being in a relationship for the first year of recovery and also i did have a sponsor who was very vanilla.
Basically i had major confusion and when i was talking to him over the phone in the dungeon and the mistress heard me she came in and poured my bowl of tea over my head and started battering round the head with my dog bowl. it was a bit surreal sometimes and also when she put ten needles in my mouth at a club i went into a mad space cos my owner dont whip me any more. Needless to say it became very difficult and i have been blessed with a totally appropriate sponsor as a result of just not picking up no matter what.
I am not one that can do sensible things like after a year get a plant, if that lives get a cat and if that lives get in a relationship.
i have the sponsor that my higher power put on my path and he would basically make clear to me that i should not settle for second best, he really helped me get my power back from my former owner and that actually meant being homeless and then living 3.5 months in a crack house that the authorites put me in. that was hard work but the programme, my sponsor and the people in it carried me, i had to let S&M go for a few months to get through this shit but i also get gifts from my higher power now and again which is a little play time here and there.
I am now in a fantastic home, feel very safe and secure in my pervery and fully appreciated for being open and honest with my sponsor. as a result of being totally open with him i am much more empowered when it comes to deal with things and having done 24/7 and recovery at the same time i have to say a lot of transference takes place.
many of my new feelings or old ones of insecurity all become the fault of the Domme, why is she making me do this, if she would only connect with me i know i would be really happy, why doesnt she want me to be happy. All of this can become very problematic and the biggest one is that however much i didnt set out to make her my higher power she became it, then when she didnt want to play or i was listening to her play with others then basically i was on a sea of confusion and despondency as my higher power had abandoned me.
i can not be an owned slave as my higher power wants me free to be what it wants for me but when that collar goes on i can be puppy or a slave but keep a balance with the real world.
Please bare in mind i am sharing this from my experience and that is my path, so your will be different but should you ever feel that you want to have a sounding board then please feel free as i know that i have to ignore my ideas until i run them past my sponsor who was the abuser in a S&M relationship, he is also a pansexual switch and little school girl and a kinbaku teacher who has three sub females and one fem slave
i did this for real and when i was locked in the dungeon and the mistress came down to tell me that there was a car outside and that i was going to a treatment centre she locked my collar on my neck as i couldnt face this on my own, i turned up in full fetish gear at a private treatment centre in the country, leather tee shirt, leather shorts, collar, cuffs and body harness with my tail. thats what i needed to feel safe and seven nights after i was at the point of attaching my lead to somewhere to top myself.
two years next week and i am living and enjoying life today as opposed to existing and enduring it.
< Message edited by yours2command -- 2/28/2009 6:48:57 AM >
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RE: BDSM & 12 step programs - 
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