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High Expectations - 1/18/2006 5:21:24 PM

aurora31

Posts: 266
Joined: 8/18/2005
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I am starting to wonder if my expectations for what I am looking for in a Dom/Master are to high. I want it all my best friend, lover, soul mate. I am looking for a 24/7 live in relationship. And I feel that it is very improtant that we share similar intrests, have common views and values. To Share simlar dreams and goals for the future. Since I am a singel parent I think we should share similar parenting styles. Share similar views and intrests lifestyle wise. I could go on and on.

My question is am I setting my expectations for what I want in Dom/Master so high that no one will ever meet them?

E.G. I have been talking with a couple for sometime now. We share much in common and he truely excits me and a strong bond of trust and respect is starting to form. BUT....I would not be able to live in the same household as them due to his unmentionable, some of the things I enjoy most play wise are not big on his list and things he enjoys are not big on my list, and we seam to have somewhat dif parenting styles. Yet on all other levels we are so compatable. I seam to get along with his slave quite well. And we all share similar intrests and goals for the future.

Am I limiting myself to much? Should I compermise on some of these issues? Or should I stick to my guns and keep looking? If I compermise what areas are deal breakers what areas are open to negotation.

I gave a pretty specific example, but I would like to hear other peoples opinions in genral. What things do you feel are must haves in a D/s relationship. what areas would you be willing to compermise on. I am very interested in everyones points of view on this. And yes I do realize in the end I have to decide what is imprtant to me and no one can decide that for me.

aurora

Post #: 1

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 5:34:24 PM

typesgirl

Posts: 102
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline

Hi Aurora. I think you're smart to evaluate what is really important to you especially since you're a parent. I'll also add that I know it's hard when you just really want to find someone to be special to.
Here's my advice for what it's worth:
Make a list of things you will not bend about. I think parenting style is one of those things especially if his is much different than yours. Your child is yours alone and you can't compromise being the best parent you can be even if it means never finding someone.

Don't rush. if you have any doubts at all let those be flags for you and wait until you've resolved the issues or find someone else. I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone and sometimes you have to stop looking for it to happen.

Lastly, be confident about your needs and wants and know that if you believe in yourself you'll be more attractive to any man whether he's a Dom or vanilla.

This is probably all common sense and I probably sound like a grandma or something but I really mean it. Life's too short to compromise and too long to be inflexible. You sort of have to go both ways with your happiness (and your kids) in mind.

I know you'll do what's best and be happy with the results. Good luck to you in all things.
typesgirl

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 2

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 5:35:19 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I am starting to wonder if my expectations for what I am looking for in a Dom/Master are to high. I want it all my best friend, lover, soul mate. I am looking for a 24/7 live in relationship. And I feel that it is very improtant that we share similar intrests, have common views and values. To Share simlar dreams and goals for the future. Since I am a singel parent I think we should share similar parenting styles. Share similar views and intrests lifestyle wise. I could go on and on.

In this lifestyle you need to remember to always value yourself. If you don't you will end up with someone who wants you to change. Move away from your family. Give up your children. The list can go on and on.
What you desire can be achieved. I found a person just like that for myself. Though it did take me year's to find him.
When you find someone you are compatible with learn to compromise but never compromise on what is truly important to you.

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 3

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 5:42:07 PM

DesertRat

Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline

You should stick to your guns...keep reaching for the gold ring...whatever metaphor works for you. Don't settle. You'll find the right one in due time and then you won't be asking yourself questions about logistics and specifications.

Bob

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 4

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 5:59:41 PM

IceyOne

Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline

Can only reinforce what has already been said. There are some things that you CAN compromise on, but parenting is not one; especially if you yourself have children. If nothing else, you have made a good friend in him; let him know your doubts, and your reasons for them.

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 5

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 6:03:46 PM

SilverK

Posts: 88
Joined: 7/26/2004
Status: offline

Short answer?

No, you are not setting your sights too high.

Wanting someone that you are compatible with is certainly not unreasonable - it's just harder to find.

Look at it this way - if you were willing to take anyone at all, finding someone would be simple. As soon as you put on even a single restriction you narrow the field. Putting in enough restrictions to have a workable situation is necessary if you want anything other than a quick roll in bed.

A proper Master looking for a girl should also have standards - and (I think) shouldn't have foolish or stupid ones either.

Take your time and don't be in a rush - the right top will come along - but quality takes time to find.

Be well and good luck,

< Message edited by SilverK -- 1/18/2006 6:04:06 PM >

_____________________________

Silver

Risk everything - or Gain nothing!
Geoffrey de Charney, 1356

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 6

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 6:15:01 PM

newflowers

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

i am going to chime with nope - you are not setting your standards and expectaions too high. if you accept less than what you want, less than what would be best for you and yours, then you are doing yourself a grave diservice.

sometimes, i seems as if we are never going to find the just the right one and the temptation is to settle - DO NOT! NEVER!!! it may take some times, even years - ask others, years is not unreasonable to find just the one who is compatible with you and your life and has the same or similar kink. it is a fact that we may kiss many frongs until we find just the right prince.

when you are thinking maybe this will okay, maybe, consider your current significant other - the crumbsnatcher - that will make you reconsider settling every time.

you already know a relationship with this person wil not work for you. you've made a friend maybe and have more insight into yourself. keep looking for what you need and want - you WILL find it.

newflowers

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 7

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 7:04:42 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

Never settle for less than what is best for you or your child(ren).

I was single for MANY years. Friends & acquaintances were constantly trying to set me up with someone or wondering why I was single. People in the core group I was involved with couldn't understand why one of the most sought after types (attractive female dominant in her 30's) was single.

It was because I made a promise to myself to not settle for anything less than what was best for me & my children. I was content to be single until the right person entered my life. It took many years. I enjoyed some aspects of dating, not everything. It was never easy to tell someone that it was not working out because often they did possess many traits I looked for, but not everything I looked for.

As I said above, it took years to find the right person, but it was well worth the wait & any heartache I had along the way. I have a wonderful loving relationship with my current partner. We have a wonderful loving family that could not be closer.

Hang in there & hold out for the right one no matter what.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 8

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 7:08:22 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

Your standards are whatever you want them to be, and it's good to have them. Does that mean the planets will align and the ideal will appear anytime soon? Most likely not. Face and accept one simple fact: the higher your standards, the longer your wait.

In the meantime, I would in fact perhaps consider compromise on some level if you hear nothing but crickets for months on end.

< Message edited by amayos -- 1/18/2006 7:16:17 PM >

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 9

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 7:31:23 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

How much experience, hands-on, face-to-face, experience do you have, Aurora31?

I ask because while your idea of having expectations is natural and very common I've also noticed a lot of folks on this board who hold for for "THE ONE".

Before you can honestly answer whether or not you have unrealistic expectations you'll need to get experience. You'll need to try out a variety of people and relationships. There is nothing wrong with playing for the sake of learning about yourself and there's nothing wrong with slowly trying out various relationships.

I, myself, do happen to be very choosy but I've never limited myself to searching for that ONE kinky partner or life partner. I allowed myself to try out different people who seemed to fit many of my criteria and desires. The simple fact is that I have never personally met anyone who found someone who was 100% compatible with their ideal. Sometimes the things that aren't part of our original ideal turn out to be great while others things we thought would be great aren't.

There's no need to jump right into a 24/7 and honestly given modern legal and social conditions not much to force two people stay in that 24/7 if it just won't work out. In other words, just because you start a relationship doesn't mean it must be forever -- its nice if that works out.

So my advice, which may clash with a lot of others, is to try it out. See how it goes. Try out some face-to-face sessions and start getting involved with this man you've talked to beyond the just talking stage. You can negotiation a time limit and frankly I'd suggest not jumping into 24/7 -- try a weekend here and there, try an afternoon or a an evening or two. Get to know each other beyond the talking and then evaluate things after a while.

Or you can jump in whole hog as they saw and then sink or swim.

Its up to you but either why by advice is to try it at least once if you've been talking for sometime and feel you are at the point to make some decision.

And please, don't let someone else talk you into getting more involved than you are comfortable. In my opinion, a dominant of quality understands the value of going slow but steadily into things.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 10

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 7:41:47 PM

fergus

Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

People are not ideals.

No matter how much we want them to be. Should you settle for this Dom or that? No.

You should look for a person. He will have WONDERFUL traits. He will have DEEP flaws. He will never be like a picture in your head, but a person. Moreover, a person containing all the basic human dignity that we all have.

You will find such a person if you look at them and not a picture in your mind.

If he is the right person, you will recognize each other's basic human dignity. You will find each others 'flaws' endearing and love each other BECAUSE of them rather than in spite of them. Sub? Dom? Fat? Thin? Rich? Poor? All factors of what you may be looking for. And all will never be exactly what you are looking for. But if you can see each other's basic human dignity and respect each other on that level ... all else will grow together.

fergus

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 11

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 7:46:31 PM

aurora31

Posts: 266
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline

TammyJo,

I do have some very limited r/t experiances. But I have lots of experiances with nilla relationships and I feel that alot of the same principles apply for finding some one you compatable with.

As far as meeting for weekend here or there that is dificult since we are close to 700 miles apart. I will get to meet then both in march as they will be traveling to where I am at for a hunting trip.

I would hate to uproot my daughter and move that far from my friends and faimily for something that was not going to be forever. Or at least the intent of forever

aurora

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 12

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 8:47:58 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

I suggest you listen to STAND BY YOUR MAN, by Tammy Wynette

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065724/soundtrack

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 13

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 8:53:24 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

If you keep this up, I'm going to ask you to autograph my old copy of Eric Fromm's THE ART OF LOVING.

http://www.alibris.com/search/detail.cfm?chunk=25&mtype=&qauth=eric%20fromm&S=R&bid=8679999953&pbest=&pqtynew=&page=1&matches=20&qsort=r

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 14

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 11:01:31 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

a few things come to mind when i read your post:

not compromising on differring parenting styles. Um, my parents and grandfather raised me, they all 3 had vastly differring parenting skills and deficits. I learned to interact successfully with 3 separate individuals from this. I think it is common to have a set of parents with differrent styles, which is why if mum says no and dad says no, grandad could always be relied upon to say yes lol.
Regardless of what you become to this couple, they are not your childs parents. You are. They do not consent to whatever? they cannot, their welfare will be you responsibility and yours alone. Not some new Master's of Dom's. Besides which, i dont see many Dom's advertising to be a daddy, well, not in this respect.

Also you state being 700 apart as a reason you cannot 'suck and see' for a while. That sounds bizarre to me. You are willing to uproot your daughter without having sucked it and seen for yourself that things are truly what they seem first?
Personally, id want a whole heap of time with a partner before they got anywhere near my kids. So find a way to expose yourself to this new relationship, before you move in with your daughter.

Compromising is not something you should ever do regarding issues that count. And spending time to distinguish what your base line of acceptable is, is a worthwhile investment for you and yours in the long run.

I was told not to compromise, as you are being told.

personally, playing second fiddle in some allready established relationship, is not what i desire. I want to be THE one. The ONLY one -ever! I will not share myself, or the man that i choose. That seemed to be a bit of a tall order for most Dom/mes when i was seeking. But, To thy own self be true.

I wish you luck and strength to not settle for anything less than THE best. For you, and for your daughter.

little1

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 15

RE: High Expectations - 1/18/2006 11:14:52 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Personally, id want a whole heap of time with a partner before they got anywhere near my kids. So find a way to expose yourself to this new relationship, before you move in with your daughter.

This is also true for me. I don't have a big difficulty in suggesting aurora31 go visit a few times and see how things go, but I suggest extreme caution before unmentionables get involved in the relationship, as their safety and well-being ought to be Aurora's priority in my opinion. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 16

RE: High Expectations - 1/19/2006 12:10:57 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

The heart wants what it wants.

Take your time and fine a real match, not just a perceptual one.

Don't sell yourself cheaply; You're all you've got.

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 17

RE: High Expectations - 1/19/2006 4:55:08 AM

aurora31

Posts: 266
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline

Petruchio,

Your words ring true to me and reminds me of some very wise words of advice I was given by some one who I greatly respect. "Cheaply given, Cheaply valued".

As for those who have raised concerns about my unmentionable this is something that is always weighing heavily on my mind. I am not considering moving anytime soon that is something that would still be sevral months off. And yes at first I would be maintaining my own place. But eventually I would be living in their house and thru default they would take on the role of parenting so to speak. I am a package deal...when a Dom/Master takes on the responsiblity of owning me he will also take on the responsiblity of helping me to raise her.

But I feel like I am waisting his time especailly the more I think about the living situation...it would be a couple of yrs at a minum before I would live under his roof. I am concerened about the feelings of jelously that are sure to arise knowing that it would be a rare night that I get to spend a whole night with them. To be able to just lay there and hold each other all night. these are things that I want in a relationship. And knowing that his current slave would have these privlages.

aurora

< Message edited by aurora31 -- 1/19/2006 5:01:45 AM >

(in reply to Petruchio)

Post #: 18

RE: High Expectations - 1/19/2006 5:57:26 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Aw cmon, everyone knows the path to true happiness is to give up what you really want, really need and compromise your personal values just for the sake of being in a relationship with someone.

That always gives a happily ever after ending doesn't it?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 19

RE: High Expectations - 1/19/2006 5:59:12 AM

passionfirenmo

Posts: 38
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline

Fergus,
This is the best advice I have seen yet,,Very pure thoughts.
Thanks for the insight.

Have fun stay well,
passion

quote:

ORIGINAL: fergus

People are not ideals.

No matter how much we want them to be. Should you settle for this Dom or that? No.

You should look for a person. He will have WONDERFUL traits. He will have DEEP flaws. He will never be like a picture in your head, but a person. Moreover, a person containing all the basic human dignity that we all have.

You will find such a person if you look at them and not a picture in your mind.

If he is the right person, you will recognize each other's basic human dignity. You will find each others 'flaws' endearing and love each other BECAUSE of them rather than in spite of them. Sub? Dom? Fat? Thin? Rich? Poor? All factors of what you may be looking for. And all will never be exactly what you are looking for. But if you can see each other's basic human dignity and respect each other on that level ... all else will grow together.

fergus

(in reply to fergus)

Post #: 20

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