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Advice for a new girl - 2/19/2009 9:24:47 PM

MMagic

Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline

Ok so I've only been here going on my second week and am not sure how all of this works or how I should make it work I should say.

I've met 3 doms here I've developed an affinity for and could possibly see myself taking it further. One is very nearby, the other two quite a distance away. At this juncture I can't really travel to the UK to meet one of them, work will completely not allow that, unless I'm traveling there for work.

The other two are here in the states, and one right here in my city. While some here seem to think the Doms are made of stone, I don't want to hurt anyone or rub anyone the wrong way or...whatever. When asked I've been honest with everyone even the other doms who've been nice enough to talk to me, in letting them know I do have some Doms I'm interested in pursuing something further with these 3 men. So advice..how does all of this work? How soon is too soon to meet someone? Should I be holding back a little? This is a rather rushed post so know that I may have left out some of the facts when you respond with advice. Yes I'm aware that some parts of the decision will be based on what I, myself want, but I'm hoping some of you will be able to get my brain going again. Right now Im thinking with other parts, lol. And I can't think clearly enough to decide what the hell I should do. Thanks in advance.

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West

Post #: 1

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/19/2009 9:48:33 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

If I had any good advice, it would be to make sure you meet in a very public place and talk as much as possible to learn about them before you meet. I don't think there is a perfect amount of time. Just take precautions to be public and you should be ok.

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 2

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/19/2009 10:00:25 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

meet when you feel comfortable. take reasonable precautions when meeting. as long as you're being honest with all involved, great! But if, when you meet, you find that they aren't suitable for some reason.. be sure to let them know sooner than later (a simple "I'm sorry, but I dont think we're compatible" or similar is all you really need to say).

Remember that you are under no obligation to any of these men. Your ONLY obligation is to yourself. Don't let anyone try to push you beyond your comfort level when planning to meet.

Good luck!

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)

Post #: 3

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 3:08:11 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I'm confused; why *3* doms at once....? This is how you dated in your vanilla relationships? And assuming each dom knows about the others, seems to me they maybe not as interested in you the individual so much as you, "available newbie meat"....

You also seem to have a bit of sub frenzy happening (thinking NOT with your brain) when it seems rather obvious to me that the place to start is with the local dom and see what happens. It will also probably help lessen your undoubted email/communication load that balancing 3 doms at once must surely create. From there, follow the usual tips in meeting strangers; usually a coffee shop in the local mall gets you a level of security but with privacy to chat. And trust your instincts about strangers - if he gives you the urge to bolt, I'd suggest you do so asap and no "beg pardons"....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 4

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 5:09:57 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Since you can't go to the UK, I think you can eliminate that one. Trust me, he won't be broken-hearted. If he's game, you can be "friends", if you've established that kind of friendship yet, and you can still email and chat. But if there's a definite roadblock to anything coming of it, then just strike it from the ballot.

Since one is in your same town (which happens soooo rarely!), meet him for coffee the first time, and see how that goes. If that works out and you're both attracted to each other, then have dinner. Don't start "playing" until you've reached that comfort level. If your gut won't let you get to that level, then listen to it and move on.

As far as the third guy, well....long distance relationships are hard, but if the local guy doesn't work out, and you want to persue this one, then you're limited to online and phone communication until one of you can travel to meet the other. Once again, that's a comfort-level thing.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 5

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 6:17:18 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

LOL wow.. I must be wired weird. When I was dating, it could be 1 man, or more that I would spend time with. I went dancing with some, surfing with others, ect. It wasn't until I decided who I liked enough to get intimate with, that I decided there was only room for one in my life.
It seems odd to me to focus on one so quickly.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I'm confused; why *3* doms at once....? This is how you dated in your vanilla relationships? And assuming each dom knows about the others, seems to me they maybe not as interested in you the individual so much as you, "available newbie meat"....

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 6

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 7:35:13 AM

clearlightblack

Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline

IMHO, I don't think talking to *3* Doms is bad. I mean I am sure there are lots of them who feel that once they say "hello" to a girl they must become the center of that girl's world.

I have found when I've done that, Doms or rather the wannabes I have found them to be, become flaky and you've given all this time and energy and he's a dud.

I talk to several people and like Missokyst said its until I figure out which one I wish to become intimate with before I decide to cast everyone aside.

edited to make sure there was no confusion......dude's are cool.....duds are not....

< Message edited by clearlightblack -- 2/20/2009 7:39:47 AM >

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 7

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 8:28:52 AM

MarksFantasyGirl

Posts: 3660
Joined: 10/13/2005
Status: offline

Like others have said, Only meet when YOU are comfotable. Not when they TELL you to. I have met a couple people in real life that I have been talking to online. One, it took me 6 years to get to that comfort level. I was still nervous. I took a 5 hour train ride to meet Him. But I took a friend with me. I suggest having someone with you that you can feel comfortable about talking to. I know that if I would have been alone, I never would have been able to do it. I was way nervous anyways, but having a friend with me, to talk to me, and tell me that I was ok, deffinately helped. (The fact that she is tough as nails, and would kick some ass if I needed her to helped too! lol) But only do it when you are ready.

As for talking to three people at once, who cares? I mean, sheesh! Ok, think about it. When you were looking for any kind of relationships in the past, do you only focus on one guy? Do you put all your energy into that one?? That makes you sound obsessed! I seriously think that you should talk to as many people as possible at first, and narrow it down. What's it going to hurt? You might find some great friends along the way. Besides, if a Dom is telling you that you can't talk to other men at this early stage, isn't that a red flag, and you should stay away from them?? I hope that helped, and didn't just confuse you more. lol

_____________________________

--Fannie
AKA Savage's Fantasy
AKA Girl Dave
AKA Resident Flirt
AKA Sexy Hawt Woman

~*~Happily and proudly collared by my best friend~*~

Quitcher bitchen, and get out of the kitchen! ~Harry {3rdRock}

(in reply to clearlightblack)

Post #: 8

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 8:43:49 AM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

All of the above is good advice. Be realistic and understand that the long-distance relationships (defined as anything more than about an hour's drive) usually don't work out. Sometimes they do, but they lack the constant contact needed in this life. Also realize that when it comes down to real meetings, a significant number of both Doms and subs don't show up. While you might be chatting with 3, don't be surprised if 2 are ethereal when the time comes.

Your best bet is to set up a meeting with your local man. I am sure there is a Starbucks or McDonald's close to you, so show up there and have a coffee with him to see if you click. When you do that depends on how comfortable you feel based on your e-mail or phone exchanges.

(in reply to MarksFantasyGirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 8:46:01 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I don't think talking to 3 at once is bad. I talked to more than 3, but when i met Master that was it he was my one. If you think you can deal weth a LD relantinship i would talk to the guy in the UK(i think that would be very hard since you can't go see him) you might want to pass on him though. The guy in your town you should meet it is rare for that to happen. No spark with him try for the guy who lives a little further away. When you should meet, well that depnds on you. I met Master after 2 months. We wouldh ave met sooner, but we spoke ffor the first time around the holidays and was a crazy time. Master happens to live in my township not the exact town.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to MarksFantasyGirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 9:05:39 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It works the same way it did before you called it "kink." Get to know people, if it works, then keep getting to know them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 11

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 10:33:08 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

LOL wow.. I must be wired weird. When I was dating, it could be 1 man, or more that I would spend time with. I went dancing with some, surfing with others, ect. It wasn't until I decided who I liked enough to get intimate with, that I decided there was only room for one in my life.
It seems odd to me to focus on one so quickly.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I'm confused; why *3* doms at once....? This is how you dated in your vanilla relationships? And assuming each dom knows about the others, seems to me they maybe not as interested in you the individual so much as you, "available newbie meat"....

Lol, and I never put myself in a position of being one of those male drones hoping to be the chosen one of the apparent many. Date as many as you like, I s'pose, but I can't help thinking that if you're honest and up-front about these multiple liasons, then I wouldn't be the only one removing myself from the *contest*. Some of us males are burdened with pride, standards and self respect, too, don'tchaknow....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 12

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 10:48:51 AM

dualityinmotion

Posts: 18
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline

my ego is flattered if i have more than one man interested at any time, but i'm not really able to spend a lot of time conversing with many people. Usually conversations let me know pretty quickly whether there is real potential with someone. Then, once in a while, someone comes along who just knocks your socks off, in conversation, and you may find you have lost interest in others. That's the one you want to meet. Geography can be a pain, but listen to your "gut" instincts based on intelligent conversation. You'll know which way to go and when.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 13

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 11:41:20 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

That is really up to you. Nobody else can answer that.

I meet with in a few hours to a few weeks, depending on how interested I am, and how well we clicked online. You may find that to soon.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MMagic

Ok so I've only been here going on my second week and am not sure how all of this works or how I should make it work I should say.

I've met 3 doms here I've developed an affinity for and could possibly see myself taking it further. One is very nearby, the other two quite a distance away. At this juncture I can't really travel to the UK to meet one of them, work will completely not allow that, unless I'm traveling there for work.

The other two are here in the states, and one right here in my city. While some here seem to think the Doms are made of stone, I don't want to hurt anyone or rub anyone the wrong way or...whatever. When asked I've been honest with everyone even the other doms who've been nice enough to talk to me, in letting them know I do have some Doms I'm interested in pursuing something further with these 3 men. So advice..how does all of this work? How soon is too soon to meet someone? Should I be holding back a little? This is a rather rushed post so know that I may have left out some of the facts when you respond with advice. Yes I'm aware that some parts of the decision will be based on what I, myself want, but I'm hoping some of you will be able to get my brain going again. Right now Im thinking with other parts, lol. And I can't think clearly enough to decide what the hell I should do. Thanks in advance.

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 14

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 3:40:30 PM

atypicalsub

Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline

Less than a year ago I was right where you are now.

As far as communicating with several at once, definately do! It seems silly to me if someone would expect you to be exclusive to them when you haven't even met! As long as you are being honest with everyone I don't see any problem. If one of the doms said you shouldn't be talking to anyone else I would consider that a red flag against getting serious with him.

How soon is entirely a judgment call. Talk to each of them online and over the phone. Get to know as much as you can about them. Then each of them when you feel comfortable with him. The more you talk to someone the easier it should be to gauge if you feel safe and comfortable with him as well as if your interests are going to be compatible in exploring together. Be safe. Meet in public. Make sure you have a safety call, someone who knows where you went and who you went to meet. Let them *know* you have a safety call and that someone will be looking for you if you are gone more than a couple hours. If doing that makes them back away then you probably would not have been safe alone with them!

_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 15

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/20/2009 4:15:18 PM

ISOHOH49

Posts: 28
Joined: 10/20/2007
Status: offline

I see nothing wrong with talking to more than one Dom at the same time. When I first started my search I would only talk to one Dom at a time, only to find out that I had wasted my time with him and maybe missed out on someone else. As long as you are up front with everyone, there is nothing wrong and most Dom will understand this. It takes time to fine that right person. As for meeting, I think the sooner the better. The reason that I say this is because a woman can tell from one meeting if she want to even try to have a relationship with a guy.

The Dom in the same city you could meet for coffee, but when you set the meeting up let him know that you only have 2 hours, than you have to leave to make an appt. That way if you meet and you do not feel that this is going anwhere you are only going to be there for a short period of time. But if you like him and want the meeting to go on you can say I'm enjoying myself so much that I don't think I will be going to my appt.

The one on the other city, will that will take more time.

But at some point you will need to decide who you want to give all of your effort to.

Good luck and I hope that everything work out.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 16

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/21/2009 12:31:56 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Your vanilla dating skills aren't thrown out the window just because you've found that you're kinky. How soon would be too soon to meet a vanilla guy? Under what conditions would you meet him, having met first on the net?

There are some small differences, like instead of going on more "vanilla" dates after your first few public meetings, you'll head to a group's party/social space and perhaps negotiate a scene.

Bottom line is: trust your gut about people...and don't do ANYthing you're not ready for. Keep you head...realize that what we do can put you in some vulnerable positions, so don't do it if you feel at ALL uncomfortable.

Do a search for safe calls. You'll find they're like glorified "Call me in the middle of my blind date so I can get out of there if he's creepy" calls you have friends make. You also set up codes that gives you a way to say "help" without saying help.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 17

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/21/2009 11:10:53 AM

MMagic

Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline

I have been honest with all involved. And I must say I'm a little wierded out by the prospect of having to just pick one and focus on him without having talked to anyone else.
As a reasonably intelligent woman, it would be stupid of me to do so and while I understand Doms have the whole "pride" issue, we live in the real world. It cannot be expected of a woman to not get to know people she's talking to, to make sure that she clicks and the person isn't nuts.

Sorry but I can't agree with you there. I'd like to NOT end up on the back of a milk carton thank you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

LOL wow.. I must be wired weird. When I was dating, it could be 1 man, or more that I would spend time with. I went dancing with some, surfing with others, ect. It wasn't until I decided who I liked enough to get intimate with, that I decided there was only room for one in my life.
It seems odd to me to focus on one so quickly.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I'm confused; why *3* doms at once....? This is how you dated in your vanilla relationships? And assuming each dom knows about the others, seems to me they maybe not as interested in you the individual so much as you, "available newbie meat"....

Lol, and I never put myself in a position of being one of those male drones hoping to be the chosen one of the apparent many. Date as many as you like, I s'pose, but I can't help thinking that if you're honest and up-front about these multiple liasons, then I wouldn't be the only one removing myself from the *contest*. Some of us males are burdened with pride, standards and self respect, too, don'tchaknow....

Focus.

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 18

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/21/2009 11:18:46 AM

MMagic

Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline

Oh and btw, thanks all for the good advice, I'm taking it all in and am due to meet for coffee this week with the one in town. I have gravitated toward him more because he's made me feel the most safe and comfortable and he makes me laugh.

I have the safe call set up already and to the one who said she had the friend that's ready to kick ass, well, I'm dangerous all on my own, lol! Only submissive because I wanna be if you follow me, ;)

Anyway thanks so much all and wish me luck!

Mag

PS I'm not going to coffee because I misconstrued advice given here. I'm going because I'd like to meet the person who has my tummy all a flutter at this point, lol.

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 19

RE: Advice for a new girl - 2/21/2009 11:28:31 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline

Okay can I be honest with you?..well ok I don't really care whether you say yes or no ..you get my opinion anyway :P
Surely I may be wrong and all that but ...erm..you say you've been here for two weeks and already met 3 doms that you really really really like? I honestly find that a PHENOMINAL success in only 2 weeks. I'd advice you to be careful and should you hold something back? Yes I believe you should hold some things back before you've gotten to know them really well (preferrably met them in real life)
I agree with what's been said on here..just 'cause you're kinky doesn't mean you're supposed to stop thinking like a vanilla. You take the normal caution when meeting in r/l as well as when giving personal information online (especially details!).
My recipe for deciding on what you should do would be: using a slight amount of heart, a considerable amount of mind and a few of tons of logic.

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 20

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