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warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:13:31 AM

wildchild62

Posts: 7
Joined: 2/23/2008
Status: offline

ok, here is my question. i took an online collar from someone with the intent of going real time as soon as i could arrange it, however there have been some warning bells and i am not sure if they are real or imagined. i was expected by this Master to sit online regardless of if He was there or not or even if Aanyone was in the room He is in. i would message Him and get no replies. He had put me on a schedule and at first it was working but then it failed due to my circadian rythyms, i told Him i would try to restructure and got the response 'you do that and let Me know how it goes".... THAT was the last time He said anything to me although He has my cell and yahoo IDs. i got punished by Him for talking with another Dominant i have known for 5yrs on the phone cuz this Friend was telling me He thought i was making a mistake...i sat here all Valentine's weekend and heard nothing from Him, not even knowing where He was or anything...i know He is Master and i am slave but where does Oone start saying ok enough....i am NOT a doormat and dont think i should be expected to behave as one

Post #: 1

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:19:19 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Not being a doormat... I think you already know the answer's to this. The guy is a player... he got you to sit where he knew you would be while he did what? You are not a doormat... so don't act like one. He has made himself clear... now make yourself clear. Expect more... don't rush in where even naughty angels (don't) dare to tread and find someone worth all you are trying to give. A man of his word is much easier to serve.

Edit to add (don't) lol

< Message edited by Lockit -- 2/23/2009 11:41:26 AM >

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 2

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:27:40 AM

SpinnerofTales

Posts: 1586
Joined: 5/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wildchild62

ok, here is my question. i took an online collar from someone with the intent of going real time as soon as i could arrange it, however there have been some warning bells and i am not sure if they are real or imagined. i was expected by this Master to sit online regardless of if He was there or not or even if Aanyone was in the room He is in. i would message Him and get no replies. He had put me on a schedule and at first it was working but then it failed due to my circadian rythyms, i told Him i would try to restructure and got the response 'you do that and let Me know how it goes".... THAT was the last time He said anything to me although He has my cell and yahoo IDs. i got punished by Him for talking with another Dominant i have known for 5yrs on the phone cuz this Friend was telling me He thought i was making a mistake...i sat here all Valentine's weekend and heard nothing from Him, not even knowing where He was or anything...i know He is Master and i am slave but where does Oone start saying ok enough....i am NOT a doormat and dont think i should be expected to behave as one

Ok....let me first tell you that you are NOT making this up, nor are you imagining this. This guy is trouble and it's glowing off him like neon.

1) A decent Master will NOT put you on a schedule that could affect your health and well being without closely monitoring the effects of it and making such changes as are necessary to keep his sub/slave safe. If he can't be trusted to care for your well being online, how wise do you think it would be to allow him to be in charge of it in real time?

2) A decent Master does NOT isolate his sub/slave from friends, family etc. That isolation is a classic first move of the abuser. They cut their partner off from any support system of family, friends, etc and then, when their partner is all alone, they can do what they want without fear of interference. And again, if he is doing this to you over the net, what do you think he's going to think of your outside relationships in real time?

3) A decent Master does NOT disappear on a sub/slave without a word. I have never been much of one for denial of contact, but I have seen it done in manners not harmful to a person. "I will talk to you in x amount of time and I want you to do some thinking in that time" is far different than the underlying message that "if you make me displeased, whether intentionally or unintentionally, whether out of willfulness or necessity, I am going to poof and leave you alone". Do you really want to put yourself in a real life position where this guy could either disappear on you for an indeterminate period or decide to throw you out without so much as a word of why?

You say you are not a doormat. Well this guy you described is looking for a doormat..and if you progress with him you will become one.

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 3

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:35:28 AM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

This just screams "player" to me....

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to SpinnerofTales)

Post #: 4

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:44:17 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

like any other relationship, i think things take time...and time is of course relative.

with meeting P/people online the same care should be give if meeting face to face. P/people r so quick to "claim" or "be claimed" for the sake of the Lifestyle. set ur own rules/guidelines for having online relationships. know what u can and cannot do realistically and express that. if u encounter a Dom that is not understanding that, perhaps u will need to move on.

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 5

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:45:24 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

Get a life and block him.
"I learn by going where I have to go." ~~ Theodore Roethke from "The Waking"

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 6

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:46:13 AM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

I don't understand the concept of "on-line collar" since there is very little a Master needs to invest in an on-line relationship, yet you are willing to do his bidding. That is likely mistake number one. Unless there is something that YOU are getting out of this relationship, and I hesitate to call any on-line only experience a relationship, then he is just playing with you and you are letting him get away with it. Player is a valid description.

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 7

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:49:21 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Next time don't commit to someone you haven't met. He was busy with his wife for Valentine's Day, and no she doesn't know about you.

Meet first, see if there's chemistry. Date, talk about your lives, see if his word is his bond, if he has good judgment or if he's living in his mother's basement. The same rules apply here as to dating anywhere else.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to VeryNastyDom)

Post #: 8

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:50:59 AM

phoenixrising43

Posts: 51
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

Sadly he is playing a juvenile game. And it is very possible he may have been busy Valentine's weekend with the wife or gf. Do you have his home number or cell number and can you call him? And if you can, can you call him during non-working or non business travel hours or days?

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 9

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 11:52:41 AM

Rainfire

Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline

OP, first welcome to the CM forums, I hope your experience here is fun and educational for you.

Secondly, as someone familiar with the chat rooms, uh, I have to agree that you're being played. I'd suggest moving on with your life, there are some nice, REAL people out there willing to meet and go from there. Unfortunately, there are a lot of players and jerks out there online who don't care about your feelings, just that they get their kicks. You can also meet some nice people and just be friends.

Move on and be wiser, more careful. It happens, what matters is what you do with this experience and how it affects you. Growth and knowledge can be good...

Good luck.

_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 10

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 12:06:49 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

one example of a difference.

the Man i am currently involved with i have spoken too for about a year. we recently met, and had a lovely time. over the past year, he knew i was struggling to let another relationship go, knew i was still seeing this man. he would often tel me how upset he was that this was continuing, that he wasnt pleased. but never did he give me the silent treatment over it, never once did he belittle me, never once has he attempted to tell me who i could or could not speak too. he has often expressed a desire to collar me on line first, followed by an off line. he also knows my skittish nature and the pain of my past. so, when i asked that the on line wait, he was in agreement.

when a Man truly wants you, they will wait when the requests you make are reasonable and they have nothing to hide or fear. you got played at a bad time of year. wait till the right one comes along.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 1:25:59 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Hi cutie, I love your pic!

This will be brief and blunt but I say it with sincere concern for you, so please take it to heart:

Block this loser and don't have any further communication with him, or anyone like him. Turn on your "jerk" detector.

Do whatever you need to do, to get some self-esteem so that you will value yourself too much to let yourself be treated badly in the future.

In the future don't settle for anything less than a reciprocal relationship. One in which you get as much as you give.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 12

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 2:12:45 PM

frazzle121

Posts: 116
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

FR

You cannot be collared by a stranger, ie someone you have never met. its online fantasy.

What is he going to do if you do something wrong, get you to spank yourself!!!

As others have said, if he gets upset and stops talking just because you are talking to long term friends, do you really want him in your life??

Step back from the computer, and ask yourself would you put up with this if it didnt have the heading BDSM. Id guess the answer would be Hell No.

This is no different, we dont put common sense in the station locker as we enter here, well we try not too lol

editted again for typing having gone to hell and back

< Message edited by frazzle121 -- 2/23/2009 2:14:27 PM >

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 13

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 3:09:43 PM

InTonguesslave

Posts: 342
Joined: 2/6/2009
Status: offline

the trouble is this guy has filled up a space in you thats going to be hard to give up, but im with everyone else, you need to block him - and ill go one further and say he's almost certainly used to being blocked.

the worst thing about these people is that they clearly havent a clue what it means for a submissive to let her guard down and trust, to let the submissive process start.

take heart in the knowledge that you are not the first to have this happen to you and as you go along your way youll get a feel for all of this more and more.

some of the best advice ive ever got from here is that with every decision you make take full responsibility for it. in that way you dont need to feel bad about this, you chose to give this guy a go and it hasnt panned. chalk it up and move on. believe me, in no time youll be over him. just go back to your life before, youre comforting routines and be very glad that this man has shown his true colours at last.

if you need a friend feel free to drop by and say hi - we all know how lonely and frustrating this 'thing' can be. otherwise, stay frosty and youll be grand.

_____________________________

aka lally

(in reply to frazzle121)

Post #: 14

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 3:17:21 PM

porcelain26

Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline

Arg. I hate guys like this. They are so adept at making us believe that they are the only one who will ever want us, blah blah blah. Whatever. It's a bunch of crap.

If he doesn't care enough to acknowledge you, then why bother caring enough to do a darn thing he says. There is a lot more to being a Master than simply directing someone to do something. If he can't care for your emotional, physical, and mental self all together, then he can't care for you at all. You can't meet one need and ignore the rest and have everything work out.

If you're worried that these are red flags, then they are. Don't ignore your intuition. If you're gut says this is wrong, then it is.

(in reply to InTonguesslave)

Post #: 15

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 6:37:28 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

..but your profile says you "strayed" and found "your way back"--so was this while you were straying or when you found your way back?

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 16

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 8:39:23 PM

wildchild62

Posts: 7
Joined: 2/23/2008
Status: offline

THAT is the problem, i have already run away from this guy once...and was convinced by His friend how much He cared for me even though i NEVER heard THAT from Him....i REALLY wanted this to work and thought He was the right one..but from the replies i am getting.....it appears that my gut feeling is what i should listen to ......it is just so very hard after having been doing this for 15+yrs and finding then losing then finding.......i may revert back to my old ways and just look for playmates for a while...this takes too much out of me ....thank You for answering

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 17

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 9:04:38 PM

clearlightblack

Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline

*offers great big hugs to wildchild*

I know it is hard to let go and to keep having faith. I've been through something similar in the past year. This last week said he would be here. The drive was 8 hours to my house from where he was. I waited like a fool, one last time for him to show up. He never called and he never came. I imagine I'll get a call in the next few days with some excuse, but I know it will never change. And though I know it is hard and it can take so much away from your heart and soul but take heart and believe it will get better.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will.

You shall find whom it is you seek.......it just isn't the time or the place. Good Luck!

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 18

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/23/2009 9:04:47 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wildchild62
i REALLY wanted this to work and thought He was the right one

Even though you never met in real life? If reverting back to your "old ways" includes pre-text, pre-webcam, meet-in-real ways, then yeah. Revert your ass off.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 19

RE: warning flags in an online relationship - 2/24/2009 4:02:46 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

Its like I've said before, its like fishing, if you keep getting "crappie", maybe its time to change the bait.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to wildchild62)

Post #: 20

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