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Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/24/2009 7:43:52 PM

Vendaval

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I have had a few conversations with female friends on the topic of "settling in a relationship" and remain confused to the concept.

Does this mean that the relatinship dynamics are less than desirable?
Or that the current partner(s) are not what you really want?

Is this the reason you see people "trading up" and getting trophy spouses?

Are people just being too picky and too finicky?

_____________________________

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/24/2009 7:59:44 PM

KatyLied

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Settling, to me, means making a conscious decision to be happy and content with less than what you are seeking. It can be a short-term thing or longer term. It can mean, as you stated, the relationship dynamic and/or the current partner.

I don't think people are too picky. I think that people go through situations and relationships that help crystallize what it is they are looking for. They evolve, and as this happens they discover that their bar for settling changes and their seeking becomes more narrow.

< Message edited by KatyLied -- 2/24/2009 8:00:27 PM >

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/24/2009 8:03:45 PM

Vendaval

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Thanks, katy. That makes sense, evolving through the relationship process.

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to KatyLied)

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/24/2009 8:06:44 PM

KatyLied

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People tend to look at "settling" as negative. But it isn't always the case. Sometimes circumstances dictate who we can or can't be with and we will choose to be with others, that sort of thing. Sometimes we can't have our wish relationship, but meantime we can pursue something else. People are complicated.

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/24/2009 8:22:01 PM

YoursMistress

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Miss V,

I think that the damaging part of "settling" is the message we tell ourselves about how the person we have selected is "downgraded" in our minds. If we decide that someone is "good enough", we are in a way discounting them and consciously or subconsciously starting the comparisons to those who might meet our old "bar". We are also discounting ourselves by "settling," telling ourselves that we are not deserving of someone of greater value. As soon as we devalue ourselves as subs, I think we reduce the value of the gift we give to our Dom/mes.

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/24/2009 8:50:58 PM

Maya2001

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quote:

People tend to look at "settling" as negative. But it isn't always the case.

very true....I came here looking for a D/s relationship...but serious health issues developed, which has put me on quite the emotional rollercoaster and my fears ams worrying made a mess of an attempted D/s relationship ...

so for now I am settling just for friendship and it is fitting what I need for now ...an ear, empathy, support some laughs, good wishes and prayers

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/24/2009 9:01:24 PM

DavanKael

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I consider 'settling' in a relationship to be a very negative thing. I haven't ever thought of it as that when going into a relationship but when the conception came to be the case, I realized that there was an extreme problem. I would call it more of a degradation or a devolvement of the relationship to a degree where that is the perception, thus necessitating either a change in whatever has altered the processing or a dissolution of hte relationship. I don't think that my processing of the term has anything to do with bieng too picky or finicky; I do not wish to invest more than is reaasonable in a relationship and, again, the perception of settling is a huge red flag, imo.
Davan

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/24/2009 9:28:27 PM

antipode

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quote:

settling in a relationship

To me it means being comfortable with what I have going, IOW not a negative connotation at all. I don't know that trading up and trophy spouses are anything to do with that. I know my trophy spouses were just a (mutually agreed) method to help further my career - the look of success, Italian sportscar, hot French blonde (this being NY) - she actually lasted longer than any of my other wives.

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 4:47:34 AM

IrishMist

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For me, it simply means that those involved have made it past the first months and are 'settling' into a routine that is comfortable for all concerned.

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 5:02:24 AM

chamberqueen

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People tend to put their own connotations on words. I don't see "settling" as always a negative thing.

A common concern for submissives, for instance, is whether they are getting all of the attention that they crave. Some Doms do not stay in daily contact and the subs can start to worry about the relationship. The rest of the dynamic may feel great - good sessions, a high level of trust, the relationship seeming to move forward, etc., but the sub "settles" for the fact that they don't get as much contact as they would like. For some that means that they learn to take it graciously and no longer take it personally, while for others it is a constant source of pain. Thus, settling is a word of comfort for the one group while it shows negativity for the other.

There are more extreme cases. In my vanilla marriage I "settled" for a man that I knew had anger issues. I felt that I was damaged goods; I'd been through a car accident that left me with a slight limp and more impending surgeries, I had low blood sugar and it seemed to annoy people when I had to eat on a certain schedule, and it left me feeling that I wasn't a good enough person to be accepted by a nice normal guy. I stuck it out for almost 15 years until the day he graphically told me how he was going to kill me. In a case like that, and subs can be caught up in the same thing, settling was a very negative thing. I allowed myself to stay in a relationship that was eroding me as a person. I've seen other subs do the same thing - to stay in a relationship that they get little to nothing from because they would rather have that than no relationship at all.

I always try to draw people out that feel that they are just settling to see how serious the condition is. Sometimes they just need to be encouraged and shown the brighter side. In other cases there are signs that they should really be out of the relationship. It is ultimately up to each person how much they are willing to settle for, and if it is as simple as only getting emails 4 days a week instead of 7 it's typically no big deal.

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 5:03:54 AM

Tslaveboy

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It could mean that they are scared and will take what comes along even if it isn't exactly what they want.

Or it could mean realizing that their standards were unrealistic. How many men between 5'11 and 6"1 (no taller or shorter) with one green eye and one brown eye are there?

Sometimes it works out better than expected. I would prefer a poly-oriented wife, but I've met women who were different than my ideal but one or two aspects of their personality more than made up for the ones I would have preferred.

(in reply to Vendaval)

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 5:15:13 AM

eyesopened

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From: Tampa, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

People tend to look at "settling" as negative. But it isn't always the case. Sometimes circumstances dictate who we can or can't be with and we will choose to be with others, that sort of thing. Sometimes we can't have our wish relationship, but meantime we can pursue something else. People are complicated.

Absolutely. And people often don't even really know what they want or need in a relationship. When I was seeking, I would see profiles with a mile-long list of criteria that I doubt any one single living individual could meet. How many criteria items can be missing before one considers it "settling"? One thing? Two things? or by percentage? Meets 10% is okay but not 12%? Yes, people are complicated.

I have always looked toward what goal do I want to reach in a relationship. At times, it was simply to gain specific experience in BDSM activities. That I chose partners who were in no way compatible with me in other areas of life, did not mean I "settled" it meant that I was meeting the goals that were discussed at the beginning. Other times, it was more for kinky friendships. Only when I was sure I was capable, willing, and stable enough to seek "The One" did I do so. I hardly consider that "trading up" nor would I ever speak of any of my relationships in such a negative light.

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 5:33:46 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

I have had a few conversations with female friends on the topic of "settling in a relationship" and remain confused to the concept.

Does this mean that the relatinship dynamics are less than desirable?
Or that the current partner(s) are not what you really want?

Is this the reason you see people "trading up" and getting trophy spouses?

Are people just being too picky and too finicky?

I *settle* for a lot of things. I don't think it's negative but realistic. I'm not going to find Utopia or perfection anywhere.

I've never had a single human relationship that was *perfect* ....whether that has been sprogs, parents, siblings, husbands,.....you name it .......it's always been a case of being able to take the good with the not so good and I'm well aware that I gell most closely with people that take MY *not so good* too. I'm never going to be anyone else's *all in all* either.

As antipode said ... I see it as being content with what you have.

I must have read the *I'm not going to settle* phrase thousands of times here on CM. Who knows what that means to each individual that types that up?. It'so easy to type and yet the majority of people *settle*in different areas......it just doesn't sound good if you say it.

My name is agirl.....and I *settle*.

agirl

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 5:44:07 AM

LATEXBABY64

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I think the term compromising for things that you would not normally compromise for for example they smoke you do not
or you drink and they do not things like that

(in reply to agirl)

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 7:40:58 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

I have had a few conversations with female friends on the topic of "settling in a relationship" and remain confused to the concept.

Does this mean that the relatinship dynamics are less than desirable?
Or that the current partner(s) are not what you really want?

Is this the reason you see people "trading up" and getting trophy spouses?

Are people just being too picky and too finicky?

As noted, settling can mean different things to different people. It can sometimes carry all those meanings within one person, just as a simple term like "blue" can carry many meanings for one individual.

When I first got divorced, I went through a spell where I was "trying on" various BDSM and D/s connotations with other submissives while enjoying the stability of my relationship with my first submissive. She was married, her husband knew about us, I wasn't going to break up their marriage and never had any intentions to and we were both new to this (she more so than I) and exploring. Because she had been involved in a open relationship with her husband before I came along, she was O.K. with her dominant exploring himself with others and welcomed the structure...something she did not have in the open marriage...we built around our D/s dynamic. I settled...not for something that wasn't perfect but rather for something that suited my needs and hers at the time and opened both our lives up. It was a good kind of settling.
Things weren't perfect when I got involved with my second submissive but I was smart enough to realize they never are and to realize I wasn't perfect either. But the attraction and the deepening feelings were there and so we settled...happily... into a great D/s and romantic relationship. It ended not because someone better or more fitting of our "perfect" dominant/submissive came along to disrupt our "settling" but because she wanted to hang onto the past and be something less than what I wanted.

I see bad settling in situations such as: having criteria that you are unlikely to find but which you think you "deserve" but because you are too "good" to let others think you can't find someone, you settle for the guy/girl who adores you so that you can have some sort of relationship while telling yourself secretly that just as soon as that "One" comes along, you are out of there. Reaching a point of desperation because each guy/girl you go out with is "wrong" this way or "wrong" that way, you grab onto that guy/girl who is always there for you because they care and you woo them. You settle into a relationship where your ego is stroked while giving little of yourself until the next Mr/Miss Perfect comes along and you are gone, leaving the one who cared damaged and by the wayside. You finally realize that you are just "too special" and so you settle for the first "more or less" acceptable candidate that comes along and you go about building a relationship that is not as real as it could be because inside yourself, you are always telling yourself that you could have-should have had better. You end up not giving yourself completely to your partner and somewhere along the line, he/she realizes it but because they love you wholeheartedly, they hang in there even though deep inside, they are unhappy.

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 12:39:28 PM

omega1955sjoy

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Greetings: I have found in this world and life that we live relationships can be somewhat testing. My last Master waited until I moved over 300 miles away to tell me that we would never live together or anything above or beyond that. Needless to say he released back into the wild 5 months after moving to be with him and now I am still here. That said I have a new Master now that lives back home and he wants the same things I want we are both older now and were able to retire young enough to enjoy life. The house is paid off. And we can travel if given the chance so God willing this D/s works out for the best and we can evolve into a TPE 24/7. I can go home where we can be happy together. I guess what I am saying here is it's the mindset of the involved whether they are committment minded or not. I don't honestly know if marriage is in our future because that scares the hell out of me but you can have just as much knowing that your totally committed to that one certain person and in my case and most of the females cases on here enslaved by our "one". I will love, and cherish him just the same with or without a piece of paper to prove it. Believe what everyone else has said here just hang in there and share your love deeply and strongly because when you have a great Master it's worth it..... I have waited 11years for aa great one he's not perfect but he's perfect for me...
omega1955sjoy/srln:654-049-049

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 6:46:18 PM

antipode

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quote:

As antipode said ... I see it as being content with what you have.

But of course, you're a Brit, and that is my original English. As I was writing what I did, I wondered if there is a cultural difference between the US and the UK, as far as this concept is concerned. I find it curious that I sometimes simply don't know, as I have spent different parts of my life on either side of the pond. I sometimes catch myself making weird mistakes, like suddenly asking someone where the goods lift is, after referring to it as the freight elevator for the better part of 25 years...

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 6:47:00 PM

pinkwind

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Where some see settling, i see being realistic. What we look for, our ideal mate is rarely a realistic impression of a human being, more an amalgam of our wishes into one image of a person. Being realistic is not negative, far from it, rather understanding that our expectations of another human being have to be grounded in reality.

As for settling in, that to me speaks of getting to know one another after the initial stage has passed, learning to live together harmoniously, growing the structure of life lived together. Even more simply, the the combining of two lives into one.

i see some, holding on to their ideal, and i don't see them as picky so much as unable to see the good people around them, and the possibility for a wonderful life passing them by. Talk to most folk, in the most enduring of relationships, and i bet they would say that their partner did not fit their ideal to a tee.

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RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 7:55:16 PM

YourhandMyAss

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To me that's exactly what "Settling" means. I couldn't find or couldn't have what I wanted, so I chose the one I could have, even if he wasn't as good as what I had hoped to have. As for the other questions, you'd have to ask that of those who did things like "trade up" I speak for myself only.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

I have had a few conversations with female friends on the topic of "settling in a relationship" and remain confused to the concept.

Does this mean that the relatinship dynamics are less than desirable?
Or that the current partner(s) are not what you really want?

Is this the reason you see people "trading up" and getting trophy spouses?

Are people just being too picky and too finicky?

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 19

RE: Settling in a relationship, what does that mean? - 2/25/2009 8:10:50 PM

NakedOnMyChain

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From: Indiana
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I see settling as compromise. Everyone "settles" for something in every relationship. There is no such thing as the perfect person who behaves perfectly at all times. There is, however, such a creature as the perfect person for you, despite and sometimes because of their various quirks, annoyances, and character flaws.

Like everything else, what you can settle for is highly individual. If you throw out a perfectly wonderful person from your pool of consideration because you think they brush their teeth too loudly, you're probably being a little too finicky. However, dismissing someone on the grounds of fundamental differences, which could be anything intrinsically important to you, is very valid. There are some things a person should settle for, and some things they shouldn't settle for. Taking the first thing that comes along, regardless of glaring differences that will grow with time, just so you don't have to be alone is unacceptable settling. Overlooking that your chosen partner puts the dishes in the dishwasher to wrong way is definitely acceptable. It's an individual judgment call. Do some deep thinking and figure out what you absolutely won't settle for and let everything else ebb and flow according to the person. After all, you should not be with someone that you only like for your potential to change them.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

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Post #: 20

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