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RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 10:01:48 AM   
HumiliatePorky


Posts: 18
Joined: 1/13/2009
Status: offline 		I definitely know what I love to eat, being I enjoy eating and going out, I understand from first hand experience how it is when going with someone who can't decide what they want,its a pain. In the past though, I've gone out with previous dominants I've served and when they've asked me to make the choice, at times I am uncertain they really want me to choose or what they want me to decide to please them. Once I realize the certain dom really wants me choose and decide, I can very much decide on my own being I very much in fact love going out to eat.:) As said before, for me its doing what makes the dom happy, but once I realize he is asking me out of sincereity I definitely have no problem choosing what I want to eat:)

(in reply to subangi)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 11:28:38 AM   
Morniel


Posts: 60
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		Good lord yes, if I wanted to or was equipped to make a decision, what the hell would I need him for?  I DON'T KNOW! Decide for me!

(in reply to subangi)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 12:00:20 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		I agree with Bear on this.....

Years ago when i had a Mentor... i was not allowed to use the words "good" or "fine" when asked how i was feeling.  I was expected to use a word to describe my emotion...and then most likely i would then be asked to elaborate (how i hated that word)  After awhile it got easier to verbalize and i became more self aware. 

I do catch myself falling back into the habit of using "good" now......not so much to avoid the question, but i really don't think someone wants to hear that i'm "tired, sleepy, bored, grumpy, etc"  because at times it sounds like whining to my own ears..<laugh>

quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

Quite often the passive sub is stating exactly what they feel. Either they aren't able to articulate well enough to explain what they are felling at that time or they generally have difficulty in expressing their feelings. I know with myself, if I'm asked what I am feeling and at that time my feelings are too jumbled to make and sense, the best I can say is "I'm not sure" or I don't know." It's not that I don't want to answer that particular question but I'm not able to phrase my answer in a way that'll come across clear and understandable to the other person. 


_____________________________

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Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to beargonewild)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 3:49:59 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Hey, let’s do lunch!  Where shall we go?

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 3:51:32 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

 and when they've asked me to make the choice, at times I am uncertain they really want me to choose or what they want me to decide to please them.


If someone asks me, I figure they really want to know.  If they ask but don’t ‘really’ want to know, that’s their problem!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to HumiliatePorky)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 3:52:49 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

Quite often the passive sub is stating exactly what they feel. Either they aren't able to articulate well enough to explain what they are felling at that time or they generally have difficulty in expressing their feelings. I know with myself, if I'm asked what I am feeling and at that time my feelings are too jumbled to make and sense, the best I can say is "I'm not sure" or I don't know." It's not that I don't want to answer that particular question but I'm not able to phrase my answer in a way that'll come across clear and understandable to the other person. 

 
I agree it is not always easy to find the words to describe what I’m feeling.  But that’s a lot different than expressing my opinion or saying what I want.


_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to beargonewild)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 4:43:33 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		There are really three different questions here, relating to a sub's being uncommunicative about:
(1) feelings;
(2) thoughts;
(3) what they want to do.

The reasons for being uncommunicative about them can be completely different, or it can be for the same reason.

Starting with (3), and working backward:

(3) Sometimes when a person doesn't have an answer when you ask what they want to do, they simply don't have any preference in mind. It can be that simple; if they really don't care, what can they have to say? It's also possible that they would like to do something in particular, but for some reason are afraid to make their desire known. In the case of a sub, they might fear appearing to have a "do-me" attitude. Or perhaps they just prefer to defer to the dominant all the time, and feel that a sub should not make decisions. You'll have to ask to find out.

(2) Someone may not communicate their thoughts because they don't feel that their thoughts are appropriate or interesting enough to talk about.

(3) People often don't communicate their feelings because they are difficult to put into words. Another reason can be that the very act of talking about feelings, forcing non-verbal emotions into a verbal form of communication, can distract a person from the feelings themselves. Sometimes reveling in the feelings is ruined by the request to talk about them. There is probably a male/female difference in this, the differences in their corpus callosum, females integrating left brain with right brain, and males focusing more on one side at a time. For myself, I can say that at times I was annoyed by the "whatcha thinkin" or "how do you feel" question while I'm simply enjoying the moment and the feelings, and the last thing I wanted to do was to interrupt that to have to talk about it.

(in reply to MistressStephi)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 5:17:42 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
I went to lunch today with a co-worker.  She historically has difficulty telling me what restaurant she would like to go to.  We got in the car and I told her I wasn’t starting the car until she said where we were going to eat.  She actually whined! But I held firm and she finally chose a place. 


So I take it that you have some obscure medical condition that prevents you from making the decision yourself?  Or perhaps it's against your religion?


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-and the few still remember passion over rage-

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 5:23:31 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
I went to lunch today with a co-worker.  She historically has difficulty telling me what restaurant she would like to go to.  We got in the car and I told her I wasn’t starting the car until she said where we were going to eat.  She actually whined! But I held firm and she finally chose a place. 


So I take it that you have some obscure medical condition that prevents you from making the decision yourself?  Or perhaps it's against your religion?


Yeah, it’s called I’m-really-tired-of-being-the-one-who-decides-every-time-itis!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to OneMoreWaste)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 5:33:21 PM   
Coldwarrior57


Posts: 297
Joined: 12/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

Yes, it's very common because passive submissives are usually very uncomfortable making the decisions. 


and their feelings. 
 
(I am going to make a generalization so don't jump on me for gosh sake)
Men have difficulty verbalizing and expressing feelings.
We do ?
News to me!
I may go cry now!


_____________________________

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-- George Orwell

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 6:23:30 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I work in the medical field and associate with men a lot. I think because of this i am very comfortable in this venue expressing my wants and needs. I can be very blunt.

In my private life, not so much - and i think it is a fear thing. If you offend the one you love in a dominant role, then punishment will your way come! My Sir has encouraged me to express what i feel and think  - when asked, and so , i am very comfortable doing it now.  But it took me a wee while.

Of course, i can be very vocal when asked where i want to eat!    no problems speaking up then.

(in reply to subangi)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 6:58:55 PM   
clearlightblack


Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		Personally, I know I did it (do it still sometimes) when I was unsure what he wanted or if I felt like even if I made a decision I'd get my head bitten off.
It was always about uncertainty about what will be pleasing since normally my opinion is shot down and whatnot.

I know sometimes I say I don't know.......now I say I don't care when someone wants to go out for food or go shopping.  Sometimes I just don't really have a preference.

(in reply to subangi)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 8:04:59 PM   
YoursMistress


Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline 		I've been through this for years with my (soon to be ex-) wife.   I always did it, and only recently started to attribute it to my blossoming submissive tendencies.  Now I know the truth, that I am not just a sub but also a dick. :(

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 10:33:42 PM   
OTKkindaGirl


Posts: 447
Joined: 12/26/2005
From: NW Arkansas
Status: offline 		Veddy veddy interesting.... indeed and i am not one to usually speak up until something strikes me... and then the whining begins... *gigglez*

i am a very easy person to please and it honestly doesn't take much, so when i defer on the decision where to eat, it is usually Either because 1-
the person i am with is food saavy and i want to enjoy what they like and at least try to appreciate their preferences; Or 2- they are particularly picky eaters with little quirks that i am sure will not be happy with any place i might choose...  i do speak up when i am in the mood for something in particular but if i say i don't know or that i don't care about food... at that particular moment, i honestly don't care or don't know.... i enjoy eating sometimes and sometimes i honestly believe it to be a waste of time and energy... there are so many more fun things to do... but darn the luck, the body needs nourishment to keep going.... *poutz*

As for what i am thinking... it has recently been pointed out to me that i have now started asking "do you know what i'm thinking?" and i didn't even realize that i had started doing that!  Strange that it is still like asking for permission to express myself but it is so inate in me that i hesitate to express my opinions... due to harsh ridicule, judgements, and the narrow mindedness of family and society in general add to that, i was raised during an era when children were seen and not heard and a smart mouth got you knocked clear to last Sunday.... uhh so yeah... ya want my thoughts, i have to know that i am safe to share them without fear.

i am usually passive in expressing my own feelings (except here on the boards *winx*) but when it comes to others, i do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve... and what a big heart it is, my feelings are very simple and childlike and i still don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. but i believe in the good of people.  i do know that i wont share my deepest darkest feelings, and i digress here, unless i know that it is safe to do so... nor do i allow the failings of it, to imbitter me or jade me in such a way that i am dysfunctional to the next person to pass through my life when things go awry.  the hardest feeling for me to share or express isn't love at all.... it is an anger and the fear it is wrought with.  Some people are lazy when it comes to relationships.  i'm not one of them but i don't waste my time when i realize i am with one.   i can be quite passionate in many categories but not so much when it comes to my own personal feelings.  Nobody cares more about my feelings than i do, so why should i expose my own vulnerablities when the person i am with, cannot or will not reciprocate... this is what makes relationships work. i don't care who you are or what you are...in any relationship, it is all give and take and if it isn't... then it isn't really worth working for... thus the laziness... some people just are and don't know what they have lost until it is gone.  i can talk all day about feelings, but i don't want to waste any more of your (the readers) time.  *grin*   have a good one ya'll!

just my thoughts and feelings at the moment... like the wind, subject to change in any direction at any given time... don't hate me because i'm versatile and diverse... nobody has to get hurt here, please put the flamethrowers away!  i'm a recovering passivolic and fast becoming a sassiholic...

< Message edited by OTKkindaGirl -- 2/27/2009 10:37:52 PM >

_____________________________

~~ lil darlin' ~~
hope



(in reply to YoursMistress)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: is it common.... - 2/28/2009 1:04:37 AM   
doll


Posts: 296
Joined: 7/10/2005
From: Middle Georgia
Status: offline 		I tend to be the same way a lot when it comes to saying "I don't know/care."  My ex husbnd would always ask me what sounded good for dinner, I would make suggestions, he would shoot them down, so I stopped trying.  I do hate the indecisiveness people have when they go on and on with not knowing, I normally just say, "Whatever you want is fine."  Most restaurants have tons to choose from, so I am flexible there.

I have trouble speaking up for myself, except with my immediate family in which case I am very vocal.  I am afraid of hurting someones feelings, getting my feelings hurt or of them yelling at me/punishment.  I tend to just keep quiet and let it go away, which is NOT a good thing and I am working on changing that for myself. 

_____________________________


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(in reply to OTKkindaGirl)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: is it common.... - 2/28/2009 3:51:29 AM   
Willowmoon


Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline 		I do this quite often. Its not because I can't decide things for myself or have no self confidence. I get into what I call sub headspace and when there I find it very hard to say anything at all. At that point everything I have is focused on Master, what he is doing to me or wants and the way everything feels/smells/looks. I get so overwhelemed with all the sensations and things that I am feeling that my words just don't work anymore.

(in reply to subangi)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: is it common.... - 2/28/2009 4:24:05 AM   
MasterTslave


Posts: 200
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		Sometimes I respond to a question Master T askes as I don't know...not because I am brainless or trying to figure out what HE wants (otherwise, He would not have asked me)...the times I respond an I don't know is if I really don't know or if I need a few to think about something.  I will follow up an I don't know with either a few options that I am pondering or just simply say that I need a few to think about it.

(in reply to subangi)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: is it common.... - 2/28/2009 6:44:15 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I say I don't know when I truly don't know..sometimes I'm feeling or thinking so many things that there's no way I can sum it up in a minute or with a few words. Sometimes it's all too jumbled together.

Sometimes I'm not ready to share what I'm thinking.

Sometimes I just simply don't care and you decide. It simply doesn't matter to me. My friends call me their "mouse in their pocket" because I'll go anywhere, do anything because I don't care. I'm easy to please and be around.

Now there are times when I am very sure and I do have an opinion and when the time is right then I will share it. Just sometimes it's not that important to do so for me.

(in reply to subangi)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: is it common.... - 2/28/2009 8:26:48 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

Hey, let’s do lunch!  Where shall we go?


I don't know, where do you want to go?

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: is it common.... - 2/28/2009 8:34:41 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

Hey, let’s do lunch!  Where shall we go?


I don't know, where do you want to go?




Anything would be fine.
What do you feel like?

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 2/28/2009 8:35:07 AM >

(in reply to thishereboi)
Profile   Post #: 40
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