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InTonguesslave -> RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt (3/3/2009 7:06:23 PM)
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can you give me an example of this: "in a big way this helps me to break through my barriers and brick walls - i take full responsibility for each wall i break through." (though i don't expect you to answer if it is too personal).
no, its not too personal atall, ill try to explain it more clearly
at the moment im struggling calling Sir 'Sir' - i recognise why i am struggling with it. its because it keeps me in the place he wishes to put me. for him its basic courtesy and respect. for me it sometimes (but not always) creates a feeling of distance and separation from the growing feelings i have for him. when i dont call him Sir he reminds me gently but very firmly of my position as his slave and what he expects from me. this sometimes (but not always creates a barrier i then have to dismantle). its sometimes painful and difficult and doubts and insecurities can eclipse everything else that is positive between us.
its at this point that i take responsibility for my next step - the choice is fight/flight - or work through it. i choose to work through it.
his part in helping me is to list all of the things he really likes/admires/enjoys from me - i realise that the distance im feeling is just my insecurities messing with my head. i realise that he needs to enforce this rule because if he didnt id stretch the boundaries and lose focus. i realise that he is absolutely right to insist i call him Sir - i accept it again, i have broken down that barrier again and each time it gets a little smaller and more insignificant. together we take responsibility for moving this along, for holding it together because we believe in what we've found.
if Sir said, this this and that, do that and youll get through it i wouldnt learn and i wouldnt break down the barrier i would simply be forced past it. the barrier would still be there holding me back.
if i ignored it and carried on anyway the potential for disaster further down the track builds momentum - if i do not take responsibility for my fears and anxieties and just let them manifest then i am responsible, if i do take responsibility for my fears and anxieties i am responsible - either way i am responsible for my part in the growth or destruction of the relationship.
when you look at it like that it starts to get easier - youre responsible either way so you might just as well face up to youre fears and get on with sorting them out.
sounds hard, sorry. the point of this whole responsibility thing is that by taking each step carefully you can release youreself from the fear of being hurt. by taking responsibility for each step you take, you realise then that it was always youre choice to continue and that blame and endings can be shared.
even if Sir turned around tomorrow and said 'sorry love, ive changed my mind' i would still have the anchor of responsibility to remind me that for the time he was my Sir it was always my choice and for that moment in time, the right choice.
alot of the fear of being hurt is actually through allowing youreself to be hurt, alot of the resentment and anger you feel is anger and resentment toward yourself for putting up with it, going along with it, suffering it for as long as you did - well, certainly for me. ive removed that element of fear from my decision making by taking equal responsibility for who i choose to be with and how it pans out.
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