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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 1:52:41 PM   
aravain


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I blame my parents for very little...

I blame them for making me so ashamed of myself, and afraid of being myself...

but I understand they couldn't help it, they still *can't* help it. I don't hold it against them.

My mom blames herself (and/or my father) for many things relating to myself and my brother... I've urged her to get therapy so that she understands that nothing's her fault (and, slightly less and more selfishly, so that she'll stop talking to ME about many of the 'problems' in my life that I don't think are problems at all that she's apparently 'caused')

I don't understand why we need to blame anyone for some things... why can't we just accept that it's how it is?

Then again I go into thinking about it... and then get annoyed because some people will call things 'excuses' that... well, actually *are* good reasons for things (such as even medical things)!

I'm conflicted.

To me, though, placing blame on something/one (especially where it doesn't matter) is an excuse. When people keep asking for reasons for something, then someone does give a reason (whether valid or not) and the asker calls it an excuse, though, that's just annoying D: (and yes, this happened recently with me -.-). It's why I generally don't give reasons for anything.


People just want to beg out of responsibility (and GIVE responsibility to someone else) for something where the cause doesn't matter.

*end ramble*

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 1:57:36 PM   
sirsholly


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Status: offline 		As an adult i let go of the anger i had toward the parental units...mostly the female unit. It worked very well until i became a parent myself. Now i look at this tiny person, knowing i was once in his position and my mother was once in mine. Over and over i ask "Mom...how could you?"


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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 2:06:07 PM   
chicagoswitch


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Status: offline 		The EXACT same thing happened to me.  I always heard that it was easier to forgive your parents once you had your own ums.  Not me....once I had my own, it made it hard for me to look at the female parent some days.

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 2:06:08 PM   
feydeplume


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Status: offline 		can we still blame Reagan? Daddy G was still in the CIA and Baby G was fucking around in business for some of the time frame I want to lame blame. Can't I just blame the Media Party (Republicans seem over represented in the Actor to Elected Official group).




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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 2:13:26 PM   
slvemike4u


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Status: offline 		I blame my asshole father for my inability to respond rationally to this thread!!!!!

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 2:21:47 PM   
LaTigresse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

As an adult i let go of the anger i had toward the parental units...mostly the female unit. It worked very well until i became a parent myself. Now i look at this tiny person, knowing i was once in his position and my mother was once in mine. Over and over i ask "Mom...how could you?"



Holly, I was the same way with both my parents for a very long time. Then I realized, they are human. With all of the faults and fuckups that come with it. As their kids, we don't get any guarantees that our parents were going to be stellar human beings.

I just had to learn to accept that they are who they are, whether I like it, or even understand it. And do the best I can to be 100% better as a mother and grandmother, than either of my parents have done.

And hardest of all, I don't have to like my parents, or even love them.


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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 2:23:52 PM   
sirsholly


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Status: offline 		well said, LadyT

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 2:41:57 PM   
dreamysubmale


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Status: offline 		Parents do have an influence in our life, but perhaps we should blame our peers and not the parents?

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 3:20:06 PM   
Maya2001


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Status: offline 		the level of family dysfunction plays a large roll also tthe age of the child at the time

for eg a child raised in a home where serious physical and sexual abuse took place  at a very young age and who was controlled and kept from making close friends  grows up not understand what normal family function is, they develop unhealthy views of  what love is    because they do not have the experiences to help them understand.  what is normal .and no amount of therapy can every wipe away all the damage done

It is no different that with dogs ...  take a pup(A) that was left with mom  and the litter for the 3 to 4 month, and then raise around other dogs and people  and compare  the way it behave  around other dogs    to one that was seperate from the litter and mom at 6 weeks(B) and then put in a home  where it got  regular human contact  and another same age(C)   but isolated   as to be the outdoor dog with little human contact. 

all 3 pups will behave very differently in a group setting  they cannot communicate effectively with each other  ..Pup (A) is the best  adjusted  can understand most other dogs and fits in well with people , it has the highest social skills ..it is confident without being clingy and demanding for attention..

pup B   was seperated too young from  the dam and litter ..and without a lot of other dog contact early on it will have poor dog social/ettiquette skills which means either it will get picked on or become the instigators of fights with other dogs or simply be an outsider since it lacks to subtle dog communication skills but will be fairly good with it's owner  but tends to be more demanding of attention and more clingier

Pup C --has developed no social skills and has the greatest potential to become a dangerous dog both to people and other dogs

Both pup B and C  can have therapy  to try to help them but no matter how much work and time is invested in them they will never become like pup A because certain foundation skills need to occur  early on in social development  so they will alway be fucked up to a certain degree.. Pup C will have far more serious issues due to lack of bonding and love

The reason I used dogs in the example is because like humans dogs are social creatures  and need a group structure to thrive and like humans  they share a lot of the same behavioural, developmental  and psychriatric issues and because their lifespans are shorter it is easier to observe the cause and effects

So upbringing does have a role.. does it get used as an excuse too often .. I due believe so .. some I have heard where not so much abuse but what appears to unresolved  teenage rebellion  beefs

It is one thing for someone to bring up that the possibly of some childhood trauma may impact their responses as a warning and another for a person to play excuse cards continually as a way out of attempting  new things or as an excuse to be lazy


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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 4:08:31 PM   
littlewonder


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Status: offline 		There are tons of people of all ages who simply refuse to take responsibilities for their own actions.

They need to play the martyr, they need the attention and want everyone to feel sorry for them.

There's no shortage of them unfortunately.

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 4:16:11 PM   
domiguy


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Status: offline 		If your parents did a tap dance on your twat, dick,body or brain or didn't protect you from other predatory adults then I think it is not simply something that one "gets over."

If your still steamed you didn't get a convertible for your sweet sixteen...Get the fuck over it!

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 4:29:50 PM   
MissIsis


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Status: offline 		I know of no one who hasn't suffered even a little family dysfunction ever.  I do think blaming a parent or parents is a way to absolve one of the responsibility they have for here & now to fix things.  I am mom to grown ones now.  We talk about some of the issues that occurred while raising them.  I think they have a very healthy outlook on things.  Just as tell my own mom, "you did the best you could with the circumstances you lived with, & with what you know & what you had,"  I tell my own grown ones, "I did the best I could with the circumstances I lived with, & with what I knew & with what I had."  Life is never perfect.  It would be too easy to lay blame on someone else.  Personally, I want to personally deal with the here & now.  Maybe it means acknowledging that things were not always right when I was growing up, but ultimately, now that I am of age, it becomes my responsibility to fix what I don't feel is right about my life today.  

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 5:32:40 PM   
OneMoreWaste


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quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet
I thought we agreed to just blame it all on Bush.

chia* (the pet)


We did, but then he fucked it up by not declaring martial law and declaring himself king (as, believe it or not, was floating around as a conspiracy theory). Now he's gone, and we need to come up with a new excuse.

Oh, and for the record, I totally have scientific evidence to support blaming my parents for my poor eyesight, and y'all can stuff that laser shit where the sun don't shine.


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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 5:46:56 PM   
chicagoswitch


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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

If your parents did a tap dance on your twat, dick,body or brain or didn't protect you from other predatory adults then I think it is not simply something that one "gets over."

If your still steamed you didn't get a convertible for your sweet sixteen...Get the fuck over it!


Very well said.....

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 6:03:10 PM   
Phoenixpower


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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

If your parents did a tap dance on your twat, dick,body or brain or didn't protect you from other predatory adults then I think it is not simply something that one "gets over."

If your still steamed you didn't get a convertible for your sweet sixteen...Get the fuck over it!


Very well said.....


Indeed

While I am "over" their neglect and other forms of bad behaviour I simply learned over time to accept that they are how they are but also to ensure that certain behaviour won't affect me anymore and also would not affect my own family in the future, which is why I am far happier to have my distance

Regarding "it is not simply something that one 'gets over'" In germany I did a 4 year qualification to work in childrens home with troubled kids...before I started this qualification a colleague told me that I will learn more during this course then I ever wanted to know...half way through I realised what he was talking about, because when you learn the theory from sociology and psychology to understand why the kids in your residential home are how they are and why they behave quite well in this establishment but not so well at home, then at times you also reflect on your own upbringing and learn to look more behind the scenes what is going on. Whilst I do not doubt that some of my view about my family is subjective, I have also pretty good clues on an objective level why things happened how they did and I think this qualification helped me more to 'get over it' and to move on...and at the end of the day all I say in that regard is, well...it will be their loss in the future

Also regarding LaTigresse
quote:

And hardest of all, I don't have to like my parents, or even love them.


Very well said. It just makes me laugh (in a sarcastic way) at times when some people, even when they know major errors which happened fairly recently still dare to say "But they are your parents." And I just reply "So what???" Does that means I have to continue to cope with their bullying attitude and other stupid behaviour the rest of my life??? Or that it means that I would have to look after them once they are fragile, just because then I might be convenient for them??? Surely not

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 6:10:57 PM   
Phoenixpower


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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamysubmale

Parents do have an influence in our life, but perhaps we should blame our peers and not the parents?


lol, but particular the first 2 years of our life have an immense impact on us according to the attachment theory, as according to this theory and according to the level of attachment we form it can already determine a fair bit if we end up as bullies, as being bullied or if we stay out of it at all...which then again affects how we are dealing within a peer group...therefore in my view the family is the major influence to look at; not to mention that the development of self-esteem also starts (or at least should start) in the family before you end up being with peers.

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 6:53:23 PM   
scarlethiney


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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I'm going to admit, ( not bragging ok?), I never had this situation so I  don't have a frame of reference--but I see and hear comments like "I blame My parents", " My parents were xxx or did xxx"--outside of the gross neglects or abuses that come to mind---why do adults who are seemingly into adulthood with some life experience on their resume, still feel the need to blame their parents for the way they are? Isn't there a point that if someone is a certain way because of parents and they aren't happy or don't like it, only they can make the effort to change? Isn't there a point that one should start taking  responsibility for their quirks, idiosyncracies, habits and the changes required? Am I missing something?



No your not missing anything......................they are


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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 7:08:54 PM   
MistresseLotus


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Status: offline 		If they are that aware of their idiocyncrasies and know their origin then that are aware enough to change themselves. 

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/6/2009 8:45:03 AM   
camille65


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistresseLotus

If they are that aware of their idiocyncrasies and know their origin then that are aware enough to change themselves. 


Weird. I'm in a weird place in my life where I am having to do the opposite of the OP. I am having to learn to blame the parentals, to look back and analyze things, separate what I think I am from what I was instead just told I am.

It isn't easy. Changing my entire past really is what I'm having to do, instead of blaming myself I am having to somehow find a way to lay blame where it actually belongs. It is messing with my head in a non fun way. The more I question and learn, the more confused I am becoming.


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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/6/2009 8:55:59 AM   
beargonewild


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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I'm going to admit, ( not bragging ok?), I never had this situation so I  don't have a frame of reference--but I see and hear comments like "I blame My parents", " My parents were xxx or did xxx"--outside of the gross neglects or abuses that come to mind---why do adults who are seemingly into adulthood with some life experience on their resume, still feel the need to blame their parents for the way they are? Isn't there a point that if someone is a certain way because of parents and they aren't happy or don't like it, only they can make the effort to change? Isn't there a point that one should start taking  responsibility for their quirks, idiosyncracies, habits and the changes required? Am I missing something?


I think many of us, including myself, have blamed our parents for many nasty things we endured in a childhood that was less than idealistic. It is a tough battle for an adult to finally realize that parents aren't perfect, they screw up and sometime quite badly. Along the way we will lose focus on that fact. I blamed my father for not playing a role in my upbringing and my mom for being the heavy disciplinarian in the household. Times passes and I slowly understood that they had no guidebook to follow when raising a um especially their first. All they had was blind instinct on how they believed they were doing things right according to the skills they had. I've learned that it's more self responsible to let go of what I had no control over and to try to be the best person I can be today. When I do relate what I endured, it's not to garner sympathy but to offer a glimpse into what factors that forms the basis to my personality.


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