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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/6/2009 9:13:24 AM

SilverMark

Posts: 3457
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I may very well come from what could be considered the poster child of dysfunctional families!...No one cares!...including ME!
Fucked up marriages.....fucked up individuals....and so fucking what?....
All that, and I manage quite well ,and still love each one of them....When I went to grade school in the 60's there were 2 kids in the whole school who's parents were divorced....one of them was my sister....I have had 6 step mothers yet Dad was married 8 times...
(you do the math I can hardly keep them straight by name)....Mom was married 3 times....once to my Father and twice to my Step-father....it goes on and on and on....My uncle marries a girl in Europe...brings her home....divorces her....My other uncle married her!...both sets of Grand parents married more than once.....every aunt and uncle...more than once....I have more steps and halfs than I can count!....half brothers a cross dresser....half sister is a pissed off, man hating lesbian attorney!....life is interesting...and believe it or not, aside from my obvious kinks....I am a suburban Dad....Husband and Grandfather.....go figure!
fuck the woe is me stuff!....stand up and be yourself....inflict no harm to others(unless they like it) and take no harm inflicted upon you!....Life is still grand!...and it is no one's fault but your own if you stand around and whine about all that others have done to you that causes you discomfort(unless of course....you go for that stuff)....There is so much in life that you experience....so much to enjoy....so much to learn....find or make your own happiness....no one can stop you!...anyone who is so busy blaming everyone else....is too busy being stupid to live life....now, about those nuns

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Post #: 41

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/6/2009 2:27:19 PM

MistresseLotus

Posts: 443
Joined: 9/19/2008
From: (aka LotusSong)
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I see "blaming others" as a sign of weakness. Instead of blaming someone.. try learning from it and understanding the situation. Quit emoting about it and spiritualize it. When you can fix the past..let me know how you did it.. 6 million holocaust victims would appreciate it.

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Post #: 42

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/6/2009 6:21:26 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
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       I keep coming back to this thread, and I keep hitting cancel on my reply. I'm going to try one more time. I'm just not going to go there.

     Blame is a function of anger, be it rightly or wrongly directed. I'm past that. It was what it was, and I am who I am, just as they are who they are, and were who they were.

     I was wandering through one of those mall stores a few years back. One of the chains, that caters to spoiled teenagers who think it is cool to have issues with their parents. There was a t-shirt (black, of course) that stuck in my memory. It said, "I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you."

     Reverse it, and you get the best answer I have to the topic. "I didn't say I blame you, I said it is your fault."

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Post #: 43

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/6/2009 6:26:13 PM

DavanKael

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I think when folks do this, it's just an excuse not to take responsibility for their actions.
Davan

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Post #: 44

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/7/2009 12:31:49 PM

pixidustpet

Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
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on blaming the parentals....

when a child is born, yes, they have their own little personalities. and the parents, by thought deed and example, show that little person how to be an adult. hopefully, they do a good job and that kid grows up to be a productive human being.

we're partly who we are born, partly who we are raised by, and partly our experiences. some of that is choice, some isnt. we do have a choice as to how we act *as adults*, but those choices are sometimes made out of comfort...as in "i know this is a sucky choice, but goddamn it i KNOW how to do this sucky thing and its a no brainer to me!".

i'm not a bonasai tree. i can decide to grow differently than i was trained....but dammit that means i have to be replanted, the framework holding me in place has to be removed, and i have to be encouraged to move in newer, better directions. sometimes, a person gets those things. sometimes, they dont.

kitten, who thinks domiguy got it right.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 45

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/7/2009 1:47:41 PM

DeviantlyD

Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
.... Then I realized, they are human. With all of the faults and fuckups that come with it. As their kids, we don't get any guarantees that our parents were going to be stellar human beings.

Well said. There is another consideration too...our grandparents. Perhaps our grandparents were even worse than our parents. And our parents may have struggled with how to resolve their own issues while trying to raise us. Society wasn't always as open as it is today and help not always as prevalent. And for those of you who think we have a long way to go yet (and we do), can you imagine how much worse it was way back when?

Edited to add ('cause somehow part of my original post ended up in the ether):

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

I thought we agreed to just blame it all on Bush.

chia* (the pet)

*LMAO*

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

I think when folks do this, it's just an excuse not to take responsibility for their actions.
Davan

I agree. I believe that once you are an adult, you have the choice of how to live your life and to get help for any issues you recognize within yourself. Blaming your defects on someone else doesn't absolve you of having them.

< Message edited by DeviantlyD -- 3/7/2009 1:53:57 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 46

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/7/2009 4:35:05 PM

UPSG

Posts: 331
Joined: 1/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I'm going to admit, ( not bragging ok?), I never had this situation so I don't have a frame of reference--but I see and hear comments like "I blame My parents", " My parents were xxx or did xxx"--outside of the gross neglects or abuses that come to mind---why do adults who are seemingly into adulthood with some life experience on their resume, still feel the need to blame their parents for the way they are? Isn't there a point that if someone is a certain way because of parents and they aren't happy or don't like it, only they can make the effort to change? Isn't there a point that one should start taking responsibility for their quirks, idiosyncracies, habits and the changes required? Am I missing something?

A professor of mine commented to me once that it is generally the case - not always but generally - that if a person has "f*cked up" parents they will become "f*cked up."

He was making that comment from the perspective of a social scientist. I think many psychiatrists or psychologist would agree with that for the most part.

One of the reasons the U.S. military has an age limit for bootcamp is because after a certain age it becomes difficult to mold another person's mind - brainwash. Young people that are 19 and 24 are still fairly easy to brainwash. Legally they are adults, yet older figures with Drill Instructor's caps, still retrain their minds.

Parents have a major impact on children during their prime development years for their personality. I believe so. I would also say other things like neighborhood culture, schools, extended family, friends and so forth also contribute. The will and given personality of the person also contributes to the person's further developing personality - at least I would think so.

The purpose of a liberal arts education is to help make the person a more well-rounded person, to help broaden their mind so to speak. This is not the same thing as being trained in high school, professional schooling like law and medicine, as a grunt in the military, or parental indoctrination.

Many people don't even have a frame of reference for change. And changing yourself can be very difficult - though not impossible - after a certain point.

I could be wrong but it seems to me, most adults need a shock to change, like the rape victim, the combat veteran, the cop that has seen to much, drug addiction, being beaten up very badly... these kinds of things can cause a significant change in a person's personality or some element of it.

I know a young man that has been partly, and slowly, change some aspects of his personality and behaviors through the means of studying Aikido for several years now. This change and path to change has not required any "shock" to the system.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 47

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/7/2009 10:47:03 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
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It took me about 35 years to understand that I can be perfectly dysfunctional without anyone's help.

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Post #: 48

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/7/2009 11:25:38 PM

Vendaval

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Go Stella!

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Post #: 49

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/8/2009 6:09:39 AM

intenze

Posts: 2176
Joined: 1/26/2009
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dangit, I was using that nun excuse forever!!!!

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 50

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/8/2009 7:39:34 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
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some people do things a certain way because it's easier, including painting themselves out to be a victim of circumstance.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 51

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/15/2009 5:34:42 AM

Manawyddan

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Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline

I do blame my parents for my original programming. However, I blame myself for any choices I have made (or not made).

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Post #: 52

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/15/2009 9:37:52 AM

YoursMistress

Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
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Miss Cat,

I believe that there is a huge difference between recognizing the impact of my parents' actions and blaming them for my own actions. It has sadly taken me the better part of 5 decades to even begin to understand why I have made many of my choices and why I continue to respond in unhealthy ways to certain stimuli. Without delving into what those early years were like, it's hard for me, and maybe easier or harder for others, to understand what fears are driving me. Those of us who fall short and get stuck in the "blame the parents" part of this journey merely haven't yet completed their work. Getting an occasional dose of "Cat medicine" is helpful in pointing out that there is work to do.

yours

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As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

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Post #: 53

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/15/2009 10:46:31 AM

truckinslave

Posts: 3897
Joined: 6/16/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There's one hell of a difference between working things through with a therapist weekly and crying to one. Therapy is the hardest work you'll ever do and it's thankless because nobody you know wants you to change. Change is threatening to them. If you stop reacting, they won't know how to deal with you so they sabotage you in the exact same manner that a man, afraid of his wife losing weight and looking more vibrant, will sabotage her by bringing home ice cream.

And good therapists are worth their weight in gold.

There are good analogies here (believe it or not) to getting straight/sober and sponsors.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 54

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/15/2009 11:42:10 AM

Lockit

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I didn't blame them... I friggin ran! lol I built myself and although I understood they still needed a parent; it wasn't my job. It was time for them to grow up and for me to move along. It worked out pretty good, for me at least. Of course I was never forgiven for not needing the family structure... but I didn't care the day I left... tried not to care later when they all tried to involve me again and today... sit a bit lonelier on Christmas, but far happier!

Realistically looking at causes is different from blame. Understand it, move yourself through it and go live. The cord has been cut.

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Post #: 55

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/15/2009 12:40:26 PM

slvemike4u

Posts: 17896
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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

some people do things a certain way because it's easier, including painting themselves out to be a victim of circumstance.

And some people were raised under such horrendous conditions that any level of happiness they manage to acheive in life is a tribute to perseverance and intestinal fortitude.

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Post #: 56

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/15/2009 12:47:39 PM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I didn't blame them... I friggin ran! lol I built myself and although I understood they still needed a parent; it wasn't my job. It was time for them to grow up and for me to move along. It worked out pretty good, for me at least. Of course I was never forgiven for not needing the family structure... but I didn't care the day I left... tried not to care later when they all tried to involve me again and today... sit a bit lonelier on Christmas, but far happier!

Realistically looking at causes is different from blame. Understand it, move yourself through it and go live. The cord has been cut.

very well said

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Post #: 57

RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/15/2009 4:37:30 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I'm going to admit, ( not bragging ok?), I never had this situation so I don't have a frame of reference--but I see and hear comments like "I blame My parents", " My parents were xxx or did xxx"--outside of the gross neglects or abuses that come to mind---why do adults who are seemingly into adulthood with some life experience on their resume, still feel the need to blame their parents for the way they are? Isn't there a point that if someone is a certain way because of parents and they aren't happy or don't like it, only they can make the effort to change? Isn't there a point that one should start taking responsibility for their quirks, idiosyncracies, habits and the changes required? Am I missing something?

I actually blame you for everything in my life that has failed to meet expectations.

My lawyers will be in contact.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 58

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