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I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:01:19 AM   
SwankyPants


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline 		Ok I need some guidance.

I met a lady on the internet through a normal dating site and we seem to have really hit it off, we haven’t met yet but we seen photos and she's hot... 
 
For the past few nights we’ve been talking for 4-5 hours a night and really having a giggle and I felt that we’ve clicked, I got the impression she felt the same. I feel really comtable talking to her and we have had some really frank honest conversations.

During this time I’ve learnt that she’s into the bondage fetish scene and seems quite experienced having dabbled for many years as both a dom and more recent a submissive, it was her that pointed me onto this site. She doesn’t seem to be full on into the scene as she still wants a normal relationship but  involve her kinky side when the moods right and not by way of having a Master and she the slave and she certainly doesn't want to cook, clean, weed etc. 

I myself in comparison, I'm clueless whats required and lack any experience, and therfore dont know what my role is, don’t get me wrong I’m aware of it all and seen the movies, but just never got the tee-shirt. I’m sexually experienced and have had many adventures, and like many fetish things, but just never explored dom/sub/bondage etc.

 
Ok so here is my dilemma, I’ve been my honest self with her and everything seemed to be good, a trust has built between us also I feel, we’ve been very open and frank with each other; but then after 4-hours on the phone last night, she suddenly decided I wasn’t for her as she had decided that I wanted romance and cuddles and this doesn’t suit her needs;  her words 'she was to dismissive for me' still not sure what this meant ...  I feel maybe I was possibly being a sub, when I should have been dom, but I haven't a clue ... could have been I have a soft, honest, vunerable heart and I wear it on my sleeve.

Correct me if I’m wrong but surely even subs and doms need cuddles too and maybe even a little romancing now and again…but possibly not …
 
I suppose I’m a beta male and not an alpha male which might be against me … I'm very open minded enough, capable enough to be whoever she wants me to be. I’d never want to change her as she is so facinating and talented a person and she really interests me and sparks an inner me.

Anyway; I really like this girl and want to know what I need to do to win her back, I dont feel its broken, but she's a strong women so maybe I've blown it already ... but it would be interesting to know what needs to be said and done when I call her ...... I need to understand the concept to put myself in the right frame of mind possibly??

I'm willing to work to win her back, just need to know how...


< Message edited by SwankyPants -- 3/5/2009 11:11:33 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:20:00 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I hope you don't think I sound like a total asshole here... but... there's no "back" to win if she was never into you enough to meet in real life.

For what it's worth, "too dismissive" sounds to me like a concern about your conversation style that might have nothing to do with BDSM.  More like, she brought up, "Issue X is a big big deal to me," and you said, "Oh no, that's not a problem," instead of, "You're right.  That's important.  The best I can say for now is that we can work on it together.  I'm taking you seriously."  Or something like that.

She might be married, or be emailing several guys, and decided someone else was more interesting.  There's no way to know.  My suggestion is to meet in real sooner rather than later, and not get emotionally invested until you've spent time together hanging out.  Better luck next time.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to SwankyPants)
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RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:21:41 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		First of all, welcome and great name...Swankypants.....it's what got me to read the thread.

Secondly, you are aware that her "hot" photo just might not be her, I am sure.

If she is submissive, or even a bottom, the person you feel you are as you have described in your post, might really not be the guy for her. No matter what else you have in common. And, chances are the more you try to be, the worse it may be.

Be your authentic self. If that isn't what she is looking for, you will have to accept it. There will be someone you are perfect for.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SwankyPants)
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RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:24:52 AM   
SwankyPants


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline 		you could be right on the nail with theat one

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

"Issue X is a big big deal to me," and you said, "Oh no, that's not a problem," instead of, "You're right.  That's important.  The best I can say for now is that we can work on it together.  I'm taking you seriously."  Or something like that.

or be emailing several guys, and decided someone else was more interesting.  There's no way to know.  My suggestion is to meet in real sooner rather than later, and not get emotionally invested until you've spent time together hanging out.  Better luck next time.


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:25:22 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		If someone's decided they're not interested in me, for whatever reason, I would never pursue it. No matter how super I may find them I have absolutely no drive to pursue beyond perhaps to continue chatting exactly as before.

There has to be some kind of mutual interest and as you've been frank, honest and natural with her .......I don't see what else you can do apart from, perhaps, asking her to clarify her mysterious comment about being *dismissive*. That might at least give you a clue as to what she's made her decision on.

agirl

(in reply to SwankyPants)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:28:44 AM   
SwankyPants


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks ... its my real nick name ...

I do believe it is really her in photo we've been over that...

whats a bottom ?

I do belive I will never change who I am ' my authentic self ' but I sure as hell, fancy exploring another side of me

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

First of all, welcome and great name...Swankypants.....it's what got me to read the thread.

Secondly, you are aware that her "hot" photo just might not be her, I am sure.

If she is submissive, or even a bottom, the person you feel you are as you have described in your post, might really not be the guy for her. No matter what else you have in common. And, chances are the more you try to be, the worse it may be.

Be your authentic self. If that isn't what she is looking for, you will have to accept it. There will be someone you are perfect for.


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:32:10 AM   
SwankyPants


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline 		I know in my heart you are probably making perfect sense ... but somthing she wrote in her profile makes me wonder is she making me work for it and prove how much I like her ... has she pushed me away on purpose to see if i'm strong enough a person to rebound and win her back ?

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

If someone's decided they're not interested in me, for whatever reason, I would never pursue it. No matter how super I may find them I have absolutely no drive to pursue beyond perhaps to continue chatting exactly as before.

There has to be some kind of mutual interest and as you've been frank, honest and natural with her .......I don't see what else you can do apart from, perhaps, asking her to clarify her mysterious comment about being *dismissive*. That might at least give you a clue as to what she's made her decision on.

agirl


(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:37:20 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Do you really want a relationship where those kinds of games are played?

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SwankyPants)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:38:58 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		If she wants you she can contact you. Sounds like she doesn't. I'd just move on with my life and let it go. Leave the ball in her court.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:41:31 AM   
Chgolostnlooking


Posts: 46
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		My friend, if you're not drawn to BDSM from either the top or bottom you're probably not going to be able to connect with her on this level.  And, that's fine - it's not good nor bad.  You've never been drawn to it.  If she's not living a lifestyle now but still likes the power exchange, it's hard to describe to someone that's not drawn to it.

If I were you, I believe that instead of trying to understand it I would go back to her and ask her to introduce me to this to see if I liked it.  Perhaps ask her to go out on a date but also ask her about voice training, or something like that.  And, I suppose if I really wanted to be helpful you might say something about "it's all about her", or something.  You want to focus on her.

But, if you don't feel it, then you don't feel it.  However, I wish you luck.  You took the time to try and learn about something that interests her - that's more than I think a lot of men might do.

(in reply to SwankyPants)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:45:01 AM   
FelineFae


Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline 		i'll spare you the "there's plenty of fish in the sea" bit.
well, you have learned from this experience, so that is something.
and you've met all us wonderfuls peoples...
enjoy the site, knowing about yourself is always good for future relationships.
the search function is your friend. lol, the vanilla cone will go away...

bottoms act out the part of a scene that they enjoy.

e2a- the recieving end of scene. 'had to clear that up.
like, the bottom gets flogged if they like it, and the top is doing the flogging.

< Message edited by FelineFae -- 3/5/2009 11:59:06 AM >

_____________________________

FelineFae
All right reserved by Chaos
: Disclaimer :
Do not expose FelineFae to direct sunlight.
FelineFae cannot spell in any language.
Granting of Fae-Wishes VOID where prohibitededed.
Individual results may vary.


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:45:26 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		I agree about the game-playing ... been there, done that, don't wish to return.

I peeked at your profile - you're listed as 'switch'.  Some submissives don't like to partner with anyone who isn't sure of being fully Dominant.  It could be she's looking for someone with experience, who knows who he is and she isn't open to exploring.  Which could be her loss, because sometimes exploring is the fun part. 

My advice is to stick around, read a lot, do some thinking about what it is you want and go from there.  I know how it can be when you click with someone, and it abruptly comes to an end, but meeting face-to-face before becoming emotionally entangled is good advice. 

ETA:  (edited to add):  Hell, yes, there are those of us who enjoy and need and want the cuddles and romance that can go along with a relationship.  Not everyone is into it - as with everything else, finding someone who is should be your goal if it's something you need.

< Message edited by mc1234 -- 3/5/2009 11:48:14 AM >

_____________________________

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RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 11:45:27 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Do you really want a relationship where those kinds of games are played?


As LaTigresse says........... she might well be doing that, but the rather salient point is .....you don't know and you aren't playing around. It doesn't make any sense to me at all to make the whole *getting to know you* process any more difficult than it is......unless you're not terribly serious.

If she genuinely is interested in you SHE wouldn't want to blow it either.

agirl

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 12:02:57 PM   
SwankyPants


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline 		Gosh ... how nice are all you guys ... I honestly expected everyone to take the pi$$ and you all make a lot of sense .. big hugs and kisses, I'm feeling positive already  

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 12:07:51 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		We are not mean and nasty......all the time.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SwankyPants)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 12:10:40 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SwankyPants   
<snip>.… I'm very open minded enough, capable enough to be whoever she wants me to be. 


perhaps instead of trying to be whatever she wants you to be, she just wanted you to be yourself.   otherwise, it sounds like an act of desperation on your part.

(in reply to SwankyPants)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 12:11:19 PM   
FelineFae


Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline 		no one likes to see some one have their feelings jerked around. but still, "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me."

_____________________________

FelineFae
All right reserved by Chaos
: Disclaimer :
Do not expose FelineFae to direct sunlight.
FelineFae cannot spell in any language.
Granting of Fae-Wishes VOID where prohibitededed.
Individual results may vary.


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 12:33:50 PM   
SwankyPants


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline 		I'm definately not desperate ... and up till now I have only been myself .... but I'm mentally attracted to her and maybe its could be rewarding to change ... I dont mean my character and change should be more 'explore'

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwankyPants   
<snip>.… I'm very open minded enough, capable enough to be whoever she wants me to be. 


perhaps instead of trying to be whatever she wants you to be, she just wanted you to be yourself.   otherwise, it sounds like an act of desperation on your part.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 12:35:15 PM   
SwankyPants


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline 		Noy Sure what you mean ???

I dont hurt easily

quote:

ORIGINAL: FelineFae

no one likes to see some one have their feelings jerked around. but still, "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me."

(in reply to FelineFae)
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RE: I need guidance - 3/5/2009 12:46:20 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SwankyPants

Gosh ... how nice are all you guys ... I honestly expected everyone to take the pi$$ and you all make a lot of sense .. big hugs and kisses, I'm feeling positive already  


Maybe next time you will think twice before getting involved with a internet girl.  I mean you look old enuff to know better.

BadOne


_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to SwankyPants)
Profile   Post #: 20
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