RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (Full Version)

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Mercnbeth -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/7/2009 9:42:20 PM)

When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I....politely but firmly let them know I don't enjoy being a submissive and suggest they find a partner better suited to deal with their need to dominate a situation or individual. I attempt to part on good terms, wish them well; and go on with my life without them.  




greeneyedreamer -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/7/2009 11:46:46 PM)

quote:



{{{{{greeneyedreamer}}}}} pm me if you ever want to chat and need a buddy okay?


THANKS!!!!! I will take you up on that!




chamberqueen -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/8/2009 7:08:10 AM)

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

...remember what I read once about how most subs react to this and why it is wrong.  The article said that most subs start to feel insecure and to push for attention.  The Dom may be truly busy with other things, and if they start getting bombarded by emails asking them if the sub is good enough, throwing little fits, or threatening to walk their reaction my be that it just isn't worth the hassle.  From the Dom's shoes he may be thinking, "she has no idea of all of the pressures on me and she's just making things harder".  This particular article used this description as "sub frenzy" - the sub going into a frenzy because she feels that she isn't getting all of the attention that she wants so she pushes so hard that she can break the relationship; probably not the first time it happens but if it becomes a pattern. 

I keep up the normal amount of emails and surround myself with other things.  I talk with others in a similar role to mine, work on hobbies, and remember that as much as that man means to me he is not the only thing in my life.  Because I am spiritual I pray about it - that I have patience, that I not let what I have nicknamed "the ugly thoughts" (self destructive negative thinking) get to me, and that he is given help to get through whatever he is dealing with.  I don't let myself get carried away in a frenzy of thinking that he must not care for me, or that I am somehow not "good" enough to be given more attention, but realize that his life is just as full, if not more so, than mine with vanilla concerns and the need for quiet relaxation.




SirJ40 -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/8/2009 8:07:01 AM)

When a sub is bratty, argumentative, whatever, I'm  generally glad that sub's not Mine. LOL
She only acts out for fun. No, really. She enjoys our life, as it is.. we both do. There's no point in actually disappointing Me.. she did it once, and didn't enjoy it.
When she does it for fun.. I enjoy it too, so what the hell, right?




pissdoll -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/8/2009 8:12:21 AM)

quote:

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...


...leave.




MasterLark -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/8/2009 8:54:28 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark


The choice is yours to select...please complete the sentence(s).

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

I selected these situations because they appear to be a common complaint from each, crippling good communication and thriving BDSM relationships...or for some, breaking bad behavior and leading to a great relationship, eventually. The instant reaction to either of these may be to say -- I dump her/him. But is that what you actually do? Just wondering.



I suppose I should answer my own challenge, so I will, not that my answer needs to be your answer, but this is my thinking today.

The key word for me in the first sentence is a "argumentative."

ar·gu·men·ta·tive (ärgy-mnt-tv)
adj.
1. Given to arguing; disputatious.
2. Of or characterized by argument: an argumentative discourse.
argu·menta·tive·ly adv.
argu·menta·tive·ness n.
Synonyms: argumentative, combative, contentious, disputatious, quarrelsome, scrappy2
These adjectives mean given to or fond of arguing: an argumentative child; a combative teenager; a contentious mood; a disputatious lawyer; a quarrelsome drinker; a scrappy litigator.

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....find it a turnoff. I have to decide whether the pushback emanates from fear of the unknown or an family upbringing that fostered arguing to get attention, either of which needs to be challenged and changed, and is worth my time and energy, or not. If she is trying to truly understand and learn, ok, but if it is just deep-seated habit and style, I am done and leave.

In the second sentence, the key word for me is "repetitively" connected to "inattentive."

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to [a sub/slave] me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...advise a sub/slave to leave. Facing the decision to leave may enable her to clarify what is really going on and what is really important to her and whether he is really being repetitively inattentive or whether there are self defeating behavior conversations running rampant in her head that need to be silenced. Relationships require attention, as well as patience, in my view, to blossom; scant attention, scant patience and they wilt.




Prinsexx -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/8/2009 9:00:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

..

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...





-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...release myself and move on.It depends on how long you mean repetitively, but in my experience an old dog can't learn new tricks. I have stayed way past the sell by date, thought it all my own fault and taken the whip even though it has turned my stomach to submit to that person. It's damaging to stay beyond a certain point. Damaging. And I am en emotional masochist talking here. I do know the difference between my own masochism and simply taking shit though. I have good strong boundaries whatever my persona seems to have.





MarcEsadrian -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/8/2009 9:18:49 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark


The choice is yours to select...please complete the sentence(s).

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...




The key to doing it right, as others have indicated here, is clear and concise communication. This sounds like a rather banal answer, yes, but if one really looks into the study of communication, it's by no means an inadequate answer. When people communicate, they give and receive information to arrive upon better relational ground. The problem with a lot of what many pawn off as "communication" is really one-sided; there is not enough listening and taking to heart involved. I've often found "agendas" in the exchange of discourse, agendas to deflect, to manipulate, to brush things off, to make excuses, to not take things seriously (even when giving the appearance of doing so). All these things erode a relationship of any sort. In terms of D/s, there is an obvious flaw in a submissive who doesn't listen and absorb, but lack of communication, of understanding, of sincerity or effort on the part of the dominant party is just as subversive in the end.




Sexycelticlady -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/8/2009 4:43:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

...remember what I read once about how most subs react to this and why it is wrong.  The article said that most subs start to feel insecure and to push for attention.  The Dom may be truly busy with other things, and if they start getting bombarded by emails asking them if the sub is good enough, throwing little fits, or threatening to walk their reaction my be that it just isn't worth the hassle.  From the Dom's shoes he may be thinking, "she has no idea of all of the pressures on me and she's just making things harder".  This particular article used this description as "sub frenzy" - the sub going into a frenzy because she feels that she isn't getting all of the attention that she wants so she pushes so hard that she can break the relationship; probably not the first time it happens but if it becomes a pattern. 

I keep up the normal amount of emails and surround myself with other things.  I talk with others in a similar role to mine, work on hobbies, and remember that as much as that man means to me he is not the only thing in my life.  Because I am spiritual I pray about it - that I have patience, that I not let what I have nicknamed "the ugly thoughts" (self destructive negative thinking) get to me, and that he is given help to get through whatever he is dealing with.  I don't let myself get carried away in a frenzy of thinking that he must not care for me, or that I am somehow not "good" enough to be given more attention, but realize that his life is just as full, if not more so, than mine with vanilla concerns and the need for quiet relaxation.


This is an excellent post and I agree completely with the sentiments within.




LadyPact -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/8/2009 4:53:26 PM)

quote:

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....


I realize that sub is not the right one for Me in the first place. It's not a matter of releasing them.  It's more that I would never claim them to start with.




housemouseinoz -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/9/2009 2:59:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JulieElizabeth

..not very proud of this but maybe there are others out there who feel similar

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I... 


.. usually think it's something I've done or said..then I get paranoid thinking I'm not wanted anymore, remember that I'm not the most attractive person in the world and "who would want me anyway" attitude, then it gets to the point where I think they would rather spend their time with another *sigh* . . .  by this time I can't possibly think rationally or objectionably..  My Daddy says that I'm feeding my demons when I do this.  It's pretty sad, really.  But as soon as the assurance is given I'm usually good to go.   Something else I try to do is find other friends to chat with to help make the time go faster until he has time to talk to me.


JulieElizabeth, you could have written that for me........sadly.......i'm a good one for doing the paranoid thing and doubting myself and my place in Sir's life, it is one of my traits that i would happily be without.  He is very patient and also gives assurance. it's not a fun thing to do to yourself though, i agree :-(




agirl -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/9/2009 10:58:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

quote:



I've never been in that position. No-one who did that would actually have got as far as *mastering* me.

If it was to happen with M, I'd slip quietly away. I've never hung around people that aren't interested in me.

agirl




DavanKael -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/9/2009 11:09:41 AM)

When someone I am relating with on either side of the kneel (Or neither) is behaving in a way that is disaffirmational of the relationship, I attempt to have a conversation.  If the person is willing to work on the issues, dandy.  If they are not, I sometimes beat my head against a brick wall  but in the absence of meaningful change, I'm out. 
  Davan




WinsomeDefiance -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/9/2009 4:50:06 PM)

When a Master is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I... eventually accept that he is just 'not that into me' or simply incomptable with me, and wish him the (second) best..  I'd say the best but [:D] .....




NuevaVida -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/9/2009 11:04:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...



I'll second what agirl said.  I would slip quietly away.  I don't want to be with someone who isn't interested in being with me.




zero69u2 -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/10/2009 1:54:36 AM)

 When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy,

I thow her over my knee and spank her like a red-headed stepchild in wal-mart..

Put her on the naughty spot and give her some corner time.

argumentative (is really a touchy one. dominants don't argue with subs, Yet Alot of us like to argue (politics,religion,world view points and real world day to day) i love a good arguement especially if she's right, i'm wrong  I'll give her the point but if i'm right and she's wrong. some'times you have to hit the old www and show her the facts of the day.. that song was a beatles song before it became a nike commerical geez. President Lincoln did not free all the slaves.. he only free'd the blacks in the south.. Your still my girl...:)













hotandlonelynFTW -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/10/2009 10:09:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JulieElizabeth

..not very proud of this but maybe there are others out there who feel similar

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I... 


.. usually think it's something I've done or said..then I get paranoid thinking I'm not wanted anymore, remember that I'm not the most attractive person in the world and "who would want me anyway" attitude, then it gets to the point where I think they would rather spend their time with another *sigh* . . .  by this time I can't possibly think rationally or objectionably..  My Daddy says that I'm feeding my demons when I do this.  It's pretty sad, really.  But as soon as the assurance is given I'm usually good to go.   Something else I try to do is find other friends to chat with to help make the time go faster until he has time to talk to me.


YES! i was looking for these owrds which were escaping me to descibe how it is with my Daddy and this is exactly it. because i know if i am being ignored it IS probably something i have done or said. Daddy knows that ignoring me is the worst form of punishment and will bring me to tears faster than n e thing else. Has only ignored me twice in 8 months. once for being bratty and insubordinate (i told him he WASNT going to kick me out of bed and make me sleep in the floor or spare bedroom. and i kept repeatedly taunting him and it was almost 24 hrs later b4 he spoke to me and explained where i was wrong. the other time was when i went and played without getting permission.




feydeplume -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/11/2009 5:05:24 AM)

quote:

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....

I try to be understanding that they are going through some sort of internal ick. Then i whip out the tough love and they either sulk, deal with it, or move on out of my life.

quote:

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

Giggle myself sick in another room, then try to understand what is making them so hard to deal with. Again, deal, sulk, or exit my life is the usual trend. I have been known to offer them a spanking.

Yeah i know, but LadyP  said i could keep chugging the espresso!






eyesopened -> RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} (3/11/2009 5:25:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark
-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...


When I was seeking and when I would meet a Dominant and he was inattentive, poor at listening to me or discounting my expressed relationship needs or goals I would simply say something along the lines of we don't seem to be suited to each other and go no further.  There were only a couple of cases where this realization took more than the first couple of meetings.




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