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RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/7/2009 9:42:20 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I....politely but firmly let them know I don't enjoy being a submissive and suggest they find a partner better suited to deal with their need to dominate a situation or individual. I attempt to part on good terms, wish them well; and go on with my life without them.

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 21

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/7/2009 11:46:46 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

{{{{{greeneyedreamer}}}}} pm me if you ever want to chat and need a buddy okay?

THANKS!!!!! I will take you up on that!

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to JulieElizabeth)

Post #: 22

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/8/2009 7:08:10 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

...remember what I read once about how most subs react to this and why it is wrong. The article said that most subs start to feel insecure and to push for attention. The Dom may be truly busy with other things, and if they start getting bombarded by emails asking them if the sub is good enough, throwing little fits, or threatening to walk their reaction my be that it just isn't worth the hassle. From the Dom's shoes he may be thinking, "she has no idea of all of the pressures on me and she's just making things harder". This particular article used this description as "sub frenzy" - the sub going into a frenzy because she feels that she isn't getting all of the attention that she wants so she pushes so hard that she can break the relationship; probably not the first time it happens but if it becomes a pattern.

I keep up the normal amount of emails and surround myself with other things. I talk with others in a similar role to mine, work on hobbies, and remember that as much as that man means to me he is not the only thing in my life. Because I am spiritual I pray about it - that I have patience, that I not let what I have nicknamed "the ugly thoughts" (self destructive negative thinking) get to me, and that he is given help to get through whatever he is dealing with. I don't let myself get carried away in a frenzy of thinking that he must not care for me, or that I am somehow not "good" enough to be given more attention, but realize that his life is just as full, if not more so, than mine with vanilla concerns and the need for quiet relaxation.

_____________________________

(in reply to JulieElizabeth)

Post #: 23

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/8/2009 8:07:01 AM

SirJ40

Posts: 164
Joined: 12/21/2008
Status: offline

When a sub is bratty, argumentative, whatever, I'm generally glad that sub's not Mine. LOL
She only acts out for fun. No, really. She enjoys our life, as it is.. we both do. There's no point in actually disappointing Me.. she did it once, and didn't enjoy it.
When she does it for fun.. I enjoy it too, so what the hell, right?

(in reply to JulieElizabeth)

Post #: 24

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/8/2009 8:12:21 AM

pissdoll

Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

...leave.

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 25

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/8/2009 8:54:28 AM

MasterLark

Posts: 249
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

The choice is yours to select...please complete the sentence(s).

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

I selected these situations because they appear to be a common complaint from each, crippling good communication and thriving BDSM relationships...or for some, breaking bad behavior and leading to a great relationship, eventually. The instant reaction to either of these may be to say -- I dump her/him. But is that what you actually do? Just wondering.

I suppose I should answer my own challenge, so I will, not that my answer needs to be your answer, but this is my thinking today.

The key word for me in the first sentence is a "argumentative."

ar·gu·men·ta·tive (ärgy-mnt-tv)
adj.
1. Given to arguing; disputatious.
2. Of or characterized by argument: an argumentative discourse.
argu·menta·tive·ly adv.
argu·menta·tive·ness n.
Synonyms: argumentative, combative, contentious, disputatious, quarrelsome, scrappy2
These adjectives mean given to or fond of arguing: an argumentative child; a combative teenager; a contentious mood; a disputatious lawyer; a quarrelsome drinker; a scrappy litigator.

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....find it a turnoff. I have to decide whether the pushback emanates from fear of the unknown or an family upbringing that fostered arguing to get attention, either of which needs to be challenged and changed, and is worth my time and energy, or not. If she is trying to truly understand and learn, ok, but if it is just deep-seated habit and style, I am done and leave.

In the second sentence, the key word for me is "repetitively" connected to "inattentive."

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to [a sub/slave] me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...advise a sub/slave to leave. Facing the decision to leave may enable her to clarify what is really going on and what is really important to her and whether he is really being repetitively inattentive or whether there are self defeating behavior conversations running rampant in her head that need to be silenced. Relationships require attention, as well as patience, in my view, to blossom; scant attention, scant patience and they wilt.

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 26

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/8/2009 9:00:38 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

..

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...release myself and move on.It depends on how long you mean repetitively, but in my experience an old dog can't learn new tricks. I have stayed way past the sell by date, thought it all my own fault and taken the whip even though it has turned my stomach to submit to that person. It's damaging to stay beyond a certain point. Damaging. And I am en emotional masochist talking here. I do know the difference between my own masochism and simply taking shit though. I have good strong boundaries whatever my persona seems to have.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 3/8/2009 9:04:47 AM >

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 27

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/8/2009 9:18:49 AM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

The choice is yours to select...please complete the sentence(s).

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

The key to doing it right, as others have indicated here, is clear and concise communication. This sounds like a rather banal answer, yes, but if one really looks into the study of communication, it's by no means an inadequate answer. When people communicate, they give and receive information to arrive upon better relational ground. The problem with a lot of what many pawn off as "communication" is really one-sided; there is not enough listening and taking to heart involved. I've often found "agendas" in the exchange of discourse, agendas to deflect, to manipulate, to brush things off, to make excuses, to not take things seriously (even when giving the appearance of doing so). All these things erode a relationship of any sort. In terms of D/s, there is an obvious flaw in a submissive who doesn't listen and absorb, but lack of communication, of understanding, of sincerity or effort on the part of the dominant party is just as subversive in the end.

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 28

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/8/2009 4:43:11 PM

Sexycelticlady

Posts: 112
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

...remember what I read once about how most subs react to this and why it is wrong. The article said that most subs start to feel insecure and to push for attention. The Dom may be truly busy with other things, and if they start getting bombarded by emails asking them if the sub is good enough, throwing little fits, or threatening to walk their reaction my be that it just isn't worth the hassle. From the Dom's shoes he may be thinking, "she has no idea of all of the pressures on me and she's just making things harder". This particular article used this description as "sub frenzy" - the sub going into a frenzy because she feels that she isn't getting all of the attention that she wants so she pushes so hard that she can break the relationship; probably not the first time it happens but if it becomes a pattern.

I keep up the normal amount of emails and surround myself with other things. I talk with others in a similar role to mine, work on hobbies, and remember that as much as that man means to me he is not the only thing in my life. Because I am spiritual I pray about it - that I have patience, that I not let what I have nicknamed "the ugly thoughts" (self destructive negative thinking) get to me, and that he is given help to get through whatever he is dealing with. I don't let myself get carried away in a frenzy of thinking that he must not care for me, or that I am somehow not "good" enough to be given more attention, but realize that his life is just as full, if not more so, than mine with vanilla concerns and the need for quiet relaxation.

This is an excellent post and I agree completely with the sentiments within.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 29

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/8/2009 4:53:26 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....

I realize that sub is not the right one for Me in the first place. It's not a matter of releasing them. It's more that I would never claim them to start with.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 30

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/9/2009 2:59:15 AM

housemouseinoz

Posts: 83
Joined: 2/3/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JulieElizabeth

..not very proud of this but maybe there are others out there who feel similar

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

.. usually think it's something I've done or said..then I get paranoid thinking I'm not wanted anymore, remember that I'm not the most attractive person in the world and "who would want me anyway" attitude, then it gets to the point where I think they would rather spend their time with another *sigh* . . . by this time I can't possibly think rationally or objectionably.. My Daddy says that I'm feeding my demons when I do this. It's pretty sad, really. But as soon as the assurance is given I'm usually good to go. Something else I try to do is find other friends to chat with to help make the time go faster until he has time to talk to me.

JulieElizabeth, you could have written that for me........sadly.......i'm a good one for doing the paranoid thing and doubting myself and my place in Sir's life, it is one of my traits that i would happily be without. He is very patient and also gives assurance. it's not a fun thing to do to yourself though, i agree :-(

< Message edited by housemouseinoz -- 3/9/2009 3:01:22 AM >

(in reply to JulieElizabeth)

Post #: 31

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/9/2009 10:58:03 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

quote:

I've never been in that position. No-one who did that would actually have got as far as *mastering* me.

If it was to happen with M, I'd slip quietly away. I've never hung around people that aren't interested in me.

agirl

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 32

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/9/2009 11:09:41 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

When someone I am relating with on either side of the kneel (Or neither) is behaving in a way that is disaffirmational of the relationship, I attempt to have a conversation. If the person is willing to work on the issues, dandy. If they are not, I sometimes beat my head against a brick wall but in the absence of meaningful change, I'm out.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to JulieElizabeth)

Post #: 33

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/9/2009 4:50:06 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

When a Master is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I... eventually accept that he is just 'not that into me' or simply incomptable with me, and wish him the (second) best.. I'd say the best but

.....

(in reply to JulieElizabeth)

Post #: 34

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/9/2009 11:04:30 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

I'll second what agirl said. I would slip quietly away. I don't want to be with someone who isn't interested in being with me.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 35

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/10/2009 1:54:36 AM

zero69u2

Posts: 107
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy,

I thow her over my knee and spank her like a red-headed stepchild in wal-mart..

Put her on the naughty spot and give her some corner time.

argumentative (is really a touchy one. dominants don't argue with subs, Yet Alot of us like to argue (politics,religion,world view points and real world day to day) i love a good arguement especially if she's right, i'm wrong I'll give her the point but if i'm right and she's wrong. some'times you have to hit the old www and show her the facts of the day.. that song was a beatles song before it became a nike commerical geez. President Lincoln did not free all the slaves.. he only free'd the blacks in the south.. Your still my girl...:)

(in reply to JulieElizabeth)

Post #: 36

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/10/2009 10:09:28 PM

hotandlonelynFTW

Posts: 21
Joined: 11/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JulieElizabeth

..not very proud of this but maybe there are others out there who feel similar

When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

.. usually think it's something I've done or said..then I get paranoid thinking I'm not wanted anymore, remember that I'm not the most attractive person in the world and "who would want me anyway" attitude, then it gets to the point where I think they would rather spend their time with another *sigh* . . . by this time I can't possibly think rationally or objectionably.. My Daddy says that I'm feeding my demons when I do this. It's pretty sad, really. But as soon as the assurance is given I'm usually good to go. Something else I try to do is find other friends to chat with to help make the time go faster until he has time to talk to me.

YES! i was looking for these owrds which were escaping me to descibe how it is with my Daddy and this is exactly it. because i know if i am being ignored it IS probably something i have done or said. Daddy knows that ignoring me is the worst form of punishment and will bring me to tears faster than n e thing else. Has only ignored me twice in 8 months. once for being bratty and insubordinate (i told him he WASNT going to kick me out of bed and make me sleep in the floor or spare bedroom. and i kept repeatedly taunting him and it was almost 24 hrs later b4 he spoke to me and explained where i was wrong. the other time was when i went and played without getting permission.

(in reply to JulieElizabeth)

Post #: 37

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/11/2009 5:05:24 AM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

-- When a sub/slave is argumentative, sassy, bratty, pushy, I.....

I try to be understanding that they are going through some sort of internal ick. Then i whip out the tough love and they either sulk, deal with it, or move on out of my life.

quote:

-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

Giggle myself sick in another room, then try to understand what is making them so hard to deal with. Again, deal, sulk, or exit my life is the usual trend. I have been known to offer them a spanking.

Yeah i know, but LadyP said i could keep chugging the espresso!

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 38

RE: WHEN [*] is, I... {common complaints} - 3/11/2009 5:25:35 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLark
-- When a Master/Dom/Mistress/Domme is repetitively inattentive to me, poor at listening to what I express, ignoring my core needs, I...

When I was seeking and when I would meet a Dominant and he was inattentive, poor at listening to me or discounting my expressed relationship needs or goals I would simply say something along the lines of we don't seem to be suited to each other and go no further. There were only a couple of cases where this realization took more than the first couple of meetings.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 39

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