It's when you asked not what you said.. (Full Version)

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Lashra -> It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 11:36:17 AM)

My sub and I were having a fantastic weekend. We were playing on Saturday night, he was on the bed and I was using my crop and flogger on him. When I was done and waited a few minutes, I had him get onto his knees for more play. He put his hand to his stomach (he'd been having bad, painful gas pains earlier). I asked him if he was alright. He gave me a curt "I'm fine" answer, but the distress on his face said otherwise.

I sat down and told him to sit next to me on the bed. I started to talk to him about what was bothering him, he kept giving me this quick "I'm fine" answer, but was still holding his stomach. I could tell that something was not right. So I tried to further question him about what was upsetting his stomach, as it seems every time we play he has a problem with his stomach. My first question was "do you think its something that you ate?" He said "No"  I said is something that we are doing making your stomach upset? He again replied "No".

What I wanted to see is if I could find out the WHY of him having a stomach problems nearly every time we play. So I started to dig and said "Is something we are playing making you feel uncomfortable". Well he blew up and said I was frustrating him and it was making him angry. He wanted to go out for a walk, but in full makeup I thought it a bad idea and told him "No". So he laid down next to me and I tried to talk to him. But other than one word answers he was not going to talk. So he covered up his head and laid like that all night long, every so often commenting how he "always fucks things up".

The next morning he was more talkative and admitted that he gets so into being "perfect" that he worries himself into an upset stomach which, puts a damper on our play somewhat when it happens.

My question is this, should I have not stopped the play and kept on going regardless of what his body language was saying? His point was I should not have stopped the play to ask him anything, I should have waited until after. I saw he was in distress and did what I thought was best.  What do you think?

~Lashra



GreedyTop -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 11:49:31 AM)

Personally, I'd have done what you did.  I'd much rather err on the side of caution.



Lockit -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 11:55:20 AM)

I think you did the right thing.  How could you have done anything else?  It seems a good thing that this happened as it did becasue now you have some answer's you didn't have before.  He has to learn to deal with all of this... and just continuing might have just kept the process of his upset and fears a continuous thing.



MistressFaye1 -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 12:09:24 PM)

Yes, I agree...you did the right thing.  It appears that the stomachaches he's having are being caused by anxiety.  Assure him that as long as he's giving you his best, you're pleased with his effort.  When he has that reassurance, hopefully he'll stop putting pressure on himself to be perfect and end the "performance anxiety" and hopefully the stomaches will vanish.

It almost sounds like male performance anxiety that effects a man's ability to maintain an erection.  The anxiety hinders the performance vs. the inability to perform. His "performance" anxiety seems to be causing a negative physical reaction (stomachache).

Ms. Faye



Lashra -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 12:17:50 PM)

quote:

It appears that the stomachaches he's having are being caused by anxiety.
I agree with this totally as I've seen him get a stomachache from other situations that cause him anxiety. I am going to work with him on it.

Thank you everyone for your help.

~Lashra



lilsubrt -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 12:17:55 PM)

Lashra,

    You most definitely did the right thing, Safety First Always. In so far as his " worry " issues, as one who has had them and literally would pass out from them, they can be Harsh. One question that should be asked, does he have them in any other part of his life? If so, he may need some therapy to help him better deal with them. If Not, perhaps during Your play You might try reassuring him more, he didn't seem to get that You were Pleased and that all should have been fine. Also, in the better living through chemistry vein, You might try an acid blocker or antacid to help You/him out.

Good Luck and Hope All Goes Well,
lilsubrt




Lockit -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 12:27:58 PM)

Sometimes when stress in any area of life is up... we become more sensitive to other things or insecure and doubt ourselves.  If this is a new development, I would be looking at all sorts of things he could be stressed over.  One thing might be feeding into another.  Like when you lose a job or can't find one or are worried about things. 

Also, I have noticed with some I have known... the more in love they are, the more it matters to them to be it all.  They start feeling more vulnerable.



PeonForHer -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 12:30:40 PM)

The next morning he was more talkative and admitted that he gets so into being "perfect" that he worries himself into an upset stomach which, puts a damper on our play somewhat when it happens.
 
Lashra, that sounds entirely authentic.  I do think men are apt to BS themselves that they feel OK about things when they really don't.  That can certainly manifest itself in stomach cramps.  I'd say you did the right thing. 






MsAlaria -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 12:36:54 PM)

You absolutely did the right thing.  Even when their words tell us otherwise, we should watch body language very closely.  Too often they don't want to cause us displeasure by "stopping the play" even when it shouldn't be continued.  He may feel bad that you stopped because of his distress, but think of the what if's if you hadn't, especially not knowing what exactly was going on.  To prevent it in the future, you need to get at the heart of his wanting to be perfect, so much so that it causes him physical distress.  



Politesub53 -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 12:37:08 PM)

Hi Maam, I would rather be with someone who can see I am in distress and stops, regardless of me saying I am fine. As Peon said men are apt to fool themselves into the everything is fine routine. I am sure deep down your submissive knows you did the right thing, and is thankful for it.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 1:22:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

My question is this, should I have not stopped the play and kept on going regardless of what his body language was saying? His point was I should not have stopped the play to ask him anything, I should have waited until after. I saw he was in distress and did what I thought was best.  What do you think?


You did do exactly  the right thing. As Lockit says, what else could you have done? I know it's paradoxical, but sometimes doing the right thing still leads to a worse short-term outcome than if we'd done the wrong thing. In this case, if you'd gone against your better judgment and played through, things would probably have turned out better for everyone at that moment, but you had no way of knowing that, so you did the safe, responsible thing. Nobody can ever be faulted for that.

It's up to him to stay connected to his emotions and his feelings, and to communicate to you anything you need to know. You gave him that chance, and for whatever reason, he was unable to do it at that time and in that circumstance. It sounds to me as though this is one of those things that, once you started wondering about it, you weren't going to be able to let go of it until you knew what was going on. You can't be blamed for that. Look at it this way - one way or the other, you guys have now brought to light a crucial relationship issue that you both now see has to be addressed. And you now have the opportunity to deal with it and fix it out of scene. It's unfortunate that this issue came to a head at the cost of an evening's play, but on the other hand it's only one evening, and sometimes it takes a bit of miscommunication like that to bring a problem out into a brighter light.  Now you can both move forward with it, which you could not be doing had this not happened. 



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 1:24:31 PM)

I agree with most of the responses above.    I would never continue most anything I'm doing, if my partner were in distress that is outside of normal or expected response to what I'm doing.   M



MissMorrigan -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 2:09:12 PM)

Lashra, you handled the situation to your credit. I have experienced something similar with Reality, but not with stomach aches. It's pretty common for anxious people to respond similarly when they are in a situation that takes them out of their comfort zone and for them, it's a natural reaction, albeit for them an embarrassing one. When Reality first came to me he would become so anxious that he'd sweat excessively and to the point he'd actually faint. Play for us was fairly gentle initially as this was his first bdsm-based relationship and after the first fainting I would discontinue play the moment he showed any signs indicating distress, he'd blow up due to disappointment, feeling as if he'd let me down and then become angry as he felt I'd been too 'light' on him, he'd then feel guilty about his reactions. All reactions are natural to a person who doesn't feel in control either of themselves or the situation they are in. Taking play between us at a much slower pace, lots of open communication and reassurance to the point where instead of saying he trusted me, he reached the point where he believed that he did, and Reality no longer has these panic attacks.  Talking openly really does help, often it's a learned behavioural trait which can be unlearned which takes a lot of time and patience.



HeavansKeeper -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 2:11:44 PM)

Lashra,

Quickly, I agree with your actions.

I wanted to add that when I'm nervous or anxious, I get fairly queasy, unsettled, almost loose stomach. This is usually when I'm driving somewhere where I'll be out of my element... Like the first time I went to a rave or a new job interview. I could only imagine how this would conflict with a D/s experience.

Even in a lifestyle devoted to the acceptance of others regarding "abnormal" sexual behavior, there are taboos. His needs, regarding gastrointestinal issues, should be dealt with in a caring, but more importantly supportive and accepting way. His body is human, just like all of ours.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 2:15:17 PM)

In the interest of safety, I would do exactly the same thing. Let him know, too, that playing under that much anxiety isn't healthy for him and can cause a lot of problems from adrenal exhaustion to a hypertensive incident, so it is important to work through the issues that are causing enough anxiety to make him physically ill.



lobodomslavery -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 2:16:33 PM)

Good on you Lashra. You did the right thing. Better safe than sorry in these matters
kevin



LadyPact -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 2:30:38 PM)

Lashara, I have to agree with everyone else.  You did the right thing.  You put your sub's physical and emotional well being above play.  Yes, it may have disappointed him that the scene didn't go through.  Talking about that the following day and getting to the root of the matter should have helped to curb that a bit.

Playing is never as important as the person you are playing with.  I'm glad your submissive has someone on the other side of the kneel who knows that.



YoursMistress -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 3:07:01 PM)

Miss Lashra,

It is exactly this kind of communication that I look at as a model for (hopefully) my own future relationships.  The actions of your sub seem awfully familiar to me.  To have someone who cares enough to listen as actively as you did would be such a delight. Hearing all of the fine ladies of this board echoing the same sentiments accentuates that I am in the right place looking for answers.   Thanks for the post. 

yours



slvemike4u -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 3:26:15 PM)

As an unattached and searching sub/slave type all I can say is I hope someday to be owned by One who cares as much,and is as mindful of what I am going thru as I serve her....Your slave is a very lucky man...



MissLaura1973 -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/8/2009 3:46:34 PM)

I really cannot add much here, other than to say that I believe you did the right thing in stopping the play - you did what you thought was right and best for him and for yourself. I don't think you would have been enjoying yourself if you continued playing, as you'd constantly be wondering about what was happening in his mind and with his body. You *did* exactly what a good dominant does - you were aware that there was something going on that wasn't right and you decided to address that issue rather than ignoring it.



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