RE: It's when you asked not what you said..

RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (Full Version)

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subinchico -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/9/2009 6:21:47 PM)
Darn it! And I thought you might have been the one I've been looking for all my life! LOL! Have a great day! quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit When someone's immune system is under attack, I am not going to be taxing it more with bruises or heavy anything. It is time for some homemade chicken soup, submissive nuturing and loving up so that he can be well and ready to play far more than when he was feeling poorly. I don't find anything pleasent, enjoyable or kinky about hittin a man when he is down. That's like kicking a puppy. I think he can find better ways to challenge himself on what he can take and do and I have far better ways for him to roar with me. He can't very well be beastly the way I like if he is sickly.

Lockit -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/9/2009 6:35:25 PM)
Yeah, I bet I was... My mom had this saying... I don't like it... but somehow it seems fitting here. She always said... If you want to be a bitch to someone in a room full of people... do it with a smile on your face and that way no one knows you are being a bitch to them. I like it when they do it with a stern look... becasue then it is honest and raw... down right... nitty gritty! Oh yeah... I guess I am a bit sadistic...

Huntertn -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/9/2009 7:25:26 PM)
first you stoped the play..then you gave him a chance to talk..then you protected him from possible harm walking uutside like that..then the next day you diin't let it go..but got him talking..and your going to follow up with ways to help him.....100 % correct...period..I can't think of anything else you could have done...except maybe see that he goes to a Dr. for stress release and I'm not sure he'd accept that yet

MsEmpwr2 -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/9/2009 7:40:38 PM)
Lashra, I would have stopped as well. You needed to assess what was happening to determine what would happen next. I think you acted very responsibly. I hope things work out with this in the future for you. Take care, Celeste

MaamJay -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/10/2009 6:46:59 PM)
Totally with the rest in agreement that You took the right course of action Lashra. If I recall rightly, and apologies if I don't, Your sub was once a Dominant? In which case, I can see why he might put so much pressure on himself to submit "perfectly", for he'd be holding himself to the high standards he once set for others. Just remind him that the definition of a perfectionist is one who takes great pains ... and gives them to others! Or in his case, the one who puts himself in pain and then causes someone else to worry about that. While I agree also that You would have wanted more forthcoming communication, I can also understand that some guys simply get to a state where one word answers is all they can conjure up. Especially if he was in some level of subspace from the play before the pains came back. However, by the next day I would hope he would be able to be more expressive and more prepared to talk through the anxiety and what triggers it off. Try to find out if there's anything You do that creates this onus of perfectionism on him (could be something very innocent that You say) or whether it is entirely self-inflicted. Good luck and I agree, Your sub is very lucky to be Yours! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

Lashra -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/11/2009 3:30:10 AM)
quote: Your sub was once a Dominant? You are correct he was a gorean Master at one time. So it is very difficult for him to talk about things openly at times. We are working on the communication and he has gotten much better at expressing himself. You are also right about males using one word answers in many situations and being in subspace. When he is in deep subspace he has a very difficult time speaking and although he was not in deep subspace at the time this happened, he was out there. So reflecting back on it now I can see why he was frustrated and having a difficult time processing what was going on. ~Lashra

LadyMerrisa -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/11/2009 12:05:50 PM)
Like everyone else here, I will say that you did the only thing, that was right in this type of situation. You are very reasonable and responsible Domme. Your sub is a really lucky guy ;-) Men often prefere to keep their discomforts or sickness for themselves, in order to prove themselves how strong they are (you've mentioned, that your sub was gorean Master once, so I think it is much harder for him, to admit to his own frailty). It's truth, that you have a lot to work with on the communication field, but it's great that your submissive can always count on You. I'll bet that deep inside, he's grateful that You've stopped (even if he never admit to this either ;-). Greetings!

BoiJen -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/11/2009 12:25:53 PM)
I gotta say...the last time I actively saw that kind of attitude the guy was an ass and was covering up for his cheating on someone. That's my experience. If this continues I would suggest looking at what's going...not suggesting anything but seriously...uncommunicative during anything ain't cool. Now I don't like to talk during play either but MsKitty needs to know what's going on so we created language around that that feeds into the scene... She gets worried "Can you take more for Me?" "Yes, Ma'am I can take more for You" instead of a grunt or "Sure" Just a suggestion.... boi

LadyPact -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/11/2009 12:29:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyMerrisa Men often prefere to keep their discomforts or sickness for themselves, Greetings! Obviously, you have never lived with any male inflicted with the common cold.

LadyMerrisa -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/12/2009 3:33:59 AM)
Obviously, you have never lived with any male inflicted with the common cold. Hmm...I am living with one right now. He is trying very hard to look like a heroe, unmoved by the illness ^-^ And that's why I wrote, that men "prefere" to keep their discomforts for themselves. I'm not claiming, that they are always succeed in it :-P

PeonForHer -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/12/2009 4:01:01 AM)
God, if I had a cold when I was with my ex, she'd fuss me to death over it. If had thorn in my thumb, she'd want to call an ambulance. I ended up hiding illnesses sometimes.

Lashra -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/12/2009 4:39:43 AM)
quote: I ended up hiding illnesses sometimes. Yeah and I think after awhile this might erode the foundation of trust in a relationship. The reason I say this is that he (my sub)told me that his ex-slave used to hide illnesses from him and it was part of the reason that he never trusted her. If he has a cold he will survive and he can take care of himself, but showing physical distress during playtime is quite another thing, at least in my mind. ~Lashra

MadameMarque -> RE: It's when you asked not what you said.. (3/12/2009 5:22:29 AM)
Thing is, your submissive may think, if only you'd sensed that it was "just" him experiencing something psychological, and continued, everything would have been fine. He was so disturbed by something that it was making him physically ill, but if only you'd just let him keep to himself what was going on inside of him, while you were having the scene, you wouldn't have "interrupted" the scene. But "if only" you'd known exactly that, of course it would have been every bit as much the reason to pause and check in, as if it were physical distress. He may feel that "if only" you hadn't forced him to talk about it, he wouldn't have to feel the scene was ruined, which bites at his perfectionism and may make him feel guilty and imperfect. Dealing with everything that happens during a scene, is part of the scene. It is the scene. You're in the scene together. You're on each other's side. But in his perfectionism, he's competing by himself, against his own expectations. In that frame of mind, stopping to talk about 'is he okay,' probably feels like crowding him, too touchy-feely, when he's all pumped up and determined to continue. This POV in him, to be competitive when in scene, in role, (not competing with you, but for "perfection") may not be something that would change in him, and maybe it's got it's good side. There can be a hormonally charged, libido-driven, lusty thing about it. But I think there's room for both sides of the experience - you might say that he is still competing, but you two are a team, as well, and you work together toward the best. There's no shame in your team mate knowing when you're in a patch of trouble, so together, you can deal, and then it's onward! I will say this - if someone wants to get away, as he wanted to do, by going out, I would say, let them (assuming they're not hysterical or some such). Let him wash his makeup off, of course, then let them have their space, long enough to get past a wave of emotion that they'd rather not act out upon, when they are feeling crowded.

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