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Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 7:09:45 AM

Ihmenjo

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/18/2007
Status: offline

This may be a very odd topic, and I'm sure has come up before, but I was wondering if anyone has input on this.

I entered the lifestyle through an interest in bondage, so for me, it has always been "bondage first, dominate later." The more that I involved myself in the lifestyle, through readings and my own research into it, I've found that I rather like the idea of being in the position of a dominant. That doesn't mean that I want to go all out to the point of total personal enslavement or anything, but that I like the lifestyle for what I've understood it to mean.

That being said, I've always viewed my role as a very gentle sort of role. I'm quite vanilla when it comes to the lifestyle - mainly due to inexperience. I'm still exploring a lot of what makes me a dominant and how I think that I fill that role, but I'm quite sure that I want to fill that role. I just want to know if there is anything in particular that can help me, because most of the dominants I see aren't really in the same boat as me (though, I'm quite certain that there are many who are!).

Post #: 1

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 7:11:09 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Attend munches, events, and workshops. It may require some travel.

Good luck!

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 2

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 7:17:44 AM

Valyraen

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ihmenjo

This may be a very odd topic, and I'm sure has come up before, but I was wondering if anyone has input on this.

I entered the lifestyle through an interest in bondage, so for me, it has always been "bondage first, dominate later." The more that I involved myself in the lifestyle, through readings and my own research into it, I've found that I rather like the idea of being in the position of a dominant. That doesn't mean that I want to go all out to the point of total personal enslavement or anything, but that I like the lifestyle for what I've understood it to mean.

That being said, I've always viewed my role as a very gentle sort of role. I'm quite vanilla when it comes to the lifestyle - mainly due to inexperience. I'm still exploring a lot of what makes me a dominant and how I think that I fill that role, but I'm quite sure that I want to fill that role. I just want to know if there is anything in particular that can help me, because most of the dominants I see aren't really in the same boat as me (though, I'm quite certain that there are many who are!).

Let me just go ahead and second what GreedyTop said - get out there and meet some fellow kinksters! It's fine to learn things in your head and to figure things out internally, but the best advice that I can give is to get out into your local scene. When Kitten and I first got together and I got my introduction to BDSM, I could easily picture someone being flogged... actually seeing a flogging was a totally different experience. In short, reading and research is all very well and good, but it doesn't help you learn how you prefer to hold a flogger, and this lifestyle is, to me, very much a learn-by-doing sort of thing.

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(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 3

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 7:18:37 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*waves at Val*

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Valyraen)

Post #: 4

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 7:22:05 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

It's not an old topic at all. GT is absolutely right. Learn.

I'm really not that much different than you in concept. I started out with a love of protocol and later embraced sadism. It's not that unusual to start on one path and find more things you enjoy as you go along. That's just part of growing and exploring, no matter where the journey began or where it leads.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 5

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 8:25:44 AM

sojourner9

Posts: 22
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline

Read everything to you can

Go to munches.
Ask questions on forum groups.
Talk to everyone you can.

Find someone to explore with, and try things out. Repeat what you like, don't bother with stuff you don't.

It may be the first few people you get into a D/s relationship with don't work out over time, especially if you are both exploring what you like and what you don't. Don't let that bother you - take it as a learning experience to grow from. The more you know about what it is you like, the better you'll be able to find someone who is a better match for you.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 6

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 10:29:41 AM

MasterRaid

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/16/2008
From: The Brink of insanity.
Status: offline

I cannot add much more than what has already been said. The best teacher in life is experience. But I would add some material to your search. Whereas many explore BDSM itself to learn their style of Dominance and how to be a better Dom I would suggest some Nilla things as well. Like some psychology corses. I do not mean to go and get a degree nor do I mean to simply read a book and think you know how the sub mind works. But adding some reading and a corse here and there does help to understand the why and how some subs do the things they do. I would also suggest finding a Dominant that you trust to learn from. Many times you will learn something from a seasoned Dominant that you never thought of before.

_____________________________

First rule in dealing with the Devil............................
..................................................................DON'T!

(in reply to sojourner9)

Post #: 7

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 1:55:26 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

I don't think it's a learned behavior. You either want to be in charge or you don't going to a munch ain't going to help improve that skill set.. Leadership training now that is entirely different subject. There are a ton of books on that and they have nothing to do with BDSM. Enjoi the journey.

BadOne

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Post #: 8

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 2:51:53 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

You've already got a lot of people telling you eat the world. Read whatever you can get your hands on, ask all the questions you can think of, gather all the input you can. That's great advice, and you'll learn a lot.

A lot of stuff you'll like. A lot of stuff you won't like. It's a grab bag - take what you like, leave the rest.

Lets say you enjoy bondage and sex, but not domination or humiliation. There is a girl for you.
Lets say you enjoy humiliation and bondage, but not training or much physical contact. There is a girl for you.

The stranger the combination, the longer it may take to find a compatible partner, but there is something for everyone.

Personally, I would start with getting a firm understanding of the ethics in power exchange. SSC/RACK are good acronyms to start with. Understand safewords and aftercare. After that, start looking over the buffet... Read smut, watch porn, visit 4chan - expand your horizons and keep an open mind.

That's the order I did things and feel very comfortable with where I am in this lifestyle and my relationships.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 9

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 4:35:11 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

Dang..they covered it too well..nothing much left to say..lol

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 10

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 7:41:35 PM

Interesdom

Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline

The only thing I would add to the wise words gone before is to not try to make yourself into anything that you are not.

I do not mean that you shouldn't try out new things, preferably more than once, to discover if you like it. It does mean that just because you like the idea of being 'a dominant' do not push yourself to keep doing things that don't thrill you.

Being partially, mostly or even completely vanilla is acceptable and attractive to the right people. Not being yourself is attractive to no-one.

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 11

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/9/2009 7:55:57 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Internal examination and self-insight are, I think, extremely important as well as the augmentationof natural inclination with exogenous learning. Holism! :>
Davan

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 12

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/10/2009 6:40:19 AM

Ihmenjo

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/18/2007
Status: offline

Well, I like the idea of being a dominant... it's just more of a role that I fell into rather than assuming it myself. Now, let me actually explain that, though!

I had always been interested in bondage, as I think I've said. Over time, I found that I enjoy being the dominant in a relationship because I usually tend to take charge. I've never actually like being in a leadership position because it puts the pressure of "if something goes wrong, I'm to blame" position (yay military school). Regardless, I liked that position because the people under me usually felt that they could come to me with problems.
I like being a dominant because it gives me the opportunity to teach.

Now, as for munches, I've heard of them, but I've never really been one to go to them. For me, it's awkward, as someone who's just recently gotten into the lifestyle to actually be public about it. Further, it's a bit difficult for me to actually get to one for a number of reasons.
Forum groups... well, I think that's covered here. I also do talk to a lot of people. I'm currently learning things about the girl I'm currently with to determine what sort of impact/role that domination/submission will take in our relationship. She wants to include it, so do I, now it's just a question as to the extent of which it will be.

I guess, I'm just wondering if "gentle" is really a style of domination... yes, it has very vanilla leanings, but it's where I feel most comfortable. Perhaps I just need to define gentle... >_<

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 13

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/10/2009 7:08:47 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

There is no hard and fast rule, hon... it's what works for YOU and your partner.

May I suggest picking up a copy of The LOving Dominant (by John Warren). Also, Screw the Roses (Molly Devon). If you look up posts by MasterFireMAam, I believe she has a link to some excellent reading material. There have also been several threads about BDSM reading.

(use the search function at the top of the window)

Good luck! And above all... HAVE FUN!!

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 14

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/10/2009 12:36:28 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I'm quite vanilla when it comes to the lifestyle - mainly due to inexperience.

The two are not connected.

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 15

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/10/2009 2:19:46 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ihmenjo
I had always been interested in bondage, as I think I've said.

Now, as for munches, I've heard of them, but I've never really been one to go to them. For me, it's awkward, as someone who's just recently gotten into the lifestyle to actually be public about it. Further, it's a bit difficult for me to actually get to one for a number of reasons.

Dude, in the wider terms of the internet, you're really just a hop, skip, and a jump from Me. Have to tell you, the kinky folks in your area are a complete blast! I know people who would be thrilled to have the opportunities to learn from some of these people. Not to mention, they are fantastic people just to be around.

It's not like you have to go to a munch if you don't want to. If you do want to, just go and be yourself. It's ok to go and say that you're just starting out. We all did that at one time or another. It's just dinner in a vanilla location with people who happen to have kinky interests. Nobody expects anything from you, other than "hello."

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 16

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/10/2009 6:40:09 PM

MasterRaid

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/16/2008
From: The Brink of insanity.
Status: offline

quote:

Now, as for munches, I've heard of them, but I've never really been one to go to them. For me, it's awkward, as someone who's just recently gotten into the lifestyle to actually be public about it.

Ihmenjo, quick word on munches. All they are is a gathering of like minded people. And to be honest unless your going to a group munch who like to be parading around in leather flaming the flag of flaggelation, you will find that many in the lifestyle prefer to just hang out and get along. I remember one time in a munch at a local "Family" oriented restaurant, the group was approached by a woman who asked who we were and why we were gathered. We all nearly unanimously responded with "We are a local community group who like to get together from time to time." No lying and no info there but the woman was satisfied and the day went uneventful from then on. As far as the people you will meet and what you will do? Boring hum drumm really like just hanging at the bar with freinds or perspective new ones. Munches are really a good way to get to know and learn. I would not pass on them if you get the chance.Just make sure you are going to a public place rather than someone's home for the first few till you get to know the group.

_____________________________

First rule in dealing with the Devil............................
..................................................................DON'T!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/10/2009 9:29:49 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

this is a great topic to bring up and with the OP's attitude toward this i hope he finds years of growing and learning in the lifestyle. there are many things open to you at this point. not just munches and local, but a good place to find some like minded people, or not. but there are many forms of bondage alone to explore and find your place. once motivated properly you will find it easy to find what kinks are hidden within.

somethings can be learned
and somethings have to be earned.

as for myself and the OP. bondage plays very little part in my activity. i own slaves and control a household, and have a lifestyle totally different than most people on this site. first of all its an all male household, and i consider a slave to be property and not as female or male. second of all, it is fulltime, total control and domination. i control every aspect of my slaves being. appearance, grooming, clothes, finance, etc . while others have social gatherings of doms/subs. and there is everything in betrween.

my dominance comes natural and i do not need to beat my slaves into submission, or to control through fear. i do not need to use leather as a tool to show my dominance.

as long as you keep exploring you will keep learning.

cheers

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 18

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/11/2009 10:21:10 AM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

if you have someone in bondage, that means you are in control of the bondage. being in control means you are dominating the situation. you are not vanilla within the lifestyle, you are just inexperienced as you have mentioned. there are many forms of bondage you can explore. your openness to learn and grow will be your best asset.

some people are only capable of dominating conversation.

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 19

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/12/2009 2:20:35 PM

Ihmenjo

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/18/2007
Status: offline

Thank you very much for all the time and consideration ya'll are giving me as I haven't actually said so before.

Well, I'm talking to my girlfriend about going to a munch at some point. I'll have to do my homework and such to figure out where there IS one. We kind of accidentally stumbled in on a mutual like for the lifestyle. To her, it's more natural for a relationship. To me, it's more about the trust that a lifestyle relationship entails. We're compatible in a number of ways, so I'm sure things there will work out, lifestyle or not.

I will say, I think I need to figure out more myself, though. I'm very skilled in the physical side of things because I've learned, at least somewhat, to read certain reactions. Girls like it when you do this, dislike when you do that. Granted, there are times where tired/sad tend to mix together because a person suffering from either can exhibit the same outward signs. Personally, I'm looking to learn more about the emotional side of D/s, at least as it pertains to myself. I have a little bit of it from the aforementioned "reading" but I'd like to know more.
I enjoy the lifestyle for the communication, the trust, all those things... the subtext and such that is more the foundation that defines a lifestyle relationship. My ideas of punishment lie more in pleasure/privilege denial than a more physical punishment. My ideas for the implementing the lifestyle in a relationship lie more in subtle control rather than outright dominance. It doesn't mean I'm going to lord over the finances or control every aspect of her life, it just means that she wants less control and for me to assume a dominant role. I'm ready to fill that... it's just a matter of discovering what roles I'll be filling and how we'll work it out.

(in reply to masterlink65)

Post #: 20

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