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okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 12:11:44 AM   
inkdrips


Posts: 24
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline 		I'd like to be honest about my entire resume but I won't.
I'm asking subs because I'm more comfortable approaching my research from this direction.  I've never done BDSM before, but I've dreamed about it since I was 9.

I want to be a Dom.  From your experience, what makes a good Dom, where do I start and how do I find willing subs?

p.s. I have read alot about the subject, but mostly only surface material was found.
I'd love to be in a relationship where we both list our loves and hates and are perfectly matched from the beginning.  But for me it's hard enough to hook a date in the first place without asking for a resume.  Um, any comments?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 1:19:24 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: inkdrips
I'd like to be honest about my entire resume but I won't

I'm not sure what you mean by this, but I highly recommend you begin your journey with honesty.

quote:

I'm asking subs because I'm more comfortable approaching my research from this direction.

Ah, but the rest of us read this forum, too. Foiled again!

quote:

I want to be a Dom.  From your experience, what makes a good Dom, where do I start and how do I find willing subs?

First, be yourself. Next, always learn about yourself...anything you do that makes you a better person makes you a better Dom. Third, look for your local community and learn as much of your topping skills as you can through one-on-one or small group instruction.

quote:

p.s. I have read alot about the subject, but mostly only surface material was found.
I'd love to be in a relationship where we both list our loves and hates and are perfectly matched from the beginning.  But for me it's hard enough to hook a date in the first place without asking for a resume.  Um, any comments?

Trying to see if he or she is a perfect match before you even go out is like trying to drive across town and timing it so that the lights will all be green. Get to know people just like you get to know people in the vanilla world. Check to see if a most of the important things are matched and go from there.

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 3/13/2009 1:20:58 AM >

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to inkdrips)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 5:46:06 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		HAH, MAsterFire!!  I can get from South Tampa to North Tampa by timing the lights! *grin*

OP, I agree with MasterFire.  Get out into the scene.  Go to munches, workshops, events (some travel may be required).  BE HONEST about your skills (or lack of).  Be who you are.  Be HONEST about yourself, your desires, etc.  Not sure what you mean by resume.
But most importantly, as MasterFire said, is meet the PERSON, not the laundry list.


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 6:24:49 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Understand that as a Dom you hold a weighty responsibility.  Not only will someone be trusting you with their body but also with their emotions.  When a sub hands over trust she is making herself maybe even more vulnerable mentally and emotionally than physically.  You need to think about whether you are ready for more than play sessions and really want to take enough responsibility to nurture someone, to guide them in ways to please you, and to be ready to help them when they have doubts about their role. 

It is too easy for someone in the dominant position to think that it is all about them.  Yes, the sub acts to please the Dom - but if she isn't repaid somehow in a way that gives her fulfillment then she has no reason to stick around.  Repayment can sometimes be as simple as paying them attention, saying "thank you" or "good girl" or "well done", or making sure that you truly understand their wants, needs and limits.  Talk to subs, both male and female, at munches and find out their best and worst moments of serving.  Some of the worst might really take you by surprise.  It is rarely that they were somehow hurt physically but almost always some slight - not enough attention or having one of their favorite things temporarily taken from them. 

Be honest with yourself on your own wants and needs.  Are you sadistic?  Caring?  Are you looking for just one or a poly relationship?  Are you willing to be totally honest and communicate well?  Do you want just play time or something that can move into a long term relationship (LTR)?  Are you willing to work hard to be a truly good Dom or are you just looking for some kinky fun once in a while?  You are the only one that can answer those things.  There are no right or wrong answers; just what you truly are.


_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 4
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 6:50:29 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		You start with and within yourself.  Know yourself first and foremost and then leave the subs way behind till you do.
Wank  or lay a woman at the bar until you know who and what you are.

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 7:12:19 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You "want to" be a Dom?  It's not hard.  Just act like a Dom, think like a Dom, be a Dom.

I need to be in control in bed, and want to be in control out of it.  I care about those around me and think of what I consider best for them.  If they're subs, they appreciate that.  If they're not, I learn to not press.

Like I said, it's not hard.




_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 7:12:38 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		I can't agree more with what has been said, meet people in your local community then ask someone that you look up to, if they would mentor you. Don't forget that just because they are subs/slaves that you can't learn from them, they have a wealth of knowledge.

Mike

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 8:02:40 AM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		indrips,

Here is a link to a really good description of what a Dominant is and isn't.  It's one of the best I've seen. 

http://fetlife.com/groups/347/group_posts/94217

love

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Owned and adored by SirSteveS

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 8:16:41 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

I want to be a Dom. From your experience, what makes a good Dom, where do I start and how do I find willing subs?


part 1
What KIND of D do you want to be? A Daddy, a Master, a Bedroom, a Cuddlemonster sadist, a HOH Dom, a service Dom, one of the various flavors of Top, or something i have left off this list. (i have a bigger one somewhere, but it gets REALLY tedious to read, trust me). Write out some of your ideas and sort them into gotta have, sounds sexy, and not sure how this would really work. It will give you a starting place to talk to potential playmates, lovers, friends, and potentials of all other sorts.

Part 2
The biggest things, to me that make for a good D or T or M of any flavor are in no particular order: belief that they are worthy human beings, skills with a toy or two and a passion for their use, mental and emotional availability, and enthusiasm. All sorts of other good things come with time and practice, but those are what i feel are good starting points.

Part 3
Finding a willing sub depends completely on what kind of D/T/M you are/want to be and what you perceive as a sub. But yeah, start with a local (even if it takes a few hours to get to it) play space/dungeon/happy room and meet some real submissives and masocists face to face and see how they act and how totally different each is from the next.


_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to inkdrips)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 8:40:40 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

HAH, MAsterFire!!  I can get from South Tampa to North Tampa by timing the lights! *grin*




Whoever did Tampa's whole light network is an awesome person. Atlanta didn't think of that, apparently.  >:(

OP,  just find a subby type of person that you'd enjoy a relationship with, and experiment together. No need to have all the surprises out of the way before you even meet.


_____________________________

HBIC



(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 9:37:31 AM   
Caillin


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/4/2009
Status: offline 		Get out into the world if at all possible. But also read a few books. They tend to go much more into depth than the various web pages. I like "The New Topping Book" as a good starter. Think through anything that interests you. What's critical for you, and what are some things you would like on top of that.

I met my Dom in a vanilla dating site. He has introduced me to the lifestyle. So that's an option, but it would depend on where you fall on the spectrum. Meeting someone on a vanilla website and then telling them that you want a slave right off the bat probably won't work so well.

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 12:16:55 PM   
Chgolostnlooking


Posts: 46
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		Allow me to also support the mentor option.  Go out and find someone that is doing kinda-sorta the things you want to do.  Then, ask if you can sit in during a session.  Ask if you can do it again.  Ask if they would help you get started.

There's a lot to know from a physical, mental, trust, relationship, sexual and just plain person point-of-view.

Good luck.

(in reply to Caillin)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: okay so here goes - 3/13/2009 12:27:01 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: inkdrips

I want to be a Dom.  From your experience, what makes a good Dom,



What makes a good Dominant is first and foremost a good person. Someone truthful, honorable. Next, someone that has dominant traits, like being able to make a decision and actually stick to it.

Mostly, someone that not only wants to lead but has the ability to lead.

quote:



where do I start and how do I find willing subs?



Same place as you find any other potential partner. Though I would suggest not asking to beat the hot but stange girl at the supermarket.

Find out what venues there are in your area. Attend, meet people, talk to people, let people get to know you.

I also totally advocate shopping online hehe

I don't go for the "online only" relationships. But I have met some absolutely wonderful people online. We connect online then move to meeting in person and go from there.

quote:



p.s. I have read alot about the subject, but mostly only surface material was found.
I'd love to be in a relationship where we both list our loves and hates and are perfectly matched from the beginning.  But for me it's hard enough to hook a date in the first place without asking for a resume.  Um, any comments?



Perfectly matched from the begining......... ummm ya. That's pretty much fantasy.

Relationships are about compromise. You might luck out and catch tinlerbell but don't hold your breath.

Finding someone that first off you have chemistry with and have alot of other desires in comman could take some time. I have never found someone that fits EXACTLY what I want. I have been very lucky to find partners that have all the bases that I insist on, and we work on anything else.

Last Dominant was into watersports. Not a huge turn on for me but something I could deal with.

My Master now has limited experience, but hey people can learn.

It's all about deciding what you absolutely have to have and what can be worked with.


< Message edited by akisha -- 3/13/2009 12:29:33 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to inkdrips)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: okay so here goes - 3/17/2009 1:11:05 AM   
inkdrips


Posts: 24
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline
Wow, first of all, I'm humbled by the amount of wisdom in your words people, thankyou.
gotta have - anal, roleplay, public play.
sounds sexy - watersports, voyeurism
and not sure how this would really work - humiliation, kidnapping, infantilism, power exchange, shock therapy.
No - scat... I think that's it.
Thanks for the tips.  I think I can take what you've said and hopefully run with it.
One more thing, I found a meet before I moved to another city and I was going to go, but I kept chickening out.
Get over it?
Oh and I've met this girl online and she goes to the same course, how would you broach the subject of BDSM?

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: okay so here goes - 3/17/2009 1:57:15 AM   
rouletteslave


Posts: 29
Joined: 3/15/2009
Status: offline 		My own personal spin here. From my experience, the people who have made the best tops have been those that have been on bottom a number of times. They can take their experience from when they were there and use it to craft a wonderful scene.

_____________________________

Please visit my Mistress's Blog at www.MistressRoulette.com

(in reply to inkdrips)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: okay so here goes - 3/17/2009 6:31:39 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Ink.. ask her out on a date.. see how it goes.  Take her out on a few more dates, see how it goes.  Get a copy of the Loving Dominant, keep out on your coffee table, go on a date with the girl, then bring her home for coffee, and have the book in plain view. see what happens.

YMMV


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to rouletteslave)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: okay so here goes - 3/17/2009 7:30:51 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: inkdrips


Wow, first of all, I'm humbled by the amount of wisdom in your words people, thankyou.
gotta have - anal, roleplay, public play.
sounds sexy - watersports, voyeurism
and not sure how this would really work - humiliation, kidnapping, infantilism, power exchange, shock therapy.
No - scat... I think that's it.
Thanks for the tips.  I think I can take what you've said and hopefully run with it.
One more thing, I found a meet before I moved to another city and I was going to go, but I kept chickening out.
Get over it?
Oh and I've met this girl online and she goes to the same course, how would you broach the subject of BDSM?



What you listed describes BDSM play. None of those things necessarily have anything to do with being dominant. Seriously.

Do you want the responsibility of being a dominant partner in a relationship or do you want to be kinky and top someone?


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to inkdrips)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: okay so here goes - 3/17/2009 8:25:37 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

I've never done BDSM before, but I've dreamed about it since I was 9.


Get your head out of fantasy and into Reality 101.
 
quote:

I  want to be a Dom. 


Its a far stretch for many from want to AM--start with what you think you are and can be--in reality.

quote:

 From your experience, what makes a good Dom, where do I start and how do I find willing subs?


Don't put the cart before the horse--its not a mater of willing, its a matter of compatability which is based on honesty and  mutuality.
 
quote:

I'd love to be in a relationship where we both list our loves and hates and are perfectly matched from the beginning.


This is fantasy, not reality.
 
quote:

But for me it's hard enough to hook a date in the first place without asking for a resume.  Um, any comments?


Walk outside and breathe the air of reality---if you don't  know who you are, how the hell will you know what you are looking for?

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to inkdrips)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: okay so here goes - 3/17/2009 10:19:19 AM   
tamedspirit


Posts: 24
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline 		i find it rather weird that You are asking slaves what makes a good Dom? all slaves have different needs so will all give different opinions of what is a good "Dom"
perhaps You will get the answer's You need in ask a Master.
tamed.

(in reply to inkdrips)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: okay so here goes - 3/17/2009 10:24:18 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		tamed..he'd get as many answers over there as here

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to tamedspirit)
Profile   Post #: 20
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