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Respecting authority - 3/13/2009 9:26:24 PM

BlissFound

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/31/2008
Status: offline

I am having difficulty in an online relationship. FYI, we plan on taking it real time, soon, but scheduling will not permit for a few more weeks. Backround: I have been looking for a Dominant/Master for approx. one year. I have had a few internet and/or real-time relationships that have just not panned out, for various reasons. Recently i've begun talking with a very intelligent.... and let's just add everything positive one can say about a man/Dominant, and you have described Him. We speak daily... extensively. Actually let me be more specific, we text/IM extensively. We do speak on rare occassions, but for both of our world's, it is most 'doable'.

Problem/Issue: Approx. once every couple of days i text something that comes off harshly. Nothing out right negative, but maybe something that sounds directive rather than receptive. This gentleman sees it as my not being submissive/slave-like in attitude and questions my ability to be a slave real-time. I should note that he is not the first to have problem of this type with me.

Note: I work in a very male dominated field and i hold my own well. That means that i have to be agressive and competent. I make decisions quickly and have opinions. That is a part of who i am.

I really respect this gentleman. I see it as a personal failure when these things happen. I apologize profusely and really try not to give excuses or justification for my behavior (but sometimes i have). On one front, i fear His loss. But none of You, Your valued opinions can change that. Our relationship will play out as it will. But what i ask for here is more for a sense of self-identity and Your opinions on that level.

I have felt submissive on a very profound inner level all of my life. Even in childhood, fantasies i've had finally make sense. I would not be surprised if i have not lived lifetimes in slavery, because my fantasies/memories are so vivid. The ache for this lifestyle, to live it real-time is in every cell of my make-up. So why am i perceived in a different way than what i am feeling, believing inside of me? Why is the inner not reconciling with the outer?

Any insight/opinions would be appreciated. Whether i agree or not.

i thank all of You

c

Post #: 1

RE: Respecting authority - 3/13/2009 11:09:06 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Until the two of you go realtime, there is no guarantee that there will be a submissive response from you to him. Even when you meet, there is no guarantee.

The "failure' is on both sides of the kneel here, IMO.... Expectations that are in place before finding out if there is a R/T click between the two of you.

Relax.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to BlissFound)

Post #: 2

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 12:30:53 AM

oneserene

Posts: 9
Status: offline

Text messaging and im's leave entirely too much up for personal interpretation. Without being able to see the other person's expressions or at the very least, hearing the tone in their voice it is nearly impossible to really comprehend what the other person is saying. An innocent comment or statement can be turned into an insult in the blink of an eye or a simple question can feel like an interrogation for the person receiving it. This can happen especially when the recipient is having a bad day or under stress from other things going on in their life that the sender isn't aware of.

It takes a lot of time and concentration to sit and text message or im back and forth when a phone call would be much more time and energy efficient as well as provide for a more accurate exchange of "personality's". You can hear a person smile over the phone, hear a sigh of happiness or contentment or unfortunately just the opposite. But if neither of you are able to commit to at least 1 phone call every other day during this "discovery" phase then perhaps it is time for both of you to re-evaluate your ability to actually "begin" a committed relationship. I'm not trying to sound critical so please do not misinterpret this but if there isn't enough time to have a phone conversation on more than a rare occasion then it seems as if there won't be much time for any kind of relationship.

I get the feeling from what you've written that perhaps you would like to have more than just a "techno" relationship and my suggestion to you would be to clarify with the gentleman that he too genuinely would like to have more than that as well. Just in case there was any misinterpretation about that in the beginning. Keep in mind that you are not committed to anything or anyone at this time except for yourself so stop blaming yourself for "his" misinterpretations. I know that you "want" this relationship to work but it takes "two" willing and able individuals to make that happen. Obviously you are willing and able and with that said, the rest is up to him.

Best of luck to you regardless of how this one pans out. Stay true to yourself and you will eventually have what you desire.

_____________________________

"There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats." ~Elton John [/color=purple]

[/size=3]

(in reply to BlissFound)

Post #: 3

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 1:12:17 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

This will prolly fall on deaf ears. For all you know mister wonderful might be a dolt. This person is a complete stranger to you ... I know I know but but it's different .... "yea whatever"' It ain't real til it's real.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to oneserene)

Post #: 4

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 2:41:53 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlissFound

I am having difficulty in an online relationship. FYI, we plan on taking it real time, soon, but scheduling will not permit for a few more weeks. Backround: I have been looking for a Dominant/Master for approx. one year. I have had a few internet and/or real-time relationships that have just not panned out, for various reasons. Recently i've begun talking with a very intelligent.... and let's just add everything positive one can say about a man/Dominant, and you have described Him. We speak daily... extensively. Actually let me be more specific, we text/IM extensively. We do speak on rare occassions, but for both of our world's, it is most 'doable'.

Problem/Issue: Approx. once every couple of days i text something that comes off harshly. Nothing out right negative, but maybe something that sounds directive rather than receptive. This gentleman sees it as my not being submissive/slave-like in attitude and questions my ability to be a slave real-time. I should note that he is not the first to have problem of this type with me.

Note: I work in a very male dominated field and i hold my own well. That means that i have to be agressive and competent. I make decisions quickly and have opinions. That is a part of who i am.

I really respect this gentleman. I see it as a personal failure when these things happen. I apologize profusely and really try not to give excuses or justification for my behavior (but sometimes i have). On one front, i fear His loss. But none of You, Your valued opinions can change that. Our relationship will play out as it will. But what i ask for here is more for a sense of self-identity and Your opinions on that level.

I have felt submissive on a very profound inner level all of my life. Even in childhood, fantasies i've had finally make sense. I would not be surprised if i have not lived lifetimes in slavery, because my fantasies/memories are so vivid. The ache for this lifestyle, to live it real-time is in every cell of my make-up. So why am i perceived in a different way than what i am feeling, believing inside of me? Why is the inner not reconciling with the outer?

Any insight/opinions would be appreciated. Whether i agree or not.

For starters, "intelligent" (along with 'cultured' and 'educated', for eg) does NOT necessarily amount to being worldly, mature, wise or even having a lick of common sense - a concept brilliantly exploited by television's award winning comedy, Frasier (and his brother, Niles).

I say this because the more real life is held back, the greater the likelihood of confusion, misunderstanding and misconceptions creeping in between what is, in fact, two *strangers*! And a *smart* person would know that whereas an intelligent person may not. And he's reacting like he doesn't - assuming you're not subconsciously pushing his buttons through frustration etc....

To me, life can be broken down into two simple states. In most things, you're either growing or you're dying.... Anything in a state of flux is dying - such as your stalled relationship. What you need to do is move to the next level and get together; for better or worse but at least you'll *know*. In other words, a much needed injection of life (real life) into your relationship.

Note: Two people who want the same thing make the time for it to happen. And actions speak louder than words - back to him....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to BlissFound)

Post #: 5

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 4:03:37 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

This is one of there rare occasions when I am complete agreement with Focus50.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 6

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 4:26:34 AM

Roselaure

Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline

First of all i agree with those where who have posted that RT is different from online and you won't know until you meet if this is something both of you want to pursue.

But to address your concern about being directive, I work in a managerial position and I am constantly presented with situations and provide direction on how to proceed. Occasionally, when I am speaking to my Dom right after work, and he triggers that Managerial response by telling me about something that he has done that has not worked out the way he wanted, (we have similar jobs for different companies), I find myself lapsing into a directive tone. Fortunately for me he finds this amusing. He'll start laughing, I'll correct my tone and attitude and we'll move on. But we have an established real time relationship.

Get this thing RT and see how it goes.

_____________________________

Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul.
-Virginia Woolf

(in reply to BlissFound)

Post #: 7

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 5:17:26 AM

BlissFound

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/31/2008
Status: offline

Thank You all.... i agree that real time is the only true measure of compatibility. Thank You Roselaure for sharing that even an experienced real time relationship can and most likely will have lapses into role reversal (however innocent, and fleeting).

Also i too believe nothing is 'real' until it is real-time. And no, SailingBum, that does not fall on deaf ears. Too often a seeming beginning goes 'poof' into thin air, because it is nothing until it is real-time.

Again, thank You all. Your words are consoling me back into my own 'reality'.

(in reply to Roselaure)

Post #: 8

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 5:29:23 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlissFound

I really respect this gentleman. I see it as a personal failure when these things happen. I apologize profusely and really try not to give excuses or justification for my behavior (but sometimes i have).

I understand your distress if you have a perfectionistic tendency--many submissives and also some dominants do, which seems to shunt a lot more energy into lapses of protocol or conduct than it should. From my point of view, though, it is the nature of authority to require occasional reinforcement and it is the nature of relationships to require work from both parties. So...seems like everything is going the way it should for you too! So far, so good.

In the early stages, both parties learn what makes them happy and what doesn't. If your only flaw is that you need to learn to stay out of "norm-space" when speaking to him, at least during intimate moments, your dom is a fortunate man.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to BlissFound)

Post #: 9

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 7:09:54 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

For myself, when communicating online with a prospective girl, I don't put a lot of stress on whether or not she is being "submissive" in words or whether or not I am always coming across as dominant. I am focusing on the two of us getting to know one another.

Nothing is locked in, I don't consider her mine, or that I am ruling her life. Much of our communication may have that flavour but nothing is concrete. I don't get excited until I spend physical time with a person. Until then, they are simply pixels on a screen, voices on the phone, or images in a photo.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to BlissFound)

Post #: 10

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 8:09:07 AM

ApathyRomance

Posts: 106
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline

The word 'sorry' is like the word 'love:' Fairly pointless. Both require action for meaning.

So don't apologize without trying to explain.

Communicate. Odds are he'll understand if he's so great!

That might really help you feel more secure about your submission.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 11

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 10:01:15 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

i can totally relate to your OP, BlissFound. i recently went from online/phone to 24/7 service to Sir. it is definetly a world of difference. our time spent pre living together was spent getting to know each other, and he rarely gave me orders or did any online domming. our natures complimented each other and we decided to proceed to a 24/7 M/s relationship dynamic. Since moving in, i struggle and have inner conflict almost daily for the reasons you so aptly articulated in your OP. i am blessed that he is approachable and i am able to bring to him my struggles. he does not coddle me, yet he is patience.

with his help, i have been able to take a different view at my struggles and feelings that i am failing. he pointed out to me that i have preconditioned responses due to my past enviorment/circumstances which are against my nature. hence, the struggle and conflict that i feel. he has assured me that time and 3 weeks in the red cage (one of his favorite sayings...lol) will lessen the struggles and conflicts and bring me to my natural state of being, slave. his faith in me is contagious.

i wish you all good things on your path, BlissFound and may we all find our bliss.

_____________________________

may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 12

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 10:19:41 AM

MASTERLIX

Posts: 79
Joined: 7/4/2007
From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
Status: offline

I have seen this many times. The problem I see is that you are struggling with your submission. It isn't that you are not being submissive/slave-like. But you are struggling with your submission.

Before I give you advice, I have a few questions. Have you studied in the lifestyle to determined your submissiveness? Meaning, there are articles you would read that would let you know if you really have the submissive traits. If you have, what have you read and how much have you studied and learned in the lifestyle?

Your response will let me know what to tell you...I have trained many subs in the lifestyle, so, I am very familiar with this.

Sir Lix

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 13

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 10:30:40 AM

BlissFound

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/31/2008
Status: offline

I have done an extreme amount of reading on this lifestyle and studied also many of it's various related fetishes. I tend to almost 'over do it' in the research department. I'm very analytical, although i seem to be most attracted to artistic types. I do relate, most definitely to a slave mentality; a total loss of control. I just wonder if this is a pipe dream, or can it actually be achieved. Am i leading myself down a path of constant frustration of not being 'good enough'?

thank You for all of Your responses.

c

(in reply to MASTERLIX)

Post #: 14

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 11:15:08 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Ah - no profile. We're replying to someone we know nothing about? Not me. I think it is discourteous.

(in reply to BlissFound)

Post #: 15

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 11:16:35 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

brutal honesty about your motives to serve and actual in the flesh service over a bit of time, i believe will be the only way to find out, if it is a pipe dream or something you can actually achieve.

_____________________________

may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.

(in reply to BlissFound)

Post #: 16

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 11:46:19 AM

MASTERLIX

Posts: 79
Joined: 7/4/2007
From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
Status: offline

Sorry, I meant to respond to someone else...

< Message edited by MASTERLIX -- 3/14/2009 11:50:30 AM >

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 17

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 11:52:34 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

LIX.. if you use the 'quote' button (top right corner of the post you wish to reply to) it will allow you to reply to the post of your choice

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to MASTERLIX)

Post #: 18

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 11:52:45 AM

MASTERLIX

Posts: 79
Joined: 7/4/2007
From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
Status: offline

Thank you for responding...

As I read what you said, I couldn't help but to see that your interest in the areas you have researched in order to discover yourself has been in the areas of fetishes and maybe other parts.

However, if you are interested in M/s or D/s relationships, you have to have other forms of knowledge and understanding and also discovery. From what I read in your original post, you are having problem submitting. That is whether virtually or real time. If you do intend to go on this journey, you have to find a way to learn to "yield". That is where you seem to be having problems with right now. Especially, since this Dom is not the first one to have mentioned it. I am assuming all the Doms you have had are not from the same family, which means, everyone can't be making this up. There is a pattern.

My thought process with this, having the knowledge of psychology and psychotherapy, is to probably take some time to evaluate yourself all together and see why you are struggling with submission. In this lifestyle, rules create structure, structure creates discipline. I can write a whole article on that sentence. So, if a sub/slave is not able to do that, it means they are having problem with submission.

This is what you should remember:
"To submit is defined as "to yield oneself to the authority or will of another; to surrender." Such a simple concept, and so very beautiful. How, then, has it become twisted into nothing more than a method of getting one's own way? If a submissive woman looks toward her relations with a dominant Man with selfishness, wondering what's in it for her, she is destroying the very thing she claims to be. Rather than being used and enjoyed, she is only performing for her own pleasure; where is the "gift" in that?

As personal subjugation (wearing the title of BDSM) has become more mainstream, it seems that some of its core ideals, and perhaps its very meaning, have been watered-down to be more palatable to the masses. While acceptance and tolerance are generally beneficial things, we cannot help but mourn the purity and simplicity that has been sacrificed. Slaves aren't really slaves; they're usually "submissives" who simply see that term as more romantic. Masters are prohibited from being Masters, for fear of so offending the general populace that their own freedom is revoked. We are slowly being suffocated by the customs of the mainstream world, and one of the more disturbing symptoms of this is the proliferation of so-called "submissives" who are only looking out for themselves and their own enjoyment." - By Michelle G. (Reflections On Authentic Submission)

So, in my mind, you need mentoring and guidance. If you can do that, you will be on the right path. You need a break from an actual D/s relationship, because I don't even think you are mentally ready for an M/s relationship just yet. That is even if you think that you do relate, most definitely to a slave mentality. If you do, this will not happen, "Approx. once every couple of days i text something that comes off harshly. Nothing out right negative, but maybe something that sounds directive rather than receptive."

Sorry that I am not going to join others that may take a different route in addressing this. I train subs, and for that, I have to be blunt with you on what I think.

As I conclude, also keep this in mind:
"If I would have Him be Dominant I must submit. This is the total crux of the matter in living a life of submission. To prefer His will over my own. To relinquish my way for His. This is the price of fulfillment. That I would embrace His masculinity, His strength His power and meet it with my submission, my weakness and vulnerability. That I would feel my femaleness to my core without the brittle mantle of control so many of my sisters seem to need to carry. We are told that fulfillment is found in control. What if it isn't? What if the road to peace and joy in our relationships is not pulling, but yielding? No leading but following? Not standing but submitting?" - By namaste (Shared Wisdom On Femininity
& Submission )

It isn't about overdoing it, it is about knowing which aspect of the lifestyle you need to focus your attention to understand. If you do, you will learn how to freely submit. You will learn discipline. Discipline for some, come naturally. Discipline for some, come with training.

Sir Lix

< Message edited by MASTERLIX -- 3/14/2009 11:58:17 AM >

(in reply to BlissFound)

Post #: 19

RE: Respecting authority - 3/14/2009 12:02:14 PM

MASTERLIX

Posts: 79
Joined: 7/4/2007
From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
Status: offline

Thanks for that...I finally figured it out...lol

Usually, I don't like responding to postings here...I just read...That is even if people ask me to respond...

Thanks again...

Sir Lix

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 20

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