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Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 3:43:37 PM

ChelseaNY

Posts: 33
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline

I would like input on something that has bothered me for a long time. I am a submissive, and I choose to be that way. When I choose a Dom, I show him every respect. If I am told by him to show that same respect to another, I will do so without question. However I do not like it when someone feels they have that right to assume any type of control over me simply because they are a Dom/me and I am a sub. If i am speaking to someone I am speaking to them as a person, I am friendly and respectful, but unless I am wanting to make an impression, I don't feel the need to bend to their will simply because they are a Dom/me. I have not accepted their authority over me, so to me they should not presume to have any. If I were in a situation where Dom/mes and subs were expected to portray their roles at all times, like an event or something, then absolutely, by being there I am offering of myself. But when a Dom/me, especially one online who does not know me at all, tries to assume authority they do not have, or puts me down for not showing proper respect, it irks me.

So am I being unrealistic ? Should someone who is sub always allow a Dom/me to control the situation ?

_____________________________

Chelsea Kya

"It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not"

"Pay no mind to those who speak behind your back, it simply means you are two steps ahead"

Post #: 1

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 3:56:13 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

There are rude people everywhere. I'm not going to get into a fight if someone pushes past me in line to grab the last blueberry muffin in the rack. But if they're a few pennies shy you can bet I won't offer them any to help out.

Basically, if someone talks to you in a rude manner, and assumes that they're better because of the preferred power position, or religion, or race or gender or ... They have proved themselves to be prejudiced and proved to me that I don't want to know them.

Be grateful they've shown their true selves early on, and go talk to someone you find more compatible. There is no true d/s governing body which will revoke your sub card for blocking an ass.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ChelseaNY)

Post #: 2

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 4:07:52 PM

MissLaura1973

Posts: 161
Joined: 11/11/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChelseaNY
So am I being unrealistic ? Should someone who is sub always allow a Dom/me to control the situation ?

I think that you're being perfectly realistic - just because you are submissive doesn't mean that you don't have a brain, ideas, needs, desires - and it doesn't mean that, somehow, you're supposed to be at the beck and call and under the command of anyone who woke-up one day and decided to call themselves a dominant.

Being friendly and respectful is good - and something that (I hope) most of us do in our vanilla interactions - I don't understand why this doesn't seem to carry-over to the BDSM realm, though: I am respectful toward all (we're all humans, first, dominant / submissive / switch / whatever, second) but I've seen many dominants who seem to think that they're entitled to all sorts of "stuff" simply because they're wearing a dominant hat. Pile of BS, if you ask me.

Heck, I've had "dominants" tell me that I'm too nice / polite toward others and that that means I'm not a dominant. So be it. I know who I am and am okay with that.

Anyway, it doesn't matter whether you're a submissive or a dominant - you answer to your owner not to those who are on a power trip. They're not with expending any time or energy on - put that energy and time into something positive.

_____________________________

Though boys throw stones at frogs in sport, the frogs do not die in sport, but in earnest --- Bion

(in reply to ChelseaNY)

Post #: 3

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 4:09:29 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

I belive in being polite and congenial as a matter of general course unless there is a reason not to be. I do not offer anyone authority that they have not earned and if someone imposes as to suggeest they expect such, they'll find themselves disavowed of that misperception rather quickly.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 4

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 5:19:56 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Like I tell others...I am a slave to one and one only.

To everyone I"m the average Jane on the street. I'll give you common courtesy but respect is earned and very very few people actually get that from me. You have to show me a good reason why you deserve it.

Otherwise you're just joe blow.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 5

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 5:49:55 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

there should be a sort of diplomacy the occurs.

when a sub approaches me with interest of training and/or ownership, i expect a certain behavior that would indicate to me that this person truly wants to be submissive to me. am i expecting instant relocation? NO. i of course allow for a "getting to know you period".

if i approach a sub with interest. i usually send a brief mail saying i have interest, and they should check out my profile and if what i have to offer is what you seek, contact me. i do not think that is really being to bossy, is it?

but i look at it like this. you look at a profile, you are sub or dom, either way. it is clear in that profile what you can expect from this person.... my question. if you are a sub, why would you not expect the dominant to dominate? if this "dom" is going to win you over by being flipflop, then go him. i dont understand how you could expect less, i really cant.

as for meeting in public. if i see a collar, i do not approach. informal conversation, brought on by sub/slave things would go different, and i would see no need for me to control or dominate the situation, say we met at a munch, or convention, class, seminar, etc. and engaged in some conversation by mishap.

if you read my profile, and then respond to it. i would like to believe you had your shit together enough to carry through

(in reply to ChelseaNY)

Post #: 6

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 6:13:44 PM

Sir Daddy

Posts: 53
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline

I've seen a lot of girls mention this in their profiles/journal updates. I'm not sure if there are a lot of rude idiots who try to assert themselves on girls in their introductory message...or if it's just a few guys that manage to offend almost every woman here. Either way...you are clearly not alone in the experience.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 6:48:57 PM

crazyredhead1957

Posts: 189
Joined: 12/10/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChelseaNY

So am I being unrealistic ? Should someone who is sub always allow a Dom/me to control the situation ?

i'm one of those "mouthy 's' types," but if i may, i will answer here anyway. i give due respect to all Dom/mes, but only ONE Dominant will control me and that is my own. i give my submission freely to Him and to those He requires me to. If i give it to Everybody, i am not "sub," i am just a "doormat." IMO, then, my submission would mean less than nothing if i give it to just Anyone and Everyone.

(in reply to ChelseaNY)

Post #: 8

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 6:56:08 PM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

i'm one of those "mouthy 's' types,"

There are rather a lot of us, aren't there?

I agree with LittleWonder on this. I give common courtesy (unless there is a reason not to), but do not automatically respect or submit to anyone simply because of their self appointed status as a D.

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to crazyredhead1957)

Post #: 9

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 7:01:26 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Should someone who is sub always allow a Dom/me to control the situation ?

I can’t imagine getting anything done or serving anyone well if I had to obey every dominant in the world. Picture yourself in a room with several dominants and every one of them expects you to do what he/she wants.
Silliness!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to ChelseaNY)

Post #: 10

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 7:12:01 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I expect common courtesy when I show it to others. If I don't get it, that's that... I think less of them and move on.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 11

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 7:16:26 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Nothing suiprising about this. Rudeness and ignorance are prevelent in wewtern society today and not limited to either Dominants or submissives. Bad breeding, laziness and the need to "be one opf the crowd" as well as mimicing TV characters have much to do with this. At least such attituted that some Doms have shown towards you by demanding you to bend to their will is usefull in weeding out those bad breeds without wasting time and finding they atre useless later on..

I'm a Dominant, just a convienent label to show my orientation and nothing which states that all forms of submissive will bow to me. I'm a Master ~ I hold a Masters Degree in Psychology so in some limited circles I could expect some respect by my peers and those who I professionally interact with. (Earned respect). I am the Master of my home. I can and do expect my wishes top be followed and I coukld reasonably expect some modicum of respect (Earned). I am the Master (positional title) of a Lodge (Well Grand Master actually) and again I could expect some earned respect from peers and members.

Above all else I am a Man. Nore more and no less I am not a God who people automatically bow before, just a simple man with flaws, strengths, good and bad points. Aye I am a Master (BDSM) just not your Master..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to ChelseaNY)

Post #: 12

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 7:30:36 PM

atlboy77

Posts: 8
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Should someone who is sub always allow a Dom/me to control the situation ?

The short answer is no... you both have to agree. Being in a submissive/dominant relationship or situation is something that has to be earned by both parties.
As I was saying in another post, just because someone calls themselves a dominant (on their profile, for example) doesn't mean they should automatically control the online conversation, or the situation. Both parties should be able to engage in a normal conversation and are expected to show the same respect to the other person until an agreement is reached about the how, when, and where, if any.

When I talk to people here I like to get to know them to determine if there is compatibility and see if a friendship can be developed, even before any "situation" takes place... Sometimes people think that being respectful is being submissive, and they assume they have the right to do whatever they want with you. But you are right, no one has the authority over you until you say it's ok and until you are comfortable with the details.

(in reply to ChelseaNY)

Post #: 13

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 7:55:37 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

Should someone who is sub always allow a Dom/me to control the situation ?

I can’t imagine getting anything done or serving anyone well if I had to obey every dominant in the world. Picture yourself in a room with several dominants and every one of them expects you to do what he/she wants.
Silliness!

its not that hard. you merely focus on the one you are serving. the rest must wait. in gorean standards, no one else exists but the person you are in service too, until they release you.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 14

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 8:51:59 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

but i look at it like this. you look at a profile, you are sub or dom, either way. it is clear in that profile what you can expect from this person.... my question. if you are a sub, why would you not expect the dominant to dominate? if this "dom" is going to win you over by being flipflop, then go him. i dont understand how you could expect less, i really cant.

Just because I show an interest doesn’t mean I have agreed to submit. That comes after we have spent time talking to see if there is enough in common to proceed. Until then, we are on equal footing. Flip flops are for feet.
He’s A dominant, I’m A submissive, which means little until we have mutually agreed to the dynamic between us.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to masterlink65)

Post #: 15

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 9:23:52 PM

ChelseaNY

Posts: 33
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline

Thanks for all the replies, and i am very glad to see so many supporting my position. While i do see the point of Masterlink as far as a Dom being a Dom and you should know they will expect a sub to be submissive, i think there are limits. If they met me outside the realm of this site they would not necessarily know i was a sub, so they would not presume to think i would cowtow to them. I have no problem treating Dom/mes with the respect they deserve in a situation that calls for it. Hell I was a very sought after kajira in my day hehe, but outside the circumstances of a bd/sm setting I don't think i need to be anything other than a person, sub or not.

_____________________________

Chelsea Kya

"It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not"

"Pay no mind to those who speak behind your back, it simply means you are two steps ahead"

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 16

RE: Making assumptions - 3/15/2009 9:51:27 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

what dynamic is left to be determined. you just said, he is a dom, i am a sub.

i would think that when it comes to finding a partner in a lifestyle like this, one would expect certain behavior traits from their potential other(s).

just because i would expect a sub to show some submissiveness doesnt mean i expect to have my way with it, and collar it upon arrival, but i do not think a long list of demands is going to win over to many masters

(in reply to ChelseaNY)

Post #: 17

RE: Making assumptions - 3/16/2009 11:05:37 AM

ChelseaNY

Posts: 33
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline

Absolutely Masterlink, in finding a partner one would have expectations, but as for a list of demands, well one should let ones limits or desires be known so you do not waste each others time. I know some Dom/mes simply expect total surrender, i would not be the sub for them, which is why i make my limits quite clear in the very beginning. Kind of like me being transgender, i live as a woman full time, people have no idea of what i am, but i make it known right up front, so we do not have any misunderstandings. I have been in this lifestyle enough to have known a few bad experiences due to a lack of communication between myself and a Dom.

_____________________________

Chelsea Kya

"It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not"

"Pay no mind to those who speak behind your back, it simply means you are two steps ahead"

(in reply to masterlink65)

Post #: 18

RE: Making assumptions - 3/16/2009 1:05:43 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

limits and needs are one thing, and should be stated at the very beginning. that i totally agree with.
but wants and demands are of little concern.
most people do not know the difference between wants and needs.

lack of communication can fuck up a lot of things, even something well established.

establishing limits is different than being demanding or mouthy as a sub. limits and confidential's need to be respected.

things i consider to be needs. health concerns, family issues, daily care and security, dietary restrictions, allergies, things of that nature.

wants would include things like wearing briefs or panties. i have no need to worry about silly things a slave may want. you are not going to die if i never let you wear panties again, not is it going to hurt anything more than a slaves feelings. poor slave.

this is an adult site and not the classifieds in the sunday paper. i would like to think everyone is adult enough on this site to know what they are getting themselves into. why else would you even be on this site if you are not expecting a certain type of behavior from the person(s) you are responding to and from?

(in reply to ChelseaNY)

Post #: 19

RE: Making assumptions - 3/16/2009 1:55:53 PM

ChelseaNY

Posts: 33
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline

That's the point though, you may be expecting one type of behavior, one you are comfortable with or can withstand, while someone else may be expecting somthing different. Simply being a part of this site does not mean you are open to everything that is offered. As i explain in my profile i am a sub, but i am not a slave, to me there is a definite difference. Not every sub falls into one defined group, except that they should all seek to please their Dom/me. However the ways they feel they are able to offer that service will differ from one sub to another.

When i was much younger and just getting into this scene i had a casual relationship with a rather harsh Dom. I set no limits, we had no safeword, and as the relationship progressed the sessions got tougher. I understood this, he was seeking and pushing my limits. However when i did reach what was my limit and my breaking point, i let him know and he disregarded it. I actually ended up crying because he physically hurt me that bad. I don't regret the experience, it taught me alot.

_____________________________

Chelsea Kya

"It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not"

"Pay no mind to those who speak behind your back, it simply means you are two steps ahead"

(in reply to masterlink65)

Post #: 20

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