RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life?

RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (Full Version)

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LAgirlsub -> RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (3/18/2009 2:32:46 AM)
I love my sister's doggies. They always get whatever they want from me (and they know it...oh would they love me if I didn't give them a treat and play ball?) Hopefully it's more an online thing with the dense straight male doms.

Kita -> RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (3/18/2009 2:41:03 AM)
quote: LAgirlsub said: My questions are: Is a Mistress/sub relationship without sensuality? She said I’m never to touch her without permission (and I’m very sensual). Some are, some aren't. Relationships are as diverse as the people involved in them. My relationship with beeble is very sensual, however. As he has mentioned, I touch him whenever and however I want whereas he is sometimes denied permission to do the same with me. He's given himself to me as property to own as I please thus I have rights to his body while mine is my own. quote: Do you want to know your subs on a personal level? Is this how it is, that we’re talking just about sex and we are not to know each other on a personal/emotional level of any kind? Or is this just the preference of this Mistress? I’m truly confused and honestly a little disappointed. I feel like I worked hard for several months opening myself up to something I’ve never experienced, that I’m interested in trying, I meant it that I wanted to try to please her but she truly had no interest in actually knowing anything about me. I know I’m just guessing here, but again is this common or is this maybe a problem or fear she has of intimacy? Yes, I want to know my sub on a personal level. I want to know every deep dark corner of his perverted little brain (not that it's actually little at all. Mmmm brains...) I suppose that falls in the category of sex, though, but I assure you I know more about him than what drives him in the realm of kinkery. We have some interests that are individual and some that are complementary, we watch movies and listen to music together, we cook, we do crosswords and hang out. The hot, kinky stuff is always a possibility as it lives close to the surface, with us, but it's not the only way we interact. quote: Can you be intimate with your subs? How do you define intimacy? A lot of people equate intimacy with sex. I do not. Sex/play/etc can be intimate, but it is not necessarily so. I have a deeper degree of intimacy with beeble than I ever imagined having in a D/s relationship. It's unlike anything I knew before and what's more is that it goes both ways. Having that sort of interaction means he knows enough about me that I am left emotionally vulnerable which is a situation that has been very delicate for me in the past. The thing is, it's always felt right so instead of stunted growth and crippling concern about being hurt, I've let things flow and I believe we're even more solid for it. quote: Do you, I realize this is very generalized, have empathy when it comes to someone new to the scene, unsure of what they will or won’t like? Yes. Everybody has to start somewhere. People won't know what they like without trying it, and sometimes they'll find they like things they didn't expect and dislike things they thought they'd like.It can go in any direction. I like exploring things with somebody since it's nice to bond over shared experiences. quote: Twice over the many months, she said she didn’t want to hurt me emotionally. I wrote one of my last emails to her asking to meet me just once in person. I do feel badly if I never meet this woman in person – that she becomes real – who I’ve told so many very personal, sexual details to. She hasn’t answered me and I guess she won’t. I wish her actions followed her words and it makes me wonder how she would treat me in reality. It just doesn't sound like she was the woman for you (presuming she was actually a woman, anyway...) If all she wanted was the sexual part and none of the other things you wanted, you're better off looking elsewhere anyway. Keep your eyes open so that you'll notice the right thing when it comes along, but don't spin your wheels trying to make something work when your interests don't mesh or things start feeling suspicious for whatever reason. quote: And I wonder…I’m not sure if I’m just looking for a femme, dominant woman or a Mistress. Is there an easier way to find out? Who's to say she isn't all three? I'm not a femme, really, but I am the other two. Consider the attributes you like generally without trying to fit everyone into a tidy little box. It could still work even if every little thing doesn't match-up perfectly. Good luck, -K- Edited to fix quoting. Grr.

PeonForHer -> RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (3/18/2009 5:21:07 AM)
I'm not a femme, really I'd say many more women are 'femme' to their beholders than will self-identify as such. Kita: you, Beeble and Elan have made some crucial points about D/s relationships in this thread and elsewhere over the past few days. Collectively, they've helped resolve some key things for me about D/s relationships. Thank you to the three of you.

LaTigresse -> RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (3/18/2009 7:36:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LAgirlsub Of course it's possible I've been duped, but I don't think so. She sent me many photos of herself and I met her through another woman online. Now could both of them be frauds? Sure. But it doesn't make sense really. I think it's the controlling issue at play and that she's emotionally distant, including a bit manipulating. She was just so darn sexy, dominant and she said she wanted me after I told her a lot about my desires. Seriously, I don't want to beat this to death but I am telling you, after reading your posts, I would bet a year's salary that this person is not the person she has portrayed her/himself to be. It may not be gender, but given the lack of interest in contact beyond the internet, I guarantee there is something that has been majorly represented. Pictures mean nothing, and neither do online references. Something is being hidden and for good reason on their part.

Kita -> RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (3/18/2009 9:17:03 AM)
Peon: You're welcome although compared to beeble I hardly say much of anything :) You both (along with several others) bring up a lot of good points and can be great fun to watch when things get silly, too. There are a lot of regular posters in this forum which is really nice since it leads to familiarity and a community much like a chat room would. It makes me wonder what we'd all be like having a big meet 'n' greet some day though I realise the world is probably far too big to make that happen, unfortunately. As for my femme-ness or lack thereof, I am more feminine than certain men and more masculine than certain females, but I'd never ID as a 'femme', I identify as a soft butch. I tell beeble that the qualities that drew me most to him initially are things I associate with females although he's not a feminine or female-acting man. It's just that our gender roles are somewhat topsy-turvy but that's how it feels natural with us so you won't find me complaning one bit (An example is that it feels right for me to stand behind him with my arms looped around his waist from behind. Things like that where 'traditionally' it wouldn't be that way.) I understand what you mean, though :) -Kita-

beeble -> RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (3/18/2009 4:36:16 PM)
quote: LAgirlsub wrote: I know this isn’t unusual (as I started reading about bdsm), but do force your subs to wear clothes you want them to? Some like to; some don't. When we're together, Kita is usually happy for me to wear whatever I want but sometimes she tells me what to wear. But, you know, I'm a guy so it doesn't make a lot of difference to me. [:)] In the main, though, I have quite a bit of independence and am allowed to demonstrate my commitment to the relationship, rather than being told what to do and where to be, all the time. quote: Thanks Beeble. Sounds like you have a good relationship, no matter what we call it. I really feel like this woman I’ve been talking about doesn’t understand that ‘raw sex’ (as she told she wanted) is nothing like what you described with Kita. Yes. We do lots of things that we find extremely hot but it's all in the context of a strong, loving relationship. quote: Did that take you a long time to create the relationship you wanted with her? It's hard to say. Everything has evolved smoothly and gradually over the year and three quarters we've been together. What we have now isn't really where we imagined we'd be: I certainly never thought I'd say that I was owned by somebody else. On the other hand, while the details have changed over time, the fundamental basis of the relationship was there from quite early on. And I think it's fair to say that it's always been the relationship we wanted it to be at that time (apart from that stoopid Atlantic thing). quote: Oh can I ask everyone something else that I really wonder about and that frankly disturbed me…she told that when she had me, she’d be taking pictures of me. She said she wouldn’t have my face in them and that to her, they were like trophies – to see what people will do for her. Please tell me, is this unusual? It sounds unusual to me but the most important thing is that, if you don't want it, you don't have to do it. OK, if it were a normal thing in D/s relationships, you'd have to look harder to find somebody compatible but it still wouldn't be the end of the world. Always be true to yourself. As time goes on, you'll probably find that you're open to more things but don't let yourself be pushed into things that you're not ready for, just because you identify as a submissive. beeble.

beeble -> RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (3/18/2009 5:01:29 PM)
quote: PeonForHer wrote: Kita: you, Beeble and Elan have made some crucial points about D/s relationships in this thread and elsewhere over the past few days. Collectively, they've helped resolve some key things for me about D/s relationships. Thank you to the three of you. Glad to be of assistance! Always good to know that there are others on the same wavelength. beeble.

LAgirlsub -> RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (3/19/2009 1:27:03 AM)
LaTigresse, the more I step back from this, I find it harder and harder to disagree with you. I don't know what's amiss, but you're right - something isn't right. I'm a 50 mile drive away, but I said I would drive the 100 miles round trip even to have a coffee with her which she won't do. Is that too 'personal'? I guess I shouldn't have looked at this any differently then a traditional dating situation...in that if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. I've been upfront, told her my information but I know almost nothing about her. I do think she's almost to the point of being paranoid about privacy; however I'm with you. It wouldn't be the first or the last time I've been wrong or unfortunately been taken advantage of emotionally. But unlike this woman, you have to be at least on some level be emotionally available if you want the chance to have more fulfilling relationships - sexually and otherwise.

LAgirlsub -> RE: Do you have a demarcation line between your personal and sexual life? (3/19/2009 1:50:05 AM)
quote: A lot of people equate intimacy with sex. I do not. Sex/play/etc can be intimate, but it is not necessarily so. I have a deeper degree of intimacy with beeble than I ever imagined having in a D/s relationship. It's unlike anything I knew before and what's more is that it goes both ways. Having that sort of interaction means he knows enough about me that I am left emotionally vulnerable which is a situation that has been very delicate for me in the past. The thing is, it's always felt right so instead of stunted growth and crippling concern about being hurt, I've let things flow and I believe we're even more solid for it. Kita, so you knew you were expanding yourself emotionally. Can I ask you, what do mean emotionally delicate? Were you afraid in a conscious way of opening yourself up to the potential emotional hurt? But as you felt comfort, decided to let yourself be open? I suppose in some ways it's foreign to me, unfortunately at times, to protect myself emotionally. I don't seem to be able not to be open, on some level emotionally, with someone I'm intimate (for me which has meant sexual). Before this online situation ended, I began to think that she was going to teach me about my sexual world which I've longed for this knowledge and experience; for her, I began to think I was going to show her that it's OK to be at least a little open emotionally which leads to a deeper experience. Maybe sometimes I just need to see sex for sex which would be often be easier. quote: Yes. Everybody has to start somewhere. People won't know what they like without trying it, and sometimes they'll find they like things they didn't expect and dislike things they thought they'd like.It can go in any direction. I like exploring things with somebody since it's nice to bond over shared experiences. I was hoping that the exploration would be interesting if I lack experience. This isn't the only area I lack experience, so I suppose I'll just decide to think positively (smile). It would be interesting Kita if that's the kind of woman I find along the way. There's more to my story but it really was this young dominant woman who was a significant part to this awakening in me so I'll be more open. Thanks for the rational and experienced comments. I still just wish this woman would meet me so I know so I'd know just how much I was duped.

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