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Arpig -> RE: called a gamer (1/25/2006 10:22:32 AM)
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ok, here we go.
I read this whole ythread, and found a lot in here that i wanted to reply to, so I will try to address them all.
First, to the OP....liltess, to your basic question, were you wrong to feel that way...no of course not, one is never wrong to feel anything, what you feel is what you feel, and there is no right or wrong to it, however were you wrong to react to your feelings the way you did, I say yes.
By emailing him and phoning him, and then by effectively requiring him to account for his whereabouts for the day, you were acting inappropriately, not aggressively, but domineeringly, and while an aggressive sub is often acceptable, a domineering sub is not.
You yourself said that you had been basically a top for 12 years and find it hard to break those habits, and that he is generally very patient with you about it...well what happened here is you slipped back into your old habits big-time, by expecting him (who is supposed to be your master) to be available and to respond to your communications emmediatly, and you did so on a day when he had little patience, and in return you again slipped into your old controlling ways and replied with a petulant and childish "possibly".
quote:
but I thought if a submissive had a problem she is to talk to over with her Master and come to a resolution
In this you are correct, however in this situation, you handled it poorly, because when he said he was thinking about what you had said, you continued to give him "attitude" ( to use mistoferin's term). While I agree that a dom/master should talk things over with their sub(s) when something is bothering the sub(s), I do not feel that he should be required to do so when and where the sub demands it. to my eye he basically said he wanted to think about it before replying and he would call back later to complete the discussion, to me that is an entirely reasonable response in any relationship (although I will also concede that when I am upset, i do not like getting this sort of response either, but it is in fact a very reasonable and sensible course of action, to take the time to think through things before continuing the discussion). I think MistofErin's advice is bang on, a different approach on your part would have avoided the entire problem.
Now on to the various replies i wanted to touch on:
LuckyAlbatross and others said:
quote:
But i have to agree that he is avoiding the issue by putting it on you. red flag.
Sometimes accusations are a way to distract a person from the core issues.
It means that distracting you with accusations of wrongdoing puts YOU in the hot seat and lets the other person's wrongdoings fall off the radar.
He reacted by attacking you and hanging up on you.
While the sentiments expressed here are indeed valid, they have nothing to do with the present situation, I do not see where the Dom has a wrongdoing to sidestep, what is it he did wrong...he turned off his phone and slept in. How is that a wrongdoing.
quote:
BitaTruble:
All that said, to me, the biggest red flag in this whole issue is not his behavior from today, it's the behavior from last night. He had so little control over his drinking that he got a hangover which prevented him from going about his daily routine. He had to turn off the phone and nurse himself because of over-indulgence in alcohol. He wasn't in control last night which led to the problems of today.
This is just inane. The man had a few drinks and had a hangover, and slept in. Why do you assume he had "so little control" the night before, he may have been in complete control, he may have wanted to get drunk and unwind, maybe he and some friends watched the game and drank some pints, maybe he had a great day at work, and he and his co-workers were celkebrating. And maybe he is like me, and I will have a hangover if I have even 3 beers the night before. and the assumption that the Dom is required to follow a daily routine to satisfy the sub smacks of topping from the bottom to me.
To wrap this overly long post up, liltess, I am not questioning your desire or ability to be submissive, or the quality of your submission, nor am I questioning if this Dom is the right one for you, what I will say is that since you yourself admit that you find it difficult to break the old habits, you need to consider that carefully, to make sure that a full-time D/s relationship is what you really want, maybe you need something less formal than a master who owns you, at this point in time, maybe you just need to work harder at overcoming your old habits. My advice is simple, appologise for having been snapish (the "possibly") and thentake it from there. If he continues to hold a grudge about it, or refuses to discuss things, then he probably isn't a very good Dom, but if he does discuss things, keep in mind that just because you do not totally agree with or like the end result of a discussion does not mean that the discussion has not been completed satisfactorily. if you are going to have a master, then you simply must be prepared for the fact that when you and he disagree on something, then his opinion is the one that will win out, that is the essence of D/s, and Master/slave, that the Dom/me decides.
Good luck liltess, i hope you can work things out, and if not, then I hope you can figure out just what it is you are looking for, and that you find it.
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