taking stock of something im not proud of

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InTonguesslave -> taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 5:04:24 AM)
hi, the process of submission and enslavement to a Master has amazed me. some of it has been wonderful, most of it actually, but aspects of my personality are not so wonderful and as i open myself up, give everything up and expose everything to Sir i find myself at odds with this silly, insecure child inside of me i had no idea was there. he chose the woman i am, he has no desire to own a petulant child and i have to get to grips with this sudden emergence of temper and hooliganism that seems to be lurking under my surface. im not proud of it. i know that my childish insecurities loom up from my childhood, ive worked that much out. disbelief that anyone like Sir would want me or care about me enough to put the work in. he says that i am questioning his judgement each time but it doesnt feel like that. it feels like im not good enough, and each time i behave poorly i emphasise this feeling in me. nothing he has done, he has remained constant and consistant. its not fair on my poly sis either. i have to get a grip or im going to destroy one of the best things to have happened to me in a long long while. has anyone any suggestions, other than grow the fuck up, ive already told myself that.

whiteslavebitch -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 5:38:03 AM)
I have had to deal with some of those issues. I just keep reminding myself that MasterK chose me for a reason. He has the patience of a saint. I have a lot of insecurities from childhood also. I was in therapy for about 6 months which helped a lot. MasterK kept battering at my "walls" I had built for protection. His persistance where others had given up early on really got to me. If I get thoughts about being too much work, not being good enough, I have to check myself and remind myself that he knows me well, and knows what he wants. I have to trust his judgement. Keep reminding yourself that he chose you for his reasons. It takes time. (I've known MasterK nearly 4 years, and the insecurities are getting better.)

DesFIP -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 5:48:47 AM)
Instead of acting on these feelings, own them and ask him for help each time. "I'm feeling very insecure, could I have a hug?" is a lot better than acting insecure. But if he can't deal with who you are in totality, including this very natural period you are experiencing, I don't know what to suggest.

agirl -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 5:59:24 AM)
If he is constant and consistant then sooner or later you will HAVE to believe him. Personally, my insecurities only arise when I care so very much about someone that I begin to dwell on all the possible ways I'm likely to lose them. It's possibly no help to say that I'm STILL insecure about M despite EVERY shred of evidence, over almost a decade, that is lit up in neon and screams the opposite. I see it as a slightly irrational insecurity that I just have to live with. I beat mine down with a bit of rational thinking. M owns the woman I am too.......and that means the whole lot, including the irrational, the insecure, the good the bad and the ugly. He might not LIKE every little facet of my personality and some bits positively irritate him but he can't have the good without the not so good, frankly. OK, at the moment something has surfaced for you that you don't like, you recognise it , are thinking about it and facing it. As long as you're sorting through it, I wouldn't worry too much. It'll pass in time as the weight of HIS words and actions begin to outweigh the insecurity. It might not go away but it'll probably become less of a problem when you feel slightly less vulnerable. Be prepared, there'll be others....lol agirl

InTonguesslave -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 6:03:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: whiteslavebitch I have had to deal with some of those issues. I just keep reminding myself that MasterK chose me for a reason. He has the patience of a saint. I have a lot of insecurities from childhood also. I was in therapy for about 6 months which helped a lot. MasterK kept battering at my "walls" I had built for protection. His persistance where others had given up early on really got to me. If I get thoughts about being too much work, not being good enough, I have to check myself and remind myself that he knows me well, and knows what he wants. I have to trust his judgement. Keep reminding yourself that he chose you for his reasons. It takes time. (I've known MasterK nearly 4 years, and the insecurities are getting better.) youve hit on it right there. feelings of being hard work and not being good enough - i hate thinking of myself as hard work, i check myself each time i think i might be. im here to give him pleasure, its what i do, its what i want to do, but i definitely didnt last night. he has stresses at work and i compounded them. but thank you for sharing with me, it helps to know im not the only mad insecure bunny in this warren of high octane emotions [&o]

InTonguesslave -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 6:09:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Instead of acting on these feelings, own them and ask him for help each time. "I'm feeling very insecure, could I have a hug?" is a lot better than acting insecure. But if he can't deal with who you are in totality, including this very natural period you are experiencing, I don't know what to suggest. thanks DF, he can deal with them, i just hate the fact that he has to because ive created them. i react then regret. its childish in the extreme and im amazed at myself at times, at just how out of order i can be to someone who has put so much time and effort into getting me to where i am already. i will talk to him about my insecurities, he knows that i have them and we have talked about them. but i still manage to let them get the better of me.

camille65 -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 6:13:33 AM)
Been there. I'm learning that I have to confront the feelings, accept them and then move on. It is causing a lot of problems with me right now, I'm having to really look at my past and study why I reacted in certain ways so that I don't continue to repeat them. The child I was is not worthy, the woman I am is worthy is the point I sort of am at and hope to get to 'the child was hurt, not unworthy' while continuing to reinforce that my current self is worthy. A bit tangled but I'm pressed for time and hopefully you get what I mean.

InTonguesslave -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 6:19:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: agirl If he is constant and consistant then sooner or later you will HAVE to believe him. Personally, my insecurities only arise when I care so very much about someone that I begin to dwell on all the possible ways I'm likely to lose them. It's possibly no help to say that I'm STILL insecure about M despite EVERY shred of evidence, over almost a decade, that is lit up in neon and screams the opposite. no that doesnt help.. lol [:D] but thanks - another mad bunny then, we should create a self help group here. but yes, caring as much as i do for Sir makes me worse. last night was all about that. i actually offered him the option to release me if he thought i wasnt good enough. i thought i was being generous and in actual fact i was being irritating and i irritated him and then i said something so bad im really not able to confess on here. yukkkky feelings)))) aaahhhhhhh!!! I see it as a slightly irrational insecurity that I just have to live with. I beat mine down with a bit of rational thinking. M owns the woman I am too.......and that means the whole lot, including the irrational, the insecure, the good the bad and the ugly. He might not LIKE every little facet of my personality and some bits positively irritate him but he can't have the good without the not so good, frankly. this is true and this has helped, thanks. OK, at the moment something has surfaced for you that you don't like, you recognise it , are thinking about it and facing it. As long as you're sorting through it, I wouldn't worry too much. It'll pass in time as the weight of HIS words and actions begin to outweigh the insecurity. It might not go away but it'll probably become less of a problem when you feel slightly less vulnerable. i am thinking about it, his response has been really reassuring in fact, when i think about it, it was all the reassurance i needed, though i reacted badly to it at the time. this latest 'idiot basket case reaction' has got me really thinking hard and focused me and is partly why i put this up, putting it into words and sharing it helps me to compound my decision to do better and accept these insecurities but not thrust them down his neck Be prepared, there'll be others....lol cheers [&:] agirl

InTonguesslave -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 6:22:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: camille65 Been there. I'm learning that I have to confront the feelings, accept them and then move on. It is causing a lot of problems with me right now, I'm having to really look at my past and study why I reacted in certain ways so that I don't continue to repeat them. The child I was is not worthy, the woman I am is worthy is the point I sort of am at and hope to get to 'the child was hurt, not unworthy' while continuing to reinforce that my current self is worthy. A bit tangled but I'm pressed for time and hopefully you get what I mean. yes i do, thank you. though of course the hurt child was and is worthy and in a way thats what this is about maybe. that child needs to be healed somehow.

DesFIP -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 7:07:40 AM)
Sorry, short answer before. The point I meant to make is that there is no way to get to the emotionally vulnerable and open point without going through this. Presumably he has been through this before with your sistersub and knows what to expect. But in opening ourselves, in revealing our innermost thoughts and desires, we also must open that hurt child inside. Unfortunately you can't just open the sex slut and not open every door. We either take down the walls all the way or we stay safe and alone behind them. Times like this are when a touch of D/lg in a dynamic comes in way useful. I don't know about your Sir but mine finds dealing with my stresses to be a welcome break from his own. Especially since a little cuddling and hugging helps both of us feel better, not just s types need skin hunger fed. Anyway, are you sure you were that much more stressful on him or is that your own perfectionism speaking? Helps if you ask him instead of assuming. Just because calming you wasn't on his plan for the evening doesn't mean he didn't feel good for having done so successfully. But we all go through this, so relax and accept the journey.

littleone35 -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 7:25:52 AM)
I am not sure if this will help but have you ever thought of getting professional help? It could hlep you overcomes these feelings and if not overcome them then deal with them. I don't think they will ever go away 100% but a professional can help you find the root of what is causing them. Matt's littleone

chamberqueen -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 7:26:09 AM)
My Master taught me a very good lesson when I was once in a self deprecating mood. He simply said, "stop". He told me never to knock the gifts that God gave me, that he was very choosy and would not have picked me for a slave unless he saw desirable things in me. After that when I would catch myself in a mood and feeling like I couldn't possibly be good enough that single word would come back to mind - STOP. Most Masters vastly prefer a sub or slave with a good self esteem that truly make the choice to submit rather than someone who submits, in part, simply because they don't feel good about themselves. I had to rewrite old broken records in myself and stop thinking of myself as someone not worth while. I had a lot of negative influences throughout my life and there were good reasons for my patterns, but that didn't make them right. Telling someone that you are somehow not good enough is often a way of looking for validation whether you realize it at the time or not. Think how much prouder he would be if you could report to him at the end of the day that you stopped yourself from thinking negatively because you knew it would be pleasing to him rather than approaching him after a hard day of work and telling him that you are sure that you couldn't have done well enough. Use the "stop" theory for a few days and see if it doesn't help. I know that it was a huge help to me and aided me in healing a lot of old emotional wounds. I use it as much in my vanilla life as anywhere else and people have seen a big difference in me. I'm sure it would help you, too.

agirl -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 7:40:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: InTonguesslave quote: ORIGINAL: whiteslavebitch I have had to deal with some of those issues. I just keep reminding myself that MasterK chose me for a reason. He has the patience of a saint. I have a lot of insecurities from childhood also. I was in therapy for about 6 months which helped a lot. MasterK kept battering at my "walls" I had built for protection. His persistance where others had given up early on really got to me. If I get thoughts about being too much work, not being good enough, I have to check myself and remind myself that he knows me well, and knows what he wants. I have to trust his judgement. Keep reminding yourself that he chose you for his reasons. It takes time. (I've known MasterK nearly 4 years, and the insecurities are getting better.) youve hit on it right there. feelings of being hard work and not being good enough - i hate thinking of myself as hard work, i check myself each time i think i might be. im here to give him pleasure, its what i do, its what i want to do, but i definitely didnt last night. he has stresses at work and i compounded them. but thank you for sharing with me, it helps to know im not the only mad insecure bunny in this warren of high octane emotions [&o] It's a good thing not to WANT to be an arse-pain ....but life doesn't work like that and sometimes we are. I can't arrange my feelings around M's work schedules, however practical and ideal that might be. I admit that my reasons for being with M are not at all bound up in being here to bring him pleasure. That's a bridge too far for me with anyone. I KNOW that I'm hard work at times, but if I knocked myself for it each time, I'd be exhausted. As long as I'm sure that I'm not deliberately being hard work then what more can I do? I'd LIKE to be a pleasant person to be around ALL of the time, but I'm not and I never, ever will be. He is sometimes a little short with me when he's tired, he's sometimes not as patient or as understanding when he's got a lot on his plate. He's not deliberately doing it.....and so it passes as one of those times. agirl

feydeplume -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 7:45:08 AM)
That feeling of being a burden, or just adding stress or work or ick into your M's life ebbs and flows. Sometimes the trigger is external, sometimes it is internal. The STOP, to get the hamsters of doom from running unending circles around in your brain, does work, especially if you start substituting other words for the negative ones that you were telling yourself. Can your sis be there for you and can you ask HER for a hug, a touch, some concrete proof that you are valued and real when M isn't there? We all have tantrums from time to time, usually when things in our heads (That we should have taken to our M's as they happened, but we said "i'll wait til later cuz" and lied by omission) have built up and burst. It's not just the issues themselves, it is also the way we handled the build up of those emotions that makes us freak and go all ultimatum extremist. Past damage mixed with NOT giving it to your M (journal, bits of paper in a jar, text message, whatever) does create "idiot basket case" stuff. And because our lives have become very absolute (one authority, one judge/jury/executioner, one fixation point for sexuality etc), we absolutely go bonkers at times. hugs you are loved and valued, both now and in the future. You dark, icky secrets are dear precieous things when they are exposed to the light in your M's eyes. You accept his judgement in all things, so accept it in this one too and stop being willful and prideful and withholding yourself. You are his treasure and you are worthy to serve and you do please.

eyesopened -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 7:50:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chamberqueen My Master taught me a very good lesson when I was once in a self deprecating mood. He simply said, "stop". After that when I would catch myself in a mood and feeling like I couldn't possibly be good enough that single word would come back to mind - STOP. My Master uses exactly the same word. It works wonders! The other thing I do is to remind myself that I am a slave and as such it is not my place to doubt my Master's judgements. It is not my decision whether I am pretty enough or sexy enough or good enough. That is up to my Master to decide. If He says I am pretty then it would be a crime against our relationship to tell Him He is wrong! So I surrender my insecurities just like I surrendered my apartment, my job, my furniture to be here.

agirl -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 8:08:12 AM)
To be honest, I don't feel I'm a burden sometimes....I KNOW I am. My sprogs are a burden too, for me, sometimes. They don't MEAN to be, but they are. Once you're responsible for something/someone the potential is there for it to be so at times. That's just life. agirl

CatdeMedici -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 8:28:18 AM)
If at this time in your life, you are still questioning your self worth, its worth the investment in a few sessions of therapy. Its like dieting, sometimes you just need afew hints and tips to get the ball moving.

Mercnbeth -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 8:36:59 AM)
this slave is not allowed to "beat herself up"...internally or otherwise...He made that perfectly clear. that's His job...and He'll do it when He sees fit. recognizing that, mentally, stops the internal dialogue, for this slave. over the last 6 years, there have been a few times(totalling a car, recovering from surgery) when He has had to remind this slave of that...and for that she is very grateful. best of luck to you!

DavanKael -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 9:53:30 AM)
Hi, lally---- I am sorry you are so uncomfortable right now. It is difficult when you have really old scripts running through your head to cast them aside but sometimes, that is what needs to happen; allowing new scripts to fill those spaces lest the old ones slide back in to the places left blank. It's more difficult than it sounds. I do not know your Sir but if he is a good man, he should be there to help, to be a gide-post for you, to stand with you as you are working on those things internal. Of course, allowing him to be in charge is the obvious answer but reaching inside one's own skull isn't tht simple or straight-forward. While I truly believe in the veracity of submission and that partners who are in the Dominant stance can be worthy of being in charge, so too do I belive that there are certain things we must set right within ourselves. Some have mentioned counseling. That could be a good avenue for you. Also, journaling may help you to flesh out your thoughts and visualize the changes you wish to make via written words on a page. And, time. Waiting is. :> Davan

InTonguesslut -> RE: taking stock of something im not proud of (3/17/2009 9:54:06 AM)
quote: disbelief that anyone like Sir would want me or care about me enough to put the work in. it feels like im not good enough, I've said it before and i'll keep saying it until you can do it !! I truly wish you could see yourself through Sir's and mine's eyes because you'd feel a hell of a lot different. [:D] quote: its not fair on my poly sis either. I can hack it [:)] You hack my floops, i hack your fritzes, it's what it's all about!! quote: i have to get a grip or im going to destroy one of the best things to have happened to me in a long long while. I won't let ya !! quote: has anyone any suggestions, other than grow the fuck up, ive already told myself that Yup same advice you gave me 'chilllllll', you're only human [:D]

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