Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Too much vanilla


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Too much vanilla Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 3:36:41 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		He DOES see..he's just not going to change for you.

You have two choices. You can continue to serve and submit to him because that's who you are even without anything in return other than his love for you and be content in that or you can move on and try again with someone else and hope they may give you what you seek.

Good luck in whichever choice you make.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 5:24:39 AM   
superpowered


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		It is hard to fully analyze something when you get half of the story. I think there are important things to consider here aside from the feeling that he either doesnt care for you or doesnt love you. How old is he? Could there be reasons he has possibly lost confidence? Lost sexual desire in general? I think you should consider the possibility that it is not his feelings for you that are in question. I think that for the most part peoples views towards one another change over time. This change is not always due to a lack of love that causes a decrease in things that used to turn you on. Perhaps you can try to identify his view of you and how it has changed over time. It also would not hurt to consider that he could have declining testosterone levels. What does he tell you?

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 5:55:53 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Apart from discussing it all before you met, how long did the *fully D/s relationship* aspect last once you HAD met?

People often really like the idea of it and *give it a go* in reality, but then go on to find it's not as much of a drive as it was * on paper* so to speak.

Like many things, talking about, discussing and thinking about how you'd like something and what you'd do if you had the chance, differs from actually *doing it* day in and day out. If it's not a major drive, it'll tail off and even become a chore.

agirl

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 6:00:43 AM   
subangi


Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		I was with someone for 5 yrs ,  and just recently had learned that he had no interest in the lifestyle to begin with.....he learned it to snatch me up.  Things were great in the beginning, but then dwindled to nothing. 
Good ole hindsight says I should have ended things after the first year. 
Funny how we cling onto that thread of hope.... continue to serve.... learn to put up and shut up...when all along we are smothering our own happiness and desires.   

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 6:05:20 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

And second, I'm not trying to change him, I just Him to see that the lifestyle is a part of me and I need to incorporate that into my life.


But in order for that to happen--He has to change his approach---its a hard choice, if its that important to you, then you have to make some hard decisions,--if you love HIm that much and don't want to lose Him, then your needs have to be packed in the trunk.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 6:12:11 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Pardon the gender bias here but men, in general like to solve things or fix things.  Perhaps a calm, unemotional sit-down saying something like "I know I've said this before but I really need more D/s and kink in my life to feel fulfilled, happy and special.  How would you suggest I meet these needs?"  Do not say "you never.... you don't...I want you to...." That just puts him on the defensive.  They are your needs, state them as yours.

Now, if he says "Go find another guy."  Then as painful as it would be, you have your answer and the solution to your problem all in one. 

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 6:23:03 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

He's not that into you.


I don't believe this.
I was with a Dominant for four years and he sounds just like this guy. I know he loved me and thats without a doubt.
I got a confession out of him one night after one too many whiskies. I called his bluff and told him I didn't feel submissive anymore and he leaned forward with a big relieved grin on his face and said 'thank god for that cos I really am not into all this domination stuff.'
I had spent over two years believing that perhaps he 'just wasn't into me' and thats a horrible place to be.

I loved him and stayed with him for a further 2 years but in the end I had to leave.


_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 6:36:00 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		You have put allot of time and energy into someone that doesn't reciprocate back. Does this seem healthy to you? It doesn't seem like he can be what you want him to be. Why continue to be unhappy? Only you can decide if you want to continue to live this way.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 6:48:22 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

He's not that into you.


I don't believe this.
I was with a Dominant for four years and he sounds just like this guy. I know he loved me and thats without a doubt.
I got a confession out of him one night after one too many whiskies. I called his bluff and told him I didn't feel submissive anymore and he leaned forward with a big relieved grin on his face and said 'thank god for that cos I really am not into all this domination stuff.'
I had spent over two years believing that perhaps he 'just wasn't into me' and thats a horrible place to be.

I loved him and stayed with him for a further 2 years but in the end I had to leave.



I don't believe your former relationship has any bearing on the OP's relationship.

BadOne


< Message edited by SailingBum -- 3/18/2009 6:54:46 AM >

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 7:11:48 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Pardon the gender bias here but men, in general like to solve things or fix things. Perhaps a calm, unemotional sit-down saying something like "I know I've said this before but I really need more D/s and kink in my life to feel fulfilled, happy and special. How would you suggest I meet these needs?" Do not say "you never.... you don't...I want you to...." That just puts him on the defensive. They are your needs, state them as yours.

Now, if he says "Go find another guy." Then as painful as it would be, you have your answer and the solution to your problem all in one.
I like this because it's the first reply that suggests trying something other than what has already been tried (and not worked.)
It also suggests thinking of the problem from a different angle.

I tend to try optimism first when I read threads like this. I wonder if somebody (one or both partners) isn't just stuck in a rut or something.

But the people who have replied with more hard-line replies do sound pretty sober.
Especially if you think you are later going to regret spending the time to try and tinker with this relationship.

The way I see it, though; you're already in it, and there are some good things about it, so it's worth taking a little time to tinker with it.

You have to sort of balance out these various factors: what you'd like; what you'd be willing to compromise; how much time to alot to see if things changed, etc.

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 7:22:44 AM   
mastermoz


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/18/2009
Status: offline 		Sorry to say this, but it takes effort on the part of the Dominant to carry on, maintain and keep control within a D/s relationship.  It sounds like he can't be bothered, and if this is the case then he simply does not have the Dom inside him.

You've already told him what you want and need, and shown patience.  Sounds like he doesn't have your desires and needs first and foremost in his heart and mind.  I feel for you, I really do, a very hard choice to have to make.

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 8:04:10 AM   
Knite064


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline 		Alot of He loves me he loves me not speculation on this thread but id like to throw another perspective in just to confuse matters !
When i first meet someone i would say im only into light play with them but if and when the feelings grow i find the more im into her then the more comfortable i am with harder forms of play and this goes on a gradual upward scale until either we reach one or anothers limits or it all just fizzles out.
Im speculating(nothing more)that its possible the guy you met was just as into the bdsm angle as you were but possibly as his feelings grew for you he channeled play as hurting someone he cared for and hence became reluctant to continue down that path.
Quite possibly my speculation is way off the mark but the point is theres other angles to view this dilemma from and the only way of sorting it out is a sensible adult showdown at the D/s coral(high noon is as good a time as any but not a pre requisite)...then decide from there whats best for you.

be well and i hope it comes good for you both

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 10:08:13 AM   
FawneTwo


Posts: 98
Status: offline 		Could it be he isn't into S M?

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 5:10:09 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FawneTwo

Could it be he isn't into S M?


That was my first thought, or he lost interest in it. It's not for everybody I didn't read all the posts but I assumed someone already mentioned that.

BadOne


_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to FawneTwo)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 6:47:23 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl85
"I have a problem and I don't know how to fix it"...
quote:

ORIGINAL: FawneTwo
Please read this sentence again. What is missing?...
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl85
...what is missing? Cuz the sentence seems fine to me. ...

I think what FawneTwo was getting at is that the guy doesn't seem to be involved in the process. The original post (probably inadvertantly) makes it seem like he's an inert object on the couch or something.

At least, that was my impression, which is why I like the ideas which attempt to engage him in some way.

But yeah, the basic question of whether or not he's really into having a D/s relationship and, if so, how he envisions that is probly a good place to start.

< Message edited by Jeptha -- 3/18/2009 6:48:30 PM >

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 9:02:51 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		He was never into D/s. He was just doing whatever it took to get into your pants, initially. Its a classic bait-and-switch.

Even now, you could talk until you're blue in the face (as you seem to be saying you have) and he still just thinks of it as a sexual kink. He doesn't understand that  you need D/s as a lifestyle.

On a very deep, fundamental level: he doesn't really understand about you.

Been there, done that- when I was submissive.

You don't have to waste as much time as I did. I wish I had that time back, because I'm much worse, for the wear.

It is heartbreaking, but please face facts: he is vanilla.
 
As others here have said, you need to make a choice. Stay in a relationship where you are feeling deeply and profoundly unfulfilled, with someone who can't understand you no matter how eloquently you state your needs... Stay in a relationship with someone who truly cannot fill your needs...

Or leave it, and go forth to seek the kind of relationship, with the kind of person, that will be deeply, beautifully satisfying and fulfilling for you.

If I had it to do over again, I'd leave in a heartbeat. I felt like my soul was dying away. 

He just could not understand about me no matter how many times or ways I tried to explain it to him, because he was vanilla.

You won't get this time back. Be brave. You'll not only free yourself up to seek your bliss, you'll also give him a chance to find a nice vanilla partner. One who will make him very happy as well as being very happy with him.

If you don't care enough about your own unmet needs, to make the change... Then please think of him. Don't you want him to be happy?
 
He will only be more angry and resentful of you, wondering why the real him isn't good enough for you, the longer you stay with him. The situation will continue to deteriorate. It will not get better. You are already fighting. How long will you let this go on?

*steps down off soap box*

Edited to add: I posted this before reading the other replies. OP: you've gotten some great advice here. Antipode, subangi, and allthatjazz's posts are right on the mark.

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 3/18/2009 10:16:04 PM >

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 9:08:03 PM   
MsDDom


Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline
quote:

It looks like you may have a hard choice ahead of you - him or the lifestyle.

i agree w/ DarkSteven...

S/some get in a rut and go back to "basics" (vanilla)...ans so be it.  If u r a true Lifer, then u wont stay long in that situation...or u will stay, be frustrated and unhappy...


_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...
... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 10:05:35 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

he had no interest in the lifestyle to begin with.....he learned it to snatch me up.


Exactly my point. Seems to be an all too common occurrence. I guess that's how we all learn...

(in reply to subangi)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/19/2009 8:33:49 AM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your advice. I sat down and talked to him, because even with this one problem we have, I do love him and I  know he loves me- If he didn't, after everything we've been thru, he wouldn't still be with me. 

Apparently there are some things going on, that he wasn't ready to talk to me about,- which I completly understand because I'm the same way. We are going to work on things and he is going to be a little more Dominant.

Thanks again everyone

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/19/2009 9:42:24 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Pardon the gender bias here but men, in general like to solve things or fix things


I don't know, as a generalization, that I agree with you. I don't think men like to fix themselves - a good "example" being how many men change after their partner has bolted. My best example is me, of course - blind to my alcohol consumption for so many years, its contribution to failed relationships, it took my first DUI, and the $10,000 or so cost of it, for me to ask myself what exactly the point of my drinking was. And stop. It was actually easy.

If someone effects change in order to land that relationship, you can bet your bottom dollar that once the motivation for the change is gone, they will revert to who they were before, to their "innate programming". Call me jaded - but when my wife turned around and said she wanted to make babies, something we had together determined we would not do, as it would impact our careers too much, and would I please have my vasectomy reversed, I just knew there was nothing I could do. I eventually handed her back to her boyfriend-of-old, and she is happy, four kids (two of which not hers), and she gave up her career. And I advise anybody faced with the need for change to do this - don't tinker, set your partner free - if they have the capability for change they will, and you are otherwise going to be much happier finding the shoe that fits.

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Too much vanilla Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109