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Unclothed - 3/21/2009 4:31:12 AM

QriusCat

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline

Hi. Thanks for taking a moment to read this.

I am new to collarme. I have been reading as much as I can day and night, but I have a question that I haven't found an answer to.
I see that there are many intelligent and thoughtful people posting in this forum and I would love to get some advice!

I will try and provide some background info so that you can better understand this...
I have had a really rough past few years. I put on weight. I went through an abusive relationship where I was belittled and told I was disgusting.
I have always had self-esteem issues and been very shy about my body, but it has become a bit of a phobia. I do not EVER undress around anyone. I wear long pants and long sleeve shirts. I wear sweaters over the shirts just in case. This is not a little thing for me. I will not even wear short pants or short sleeves around my best friend or mother.

It is a very serious block of mine. Once a man I dated tried to "love me" through it, but I cried, shook, hyperventilated, and accidentally hit him when my fight or flight response kicked it. He couldn't deal with my "issues" and that ended. (I can imagine how difficult that must have been for him and I don't blame him for giving up)

My question - Is it a dealbreaker to meet a a girl like me who is not willing to remove her clothing and especially not be totally naked?

How would I even begin to describe this problem to someone new? Would you be scared off by this?

I know that the answer is different for everyone.
I know that I just need to find the right dom to make it work.
BUT, for now I am here and can't even get to that point without a bit of knowledge.
Also, I know that some are liberated from these fears once their dom pushes them through it but I would have to feel so completely loved and adored to even get to that point... and I am afraid that I will never even get close if no one will deal with this issue.

Sorry for the long post. Ask me anything, I will answer honestly.

I look forward to your response.

Post #: 1

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 5:40:39 AM

kazzaslave

Posts: 291
Joined: 12/12/2008
Status: offline

First of all it's perfectly understandable that you are so afraid of being seen naked or even partially undressed given your past abusive relationship. I'm not sure how long it's been since that relationship ended but the mind is a powerful thing, and it's hard to let go of being conditoned to believe you are ugly. I was also in an abusive relationship and although it's been a little over a year since it's ended, I'm still finding myself reacting to certain situations the way I did when it was him I was reacting to.

I think the key is learning to trust again. Somewhere out there is a Dom who will be patient and build up your trust and self esteem before even thinking of having you undress. He will take things slowly, perhaps having you dress (as you do) in layers and slowly have you remove a layer, wait until you are comfortable, and then progress to the next.

I am presently with a Master who knows about my past abusive relationship and is working to build my self esteem; at the same time he is helping me change my reactions to the abuse, carefully and slowly. So you see, they ARE out there, it's a question of finding a Dom who is right for you. I'm not saying it'll happen overnight, but it IS possible.

Good luck with your search, choose carefully and it'll happen.

kazza

_____________________________

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All kazza's postings are approved by Master Malkinius

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(in reply to QriusCat)

Post #: 2

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 5:40:42 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

i noticed your profile says you know you arent a slave. all women arent slaves... until they meet the man who makes them want to be. ~grins~ now i get to wait on the arguments for that one... lol

i only mention that because your fear of undressing is close to what my own fear was. i was up to 400 lbs at one time. yes, i proudly lost a whole person. ~needs to send out the coast guard for retrieval sometime~ this may be something you cannot get past by yourself. i found a man who made my knees weak just by thinking of him. he wanted me naked. i wanted to please him. i learned how to fight through that fear in order to please. its still hard, i still get worried. i realized i cannot tell anyone what to think of me. i am me, all good, bad, flabby or ugly. when a man sees you, some see only that. some see the inner beauty. trust a man when he says your beautiful. we dont often, as women, see what a man sees when they look at us.

_____________________________

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RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to QriusCat)

Post #: 3

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 6:08:51 AM

cantilena

Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline

Hello-

It sounds like terror to me, the way you describe this part of life. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this... nothing in my experience compares to it, so I don't know if my comments add value, but here goes anyway. I do empathize with fear, just not in that area.

Have you considered counseling? I'm not sure, because all I know is what you've typed here, but sometimes it's not the relationships we're in that can fix things. Sometimes, professional help can provide enormous relief,

The second thought I have is simply around positive thinking. I know that in myself, if I'm really down (and often I have reason when that happens!), the best course is to actually do something about what's bugging me. It might be helpful to take the first steps toward losing weight if that's what has you so down on yourself, for example. Maybe just even the actions of daily improvement - no matter how small they are at first - can effect a liftoff for you in your attitudes toward your body.

Best to you.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 4

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 6:15:21 AM

marysdream

Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
Status: offline

Hi
I think you know the answers, but here goes....no one can fix this but you..and especially on here....you have a serious problem that requires you to seek help professionally, so you can be a whole person! you will be setting yourself of for more damage on here...so think about this it is your life your journey...be strong!
ree

(in reply to QriusCat)

Post #: 5

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 6:22:19 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I was in a very similar situation. I had gotten very heavy and my husband (now ex) would make a lot of nasty comments about it. I would not wear shorts in the summer no matter how hot it got, thought since I can't stand the heat I did wear short sleeves.

Even though I've lost weight I don't think I will ever be fully comfortable with my body. When you are told day after day how disgusting you are it leaves its mark. You need to go through a healing process. You can start alone, taking off a layer at a time when you are by yourself and getting more comfortable with that. I used to look in the mirror, and when the nasty thoughts would come (ugly, fat, boring, or whatever) I would make myself smile and tell myself, "I am what I am". I can't change the fact that I'm nearing 50, that one eyebrow is more arched than the other, or the fact that I'm pear shaped but I could change my way of thinking about myself. I dieted and exercised and am now within a healthy weight range. My body shows signs of the extra weight I carried before but there is nothing that I can do about that so I just accept it as part of who I am.

My Master thought of me as beautiful even though I couldn't see it in myself. It would make me think of what my gramma used to tell me when I was little, "beauty is as beauty does". If you can concentrate more on your actions than on your looks it will help you to heal. Think how much it means to a stranger to get an unexpected smile. Often when your main concern is putting someone else at ease rather than yourself you find that you quickly become more comfortable along with it.

If you can't get past the problem on your own then I agree that counseling is a good choice. If you don't want to go to a therapist then even getting a good self help book can be a very good thing, or searching for articles on the internet. Unless you are looking to be a service only slave then I doubt that many Masters would be interested in having a sub that is afraid to even bare her arms. Perhaps if you came to trust them enough they could help you through it but I truly believe that this is something that you need to start working on yourself before offering yourself to a man and letting him know that a hard limit is exposing yourself at all. Most Doms would simply not see that as reasonable.

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(in reply to cantilena)

Post #: 6

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 7:35:53 AM

ExKat

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline

I think that you need to solve this problem before you seek out a relationship. Although many women have serious, even debilitating fear of showing their bodies, yours clearly is affecting your life to the point where you need more help than a loving dominant can offer. Although I can see you starting a relationship with someone, I don't think it's fair to the dominant. Physical sensations is a huge part of what BDSM is about. Although many tout the spiritual aspects of it, most of us start out in the bedroom. Your handicap would be a problem in a regular intimate relationship, in a kinky one, I imagine that the problem would be intensified.

Basically, I don't think its fair to go seeking love from an outside source when you have no love for yourself. Relationships don't exist to 'fix' us, and that almost looks to be what you're looking for.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 7

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 7:44:31 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

I'm sorry to hear that the past abuse has wounded you so deeply..

I'm going to agree with those that suggested counseling. Having dom that supports you can be a wonderful thing, but unless he's a trained professional he is not going to be able to help you resolve the issues.

I also agree that it's a good idea to hold off on entering a relationship until you have undergone counseling for a while.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ExKat)

Post #: 8

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 8:40:21 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

you can find a dom who will fuck you with the lights out, while you're fully dressed, or you can deal with your issues and love yourself before trying to find someone else to love you.

(in reply to QriusCat)

Post #: 9

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 8:44:37 AM

espz

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline

First, I am new here also, but I find it surprising that you posted this in the Ask A Master section and not a single Dom/Master, in particularly a man, has answered your question. It could just be that this is new enough that others haven't seen and responded yet.

Second, please seek some sort of professional help. This lifestyle is great for many things regarding finding who you really are and where you fit into the world, but you said you resorted to physical violence accidentally, and that truly does require a professional to deal with.

Third, I have personally dealt with this regarding two women who have many issues from being abused both physically and mentally. It is a long, hard road that requires much patience and understanding, and a little bit of psychological background certainly helps. I have spent 8 years trying to slowly build up my wife's confidence after her 18 year marriage to a world class asshole ended. There are many steps forward with lots of steps backwards on this journey. This, however, is a lifetime commitment that we are both working on together. I am also working with another sub, a woman I have known since High School, who has been abused many times throughout the years and has serious body image issues. I believe it is a little easier for her to deal with these things along with my wife, as they both start at the same level during our scenes together.

Having said that, a man might be able to help but I really think you would probably benefit more from talking to/working with a female Dom with the skin issues, at least at first. It is a matter of confidence, and doing this in front of another woman *might* be easier for you. I can only guess at that, of course. You will have to work with someone who fully understands these issues before hand, of course.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 10

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 10:04:49 AM

FelineFae

Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline

What strange animals we humans are. Most clothing will not stop blades or bullets, but we wear it as armor just the same. We also use it to tell the world who we are, or who we want them to think we are. But what happens when we take this away? We are all the same, in the sence that we are a collection of skin, blood, and bone, and that leaves us vunerable. And forced into honesty.

Feel free to cmail me, i'd be happy to help if i can. Maybe i am reading things between the line that aren't there, but is the issue more that of vunerablity than clothing?

edited cuz i can't spell.

< Message edited by FelineFae -- 3/21/2009 10:07:00 AM >

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Individual results may vary.

(in reply to espz)

Post #: 11

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 10:28:15 AM

YoursMistress

Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline

I agree with the need for professional assistance. Please be selective and try to find someone who is sensitive to your BDSM needs and desires. Look for someone that specializes in or at least understands "sensate focus." I have a very knowledgeable therapist (LA area) who I am working with on some similar issues. I can ask for a recommendation in your area. Drop me a note if you wish.

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to FelineFae)

Post #: 12

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 10:43:50 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

~FR~

A dom without professional experience, no matter how good his intentions may be, can possibly do more harm than good when dealing with deep seated issues.

OP see a counselor. Google Kink Aware Professionals, see if theres one in your area.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to YoursMistress)

Post #: 13

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 10:51:16 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

I have to agree with GT. Slavery is not a form of therapy.

I do wish you well.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 14

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 12:04:22 PM

FelineFae

Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline

i agree some professional therapy is needed. if nothing else, you should be motivated to go because this issue is keeping you from a part of your life that you really want to move forward in.

_____________________________

FelineFae
All right reserved by Chaos
: Disclaimer :
Do not expose FelineFae to direct sunlight.
FelineFae cannot spell in any language.
Granting of Fae-Wishes VOID where prohibitededed.
Individual results may vary.

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 15

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 12:16:27 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

Qrius,

This may be something you're not quite ready for, but in time you will be. I'm sorry about the abuse you've suffered, and from you've told us, the mental scarring is quite deep. Right now you're victim, what you want to be is a survivor. I'm not blaming you for your position. Blaming the victim is foolish. Your response to everything has been natural and (sadly) normal. Therapy will help you realize that only you give others the ability to keep you down. Only you can make you feel ugly.

Until you figure this thing out (which will be worlds easier alongside a professional) I would not start any relationships without making crystal-fucking-clear how you feel. You don't need the stress of a dom who you've grown to love and respect pressuring you because he doesn't understand the depth of your predicament. It can be done simply, early on, and save you headaches and heartaches later.

Some things to consider, feel free to view these rhetorically - the point of this exercise is for you to better understand an outsider's curiosity, and therefore know what to explain to potential doms.

How do you feel about skin tight clothing?
How do you feel about sex when dressed, inclusive of providing oral sex?
How would you feel about being naked with a mask on?
How do you feel about lingerie?
How do you feel about showing your feet, ankles, and toes?
How comfortable are you discussing how you feel? (Apparently quite comfortable)
How do you feel about being touched, intimately and otherwise?
Would you undress in front of a doctor, in a purely medical setting and pretense?
How do you feel about bondage, namely the helplessness?

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 16

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 1:30:59 PM

LovingMistress45

Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline

QriusCat,

I am very sorry you have been through an abusive relationship. However, looking for a Dom to fix it for you is unfair to him and you. You need to whole before you are looking for someone to give yourself to. You said you already had one man try to love you through it and it didn't work. You need to seek counseling - someone with knowledge of domestic violence issues, body issues and self-esteem issues. Your fear of being without clothing I think is much more than just a body issue.

To pursue a relationship with BDSM involvement could be very dangerous for your emotional stability when you so obviously still have open wounds.

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 17

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 1:47:03 PM

QriusCat

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline

I apologize, I think I failed to give enough details. I was trying to keep it short but I obviously left out some very pertinent info. My mistake, I am not only new to collarme, but to posting online in general. I really appreciate all of your comments thus far. You are a great group of people and I am so pleased to have access to this forum!

I think I need to clarify -

The abusive relationship was several years ago. I have been in counseling for more than 2 years now. I have worked really hard to become comfortable with my inner self and regain some self-esteem.

While this is a major thing for me, it is only a piece of the puzzle. I am stronger and happier now than I was in the past. I have gotten to the point where I wear fitted clothes and fewer layers. Last week I went out to a bar (although I must admit I knew it had dim lighting) and wore a lower cut top and tighter jeans. I am actively trying to deal with this and working very hard at it. Most people that know me see me as a fun, confident, and strong woman.

As for the weight, it has been difficult. Since the beginning of this year I have been actively working at it. Yes, I am losing some weight and that is fantastic, but (as any woman who has shed many pounds can tell you) it is almost worse to have your body shift, wiggle, sag, etc. while you are trying to lose it.

My therapist has been very supportive of my sexual desires. I don't know if that means she is kink/BDSM friendly, but she seems to find it within the realm of "normal" behavior. She in fact was the one who supported this decision to move forward looking for a relationship and/or playmate. She says that I have progressed a great deal and that denying myself intimacy with someone is not helping me either way. The unclothed part is sort of my final frontier (beyond weight) although I know I will probably work at this for the rest of my life Of course she said quite a bit about choosing a safe, supportive person. Overall though, she supports me trying to let someone in. Maybe I should get a second opinion?
She also suggested that maybe I could start with long skirts and tights to get used the the feeling of less clothing and feel more sensation. (I have told her that I am fond of spankings) Then I could work up to skirts with garters and thigh highs and so on. I thought it was fantastic that my therapist was so ready to offer real world solutions!

As someone posted earlier, it is very often a vulnerability issue. That is why I thought moving forward in a D/s relationship might might be ok. Everything I read mentions many D's being supportive, loving, and caring to their subs... and the subs talk about feeling safe, protected, and fearless. The Doms/Dommes I know all fit the bill in some way or another. That appeals to me very much.

Finally (sorry so long) I have a Dom friend that has been flirting with me for a long time. We have grown closer and he has worked up to touching me beneath my clothing a bit. I trust him very much and I am just a bowl of jello every time he looks at me. (In the best possible way!) I am so hesitant to even bring this up and have to go over it all with him.

Why in the world would he want to be bothered with all of that? Even if he was willing to accept the challenge - what would he get out of this?

I am getting the sense from your responses so far that it is unfair to him. I can understand that and I absolutely don't want to be a burden. Perhaps in a year or so I will be more ready to begin on this path. I will just keep working on my comfort level alone.

Oh, last thing. I know I can and should talk to him about this and not ask a ton of strangers... but he is such a "dragon-slayer/knight in shining armor" type that he will just see me as a damsel in distress and take me under his wing. I don't want that. I want him to choose to love and train me, not work on me like a broken toy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you again.

(in reply to QriusCat)

Post #: 18

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 1:54:38 PM

QriusCat

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

Qrius,

This may be something you're not quite ready for, but in time you will be. I'm sorry about the abuse you've suffered, and from you've told us, the mental scarring is quite deep. Right now you're victim, what you want to be is a survivor. I'm not blaming you for your position. Blaming the victim is foolish. Your response to everything has been natural and (sadly) normal. Therapy will help you realize that only you give others the ability to keep you down. Only you can make you feel ugly.

Until you figure this thing out (which will be worlds easier alongside a professional) I would not start any relationships without making crystal-fucking-clear how you feel. You don't need the stress of a dom who you've grown to love and respect pressuring you because he doesn't understand the depth of your predicament. It can be done simply, early on, and save you headaches and heartaches later.

Some things to consider, feel free to view these rhetorically - the point of this exercise is for you to better understand an outsider's curiosity, and therefore know what to explain to potential doms.

How do you feel about skin tight clothing?
How do you feel about sex when dressed, inclusive of providing oral sex?
How would you feel about being naked with a mask on?
How do you feel about lingerie?
How do you feel about showing your feet, ankles, and toes?
How comfortable are you discussing how you feel? (Apparently quite comfortable)
How do you feel about being touched, intimately and otherwise?
Would you undress in front of a doctor, in a purely medical setting and pretense?
How do you feel about bondage, namely the helplessness?

WOW! These suggestions are wonderful! Thank you for putting this into such a simple and clear form.

Just answering a few of these in my head makes me feel like there is hope for me.

I will work on answering these questions and I think I will ask a friend of mine (Dom) to take a look and give me some feedback.

Thanks!

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 19

RE: Unclothed - 3/21/2009 2:58:16 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

QriousCat said: "I know I can and should talk to him about this and not ask a ton of strangers... but he is such a "dragon-slayer/knight in shining armor" type that he will just see me as a damsel in distress and take me under his wing. I don't want that. I want him to choose to love and train me, not work on me like a broken toy."

You very eloquently stated your needs there. I highly recommend sharing that with him, as it sounds like he is someone you trust. Life isn't something to be put on hold and if you're working with a professional who is able to support you and you have someone in your life who is a safe presence, begin this portion of your journey as well as the parts that you have already undertaken.
Should you hinge yours success on the success or failure of the relationship with your friend? No. But, if you are able to be positive presences in one anothers' lives, that is a wonderful thing. :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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(in reply to QriusCat)

Post #: 20

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