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Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 12:19:46 PM

blueyedbbw

Posts: 10
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline

To be blunt!. A little background first....My husband was a truck driver. I introduced him to this lifestyle. And He was on his way to being a great Dom, then decided after a couple of years, he wanted to be a switch, which for me, was not a good thing at all!!! We tried a open marriage, and with him being gone all the time, he was home about 4 or 5 days a month, I thought it would be ok, even though I did not like the idea I thought I would try it, but it did not work out, and I will never do it again. He would get so caught up with someone he had never even met, but only talked too online, that when I knee surgery he never even came home. He finally decided he could not handle being a Dom, cause he wanted to be sub, and he was sick of paying bills, as he put it, and wanted to live in his truck so he did not have to worry bout life . Mind you, he was almost 51, so not a child.
He moved out Memorial Day last year and died that same day. I call myself a widow cause we were married when he died, but too me, talking about him is like talking about nothing, it did not work out, and he just happened to die at a bad time. . And I know it makes me sound cold. Even though I am not. What do you think? Am I cold? I know I am not, I am just me, and needing a Doms and Master thoughts. And female opinions if you read this.
Thank you in advance.

Post #: 1

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 12:23:05 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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To me, not cold at all. In comparison I make you look like a steaming hot biscuit, fresh from the oven.

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(in reply to blueyedbbw)

Post #: 2

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 12:25:41 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Unless emotionally you had already grieved for the end of the relationship during it, which is certainly possible - I would say you were conflicted in your feelings. You were resentful that he was not the dom of your dreams, you resented having all the work of the home on you, you resented that he preferred some unknown onliner to a real woman wanting him, and you have so much anger blocking the grief that you have all your feelings shut away.

The problem with everything being locked up and undealt with is that in another relationship these feelings will begin to come out. And you'll be taking out your anger at your late husband on the new man who will not deserve it. Maybe see a grief counselor?

It's never good to drag the ghost of your last relationship into your next. You wouldn't want him in bed with you and thinking of his ex, expecting you to respond like she did, getting angry at you for things she did. So don't do it to someone else.

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(in reply to blueyedbbw)

Post #: 3

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 12:26:29 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
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Paper marriages done for citizenship have more in common with the stereotypical 1950's marriage than your arrangement. Not that it's bad, but the fact you were married is really quite passing. Legally, it's a different matter. According to your church (if you are religious) its a different matter. Practically, a marriage is based on continued effort. If you didn't tell me you two were married, I'd assume you were his booty call when he got back to his home town.

Kudos for trying to make it work, and its sad that it ended that way (instead of a death-free, terrible, drawn out, painful divorce). It seems, in your mind, you weren't married for so long, when your "husband" died, the role was already empty.

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(in reply to blueyedbbw)

Post #: 4

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 12:27:25 PM

FullCircle

Posts: 5713
Joined: 11/24/2005
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If you were cold you wouldn't care about if it sounded cold. You shouldn't think you have to feel something if you don't. Societies pressure to make us feel things and looking down on us if we don't is a load of bull. People react to things in different ways and some don't react at all. No big deal.

Besides if you are looking for confirmation of your coldness I'll doubt you'll get any here, since calling people cold is cold itself without full knowledge of the facts which no one here could ever have.

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(in reply to blueyedbbw)

Post #: 5

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 12:38:19 PM

cjan

Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
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He died the same day that he moved out ?

I hope it was a result of natural causes...otherwise, you would be a cold biscuit indeed.

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(in reply to FullCircle)

Post #: 6

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 12:49:34 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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I don't think it makes you cold. I've been expected to feel things I didn't, and I was like look I'm sorry something sad has happened but I'm just not affected by this incident, and I support that you're sad but don't expect me to feel sad too.

IT was like when my x and I broke up and I had a new relationship in a week, I had been talking to the potential for a while and we were going to be some what of a triad, and then when I cut myself free of my X, We just went on with our plans minus, the x, and people were like a week, isn't that to fast, and I was like no I grieved our relationship ending a long time ago there hasn't been a healthy relationship in a long time, I had just to make it final yet.

So I cried for a few days felt poorly and then moved on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: blueyedbbw
I call myself a widow cause we were married when he died, but too me, talking about him is like talking about nothing, it did not work out, and he just happened to die at a bad time. . And I know it makes me sound cold. Even though I am not. What do you think? Am I cold? I know I am not, I am just me, and needing a Doms and Master thoughts. And female opinions if you read this.
Thank you in advance.

(in reply to blueyedbbw)

Post #: 7

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 1:44:37 PM

candisa

Posts: 127
Joined: 1/7/2008
Status: offline

When it's over in your heart, the timing doesn't matter. I am thinking you left the relationship, emotionally long before he ever moved out. The time he spent on the road was perhaps not good for you. It could be when he decided to become a switch and opening up the marriage, that was not really what you were looking for, again building distance in the relationship.
Try not to beat yourself up over, It is a real tragedy when life is lost, but it was not your fault it happen the day he moved out. It sounded to me when you talk bout it, in your post here, you're just gone emotionally and it is the past. You have moved on, and that's a good thing.

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respectfully,
candisa

Freely we serve, because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.

(in reply to blueyedbbw)

Post #: 8

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 2:29:27 PM

windchymes

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Joined: 4/18/2005
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What, think you're cold for having the strength not to wallow in self-pity, and for moving on with your life? Not a chance.

If it makes you feel any better, towards the end of my marriage, every time he came home late, I would think, "Maybe.......maybe that insurance policy will finally pay off....."

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Post #: 9

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 2:33:47 PM

SingleBDSMguy

Posts: 10
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

Three words, "So it goes"

< Message edited by SingleBDSMguy -- 3/22/2009 2:35:19 PM >

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Post #: 10

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 2:38:13 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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Well if it makes you feel any better I really haven't lost much sleep since the ol' "switcharoo" kicked the bucket either. Quite frankly, I found his passing to be like a breath of fresh air.

I do think it is funny that we have these preconcieved ideas. We think we got it all figured out and then we open Pandora's box and voila! Your perfect Dom turns out to be a sub! You are lucky that he died before he fired your ass and you lost half of your stuff.

Death can be such a groovy thing. You are so lucky.

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Post #: 11

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 2:48:16 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Nope your not cold. After what you had been through, it sounds like you pulled away from each other and went on with your separate lives. Many married people do this, so you are not alone. I know if my ex died, I would not be all upset because the majority of our marriage we were leading separate lives anyway. He was more like a roommate than anything else. After we stopped trying to make the marriage work and started living like roommates, we got along a lot better. lol

So no I do not think your cold, I think your handling it just the way that you need too.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to blueyedbbw)

Post #: 12

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 2:57:00 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

What do you think? Am I cold?

Based on your story, I have no clue. All I can see is that you tried to change your husband into someone he wasn't, which is silly, not to use a stronger term, and doomed to failure, but that does not make you cold. Why are you asking? That isn't clear either.

(in reply to blueyedbbw)

Post #: 13

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 3:18:23 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

there is unfinished buisness there, but not with him, with yourself...there is a tiny bit of guilt because of the death thing....forgive yourself..and move on...you did not kill him...life just sometime plays a strange hand.

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Post #: 14

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/22/2009 4:47:56 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blueyedbbw
...he just happened to die at a bad time. ...

Is there a good time?

Sorry...couldn't help it

luci

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(in reply to blueyedbbw)

Post #: 15

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/23/2009 5:46:46 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

dunno seems pretty cold to me. someone you shared your life with for a number of years dies and your like oh fucking well. I like the way you reassure yourself that your not cold when actually your a ice cube. Sound to me like your in denial.

Keep in mind this is coming from someone who can be cold hearted.

BadOne

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Post #: 16

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/23/2009 6:59:50 AM

DomM&SubK

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Joined: 11/21/2008
Status: offline

Dear I feel that you need to seek help from a Grief Councilor to work threw the grief and I think you are on the fence because you had to of loved the man to marry him but you hated the way he was behaving and Acting. But this is just my two cents and you have to make the choice for your self.

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Post #: 17

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/23/2009 9:26:48 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: blueyedbbw
...he just happened to die at a bad time. ...

Is there a good time? Sorry...couldn't help it

luci

yea right after they bought the winning loto ticket

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 18

RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/23/2009 12:40:55 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Just letting you know, I've been in a similar situation. I did not mourn his passing either. I do not consider it cold...just accepting reality.

(in reply to blueyedbbw)

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RE: Does this sound as cold to you as it does me - 3/23/2009 1:25:43 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

It is what it is. No, not cold. I felt like I was divorced from my ex- quite some time ago; the official paperwork's not yet complete. If I heard he was killed today. Hmmm, I'd shed some tears (More for the person I loved and married, not for what he became and the fact that he'd then have no hope of turning himself around and having a joyous life) but I don't think it'd take me apart overmuch. And, the not wanting to be a grown-up thing; I soooo understand what it's like to deal with that in a partner: it'll take the life outta ya if you allow it. You're moving forward. Walk on. :>
Davan

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Post #: 20

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