A sincere question..

A sincere question.. (Full Version)

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RipenReady -> A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 1:15:34 PM)
Sorry if this isn't in the right section, but I wanted the opinion of everyone on here, not just the submissives/switches on the board. Anyway.. I've been in the lifestyle for about 6 years now so I'm not new to this by any means but lately it's like nothing is going right. It's like a constant struggle inside of me questioning whether this is what I want or am I just hurting myself in the long run. All of the men that I've been with since I've been in this lifestyle have hurt me either physically or emotionally and it's emotionally drained me. I've tried to take time off and clear my mind but I always come back. Lately I've questioned whether it's me or is it them. Am I not good enough..should I even bother trying to find someone and taking the risk of getting hurt again. I guess my question would be has that happened to anyone else? If so..how did you get through it? Do you leave or do you stay?

RedMagic1 -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 1:19:56 PM)
This has nothing to do with the BDSM "lifestyle," and everything to do with why you allow yourself to spend time with loseristic assholes. Have you considered going to a therapist?

BKSir -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 1:24:29 PM)
It happens to most everyone, from every walk of life, with every taste in their fetishes or lack thereof, in every lifestyle. They're called relationships, and they do go sour sometimes, as unpleasant as it is. So, no, it's not just you. They go through stages also, ups and downs. In the beginning, things are usually rosy and beautiful, it's called infatuation, where everything is perfect, and those little quirks are cute and endearing. Then you get to points where those little quirks make you sit there and want to strangle the shit out of the other person. Sometimes they can be worked through and you get back on an upswing, and other times they just can't, or it's not worth it. As far as if this lifestyle is right for you or not, I don't think anyone here can answer that for you. That is the kind of thing that only you can answer for you. Sorry.

subangi -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 1:27:54 PM)
You choose how you want to live. If something isnt working out right with you, then its up to YOU to improve it.

MidMichCowboy -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 1:30:57 PM)
My humble opinion: I think we jump too quick when we find kinks that match. We forget the rest of life that must fit together. Do the people involved 1. Like each other 2. Respect each other 3. Care what happens to the other person (if one or both persons is selfish, I see relationship as doomed) 4. Do your lives mesh? 5. Do you respect what both need out of relationship and what you are willing to give. This takes longer. Some say it take s the romance out of the relationship. I think it will let romance bloom.

RipenReady -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 1:36:05 PM)
Thank you for a real answer and not just telling me to "go see a therapist", Also for not assuming that I'm asking everyone if I should continue with the lifestyle. I'm fully aware that is my decision. I was asking other people who may have had the same issue in their life how they made their decision.

Vanityfull -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 1:54:23 PM)
i can relate when i was younger i used to go for boys who would kick the shit out of me every now and again(in a bad way) what i did is took alot of time by myself and figureed out what i wanted in a relationship, why i kept dating idiots and dealing with alot of self estem issues i had, you can lowwer your standerds to absolute shit if you think you deserve it. therapy or talking to other abuse survivors is actually a good idea to work through some things, i didnt personally (the male abuse doesnt exist retardedness of ppl put me off) but i am in full support of that option if it seems a good idea. being single helps alot tho, i know alot of people who go relationship to relationship for stability and i think its really destructive, if your dating creeps, dont date, take some time for you and figuree out yourself and your real wants and needs, when you have them firmly placed asshole types will avoid you more often than not.

LadyPact -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 1:56:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 This has nothing to do with the BDSM "lifestyle," and everything to do with why you allow yourself to spend time with loseristic assholes. Have you considered going to a therapist? Thank you. I always appreciate those who save Me the keystrokes.

PanthersMom -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 1:56:41 PM)
how to make the decision? well, first of all write out the pros and cons, then write out what you want and what you need. there is a difference, what you need is what you can not live without. give some serious thought to each item on your lists, decide what absolutely has to be a part of your life and what you merely would like. then do what you have to to attain those goals. start small and work towards the ultimate goal. there will be setbacks, there will be alterations along the way, but instead of flailing around blindly you will have a starting point and a direction to follow. if you need to do things to improve yourself, start there; it gives you a focus and as you make your own situation better other things might fall into place. you may find this is only a phase in your life, something to experience and move on. you may find that you learn other things about yourself that change the types of relationships you will seek. whatever happens, best of luck. PM

RedMagic1 -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 2:02:01 PM)
You are welcome. I am, however, not dispensing "real" answers. Fortunately, I embraced my true fakeness long ago. RipeNReady, if you reread my post, you will see that I asked a question. Have you ever considered going to a therapist about this? I didn't tell you to do anything. Please consider answering the question.

LadyPact -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 2:02:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RipenReady Thank you for a real answer and not just telling me to "go see a therapist", The possibility that a therapist might be in order is a "real answer." The truth of the matter is that, in all of your relationships, there is only one common denominator. You. If you continually find yourself associated with less than what you deserve, you have to remember that there is only one person who picked the partners. You. Don't take it as being critical. You asked a sincere question and got a sincere answer. The fact that you don't like it may have something to do with the problem.

StrongSpirit -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 2:36:51 PM)
Here is my "GUIDE ON HOW TO DATE ONLY ASSHOLES." Warning, the following list is EXTREMELY cynical. While most women don't do anything anywhere near half as bad, it is worth reading in its current form. I have found that unless you present it as harshly and as extremist as possible, people don't recognize the mistakes they are making. If I don't show it this harshly, people will think "What I am doing is not that bad." Follow these rules and you are absolutely assured of dating an asshole. If you don't want to do that, stop following them. Make your first criteria shallow. This guarantees that the only men you will even consider will be scum. Specifically, have requirements for height, hair, body shape, and experience in BDSM. Don't give any man a chance if he doesn't fit these criteria, no matter if he might be otherwise perfect. Who cares if you are therefore selecting from a rather limited pool, all of which has been picked over already. (P.S. Height is the best one. After all, what sub woman wants a short man. So all the good tall ones get snapped up quickly, you can beat the odds. And all those poor lonely short men - not your problem.) Wait for the guy to respond to you. Never ever initiate first contact - because that would be unladylike/submissiveness. So what if this means you are looking at messages cunningly crafted at you instead of the truth told to the entire world. Craft a profile that entirely consists of complaints. Don't mention what you are looking for at all. Describe only the things you dislike. Insult the guys yous you dislike - I am sure that none of the good men will think badly of you for it. Use your profile as your therapy, not as your PR. Oh and positively insist on an older man. Who cares about the men your own age. Eventually the men will get older and then they can date younger woman. Of course they willl then realize that "Hey, finally all those young pretty things that rejected me, now they want me. So I guess I'll date a woman half my age." When that happens, you can insult the man for being pigs. I mean, sure you used to date men 5 years older than you, but that is not excuse for the men to date women 20 years younger then them. Who cares about the fact that a 20 year old woman is considered the pinnacle of dateability and those same 35-40 year old men are ALSO considered the pinnacle of dateability. Sure, woman set those criteria up by deciding who they date. The men that are 10's don't have the right to date women that the 10's. You certainly have the right to date anyone that you want.

IvyMorgan -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 2:43:31 PM)
In general, the more resistance you have to an idea the more likely the idea is to be valuable. At least, that's what the psyco-dynamic folk would say. The common denominator is you, so find out what is happening with your behaviour and change that. Whether you ditch the kink or not won't make any difference to the quality of your relationships unless you make that change.

antipode -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 3:01:19 PM)
quote: have hurt me either physically or emotionally Me too: time for a therapist. It is a known behavioural pattern, and there isn't a shortcut in dealing with this through a BDSM forum. Has it not occurred to you you might do well with professional help? Have you asked for advice, other than here? Even if I have had similar problems, knowing that will not do you any good.

crouchingtigress -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 3:09:19 PM)
believe it or not...(however if you decide to believe it this will change your life)...you assertion that "all of them have hurt me", is inaccurate...no one has that power....the only person that can do that is you. doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results ins not only the definition of insanity it is also a really good way for you to ostracise yourself from a this community and blame them, instead of looking at what you are bringing to the table . look i am not sitting in judgement here, but you have gone a little victim, and i dont think it is serving you, and helping you get what you want. i have been in this lifestyle over 20 years, and at some points i went really victim, and chose poor owners and poor slaves...fucked up people that that were not supportive for me, but then i have also found great people too.... bdsm for me has been a Dojo for life...i have learned tons about myself in the reflection of the choices i made over the years... just something to chew on

CatdeMedici -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 3:54:48 PM)
A wise person once said, the only common denominator here is you--think about it, doesn't matter what paper you wrap it up in, bad choices are bad choices--maybe some serious soul searching is in order.

Aylee -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 4:13:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RipenReady Sorry if this isn't in the right section, but I wanted the opinion of everyone on here, not just the submissives/switches on the board. Keep in mind that you get what you pay for. quote: Anyway.. I've been in the lifestyle for about 6 years now so I'm not new to this by any means but lately it's like nothing is going right. Yes, sometimes life is like that. Just one damn thing after another. quote: It's like a constant struggle inside of me questioning whether this is what I want or am I just hurting myself in the long run. None of us can tell you what you want. You will have to figure that out on your own. As far as hurting yourself in the long run, well, ultimately it is up to you to make good decision for your life and learn from the bad ones. quote: All of the men that I've been with since I've been in this lifestyle have hurt me either physically or emotionally and it's emotionally drained me. There is only one constant here. YOU. You HAVE to take responsibility for the choices that you have made. quote: I've tried to take time off and clear my mind You do not need to clear your mind. You need to start thinking about the choices that you are making and their consequences. quote: but I always come back. Kind of like eating an entire bag of Oreos, then writing to Nabisco to tell them how horrible their cookies are, and then going out and buying another bag or Oreos. quote: Lately I've questioned whether it's me or is it them. It is you. You are the one allowing this to continue. You are the one sticking around. You are the one not taking responsibility for your life. quote: Am I not good enough..should I even bother trying to find someone You should first spend some time becoming good enough for yourself. Therapy would be useful as well. quote: and taking the risk of getting hurt again. Taking another breath risks you getting hurt. Life has risks. quote: I guess my question would be has that happened to anyone else? What? Had bad relationships? Oh yes. It happens to everyone. quote: If so..how did you get through it? You move on with your life. Try and learn something from it if you can. Because if you do not learn something from it, that Bitch called Life is only going to use a bigger hammer the next time around. quote: Do you leave or do you stay? Sorry, no "Get out of Jail Free" card here. YOU have to make that choice. YOU have to take responsibility for your life. I realize that is a tragic thing, because then you have no one to blame but yourself, but too bad. "We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers--you can blame anyone, but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's ALWAYS your fault, because if you wanted to change, you're the one who has got to change. It's as simple as that, isn't it?" -- Katharine Hepburn

DesFIP -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 6:05:15 PM)
Assuming you're dating guys your age, that's half the problem. Maybe they're out of school, maybe they're still living at home. But they don't have all their ducks in a row. If they're lucky they are on their first real job in their field, sharing apartments, still driving a car their parents helped pay for. It's hard to be a mature adult without having any experience doing so. And you get good judgment by having bad experiences and learning from them. Beyond that, if you are only attracted to jerks, if people introduce you to nice, hard working guys and you consistently aren't interested, only wanting the bad boys, then the problem may well be you. Because you pick these guys, every time.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 7:58:22 PM)
I think the key, for me, was in recognizing and accepting myself. It took years to get to know me, and to allow myself to embrace, without censure, the aspects of myself that society has frowned on. I spent time exploring, and when things didn't work out, I did not beat myself up over the whys and wherefores, but came to recognize that not every relationship is going to work out perfectly every time. Even more so, if I am being -damaged- by the relationship, then it is cruel to myself to continue, and dishonest to my partner. No matter how many things we may have in common with someone, being in a relationship requires suspension of some of one's own self in the interest of the relationship, and when one is not willing to do that, or when the demands of the relationship exceed what one is capable of -giving- to that relationship, then it becomes time to embrace the self and let go of the fantasy of the "perfect". When we accept ourselves first, the need to cling to a relationship, particularly an unhealthy relationship, diminishes against the wisdom of our own common sense. Hope this helps.

stella41b -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 8:51:29 PM)
I'm going to disagree with a few people here in that you need a therapist. Instead I strongly advocate if you haven't already done so developing for yourself a support network and to focus on building this support network of friends all around you. Yes that's right, make friends and develop them into a support network who you can support and who can support you. You see, when you're developing a support network you're learning about yourself and others and about such things as trust and support among people within the community in the safe haven of friendship. Not quite as risky as starting a relationship, is it? That way you will find your support and people who support you and through developing these friendships and support you'll learn far more about yourself and other people and also learn to make far better relationship choices. Also you won't make yourself quite as vulnerable. How do you develop a support network? You got the fiirst step already worked out, you're here. The next step is finding people you're prepared to get to know and meet and then getting up turning off the computer and going out and meeting them and getting to know them. It's a bit like we older people used to do before there was such a thing as the Internet. Obviously if you got your friends advising you to go see a therapist then you can go and see one. Makes sense?

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