RE: A sincere question.. (Full Version)

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weldedcollar -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/22/2009 9:28:41 PM)

Dear RipenReady,
I feel bad for you,  but my feeling bad won't help you.
You must do some soul searching , which you are begining to do .
     I commend you for that.
Your being hurt physically and emotionally ..... and its not what you want but you keep coming back to this.
This may not at this time be the right choice for your well being to remain doing / acting in D/s lifestyle.
From what you said there are far more negatives than positives for you.
You might be looking for something else,
  and you are settling for the attention , though the attention your getting leaves you in a lessor state .
You need to talk this out with someone ...
Someone like a psychologist / psychiatrist /  someone wise...
You may be looking for .....Love.
What your getting is..atention nd being used....   
there is, probally a part of you, that feels that this is all you deserve.
I'm saying this because ive been there as well.
You can also be experiencing mixed emotions ,  where being humiliated feels so right ,  but when the light of day comes about .. You feel terrible.
It can get so convoluted..
You need to do some heavy soul searching.
please seek some outside help with these problems..
Your young ,  you have plenty of time to get on board a train that will go to a destination that is really where you want to be. [metaphor of course]
This is the only life you will  have.
Love  weldedcollar.



silkncarol -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 2:26:42 AM)

You've already been given some good advice.  

Don't be too hard on yourself... we've all made mistakes, you just need to own them....learn something about yourself from the experience and make a change...if you're not able to do that on your own, then find a competent therapist....You should make the effort to break your pattern.  If that means pulling back from the lifestyle, then by all means do so....you can't be of service to anyone else, if you can't take care of yourself.



GoodgirlFind -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 7:15:44 AM)

First let me say off the bat that I feel terrible you had to have that happen to you. I empathise with you, I was in exactly the same place. I, too, have a story as the survivor of an abusive dom with a nasty attitude toward life. I was smacked in the head, suffered a broken ankle, and broken wrist. I was punched, poked and kicked repeatedly. I went to work with bite marks on my arms and neck. I worked with black eyes, bloody lips, and bruised arms and legs. Many people knew of the abuse I suffered. Most blamed me because of the lifestyle I like; as if I deserved what he did to me. None of those who knew did anything to help me get away; and none did anything to stop the abuse. When I finally did leave; no one would take me in. Thank god I found a great job right away.

You have to be extremely and I can't stress this more, extremely careful when picking out a dom. Violent crime is very much the domain of men as men are responsible for most violent crimes, just ask any ER doc and they'll tell you that women are the majority victims of domestic physical violence and that is just of the ones that report it. So for the future, take your time finding your next dom as there are so many great men who are doms and some are even looking for a committed relationship. I spent a lot of my time in the past looking for a good man and crazy as it sounds my biggest problem was determining good. I know 'good' in bed isn't it. Also just "good" isn't enough. I have learned that if true love really exists it would have to be eternal. If it is eternal then why do we waste soooo much time finding temporary solutions for our needs? I believe that submission and or sex is too early the jist of a relationship....the ideal is to wait. However we never wait, and we completely miss the person we had gotten into.

Okay...I'm rambling now, but like I said it takes some quality time spent learning about a person before you submit. I'm a passionate person about everything I do and think, and sometimes it's really painful to not have anyone to share those things with. Just keep your head up high; if there's one thing the world is, it's cyclical. The pendulum will swing the other way eventually. All you can do now is try to appreciate your position and learn from it. May Fortune find you well, my friend.




CreativeDominant -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 7:37:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RipenReady

Thank you for a real answer and not just telling me to "go see a therapist",

Also for not assuming that I'm asking everyone if I should continue with the lifestyle.  I'm fully aware that is my decision.  I was asking other people who may have had the same issue in their life how they made their decision.
You know, in all actuality there is nothing wrong with going to see a therapist.  I've used one off and on for the last 10 years.  What the Cowboy told you is similar to what a therapist would tell you...the big difference is that the therapist is going to make you look inside yourself and ask the same question Red Magick asked...why do you keep picking "losers"? 



Morniel -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 9:09:17 AM)

Well, it's never happened to me.  That's primarily because I know what I want and need in a partner, so both with my late husband and my current husband, I already knew what I was looking for.  Aside from that, I didn't let "sub frenzy" overcome me because first of all, at seventeen, I didn't even know what that was, nor did I know (or care) that this was a "lifestyle", so I wasn't bound mentally by any of the stuff that goes with it.  By the time I was widowed, and then ready to date again, at thirty-nine, I still didn't fall into "sub frenzy" because again, I already knew what I needed.

I knew I needed someone who wanted to get to know ME, not my pussy.  I knew I needed someone who wanted to be friends with ME, not my boobs.  And so on.

In other words, I don't think with my clit.  I think with my brain.   Best advice there is, and it was given to me by my 80-something year old great grandmother.



RumpusParable -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 9:22:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RipenReady

Sorry if this isn't in the right section, but I wanted the opinion of everyone on here, not just the submissives/switches on the board.

Anyway..

I've been in the lifestyle for about 6 years now so I'm not new to this by any means but lately it's like nothing is going right.  It's like a constant struggle inside of me questioning whether this is what I want or am I just hurting myself in the long run.  All of the men that I've been with since I've been in this lifestyle have hurt me either physically or emotionally and it's emotionally drained me.  I've tried to take time off and clear my mind but I always come back.  Lately I've questioned whether it's me or is it them.  Am I not good enough..should I even bother trying to find someone and taking the risk of getting hurt again. 

I guess my question would be has that happened to anyone else?  If so..how did you get through it?  Do you leave or do you stay? 


If everyone has treated you badly so far, as the old cliche goes, *you* are the one common variable.  So it's you.  Not to say there's something wrong with you, but that you're likely making repeated bad choices for yourself.

Ask yourself, in the "vanilla world" did all the males you partnered with hurt you in some way?  If not, what are you doing different IN your search for males within the BDSM/PE world -not the world itself, but how you pick the partners in it.  If so, then it's an ongoing series of choices in males that has even less to do with the "lifestyle".

So think on it, why are you missing or ignoring warning signs from partners?  What is it that you keep being drawn to in a partner that is a running theme to hurt?



angelikaJ -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 10:47:31 AM)

FR

I am not blaming you in saying this but it sounds like your Dom picker is off track.

Why do you think that is?

If you seem to pick the same sort of people, people who harm and wound you... then it seems to me investigating that would be a high priority.
If you were able to sort it out on your own, my guess is you would have already.
If you could change it on your own you would have already done so.

So, this is where a therapist might come in handy.

Needing a therapist does not mean you are sick or crazy.
It is not an indictment of your character.
It does not mean you are a weak person.

All it means is you need some help, the way you might take your car in for a tune up if it was running rough.






pdv99 -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 3:58:53 PM)

MidMichCowboy, that's a brilliant answer.



stella41b -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 5:07:03 PM)

I'm just curious about all those people advocating therapists on this thread for someone who is just making what it would appear to be consistent bad relationship choices - just how many of you are writing from your own experience and are or have taken your own advice?



Aylee -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 5:18:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I'm just curious about all those people advocating therapists on this thread for someone who is just making what it would appear to be consistent bad relationship choices - just how many of you are writing from your own experience and are or have taken your own advice?


I did.  Both in experiencing bad relationships (something we all do) and as someone that has used therapy in order to gain additional tools for dealing with issues in my life.

And yes, I have taken my own advice.  I do take responsibility for my life and my choices.  Yes, I do consider myself, not only "good enough" but even better than that.  Yes, I like myself. 

Stella, it is not just the consistant bad relationship choices that the OP is making.  It is also the fact that she does not seem to be able to move on from them.  She is having trouble making choices.  She is also questioning her self-worth.  All of these things are things that a therapist can help her to work through and give her tools to use in the future. 



ThomasMore -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 5:20:26 PM)

Think of the BDSM dynamic like this: for every guy that actually knows karate, there's about a thousand guys who've just watched a lot of movies with karate in them.



YourhandMyAss -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 5:21:34 PM)

I don't know if you're joking or not, but it is absolutely ok to have requirements about what you want and expect from the person you're choosing to do bdsm with and not settle for those who don't meet your expectations. To say other wise just sounds like a bitter person spewing their bile to whom ever will listen because they can't handle rejection because they didn't meet someones expectations.

If someone wants a tall  person who's got 20 years of experience, then that's what they want, and it doesn't mean they'll only find assholes to date. Now it does mean they might wait longer to find someone or be passed up by a lot of people who deem him or her picky, but it's a risk I am sure they're aware they are taking.
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

Here is my "GUIDE ON HOW TO DATE ONLY ASSHOLES."

Warning, the following list is EXTREMELY cynical.   While most women don't do anything anywhere near half as bad, it is worth reading in its current form.  I have found that unless you present it as harshly and as extremist as possible, people don't recognize the mistakes they are making.    If I don't show it this harshly, people will think "What I am doing is not that bad."

Follow these rules and you are absolutely assured of dating an asshole.   If you don't want to do that, stop following them.
  1. Make your first criteria shallow.   This guarantees that the only men you will even consider will be scum.   Specifically, have requirements for height, hair, body shape, and experience in BDSM.   Don't give any man a chance if he doesn't fit these criteria, no matter if he might be otherwise perfect.  Who cares if you are therefore selecting from a rather limited pool, all of which has been picked over already.  (P.S.  Height is the best one.  After all, what sub woman wants a short man.   So all the good tall ones get snapped up quickly, you can beat the odds.  And all those poor lonely short men - not your problem.)




YourhandMyAss -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 5:29:17 PM)

Because, there's probably problems with the person picking bad partners, that therapy might help like lack of self esteem lack of personal awareness, lack of being able to tell repeating patterns.

If you're like every one I see is a dick and kicks me in the teeth emotionally, and I don't want this, but this is what I end up w/ith, then you need to work on yourself and realize your patterns and that yeah it is your fault you keep getting hurt time after time, because you pick the kind of guys who're just gonna trample the spirit out of you 9 out of 10 times.

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I'm just curious about all those people advocating therapists on this thread for someone who is just making what it would appear to be consistent bad relationship choices - just how many of you are writing from your own experience and are or have taken your own advice?



kiwisub12 -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 5:35:50 PM)

To the OP - i dated men were  .....   less than desirable. I also married one of them -   verbally abusive, nasty individual.
After i divorced him, i spent 7 years hiding from men - until i was tired of being afraid of something that everyone else took for granted, and saw a therapist.  Three years later, i better understood how i made decisions, and why.    I met my Sir and we have been happy ever since.

so.....  if you are consistantly making bad choices, find out why- and change it.  Probably a therapist would be the easiest way for you to do this. You would have someone to support you and guide you through the process. so   .... choose a direction and start your journey.



angelikaJ -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 5:47:28 PM)

If I am stuck on something and can't seem to find my way out of it, either on my own or with the help of my support system then, yes, I have had outside help getting back on track.

That has applied to being in abusive relationships and the aftermath of same.

I have learned perspective and tools.





JovialSadist -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/23/2009 9:52:08 PM)

Self-esteem is a word that comes to mind… We all struggle with it at different points in our lives. We question our motives, our appearance, and our judgment… Sometimes it’s important to simply sit back and ask ourselves if we like who we are? If not, then what do we need to do to get to that point? No matter how high we are on the food chain, or how low, liking who you are is the key to being happy with others.



CNJDom -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/24/2009 3:56:23 AM)

quote:

I've been in the lifestyle for about 6 years now so I'm not new to this by any means but lately it's like nothing is going right. It's like a constant struggle inside of me questioning whether this is what I want or am I just hurting myself in the long run. All of the men that I've been with since I've been in this lifestyle have hurt me either physically or emotionally and it's emotionally drained me. I've tried to take time off and clear my mind but I always come back. Lately I've questioned whether it's me or is it them. Am I not good enough..should I even bother trying to find someone and taking the risk of getting hurt again.

I guess my question would be has that happened to anyone else? If so..how did you get through it? Do you leave or do you stay?
quote:

ORIGINAL: RipenReady

It is up to you to assess what BDSM is or could be for you.  Why some get into it, is a question whose answers vary far too greatly to give an accurate answer here.  But if you are not feeling satisfied, then it's time to sit back and take a look.  As for a therapist, if you decide to see one...it may be best to find one that is kink-friendly (and there are resources for that).  In BDSM, sometimes it's good to look at what you want and how you are going about getting that.  When engaging with another in this lifestyle, think about how and what this relationship is based on.  What brought you together, and what is it that you want from all this?  Is it what they want?  It isn't all about whap whap whap, but sometimes that is all it is for some.  Others want a relationship more than anything, and that needs to be considered as well.  Take a moment and step back, and look at your goals and the steps taken as well as the steps needed. 

People sometimes feel that this feeling you are having is nearly exclusive to submissives, but it also happens to Dominants as well.  Over the years, I've questioned myself, and often wondered why I did what I did.  I had some doubts at times, and even walked away from it all at one point for a while, feeling that my life was perhaps going in the wrong direction.  What was driving me to it?  What was driving me away?  And what drove me back to it?  A lot of factors brought me to where I am today...and they are still influencing me.  Can I see myself totally away from this?  No.  Can I live without BDSM in my life?  I can't.  You are who you are, and through the ups and downs, you'll find a balance.  Sometimes, it seems like it's not worth it, but then there is that one thing that brings you back to where it seems right. 



akisha -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/24/2009 10:33:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I'm just curious about all those people advocating therapists on this thread for someone who is just making what it would appear to be consistent bad relationship choices - just how many of you are writing from your own experience and are or have taken your own advice?


I have!!

I kept choosing domineering, abusive men instead of Dominant men so when I was in college and therapy was free, I decided to put myself in care to find out why I kept making the same bad choices and how to recognize the signs and stop the pattern.



GoddessTeaze -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/24/2009 12:38:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RipenReady

Sorry if this isn't in the right section, but I wanted the opinion of everyone on here, not just the submissives/switches on the board.

Anyway..

I've been in the lifestyle for about 6 years now so I'm not new to this by any means but lately it's like nothing is going right.  It's like a constant struggle inside of me questioning whether this is what I want or am I just hurting myself in the long run.  All of the men that I've been with since I've been in this lifestyle have hurt me either physically or emotionally and it's emotionally drained me.  I've tried to take time off and clear my mind but I always come back.  Lately I've questioned whether it's me or is it them.  Am I not good enough..should I even bother trying to find someone and taking the risk of getting hurt again. 

I guess my question would be has that happened to anyone else?  If so..how did you get through it?  Do you leave or do you stay? 


Hello RipenReady,

First of all, never say sorry for asking a question.
That's why this forum is here, We all live and learn that way ![:D]

Reading your question, I do wonder how low your self esteem is.

When you don't think highly of yourself, you'll atract the men
who will think as lowly of you, as you do feel, and let men
treat you badly because you feel you don't deserve better.

When your self esteem is in balance, men won't treat you
that way anymore, because they know they wouldn't
get any chance with you.

I say this out of My own experience, I've been there too,
and I do feel way happier since I'm in balance,
and happy with Myself, and if they don't like Me?
Then that's not about Me, but about them.
Their loss !

That's a way different view, then you feel rejected,
and neglected because they've been treating you like crap.

No one deserves to b treated like crap.
I see this happening allot in D/s unfortunatly.
But it also happends in vanilla life way too much.

Always remember this quote:

~ Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt~

I do wish you enough ripenready.

Very Warm Greetings

GoddezzT`



Rrryker -> RE: A sincere question.. (3/25/2009 2:15:06 AM)

I am posting only to say I like Redmagic1's word "loseristic"...



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