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seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/25/2009 10:22:31 PM   
ballaratcouple


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/25/2009
Status: offline 		My girl and i used to play dom sub

Then we moved in together

THe dom sub play has eased - partially i believ vbecause the close prximity stuff makes her fear she will lose her role and be totally submissive as a partner too

She is  a strong woman, a leader in her field
and i think thats why sub appeals to her
so she can let go
but she still gets nervy with letting go and trusting
even tho all her actions thoughts and words are sub when we are in bed

she even has fantasies of watching me with other woman and sharing them - she is bi

any thoughts to help me understand her and more so
help me to get her to her sub space whithout the stress or fears?
thanks
b.c
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/25/2009 10:28:00 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		This may sound Trite but it is not this is seriously my advice and if done correctly will solve all your problems.

TALK TO HER!!!

Present to her exactly what you presented here and ask her what would help to make her feel more secure and still maintain being who she is. Don't look outside the relationship all the answers ALL OF THEM are right there between yoiu just waiting to be discussed.

Steel

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(in reply to ballaratcouple)
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RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/26/2009 4:12:53 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Lotsa submissives hold down managerial type positions in their daily lives....
 
But for that same submissive to be relaxed and comfortable within their subordinate relationship "role", it really helps if the Dominant partner does what's supposed to come naturally to them - to lead and take charge etc!
 
So I think what's required is a little less emphasis on her "letting go" and a lot more of you taking the reins and showing her who's boss at home - then see if the "stress or fears" and sub-space problems are still around....
 
Seems she's past "playing" sub, assuming she ever was just playing....  No sub, but especially not one who's a "leader in her field", is just gonna slip happily into sub mode without the assured knowledge her partner really is calling the shots beyond "play dom"....  Subs will happily follow only when someone else is leading with assurance and confidence - and there's your cue....
 
Focus.

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(in reply to ballaratcouple)
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RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/26/2009 5:10:38 AM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		I suggest the pair of you purchase at least one of the BDSM 101 books. These are specifically written for beginners who have played at BDSM but want to do a bit more of it. Talk to her, share your fears and feelings, and gauge hers. Despite being submissive, I'm not kowtowing to every man with a piece of leather in his hand...no matter how intense the relationship with my dominant, I still know who I am, and behave appropriately.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
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(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/26/2009 5:10:58 AM   
sfdrew


Posts: 124
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe the best thing to do is to stop trying to lead her. I know when I first moved in with Mistress I wasn't feeling all that submissive because of the new surroundings. I was having a hard enough time feeling comfortable. After a while though I started to get my subby feelings back again. It may just be a matter of waiting for her to come back around after adjusting to new living conditions.


oh yeah, and don't forget that talking to her thing... lol ;)

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/26/2009 5:28:26 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You don't have to suddenly go 24/7. If you used to do this only on Saturday nights, there is no reason you still can't.
Beyond that, it comes down to her trusting you. If you're pushing to take over control in nonsexual things, then first you need to prove to her that your word is gold and so is your decision making. Because the more you fuck up, the less safe it is for her to let you control anything.

So, do you call if you're running late or do you just go out for drinks with the guys without calling?
If the car breaks down and you bitch about having to come get her, then don't expect her to think you're someone safe to call in an emergency. And that includes an accident while she's bound or you're hitting on her with an implement. If she doesn't have reason to think you are totally trustworthy, then she shouldn't submit as she's the one who will be injured if you don't know what you're doing.

See, when you weren't living together it wasn't such a big deal. You could be a slob all week and Friday night before she came over throw out the trash and stuff the dirty clothes in the closet. If now she's more like your mother, cleaning up after you, then expect that to change the way she thinks about you for the worse.

Lead by example.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/26/2009 7:42:59 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Being one who generally prefers to be submissive in my partnered relationships with males, I am also someone who holds much responsibility in my life and who is often dubbed dominant.  I'm a well rounded girl, what can I say.  :> 
Anyway, when one has to hold so much control and be so controlled in other facets of their life, it's sometimes not simple to flip a switch and fall into submissive headspace right away.  Some deliberate transitional time may be something she needs.  Or, if she has some sort of trigger that cues her to immediately go into a more submissive headspace, that'd be something I'd focus on (Example: A fistful of my hair grabbed close to the scalp, middle back of my head will instantly shift my mindset and stop me in my tracks...a friend playfully did that a few weeks ago and I literally lost my train of thought!). 
Oh, and as Steel said: you guys need to talk.  :> 
  Davan

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(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/27/2009 8:57:52 PM   
chicagoswitch


Posts: 68
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

No sub, but especially not one who's a "leader in her field", is just gonna slip happily into sub mode without the assured knowledge her partner really is calling the shots beyond "play dom"....  Subs will happily follow only when someone else is leading with assurance and confidence - and there's your cue....
 
Focus.


Very well said, Focus.  I lead a large  team of professionals and am well respected in my field.  In all respects (except one very important one) I am dominant.  I will only submit to a very strong, confident, intelligent man who I trust is stronger than I am.  Unfortunately, they are few and far between....but I hear there are 1 or 2 in Australia!

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/29/2009 4:20:59 PM   
ballaratcouple


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/25/2009
Status: offline 		hi
actually i have done this and am not seeking answers outside the relationship
we are tight i simply want her to relax
and we do talk but as i shave said or implied the answers arent forthcoming henec me being here
i talk
she like a lot of women dosent really answer

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/29/2009 4:27:08 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
 No sub, but especially not one who's a "leader in her field", is just gonna slip happily into sub mode without the assured knowledge her partner really is calling the shots beyond "play dom"....  Subs will happily follow only when someone else is leading with assurance and confidence - and there's your cue....
 


This is close, but just a little off the target for me.

I'm an alpha personality and I tend to take charge. For me to submit and hand over the reins I have feel secure about the decisions he makes. Otherwise I'm questioning the the decisions and I want to take over.

If someone is standing in front of me "showing me who is boss" it's likely to end up with me walking away. However, someone who is calm, confident and logical will make me comfortable where I nominate him to be the boss.

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RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/29/2009 4:27:59 PM   
ballaratcouple


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/25/2009
Status: offline 		interesting
see i am not a slob
i tidy and do
i call and am considerate
i do communicate
etc
she simply dosent seem to want to let go and enjoy
she also gets antsy
we have some nights where we can get into talking about say a scenario and start planning what she wants
then she lets its go
if i push her to complete a task she seems to think then its going too long yet if i dont push we dont get there - eg a schoolgirl scenario we wrote is half done and in mid task she gets excited and horny
then when we say to complete it the netx day
she puts things off
loeses the excitment
see the trick is
living with your sub
if you continue to oush
they think its now 24/7 and some women who like to be sub - sometimes - dont want it to be all of the time
they also want romance and an ordinary relatronship
so the trick is how do you negotiate her to play times and into her sub role
when she sort of avoids it
and yet when you do get her there
she loves it and cant get enough?

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/29/2009 10:03:10 PM   
MsDDom


Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline
quote:

TALK TO HER!!!


right-right...

ballar it seems u have began the process of knowing her as u r tell us via ur post who she is and what she is about. stay on that path...u will make progress (sooner if not later).


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... live Life honestly ...

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/30/2009 5:03:33 AM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		Here's an idea...don't make her plan things out! Although I can occasionally plan out fantasies or scenarios, a lot of the time, I want my boyfriend to just TAKE CONTROL. That's kind of what things are about for me. Since you're newish, perhaps you're worried that you'll cross a line with her. So, instead, sit her down, talk very seriously about her limits, and then you make up your own scenarios.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable planning out every single detail of a scene. I want to to be a surprise, and if I plan it down to the minutiae, to me that reeks of being in charge and I'm not a big fan of that. You say she's not a big talker, so why make her talk it out before you play?

If you still want to pursue the talking route, you show some self-restraint and don't give her what she wants until you've gotten what you want, that's what being the dom is about. Tie her to the bed if you have to.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to MsDDom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/30/2009 5:51:07 PM   
ballaratcouple


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/25/2009
Status: offline 		love the ideas so far guys
thanks
its not easy being a dom in an age with feminism nagging at a womans - and mans - head - wanting to be fair and a good artner and yet wanting to make her feel good in the worst possible ways.....
and nice of course
so thanks

(in reply to ExKat)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/30/2009 6:39:25 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I would stop pushing for a third when your relationship is this rocky, for starters.
For play things, get a BDSM checklist and slowly fill it out, both of you. Then start experimenting with the things you both go WOW over.
You enjoy making her write long fantasies, but it's a turn off for her. Find something else that she also enjoys. Because the more you harp on things she doesn't like, the less interested she will be. Plus for a lot of us, the worry is that if we tell our partner what our fantasy is, he'll insist on doing it. And that's a bad thing. We call them fantasies not plans for a reason, we don't want to do them, just to think about it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ballaratcouple)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/30/2009 6:49:49 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe your problem is different expectations. From what you are saying, you are a dominant.  And you have intimated that she is a bottom. She maynot want to be a sub or a slave. Have you actually talked about your expectations?

Before she moved in , did you talk about and agree to be 24/7 in a master/submissive relationship, or did you just assume that that was what was going to happen? She may have a completely different take on the situation.

She may just like a bit of slap and tickle and domination in the sack and want a vanilla relationship out.     .....or maybe i got it completely wrong.


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/30/2009 9:21:55 PM   
marysdream


Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
Status: offline 		i absolutely agree with Focus
ree!

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/31/2009 3:55:15 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ts not easy being a dom in an age with feminism nagging at a womans - and mans - head


Feminism has nothing to do with the problems you are experiencing. Feminism is about women having choices in our lives, as we should. Your problem (from what I gather from your posts) is that your doing what she wants rather than what YOU want.

If your going to be the Dom then pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take control. If you do not the chances are she is going to feel that you cannot lead and she just may wander away from you to someone else who can.

As its been suggested in other posts you may need to read some well written books on BDSM and topping. They can be extremely helpful.

Good luck,

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to ballaratcouple)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/31/2009 4:19:26 PM   
ballaratcouple


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/25/2009
Status: offline 		hi
where can i get a bdsm checklist
the idea sounds fun and i take onboard your comments

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub - 3/31/2009 4:35:10 PM   
ballaratcouple


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/25/2009
Status: offline 		i have been heartened by the rsponses so far
being a dom is not an easy thing - not asking for bleeding hearts here - simple fact and especially if the woman you live with is wanting to be sub to you and you both love each other
and she is a high executive with stresses and strains - like yourself - the letting go and being.then coming back to "real life" can make the process hard.

again there is also the fear she holds that if she lets go and enjoys being sub
that she wont get back what she had
respect etc.

i know this is trust but no matter how much you say these things its hard to convince someone their hearts desires can be achieved and no loss to the rest

i am very tempted to take Lashra's advice and simply take charge and such but again this may also cause her to withdraw - as she is used to calling her shots at work during the day and i fear this would simply cause her to withdraw and be uncooperative - its so easy with dom subs who dont live togehter and have to live with the fall out of things that can go wrong......stoppping starting and walking away is much easier...
so
any advice again is being taken on board and considered....
i have read that a good dom dosent assume but is always growing and learning
and that is what i am doing
with your help........we both thank you

(in reply to ballaratcouple)
Profile   Post #: 20
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