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RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 6:46:55 AM

MoGa

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Without getting into the therapy pissing contest. Try a neurosurgeon they know a hellva lot more about how the brain works than anyone else. Therapy aint all it's cracked up to be.

BadOne

I agree with the BadOne..prior to my brain aneurysm, I was having huge outbursts of anger. No..not anger.. OUTRAGE..screaming at the smallest things..I was confused and didn't understand what was wrong with me as I am not normally high strung like that. Thankfully, I got the worst headache of my life and aspirins did no good, so I went to the hospital where they did all the test to reveal I had a brain aneurysm. I have not had those outrages since I had the brain surgery and that was two years ago.

OP, go and see a nurologist..and also if you smoke.., have your oxygen levels checked. Lack of oxygen also causes severe mood swings.

MoGa

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RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 7:15:28 AM

InTonguesslave

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speaking for myself here for a minute - i find Ms really tricky at times, i think lots of people do. most of us have some issue or another, so please dont think youre alone on that one.

living with aspergers and bipolar gives you extra stuff to deal with, but recognising that and learning to step back from youreself before you burst might go some way in avoiding the blow ups youre experiencing. the fact that you realise that all of youre relationships go this way and realising that you dont want it to continue puts you in the position of taking some positive action for youreself.

ill admit right here that i know very little about aspergers or bipolar but what i get from you is that you know very well what happens, why it happens and probably how it happens.

is it possible for you to just take a deep breath and step back until the reaction subsides? - im asking genuinely, or is it something that totally takes over and you have to ride the storm until it breaks.

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Post #: 22

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 7:16:16 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VanessaChaland

I agree. Not everyone should agree with me. That would be foolish.

Show me one example or case where someone (the patient, not the therapists bank account) was helped by someone else charging them $200 an hour for "talk therapy" and I will kindly shut the hell up.

No really, show me. I really want to know. Whats that? You have no evidence? What a surprise, I am shocked!!!!! :)

P.S. Are you by chance a therapist, lol? :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

I agree with everything (including the med suggestions) except therapy. Therapy is a scam, a crock, a rip off, snake oil, a waste of money, a waste of time and energy. One might as well take their hard earned cash and flush it down the toilet. "Therapy" is the biggest crock of B.S. since Bush's WMD/Iraq, or Moses parting of the Red Sea. :)

thank heavens not everyone agrees with you

I can think of three people in my family that benefited from therapy. My daughter the most, another woman in the family, and the guy I share the farm with. In fact one of us probably would have killed the other, if not for his therapy. Thank god! Because I don't think I would do well in prison.....

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Post #: 23

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 7:44:38 AM

samboct

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To the OP

Part of the problem is where you live- there aren't a lot of hot shot therapists in Kansas. And to Vanessa's point- there are a lot of unqualified people in the field, so finding a decent therapist is not easy. However, talk therapy has been shown to alter brain chemistry over time (experiments with fMRI)- in a different manner than anti depressants.

Let me describe for you the therapist that you are looking for-

1) psychiatrist- it sounds like meds may be needed to control some of your symptoms.
2) Analyst- Analysts are the most highly trained therapists out there. Do a google search under american psychoanalytic association and the website will help you find an analyst in your area. There won't be many.
3) You are probably looking for an analyst who trained as a psychiatrist prior to becoming an analyst. These people are not young- generally in their 40s by the time they're done training.

Things to avoid-

1) Any of the common misconceptions as to what a therapist looks or acts like. In film, two of the best examples of successful therapy are Now, Voyager, and Klute. Lorraine Bracho's (sp?) shrink in The Soprano's was probably not too far off. You do NOT want someone like Marina Sirtis off Star Trek. Too much empathy is not useful- psychiatry can be akin to surgery- it's a painful process and the practitioner must not let his/her empathy get in the way. You don't need a shoulder to cry on- you need to repair some damage. A good shrink does not talk much- silence is a therapeutic tool.
2) Psychiatrists who do not do talk therapy. Most younger psychiatrists have very little experience in talk therapy and are really just doing psychopharmacology. As you've noted, it doesn't sound like you're very responsive long term- hence you want someone who has a different slant.

Other suggestions-

1) If you can't find a decent analyst- look for a psychologist who's trained in talk therapy. Ask your GP, priest etc. for the names of people in your area with demonstrated success. You may wind up seeing both a psychiatrist for meds and a psychologist for talk therapy- make sure they talk to each other.

2) Never underestimate the healing power of a good love affair. It sounds like you're in one.

Good luck and don't give up...

Sam

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Post #: 24

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 8:25:14 AM

thatonebitch

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I didn't even think about an analyst, honestly. Thank you for mentioning that, I'll definitely look into it.

And yes, I have a good man. He may not understand the whys, but he accepts me regardless. And that sometimes makes it harder because I feel so guilty for hurting him. I know I have, even though he forgives me. I'm afraid one day it'll be too much and he won't.

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Post #: 25

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 8:33:48 AM

InTonguesslut

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~FR~

Your other thread 'confront or not confront' talks about you finding out your Dom has an active profile on other sites and here you are admitting you have issues too.
Maybe it's worth wondering how healthy either of you are for each other.

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Post #: 26

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 8:43:59 AM

thatonebitch

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Yes, and in that other thread I also said I talked to him about it. And I also said in this thread that my reaction was disproportionate to the issue. Trust me when I say this, it's my issues that are the problem here.

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Post #: 27

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 8:48:27 AM

DavanKael

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It doesn'thave to be an either/or proposition. Based on your other thread, I'll add my voice to those suggesting that both of you have issues that are playing off of each other in a negative fashion.
Everyone has issues or baggage, it's what we choose to do with it.
Best wishes,
Davan

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Post #: 28

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 9:53:31 AM

samboct

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To the OP

You're welcome. Happy to help.

Sam

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Post #: 29

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 10:40:12 AM

kdsub

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It sounds to me like you have two problems...Your relationship, and the illness itself that prohibits you from properly addressing the problems of the relationship.

I’d advise separating them. Ask yourself, if you were without your illness would you still be having a problem in your relationship? If the answer is yes then find a time without stress and plan an action you can follow.

Others have given you good advice on how to treat your illness…All I can add is my daughter has many of the same problems as you and even had shock treatment. It took four different doctors and more than a few years but finally she found a treatment that at least allows her some joy in her life. Don’t give up on treatment… if you do it is like giving up on life. There is always hope.

Butch

(in reply to thatonebitch)

Post #: 30

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 10:41:45 AM

Jeptha

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From: Portland, Oregon
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Musetta
...It also took a good doctor. He was the fifth one I've seen. He is an excellent fit for me. So, if I could offer a bit of advice, first thing is find a doctor you feel comfortable with.

Second, therapy worked for me. Specifically cognitive behavioral therapy. ... It requires mindfulness of all the thoughts we are thinking and the ability to look at them critically. ... So if I could offer a second bit of advice it would be to try to find a therapist specializing in bipolar or cognitive behavioral therapy that you feel comfortable with.

I've personally found it helpful to kind of "come out" for a lack of better word to people I care about. I will sometimes even ask for a reality check. I even gave my boss (but he's a very good friend, almost like a brother) a list of ten thought distortions that my therapist gave me and he will call me on them if he hears me saying one. You know, you forgot to send an attachment with an email and instead of it being just that you're distracted or HUMAN you're talking about how stupid you are and incompetent? He'll say something like "Do I have to get out the list?" It gives me instant perspective. But you have to make that choice based upon the people you're involved with and what will work best for you.

I like Musetta's post because it covers 3 things; doctorin' (pharmacology), along with talk therapy.
I appreciate Vanessa's skepticism about therapy, but I think it's been fairly well documented that a combination of pharmacy/therapy has often been shown to be the most effective.
I can't respond to her request to document ... well, I could, but I'll leave that to someone who's really interested, i.e., someone who's contemplating actually pursuing such a course.

The third thing is reality checking and communicating with others.
The OP has shown a pretty high degree of insight just in that original post; taking responsibility, wanting to add more coping skills (rather than just "reacting" in ways that aren't usefull), realizing the effects of her behavior on others.

I think everybody has to work on those things to some degree. Recongnizing that is the first step - recognizing it in real time, as it's happening, is probably the trickiest part!

I'm not completely familiar with the C.B.T. thing (no, not that cbt...), but from as much as I've heard it does sound pretty sensible in dealing with those kinds of "cognitive distortions" that are not uncommon.

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Post #: 31

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 10:49:17 AM

DiurnalVampire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VanessaChaland

Show me one example or case where someone (the patient, not the therapists bank account) was helped by someone else charging them $200 an hour for "talk therapy" and I will kindly shut the hell up.

Hi, Id be your proof.
I was seeing a therapist for several years learning to cope with beign bipolar, but not sing medications becasue I was not happy with the way my body reacted to them. I was taught bythis therapist how to recognize the signs of oncoming swings and how to deal with them beore they became problems. I was shown that not everything going on was my fault, and that there were triggers for the swings I had never even considered. I was tausght what was and wasnt part of my disorder and most importantly I was given the confidence not to need the therapy any more.
Recently, my therapist told me he believed I was finished needing th etherapy. He had taught me what I needed and I was functioning better than most medicated patients he had.

So, it DOES help.

The trick is finding someone who wants to teach you to deal and not who is sure that the only way for you to cope is medicated. The brain is an organ, and like any other there are signs of its problems. There are ways to deal with them that do not consist of taking some sort of medication to mask the symptoms or change the reactions. You also have to take responsibility for your reactions to things and become more deliberate in what you allow to happen.
I used to get horribly upset by things that my partners had done in the past, for no aparent reason. It didnt impact me, in any way shape or form, and never would. I had to learn that the past was the past and not indulge myself in the negative thinking. It did no good, and so I trained myself out of it. It wa sa long process and my therapist helped me do it, but it worked.

Find someone you can talk to. It will not be the first one you meet, for sure. But someone who does not rely so heavily on medications can make your life far easier.

Best of luck
DV

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Post #: 32

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 11:01:28 AM

apple2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VanessaChaland

I agree. Not everyone should agree with me. That would be foolish.

Show me one example or case where someone (the patient, not the therapists bank account) was helped by someone else charging them $200 an hour for "talk therapy" and I will kindly shut the hell up.

No really, show me. I really want to know. Whats that? You have no evidence? What a surprise, I am shocked!!!!! :)

P.S. Are you by chance a therapist, lol? :)

Here's your example- me.

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I was involved in a large community, in a large metropolitan area, in which I was a Dungeon Master at a club, and ran an organization, website, and a number of other community oriented things.

Well, the city I was living in went through a period where the clubs were being raided, internal politics was viciously mean, and in a metaphorical sense- there was "blood everywhere".

In that context I sought out an MSW who I knew in the scene and did weeks of therapy. Here's why:

1. As much as you love your friends, emotional blackness or clinical depression is not something that they can help you with. Also, it's unfair to put them in a situation where for weeks/years/decades all you are doing is venting negative feelings.

2. A therapy professional (MSW, Psychologist, psychiatrist) has legal responsibilities regarding what you talk about. I certainly needed the confidentiality in order to speak honestly and without fear of alienating anyone.

3. My partner was getting sick of hearing about my feelings on the subject. I don't blame her at all. Even a slave has no obligation to listen to a weeping/simpering dominant as the major part of her homelife.

4. I needed to clarify, for myself, what I was going to do with myself after making life changes which I was unsure about.

5. A therapy professional is trained to remain objective and to refrain from value judgments.

These were certainly not things I could approach with friends or a life partner. Maybe a priest or clergy- and I did approach a couple of those people who I knew in the scene- but they wanted to keep their ministry separate from their scene life.

So I chose an MSW, paid $80.00 an hour, talked about the stuff I needed to talk about- and got the fuck on with my life. It was probably the best $800.00 I ever spent.

So what was the outcome?

The experience clarified some things that were important to me, and allowed me enough emotional breathing room to get on with making the changes I needed to make. And I made the changes. Some of those decisions pissed off some of the people in my life. But they were changes I needed in order to thrive as a person.

So therapy does have a lot of value from my standpoint. It certainly helped me get out of a vicious combination of PTSD and depression. I'd recomend it as an option to anyone who has issues in front of them that seem too large to deal with and become debilitating.

Your milage may vary, not valid in all states (of being)

M

(in reply to VanessaChaland)

Post #: 33

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 11:22:53 AM

SailingBum

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now that we have that cleared up. OP keep plugging away until you find something that works who knows yoga might be the answer.

BadOne

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RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 11:27:06 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thatonebitch

I'm just going to come right out with it instead of asking a veiled question.

I am ruining my relationship.

I have Asperger's syndrome (by itself can cause major problems in a relationship), bipolar disorder (also a nightmare by itself in a relationship) and various other psychological problems, phobias, and insecurities that aren't packaged neatly into a disorder. I find myself getting very angry with things that don't really warrant such a response (case in point: being livid over an old personal ad), and picking fights and acting like a world class cunt. I find myself dying of boredom with the relationship and contemplating leaving until I actually decide I'm done, then I cry and feel guilty and promise that I'll be good. And I am the good little submissive for awhile, but then the cycle repeats itself all over again.

I am not on any medication for the bipolar disorder (can't find anything that works for more than a few days until my body gets used to it and I'm tired of poisoning myself) nor am I in therapy (can't find somebody I trust enough to be painfully honest about myself with or the therapy itself is not effective). I honestly do love him, but I'm afraid my bullshit is too much to overcome to have a healthy relationship. I'm not looking for people to villify me and tell me that he deserves better than me, I know that already. What I would like are some helpful suggestions or advice.

My heart goes out to you, it really does and so here is sending you a big hug.

My ex of four years had both Aspergers and Bipolar and his behavior was very similar to what you describe. He wasn't diagnosed before 10 months into our relationship and that first 10 months of not understanding what was wrong was frankly hell.
Once I knew I made it my responsibility to learn about these conditions. What amazed me was how little help there is (in the UK) for adults with these conditions.
He never went on medication but what he did do was learn to deal with it and that came with a lot of help from me.
Its important, crucial in fact that your partner knows and more importantly understands about your conditions because if he's dedicated enough he can help you deal with it. He needs to educate himself as to why you behave in certain ways and what triggers that behavior and he needs to learn how to work with you.
The one good thing in all of this is that your submissive. You need a life coach in your life.
I just want to add that my ex made huge, mammoth in fact, improvements and it was never anything to do with his condition that brought about our final parting.

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RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 1:07:12 PM

cjan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VanessaChaland

I agree. Not everyone should agree with me. That would be foolish.

Show me one example or case where someone (the patient, not the therapists bank account) was helped by someone else charging them $200 an hour for "talk therapy" and I will kindly shut the hell up.

No really, show me. I really want to know. Whats that? You have no evidence? What a surprise, I am shocked!!!!! :)

P.S. Are you by chance a therapist, lol? :)
I agree with everything (including the med suggestions) except therapy. Therapy is a scam, a crock, a rip off, snake oil, a waste of money, a waste of time and energy. One might as well take their hard earned cash and flush it down the toilet. "Therapy" is the biggest crock of B.S. since Bush's WMD/Iraq, or Moses parting of the Red Sea. :)

Check out Albert Ellis and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy and it's offshoots. Ellis did not theorize , instead he worked from his own experience. It is the only type of psychotherapy that works, imo. It has worked for me and many others. That is not to say that some disorders are biochemical in nature and , in those cases, meds can help.

To dismiss psychotherapy and psychiatry out of hand is to be as blind and arrogant as Tom Cruise is on the matter.

< Message edited by cjan -- 3/26/2009 1:12:23 PM >

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Post #: 36

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 2:29:06 PM

whiteslavebitch

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VanessaChaland

I agree with everything (including the med suggestions) except therapy. Therapy is a scam, a crock, a rip off, snake oil, a waste of money, a waste of time and energy. One might as well take their hard earned cash and flush it down the toilet. "Therapy" is the biggest crock of B.S. since Bush's WMD/Iraq, or Moses parting of the Red Sea. :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I can't imagine you've gotten much support from your family on this and that may be part of why you're not committed to treatment. It is hard to get past that "only crazy people see psychiatrists/psychologists" thing.

The thing is, that in many ways bipolar is just like epilepsy. In fact the newer meds are variants of epilepsy meds since although the symptoms are different, being emotional rather than physical, the cause is the same. The hard wiring in your brain is bad.

Asperger's can learn to relate to others, through therapy.
Bipolars need therapy too, in order to learn all the stuff you missed because you were dealing with the bipolar symptoms.
But first you need to be stabilized.

If the onset was in adolescence, you might benefit by seeing an adolescent psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis since the disease manifests differently in pediatric or adolescent onset than adult onset. And then a referral to a regular psychiatrist.

As far as meds go, what have you tried. Lamictal and/or Seroquel?

I can't agree with you on the value/lack of value in therapy. It literally saved my life. I was in therapy for a limited time, my therapist "fired" me when he thought I didn't need him anymore. For some people it can be a really helpful thing if used right.

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Post #: 37

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 3:34:44 PM

LadyLupineNYC

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Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT...mmm...CBT...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) really helped a returning vet I know with a serious case of PTSD. He literally was able to 'function' in a non-military way after treatment began (i.e. not scaning for IED everytime he was in the car or sizing people up as possible suicide bombers). To say nothing of his new found ability to be around people in a social setting.

Not all approches work on all people, but it was another (of a now long growing list) of positive stories I thought of while at work. And yes, most times ppl just go for a brief period of time to address specific issues; not all are Woody Allen. I would also like to point out that while I also would disagree with the OP not being on medication, unless you have personally be subjected to the meds, don't judge. The meds used for BP are very heavy duty (for a reason), but, alas, not always effective. There has still been some use of electroschock with BP, but, again, not for everyone.

As for nuerosurgens...interesting point, but most people would not fit in this catagory (ie needing surgery).

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Post #: 38

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 3:43:29 PM

LovingMistress45

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To the OP - see a psychiatrist that specializes in bipolar. There are a lot of medications and it often takes time to find the right ones. One of the things about meds for the chemical imblances that cause bipolar and depression is there is at this time no way to tell what the exact imblance is and so it takes time to find the right combo.
Therapy does work and you don't have to use an psychoanalysist or psychologist. It just takes finding a person to connect with.

To the anti-therapy people - yes it does work. I know this from my own personal therapy and I also know it from the work I do as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Addictions Professional. Not that I expect my statement or any of the others to change your closed minds.

(in reply to whiteslavebitch)

Post #: 39

RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship - 3/26/2009 4:35:09 PM

wisdomofgiving

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You have received a lot of good advice, and seeing a neurpsychiatrist is the best move you can take. As far as seeing a therapist, a person only gets out of it what they want. There is nothing any therapist can do if a client refuses to become honest with themself. Many think they can manipulate a therapist and/or smarter then one, but the reality is they usually are game playing. In my book, if someone wants to play games, why should I stop them. It doesn't work, until they get tired of the games they play. No not a license therapist, but use to know all the games and played them well, until one day I said enough. A person must work to heal, and that work entails visiting that dark void we tend to run from.

blessings
wisdomofgiving

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Post #: 40

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