psychological issues are ruining my relationship

psychological issues are ruining my relationship (Full Version)

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thatonebitch -> psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 2:24:13 AM)
I'm just going to come right out with it instead of asking a veiled question. I am ruining my relationship. I have Asperger's syndrome (by itself can cause major problems in a relationship), bipolar disorder (also a nightmare by itself in a relationship) and various other psychological problems, phobias, and insecurities that aren't packaged neatly into a disorder. I find myself getting very angry with things that don't really warrant such a response (case in point: being livid over an old personal ad), and picking fights and acting like a world class cunt. I find myself dying of boredom with the relationship and contemplating leaving until I actually decide I'm done, then I cry and feel guilty and promise that I'll be good. And I am the good little submissive for awhile, but then the cycle repeats itself all over again. I am not on any medication for the bipolar disorder (can't find anything that works for more than a few days until my body gets used to it and I'm tired of poisoning myself) nor am I in therapy (can't find somebody I trust enough to be painfully honest about myself with or the therapy itself is not effective). I honestly do love him, but I'm afraid my bullshit is too much to overcome to have a healthy relationship. I'm not looking for people to villify me and tell me that he deserves better than me, I know that already. What I would like are some helpful suggestions or advice.

VanessaChaland -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 2:32:33 AM)
Continue to find qualified medical advice on your health issues and meds. What meds have your tried? Feel free to message me with that info if you like. I have a bit of experience in that debt. However, the most important thing is to never give up and to continue seeking treatment from those who are trained in this field. :)

eyesopened -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 2:40:02 AM)
You didn't mention what kind of doctor you have had prescribe your medications. A psychiatrist has specialized training in brain fuctional disorders. A general practicioner does not. Sadly, bi-polar is over diagnosed primarily by GPs because it's the affliction du jour and sounds sexy. Most often it's just palin ole boring depression and bi-polar meds can actually make depression worse. Brain disorders don't fix themselves. If you were diagnosed with high blood pressure or some other ailment below the neck would you just give up on medications and doctors? Brain chemistry disfunction is real disease and needs to be treated as such. It's not a matter of sucking it up, walking it off, or putting up with it. Get to a psychiatrist! Tell him or her everything! Your health is too important not to.

CatdeMedici -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 3:43:40 AM)
Is there an off chance that the relationship just isn't right for you? I, Myself used to have that kinsd of behavior, when I was difficult, bratty, uneasonable with swings--it was because I was trying to convince Myself that I DID love him---when in reality, I didn't, I didn't want to be in the relationship and it was a matter of time before I came to My senses to realize that. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they are right for you, or the dynamic that ensues is healthy for you. Food for thought.

thatonebitch -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 3:58:37 AM)
I've been like this in every relationship I've had. And some of the things I do to him, I do to my family and friends. I'm not saying the relationship is perfect, no relationship is, but I do know that I've got issues that need to be fixed. And I know if it's not him, I'll do this to next one and the next one, and the next one.

mani99 -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 3:59:20 AM)
Hi, This is my first reply in these forums although i have been browsing here for months. I can relate to everything you have written except for the Asperger's. Fortunately for me i have found the combination of meds to treat my bipolar. Without them i wouldn't be like to think where i would be right now. Personally i would like it if you took the bitch out your name. The hardest part i have found is coming to terms with the fact that i have a mental illness and learning to accept that my harmful actions are biological not psychological. Fortunately i'm quite comfortatable living alone and would need a very supportive partner to make any relationship work. If a combination of meds can't help you, maybe look at trying some natural remedies ( i take copious amounts of fish oil) , and maybe consider taking your partner along to some councilling sessions with you. It will give him a better understanding of your disease. Best of luck!! k.

sirsholly -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 4:02:28 AM)
quote: The hardest part i have found is coming to terms with the fact that i have a mental illness and learning to accept that my harmful actions are biological not psychological. Would it be as difficult to come to terms with a cardiac issue? The brain is an organ, just like the heart [:)]

eyesopened -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 4:13:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: The hardest part i have found is coming to terms with the fact that i have a mental illness and learning to accept that my harmful actions are biological not psychological. Would it be as difficult to come to terms with a cardiac issue? The brain is an organ, just like the heart [:)] With all respect I believe that is exactly what she is saying. The brain is a biological organ. Too many people think behavior is all a matter of changing one's thinking when there are biological (brain function i.e. chemical/electrical) reasons for behavioral problems. Once we as a society start understanding that boilogical factors are the cause of the majority of mental disorders the more folks will be willing to seek treatment. http://www.nami.org/

sirsholly -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 4:24:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: The hardest part i have found is coming to terms with the fact that i have a mental illness and learning to accept that my harmful actions are biological not psychological. Would it be as difficult to come to terms with a cardiac issue? The brain is an organ, just like the heart [:)] With all respect I believe that is exactly what she is saying. The brain is a biological organ. Too many people think behavior is all a matter of changing one's thinking when there are biological (brain function i.e. chemical/electrical) reasons for behavioral problems. Once we as a society start understanding that boilogical factors are the cause of the majority of mental disorders the more folks will be willing to seek treatment. http://www.nami.org/ exactly!! we can accept issues with all other body organs, but the brain is a tough one to concur.

DesFIP -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 4:35:20 AM)
I can't imagine you've gotten much support from your family on this and that may be part of why you're not committed to treatment. It is hard to get past that "only crazy people see psychiatrists/psychologists" thing. The thing is, that in many ways bipolar is just like epilepsy. In fact the newer meds are variants of epilepsy meds since although the symptoms are different, being emotional rather than physical, the cause is the same. The hard wiring in your brain is bad. Asperger's can learn to relate to others, through therapy. Bipolars need therapy too, in order to learn all the stuff you missed because you were dealing with the bipolar symptoms. But first you need to be stabilized. If the onset was in adolescence, you might benefit by seeing an adolescent psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis since the disease manifests differently in pediatric or adolescent onset than adult onset. And then a referral to a regular psychiatrist. As far as meds go, what have you tried. Lamictal and/or Seroquel?

VanessaChaland -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 4:39:29 AM)
I agree with everything (including the med suggestions) except therapy. Therapy is a scam, a crock, a rip off, snake oil, a waste of money, a waste of time and energy. One might as well take their hard earned cash and flush it down the toilet. "Therapy" is the biggest crock of B.S. since Bush's WMD/Iraq, or Moses parting of the Red Sea. :) quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I can't imagine you've gotten much support from your family on this and that may be part of why you're not committed to treatment. It is hard to get past that "only crazy people see psychiatrists/psychologists" thing. The thing is, that in many ways bipolar is just like epilepsy. In fact the newer meds are variants of epilepsy meds since although the symptoms are different, being emotional rather than physical, the cause is the same. The hard wiring in your brain is bad. Asperger's can learn to relate to others, through therapy. Bipolars need therapy too, in order to learn all the stuff you missed because you were dealing with the bipolar symptoms. But first you need to be stabilized. If the onset was in adolescence, you might benefit by seeing an adolescent psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis since the disease manifests differently in pediatric or adolescent onset than adult onset. And then a referral to a regular psychiatrist. As far as meds go, what have you tried. Lamictal and/or Seroquel?

sirsholly -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 4:44:54 AM)
quote: I agree with everything (including the med suggestions) except therapy. Therapy is a scam, a crock, a rip off, snake oil, a waste of money, a waste of time and energy. One might as well take their hard earned cash and flush it down the toilet. "Therapy" is the biggest crock of B.S. since Bush's WMD/Iraq, or Moses parting of the Red Sea. :) thank heavens not everyone agrees with you [8\|]

VanessaChaland -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 4:52:19 AM)
I agree. Not everyone should agree with me. That would be foolish. Show me one example or case where someone (the patient, not the therapists bank account) was helped by someone else charging them $200 an hour for "talk therapy" and I will kindly shut the hell up. No really, show me. I really want to know. Whats that? You have no evidence? What a surprise, I am shocked!!!!! :) P.S. Are you by chance a therapist, lol? :) quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: I agree with everything (including the med suggestions) except therapy. Therapy is a scam, a crock, a rip off, snake oil, a waste of money, a waste of time and energy. One might as well take their hard earned cash and flush it down the toilet. "Therapy" is the biggest crock of B.S. since Bush's WMD/Iraq, or Moses parting of the Red Sea. :) thank heavens not everyone agrees with you [8\|]

LadyLupineNYC -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 5:04:07 AM)
Is this like Bill O'Rilly saying there are no homeless vets? Raises hand Though, to be fair, the school where I was getting my 2nd Master's paid for it. I was going though a nasty long-distance divorce with the man I had been with for 12 years (basically my entire adult life) and ended up in the hospital twice. I am also a very very distrusting person and so going to see a psychologist was intensely difficult (for example, I never mentioned that I hadn't been talking with my mother- therapy pay-dirt- for the first 4 weeks) but, in the end, it was very helpful to me ways that are specific to what I was going through and some natural mental barriers I put up in my life. Ironically, I also feel that the sessions helped me become a 'better domme' [:D] . I only did see him for a few months (long enough to finish my program and move back to NYC), but I feel very strongly that for me, at that time in my life, it was a godsend. quote: ORIGINAL: VanessaChaland I agree. Not everyone should agree with me. That would be foolish. Show me one example or case where someone (the patient, not the therapists bank account) was helped by someone else charging them $200 an hour for "talk therapy" and I will kindly shut the hell up. No really, show me. I really want to know. Whats that? You have no evidence? What a surprise, I am shocked!!!!! :) P.S. Are you by chance a therapist, lol? :) quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: I agree with everything (including the med suggestions) except therapy. Therapy is a scam, a crock, a rip off, snake oil, a waste of money, a waste of time and energy. One might as well take their hard earned cash and flush it down the toilet. "Therapy" is the biggest crock of B.S. since Bush's WMD/Iraq, or Moses parting of the Red Sea. :) thank heavens not everyone agrees with you [8\|]

sirsholly -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 5:07:44 AM)
yep...therapist here with two Masters degrees. As to "showing you"....sorry cupcake, no can do. Not because i do not have proof, but because of a tiny lil issue called PATIENT PRIVACY. But...you can find proof on your own, if you are willing to peek out of the wall of skepticism you are hidden behind. Your co-workers, friends, family, etc that seem so well adjusted to you? There is a good chance they have had therapy at one time or another and guess what? They are not talking about it because of attitudes such as yours. Why in the hell should they? No one wants to put themselves in the hotseat and try to defend themselves against an attitude that would just slam them down.

SailingBum -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 5:26:14 AM)
Without getting into the therapy pissing contest. Try a neurosurgeon they know a hellva lot more about how the brain works than anyone else. Therapy aint all it's cracked up to be. BadOne

Musetta -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 5:29:46 AM)
@thatonebitch - First, you are not alone. I could have almost written the exact same post about myself. It's not easy. Every day I struggle with the things you mentioned and I can easily make the jump from "He logged on collarme today" to "I am not good enough anymore, he is looking for someone else and he's found her and is responding to her email" in less than a minute. Over time, I've learned that what I see and think isn't necessarily what is really going on with the world. It doesn't mean that those thoughts I have are any less real or frightening when I'm thinking them, but it does give me a bit of perspective on what is and isn't real. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 25. It was first considered as a diagnosis when I was 19. I'm 29 now. So I've been dealing with it and learning about it for a good ten years (this is not meant to come off as me being uberexperienced and full of all kinds of insight, I'm just trying to say that I've had a lot of time to think about it). I'm comfortable with my diagnosis, I don't believe I was improperly diagnosed. Over time I've been on more medications than I can remember. I had the best luck on prozac by itself. But that's just me. It took four years of trial and error to get that. It also took a good doctor. He was the fifth one I've seen. He is an excellent fit for me. So, if I could offer a bit of advice, first thing is find a doctor you feel comfortable with. Second, therapy worked for me. Specifically cognitive behavioral therapy. I behave in a certain way (action) because I feel a certain way (feeling) which is precipitated by a certain thought (thought.) By changing the thought we can change the feeling and then ultimately our actions. It requires mindfulness of all the thoughts we are thinking and the ability to look at them critically. You mentioned an old personal ad in your opening post. I don't know the details but if I saw a personal ad for a Dominant that I was involved with when I thought we were happily together I would freak out! And here's why...I would freak out (action) because I felt unwanted, not good enough, unloved, being replaced (feeling) because he is looking for someone else (thought.) In reality the personal ad could have been two years old that he forgot to take down. So now we are freaking out over nothing. So we change the thought. Sometimes it is hard to know what to change the thought to. But if we at least realize that the thought maybe not be entirely accurate that alone can really help. So if I could offer a second bit of advice it would be to try to find a therapist specializing in bipolar or cognitive behavioral therapy that you feel comfortable with. I've personally found it helpful to kind of "come out" for a lack of better word to people I care about. I will sometimes even ask for a reality check. I even gave my boss (but he's a very good friend, almost like a brother) a list of ten thought distortions that my therapist gave me and he will call me on them if he hears me saying one. You know, you forgot to send an attachment with an email and instead of it being just that you're distracted or HUMAN you're talking about how stupid you are and incompetent? He'll say something like "Do I have to get out the list?" It gives me instant perspective. But you have to make that choice based upon the people you're involved with and what will work best for you. I could go on and on but most importantly I want to tell you to not lose hope. The fact that you're identifying that this is caustic to your relationship is a major step in the right direction, I think. While you have all the hypersensitivity and not so fun stuff that bipolar and Aspergers brings, you've also got some gifts out of it. Use them. YOU have the power to change the way you think and view the world. Empower yourself to do that. Don't get discouraged. You have the opportunity at any moment, in any decision, to change your course, to self-correct. Of course this is just my opinion and what has worked for me. Everyone is different. But hopefully maybe some of what I've learned will help you on your journey. My best wishes for you.

eyesopened -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 6:23:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VanessaChaland I agree with everything (including the med suggestions) except therapy. Therapy is a scam, a crock, a rip off, snake oil, a waste of money, a waste of time and energy. One might as well take their hard earned cash and flush it down the toilet. "Therapy" is the biggest crock of B.S. since Bush's WMD/Iraq, or Moses parting of the Red Sea. :) I have pain in my right hip every day and the smart money is on my needing a hip replacement in the near future. I could go to a physical therapist and there are some with dollar signs in their eyes who would be more than happy to "help" me and it would never fix the underlying problem. Once the hip replacement is complete my doctor will insist on physical therapy to speed my recovery and to help me learn the right kind of exercises to prevent any further damage. Get it??????

MsFlutter -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 6:29:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they are right for you, or the dynamic that ensues is healthy for you..... amen, sister

DavanKael -> RE: psychological issues are ruining my relationship (3/26/2009 6:38:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VanessaChaland I agree. Not everyone should agree with me. That would be foolish. Show me one example or case where someone (the patient, not the therapists bank account) was helped by someone else charging them $200 an hour for "talk therapy" and I will kindly shut the hell up. No really, show me. I really want to know. Whats that? You have no evidence? What a surprise, I am shocked!!!!! :) P.S. Are you by chance a therapist, lol? :) quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: I agree with everything (including the med suggestions) except therapy. Therapy is a scam, a crock, a rip off, snake oil, a waste of money, a waste of time and energy. One might as well take their hard earned cash and flush it down the toilet. "Therapy" is the biggest crock of B.S. since Bush's WMD/Iraq, or Moses parting of the Red Sea. :) thank heavens not everyone agrees with you [8\|] Choosing not to stand mute here. I agree with Holly and will go a couple of steps further by saying that I am a licensed counselor who has benefitted greatly from the work that I have done with my own counselor. I sought her counsel after I separated 'cause, at 32 (At that time), I'd never been out of a 17 year relationship (15 year marriage) and thought that there might be some negative ramifications of that life change even though I knew it was for the best. Her assistance and our collaborative effort has been a great help in several areas of my life and she's been openminded and respectful enough to better understand what polyamory and D/s are to best assist me. I am not a fan of many or even most in my profession but there's my experience refuting your assertion. And, alas, most of us aren't making $200 an hour. I wish I was, that would be fabulous but it's just not the case. OP--You know the issues, you know the behaviors. I am wondering if the diagnoses are correct. Also, someone pointed out that a GP proffering meds versus a psychiatrist are different matters. Most psych meds are given by GP's, often times because clients go in asking for a particular med due to a commercial they've seen, so there's a fair bit of self-diagnosis. Not the best thing in general. Repetitious studies have shown that a combination of medication and therapy have the best efficacy (benefit) for issues like you've described. Given those issues, I would not expect therapy to be short-term but rather an on-going process. Very reasonable concern about wanting to trust your counselor: I believe in being an active consumer of medical care just as I would be regarding any important product or service I was purchasing. Interview multiple counselors if you need to. If you are ready to make the changes in your life that are contributing to the discomforts, it will take effort and diligence but it's very do-able. Best wishes, Davan

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