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Please help Me - 1/26/2006 1:28:22 PM   
artglfr


Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		I have been in the Lifestyle as a subbie, then a switch and now as a new Dom, I am experiencing a problem. I am a Dom because I have subbies I enjoy playing with and they seem to enjoy being played with, started playing with them as a way for them to be played with and find I am actually more into being a Dom than anything else.

My problem is ; a subbie said she would like to be mine. I contacted her and We negotiated and she seemed ok. I gave her a simple assignment which she failed to do. I asked her and she said she had to work a double shift and couldn't contact me. I hadn't given her my phone number and her explanation sounded plausible. I gave her a simple punishment that I had no way of determining if she actually did but she said she did and I let it go at that. Every time I chat with her she sounds so serious and anxious yet is always too busy to meet even though we live in the same town. I gave her another assignment which she also failed, gave her my number to phone me and she said she thought I was going to phone her! I told her I did not have her number. Immediately she apologized and gave me her number and asked me to call and again"she couldn't wait to meet me". I phoned her later. Got a message machine saying she would call back. this was 4 hours ago.

I feel she is just playing me but as I am new to this I don't want to tell her to go away if I don't need to.

I am certain You Masters and Doms out there have already had this and dealt with it. Please help me..."What do I do?"

thanks,
Art
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 1:57:28 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Sounds like she does not know who she is..

There is also however a big difference between a "sub" and a "slave". make sure you do not think of her as a slave.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 2:18:56 PM   
LadyMorgynn


Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline 		Walk away.

If you have a question as to whether you should or not, ask yourself: "Do I need this?" and not just in the context of BDSM/lifestyle, but in ANY kind of relationship.

If your answer is "No," then see above.



_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 2:20:11 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		It's so easy to miscommunicate.

Just give her instructions to contact you when she wants to get serious and perhaps have her mail you a token of come kind, like a lock of hair. When she's ready, she's ready, else you may never hear from her again.

(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 2:21:26 PM   
IceyOne


Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline 		No offense, but she sounds like she's married or has some kind of life that she does not want you to know of. I would walk away from her now, before things got really ugly.

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 3:00:54 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: artglfr

I have been in the Lifestyle as a subbie, then a switch and now as a new Dom, I am experiencing a problem. I am a Dom because I have subbies I enjoy playing with and they seem to enjoy being played with, started playing with them as a way for them to be played with and find I am actually more into being a Dom than anything else.

My problem is ; a subbie said she would like to be mine. I contacted her and We negotiated and she seemed ok. I gave her a simple assignment which she failed to do. I asked her and she said she had to work a double shift and couldn't contact me. I hadn't given her my phone number and her explanation sounded plausible. I gave her a simple punishment that I had no way of determining if she actually did but she said she did and I let it go at that. Every time I chat with her she sounds so serious and anxious yet is always too busy to meet even though we live in the same town. I gave her another assignment which she also failed, gave her my number to phone me and she said she thought I was going to phone her! I told her I did not have her number. Immediately she apologized and gave me her number and asked me to call and again"she couldn't wait to meet me". I phoned her later. Got a message machine saying she would call back. this was 4 hours ago.

I feel she is just playing me but as I am new to this I don't want to tell her to go away if I don't need to.

I am certain You Masters and Doms out there have already had this and dealt with it. Please help me..."What do I do?"

thanks,
Art



It does not matter whether you are in the life or out, gut instinct never changes--I would have two words:

Buh-Bye

However, My recommendation to you is before you take on a sub, find out about yourself, locate your footing as a Dominant, for it is in secure footing that you yank the chain---not them.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 1/26/2006 3:01:38 PM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 3:02:18 PM   
DelRey


Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

Time shit or get off the pot! plain and simple ! This is not baseball, there are not three stirkes.

Be ready to walk if she don't comply, tell her "you'll make one more date that is mutual and if it don't hold she gets flushed" and be a Master and have the balls to follow through.

Masters need to set posture and obtain respect, I don't know enough of the situation to say she is disrespecting you but from your post it is clear the "tail is wagging the dog".

good luck

del Rey


(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 3:04:43 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DelRey



Time shit or get off the pot! plain and simple ! This is not baseball, there are not three stirkes.

Be ready to walk if she don't comply, tell her "you'll make one more date that is mutual and if it don't hold she gets flushed" and be a Master and have the balls to follow through.

Masters need to set posture and obtain respect, I don't know enough of the situation to say she is disrespecting you but from your post it is clear the "tail is wagging the dog".

good luck

del Rey




I have to agree with DelRey here. Time to step up and take control.


_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to DelRey)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 3:50:06 PM   
artglfr


Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks Everyone. I am giving her the very last opportunity either she respond by the posted time or I will delete her and she will never hear from me again.
Thanks for all Your valuable help.
Art

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 4:22:30 PM   
VaWolf


Posts: 30
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline 		You live in the same town. I do not want to sound rude, but set a date on a day you both usually have off; saturday or something, about 2 weeks in advance and then meet, preferably in public, maybe at a movie or something. Tell her what you suspect; that she is playing with you, and why, and make this her last chance. My pet and I live miles apart. She in St. Louis, MO and me in Norfolk, Va. We have met more than 4 times and I am even moving to St Louis to be closer to her.


(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 7:44:16 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Sorry mate, but you're not new at being a Dominant so much as trying to be something you're not. Maybe you just enjoy playing with toys in a Top's role but you sure don't seem cut out to take charge of a sub outside of play.

No-one taught me to be a "control freak", I was that all on my own and, experience or not, I'd have tired of the scenario you've related here the first day! Everyone occasionally gets stuffed around by another and I'll usually allow one chance, maybe two if there really is a valid reason but after that - hooroo; she can go jerk someone else around!

You seem to do better within an actual scene; maybe you should go with what you enjoy because there's no such thing as "deciding" to be a Dominant. If you're a Dom, it was already decided before you ever even knew; you weren't given a choice.

But a hint or two, just in case.... Deliberate or not, she's "pulling your strings" because she can and I seriously doubt she's enjoying that she can - just like you! And round n round you both go.... I wonder who should put a stop to it? Some Dom/mes might demand "My way or the highway...!" Still wanna be a Dom?

Focus.

(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 8:25:51 PM   
artglfr


Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		You make some valid points but I am a Dom, always felt there was more to life than I was getting and when I started Topping I was fulfilled.

A very good point about her"pulling my strings" which is one reason I ask others such as Yourself what they would do. I had pretty much decided but it is good to hear from people with more experience.

I allready put an end to this situation but I have learned a lot and will be less gullible. I don't believe I have to micro manage or be a control freak and am not out to brain wash I feel if the sub doesn't want to do what I feel should be done out of a sincere desire to submit and serve then We both are making a mistake and she will do better with someone else.

I appreciate ALL the great input I am getting from some great People.
Thanks,
Art

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 9:05:16 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: artglfr

You make some valid points but I am a Dom, always felt there was more to life than I was getting and when I started Topping I was fulfilled.

A very good point about her"pulling my strings" which is one reason I ask others such as Yourself what they would do. I had pretty much decided but it is good to hear from people with more experience.

I allready put an end to this situation but I have learned a lot and will be less gullible. I don't believe I have to micro manage or be a control freak and am not out to brain wash I feel if the sub doesn't want to do what I feel should be done out of a sincere desire to submit and serve then We both are making a mistake and she will do better with someone else.

I make no secret or apologies for my original response being deliberately provocative and, credit where it's due, you didn't come back all indignant and fired up as I'd have expected some wannabe or 90's throwback "you can be anything you want" timewaster to do - good start!

Subs do test their Dom/mes as a matter of instinct - it's not deliberate or vindictive. D/s is a control dynamic and subs need reassurance that the Dom is controlling the relationship, not themselves! It's like a test of strength and they're hoping to lose, but they won't just lay down and let you win. The more you demonstrate your control, the less you'll be tested and the happier both will be. It's life, NOT a game!

And remember there's 2 *powers* within a D/s relationship to create a control dynamic. It's not enough that she has a desire to submit and obey you, you also have to demonstrate that you're worthy of her submission and obedience - YOU have to independently lead and dominate, as well!

Of course I'm a control freak, I need and desire to control my girl. "Control freak" is a vanilla expletive and it certainly is distasteful and undesirable in a supposedly egalitarian dynamic but NOT in a consenting D/s or M/s relationship.

Btw, welcome to "Hell" - many think Dom/mes have a free ride.... lol

Focus.

(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 9:26:15 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline 		Just based upon what you are saying, it is My hunch that there is nothing amiss. Do not forget, this is real life. There really is a life outside of BDSM, and it is easy to get caught up in it. Besides, four hours is not a long time to wait for a phone call. I can often times be twice that long if not longer, depending upon how busy I get.

No, I would not worry about it yet. If it is a consistent theme over a long period of time then I would say you have something to be concerned about. However, at this time I do not feel that you have a big enough sample size to get an accurate overall picture. I would run with it for a while and see what happens.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Please help Me - 1/26/2006 9:48:46 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		everyone gets played at some time, probably more often than not. However, keep in mind what focus said about being tested....subs have specific desires as well, and they want to make damned sure that a dom will fulfill them before they do give over real control, and well they should.
So its a judgement call, so use your judgement, that is one of the things expected of a dom, to make the decisions

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to SirKenin)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Please help Me - 1/27/2006 1:04:59 AM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

No offense, but she sounds like she's married or has some kind of life that she does not want you to know of.


Icey, you just sent a chill down my spine. I've had that happen, and I STILL tend to believe people until proven wrong. I'd like to think Kenin's right, but now you've done it!

Given a woman's instinct about another woman, I'd go with it.

(in reply to IceyOne)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Please help Me - 1/27/2006 2:10:09 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Despite what many others are saying here, I'm not yet so convinced there's something "wrong" or sinister going on with this sub. It's just as likely she's been testing the boundaries of your control and found them to be a little too flexible for her liking....

Obviously you need to put an end to being jerked around but maybe that's just what she wants from you, too! You don't get respect just for adopting a Dom persona, she's entitled to have you earn her respect with more than words.

I've said it before, it takes *2* to create a D/s dynamic, not just the sub submitting.... It works much smoother when a sub submits to a Dom who dominates - you have your part to play; and to prove you're capable of taking charge.

Focus.

(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Please help Me - 1/27/2006 5:36:09 AM   
IceyOne


Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Despite what many others are saying here, I'm not yet so convinced there's something "wrong" or sinister going on with this sub. It's just as likely she's been testing the boundaries of your control and found them to be a little too flexible for her liking....

Obviously you need to put an end to being jerked around but maybe that's just what she wants from you, too! You don't get respect just for adopting a Dom persona, she's entitled to have you earn her respect with more than words.

I've said it before, it takes *2* to create a D/s dynamic, not just the sub submitting.... It works much smoother when a sub submits to a Dom who dominates - you have your part to play; and to prove you're capable of taking charge.

Focus.


Ok, I simply have to ask this question...Focus50

Are you saying that if you were to meet someone...and they refused to meet in public with you even though you both lived close enough to each other for this not to be a problem, and if they refused to give a viable phone number...or they refused to answer the phone after promising numerous times that they would...

You would stll think that they were just testing your boundaries of control?

Really curious about this here.

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Please help Me - 1/27/2006 8:07:40 AM   
artglfr


Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		I gave her till Noon today to phone. If she calls after 12 which I expect she will , I am going to give her a month to think about whether she really is serious and to realize that I am. During the month there will be No contact so she can hopefully realize her actions or inactions brought this on.

If she is serious and it is meant to be after a month she WILL phone and on time.

Will keep Everyone posted next month.

Thanks for the great information. It is awesome to have a forum like this. All the knowlege that I have received has been taken to heart.

Cheers,
Art

(in reply to IceyOne)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Please help Me - 1/27/2006 8:22:11 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: artglfr

I gave her till Noon today to phone. If she calls after 12 which I expect she will , I am going to give her a month to think about whether she really is serious and to realize that I am. During the month there will be No contact so she can hopefully realize her actions or inactions brought this on.

If she is serious and it is meant to be after a month she WILL phone and on time.

Will keep Everyone posted next month.

Thanks for the great information. It is awesome to have a forum like this. All the knowlege that I have received has been taken to heart.

Cheers,
Art



If I may make a suggestion, a month is a long time--if she is playing games a month won't change it- but it WILL take time from you---I'd make is shorter, say 2 weeks- and I would have her WRITE a petition, the reasons why she wants this and you---and I'd push for a meeting--she is after all in your same town--I don't get what the big deal is about coffee---someone in the same town with reluctance??---take care

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 20
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