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Balance - 3/28/2009 4:33:32 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		My text stars said today (I get text astrology each day...it's fun..but not the point of this post).....
~Maybe there are power struggles with someone close.You have to find that fine line between being too controlling yourself or being too submissive~. Like wtf? it wasn't as if it's a bdsm astrology service....
but in truth I do find it a worry sometimes, that balance between being in control and being submissive in my relationship as a submissive. I say that I am submissive by nature and that I am in a Master/slave relationship. But I have in the past been in trouble when i have 'fallen' into total submission, into that slave mindset, and then found it difficult to extricate myself in the world of work and parenthood.

I'm also able to switch. I can't be dominant with a man... unless instructed to 'top' but that's not the same thing. However I am by nature also an alpha and so I can easily and indeed enjoy being dominant to a woman.

So my questions are:
For s types: do you struggle within with the balance between control and submission?
For D types: do you ever long to give up the dominant position and submit, even just for the experience?
For switches.. (who get left out of questions far too much)..is there a 'switch' or is there a continuum between your control and submission?
And for everyone/anyone: Have you experienced both sides of the dynamic and does this help you to find balance? Do you walk a tightrope or a familiar path?

Thankfulness in advance.


< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 3/28/2009 4:35:17 AM >

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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 7:16:57 AM   
LovingMistress45


Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

So my questions are:

For D types: do you ever long to give up the dominant position and submit, even just for the experience?
No, I don't.  I have no desire to submit to anyone. 
And for everyone/anyone: Have you experienced both sides of the dynamic and does this help you to find balance? Do you walk a tightrope or a familiar path?
The closest I come to this is I am also a masochist. From this perspective I do know first hand what various pain sensations feel like and how different techniques effect the way sensations are experienced.

Thankfulness in advance.


(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 8:03:46 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I am a switch though I have found that I prefer the role of slave.  When I first started as that, rather than being a Domme, I had some big internal battles about control.  It wasn't that I wanted to control HIM, it was more along the lines of just how much was I willing to allow him to control ME.  In my case it came back to trust.  I was afraid to trust someone to the point of allowing them to make lasting changes to me.  At least once a month it seemed that a new task came up where I would sit back and wonder if the relationship was worth it to go through with the task, or I would get an email with a new piece of information and roll my eyes and wonder if I really wanted to be a part of this "game" - even though I never saw the relationship as a game. 

As my trust in him grew (because the trust was warranted, not demanded) I found that the internal struggles lessened but I can't honestly say they have completely gone away.  It is not unusual to want to drag your feet once in a while and check yourself to see just how deeply committed you are to being subserviant.

As a Domme, I was often approached by Doms who said that they had a submissive side that they only let out once or twice a year and asking if I would be willing to work with them.  It is hard work to be a good Dom.  You are in control, trying to find things to stretch the limits of your sub yet make sure that at the same time it will bring you pleasure and them a measure of fulfillment, knowing that they could balk and walk away, and sometime you just get sick of being in control and want to hand the reins over to someone else for a break.

Similar to the old Kinsey scale of how homosexual a person is, there is really a gradient on how dominant or submissive someone is.  Some people are at one far end or the other and never want to switch at all.  Most are somewhere in the middle, and even if they never act on it may wonder what it is like to be on the other end.  Then there are those who actively take part in switching to some extent. 

As for a familiar path, it seems that rarely happens in my life for long.  There are always surprises and chances to grow.  Even some tasks given to subs have a controlling overtone such as being put in charge of something or someone for a time.  It's wonderful that there are so many ways to express ourselves within our relationships.


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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 8:07:18 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

But I
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I say that I am submissive by nature and that I am in a Master/slave relationship. But I have in the past been in trouble when i have 'fallen' into total submission, into that slave mindset, and then found it difficult to extricate myself in the world of work and parenthood.

So my questions are:
For s types: do you struggle within with the balance between control and submission?

Thankfulness in advance.



Not at all, no. I'm owned by M and therefore have agreed to *submit* to him. It's not a feeling for me but an action. For the majority of the time I don't feel submissive toward him, as such, anymore than I do toward anyone.

agirl



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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 10:32:48 AM   
SirRussellP


Posts: 107
Joined: 1/10/2006
Status: offline 		I am a Dominant in all ways, it is hard to be an employee since I am receiving orders and directives from the bosses.

I spent most of my life working for myself to avoid this but today I work for a huge corporation, gotta eat. 

Being a good employee is about as close to submissiveness I expect to get. 

Now as to too far into the Dom mindset, yes I have to work at that.  To go to far that way is to become a bully an out of control Dominant that can't really function in society

< Message edited by SirRussellP -- 3/28/2009 10:51:44 AM >

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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 10:33:44 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

For D types: do you ever long to give up the dominant position and submit, even just for the experience?


Nope.  There may be times when I'd need the emotional support of a sub or times when I realize they may be more competent at a certain task than I (so the superficial dominance-via-action would seem to shift to the sub), but I always naturally gravitate to holding the reins on that delegation.

I think "balance" is a bit of a red herring term. More important, I think, is honest introspection into what gives you the most fulfillment and serenity, and that answer does not always need to be precisely in the middle of two poles...or even anywhere near it.


_____________________________

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 2:53:28 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen
I am a switch though I have found that I prefer the role of slave.


This I completelu identifu with/ For me it is bliss, and restful with the right owner. One who balances their requirement for service and their love of controlling through sensation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen
It wasn't that I wanted to control HIM, it was more along the lines of just how much was I willing to allow him to control ME. ........r I would get an email with a new piece of information and roll my eyes and wonder if I really wanted to be a part of this "game" - even though I never saw the relationship as a game.


I value my freedom in certain areas.. work, creativity and my family life. It can't be an easy rask got anyone to take me on. Willful, stubborn...these descriptives are tame compared to the way o bahave when D types have tried a certain type of control. I simply don't respond to punishment. For example I don't respond by changing if I am punisdhrf by pain: say the pain of caning. I do respond to pain as sensation and can really 'take' a great deal of paon if it is skilfully accompanied by a kiss for example.. I feel it as reward.

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen
As my trust in him grew (because the trust was warranted, not demanded) I found that the internal struggles lessened but I can't honestly say they have completely gone away.  It is not unusual to want to drag your feet once in a while and check yourself to see just how deeply committed you are to being subserviant.


As for internal struhhles: wgen I am reproached, or humiliated (even when it is apparent it is totally plauful) I dtruggle to keep a slide to domination inside of me. I released myself from relationships and in reaction gobe as far as to want out of being a sub and felt near the edge of being able to dominate a guy. But I knew in my heart that it would have been a revengeful dynamic.


quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberquee
As a Domme, I was often approached by Doms who said that they had a submissive side that they only let out once or twice a year and asking if I would be willing to work with them.  It is hard work to be a good Dom. 


I don't know how a good dominant keeps the control, or can sustain creativity. I don't fully understand where the sense of release is either. I ove it so being on this side.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberque
Similar to the old Kinsey scale of how homosexual a person is, there is really a gradient on how dominant or submissive someone is.  Some people are at one far end or the other and never want to switch at all.  Most are somewhere in the middle, and even if they never act on it may wonder what it is like to be on the other end.  Then there are those who actively take part in switching to some extent.

I do think it's helped me to submit more fully having experienced being dominant myself.
.




_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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To my stalker:
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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 3:11:46 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

But I
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I say that I am submissive by nature and that I am in a Master/slave relationship. But I have in the past been in trouble when i have 'fallen' into total submission, into that slave mindset, and then found it difficult to extricate myself in the world of work and parenthood.

So my questions are:
For s types: do you struggle within with the balance between control and submission?

Thankfulness in advance.



Not at all, no. I'm owned by M and therefore have agreed to *submit* to him. It's not a feeling for me but an action. For the majority of the time I don't feel submissive toward him, as such, anymore than I do toward anyone.

agirl


I am always amazed by the simplicity or rather should I say clarity of your responses.
For me submission is not just behavioural. It's also a mindset. Forgive me if I read you incorrectly.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 3:15:53 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirRussellP

I am a Dominant in all ways, it is hard to be an employee since I am receiving orders and directives from the bosses.

I spent most of my life working for myself to avoid this but today I work for a huge corporation, gotta eat. 

Being a good employee is about as close to submissiveness I expect to get. 

Now as to too far into the Dom mindset, yes I have to work at that.  To go to far that way is to become a bully an out of control Dominant that can't really function in society

I can see how working for a big corporation would just be difficult full stop.
For me: I am at my most positive and 'powerful' at work when I am being handled correctly in my dynamic.



_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 6:19:01 PM   
AcademyForSlaves


Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline 		The only thing I have to balance is giving the subs what they crave while maintaining my dominance by making them give me what I want.

May be this is why there's that opinion that females make better subs? May be because men can be more selfish. (Not that there isn't any selfish women...)

But it does gets easy when I meet a compromising unselfish sub that understand the dom is in control and to sub is to give up control. When he understands this and gives in then I'm satisfied and when I'm happy I'm more willing to give him what he likes too. Now that's teamwork!!

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http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

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RE: Balance - 3/28/2009 7:55:35 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

But I
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I say that I am submissive by nature and that I am in a Master/slave relationship. But I have in the past been in trouble when i have 'fallen' into total submission, into that slave mindset, and then found it difficult to extricate myself in the world of work and parenthood.

So my questions are:
For s types: do you struggle within with the balance between control and submission?

Thankfulness in advance.



Not at all, no. I'm owned by M and therefore have agreed to *submit* to him. It's not a feeling for me but an action. For the majority of the time I don't feel submissive toward him, as such, anymore than I do toward anyone.

agirl


I am always amazed by the simplicity or rather should I say clarity of your responses.
For me submission is not just behavioural. It's also a mindset. Forgive me if I read you incorrectly.



It's not a mindset for me, at least not in any way that encompasses the rest of my life. Submission, for me, is all about M.

agirl




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RE: Balance - 3/29/2009 3:05:48 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AcademyForSlaves

The only thing I have to balance is giving the subs what they crave while maintaining my dominance by making them give me what I want.

Maybe this insight is why some submissive women who have 'turned'...what I mean by that is that they have found the bi or lesbian aspect of their submission...maybe that is why some women I know have said that women make better dominants!

I have met male doms who haven't a clue as to the needs of their submissives or slaves and indeed really think they can train those needs to go away, or control their s type so much that their needs will never surface.

Part of this stems from a belief that bdsm is somehow separate from the rest of life and somehow separate from being human.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AcademyForSlaves
May be this is why there's that opinion that females make better subs? May be because men can be more selfish. (Not that there isn't any selfish women...)

Anyone, except the most extreme altruist, can be selfish. But it was motherhood, motherhood alone, and not any degree of service, that taught me about selflessness. After mothering, serving a dominant is like a walk in the park


quote:

ORIGINAL: AcademyForSlav
But it does gets easy when I meet a compromising unselfish sub that understand the dom is in control and to sub is to give up control. When he understands this and gives in then I'm satisfied and when I'm happy I'm more willing to give him what he likes too. Now that's teamwork!!

Yes eventually getting what I want is really amazing and worth every moment of giving in. Thank you for the story from the other side.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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RE: Balance - 3/29/2009 3:08:26 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

But I
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I say that I am submissive by nature and that I am in a Master/slave relationship. But I have in the past been in trouble when i have 'fallen' into total submission, into that slave mindset, and then found it difficult to extricate myself in the world of work and parenthood.

So my questions are:
For s types: do you struggle within with the balance between control and submission?

Thankfulness in advance.



Not at all, no. I'm owned by M and therefore have agreed to *submit* to him. It's not a feeling for me but an action. For the majority of the time I don't feel submissive toward him, as such, anymore than I do toward anyone.

agirl


I am always amazed by the simplicity or rather should I say clarity of your responses.
For me submission is not just behavioural. It's also a mindset. Forgive me if I read you incorrectly.



It's not a mindset for me, at least not in any way that encompasses the rest of my life. Submission, for me, is all about M.

agirl


I wish that it wasn't a mindset for me a great deal of the time. I've sometimes thought that if it weren't for being in a bdsm relationship then I would make good material for a cult.... I'd have to be in with the charismatic leader of course....


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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RE: Balance - 3/29/2009 3:18:10 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

For D types: do you ever long to give up the dominant position and submit, even just for the experience?



Horses for courses, for me.

I don't see any value in insisting on a position of authority in most spheres of life. At work, a contract is signed and you abide by the contract - nowhere in there does it say: "you are the dominant partner in this relationship" - any attempt to assume that position will prove self-defeating. With friends and parents, it's useful to defer to them at times, assuming you value a good relationship with them. In a relationship with your partner, now that is a different matter - the two of you can come to an agreement that suits both parties.

It's purely pragmatic, of course, but I don't have the will or the inclination to aspire to the dominant position in all of my relationships. It must be pretty exhausting and can only lead to unnecessary aggravation.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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RE: Balance - 3/29/2009 3:32:50 AM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

For s types: do you struggle within with the balance between control and submission?
 
I am Sir's primary carer and do a lot of things each day that I have to "take charge" of.  I tell Him when His meds are due, what time He needs to get hooked up to the dialysis machine, when He needs to get new scripts or go to the doctor's. 
 
Yes this is part of my service to Him, but sometimes it does feel a bit wrong for me to be telling Him what He needs to do!   Sometimes He calls me Mistress (in a joking way) but it kind of makes me stop and think perhaps I am being too bossy....
 
 

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RE: Balance - 3/29/2009 4:11:05 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		A flock of geese are migrating and getting to the winter feeding grounds is a focused goal for all in the flock.  Geese fly in a V formation with one goose at the lead.  The reason for the V is that the goose at the lead has to work the hardest, flying against the most resistance and each flapping wing makes it easier for each goose behind so that the last goose in each arm of the V flies with the least effort.

The leader gets tired and without so much as a head nod in agreement the lead goose leaves its position and retires to the back and another goose takes the more difficult lead spot,  This is done because the need for the entire flock is to get to the winter feeding grounds quickly.  It's a reason why migrating birds make such incredible time!  The goose in the lead position of the V is not the dominant goose, it is the goose that is strongest at that time.

In our relationship, the needs and goals of the Relationship is paramount, and if that means one of us does the harder work to make it easier for the other it really has no bearing on who is in charge.  Therefore, there is no need to worry about what activities or needs fits which role.  Master is the ultimate authority in this Relationship and that never changes even if He would need me to be "in charge" of something, it is by His authority and by His command that I do it. 

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RE: Balance - 3/29/2009 4:29:01 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened


The leader gets tired and without so much as a head nod in agreement the lead goose leaves its position and retires to the back and another goose takes the more difficult lead spot,  This is done because the need for the entire flock is to get to the winter feeding grounds quickly.  It's a reason why migrating birds make such incredible time!  The goose in the lead position of the V is not the dominant goose, it is the goose that is strongest at that time.


This is a lovely analogy thank you. And one that explains a great deal.


_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
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RE: Balance - 3/29/2009 4:35:50 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
.

It's purely pragmatic, of course, but I don't have the will or the inclination to aspire to the dominant position in all of my relationships. It must be pretty exhausting and can only lead to unnecessary aggravation.

I agree about it having to be pragmatic. Friends who are submissive and younger at that often state that they find it difficult to be without their dominant even though the relationship is considered 24/7. Now I have always taken the 24/7 to be temporal and nothong to do with where one lives. Life is tough these days. People have crippling timetables just staying financially afloat. My lifestyle certainly does not easily facilittate being with anyone 24/7 in terms of living together. Not so long ago I was trying to live like that and really came to resent the sense of control; the reporaochful looks, the veiled crticisms, the differences in everyday habits and expectations. Hell how i felt imprisioned.
So there's a sub drop when We say goodbye and I go back into my everyday life working and shopping and teens. But totally submitting when we are together seems to be the fire that keeps me going when we are apart. I feel powerful when we are apart because i feel so controlled when we are together. It works for me to be my own woman, to be free to write, work and all the rest.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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RE: Balance - 3/29/2009 5:10:52 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Now I have always taken the 24/7 to be temporal and nothong to do with where one lives. Life is tough these days. People have crippling timetables just staying financially afloat. My lifestyle certainly does not easily facilittate being with anyone 24/7 in terms of living together.



I'm sure physical presence supports the mindset. I suppose we're getting into the realms of personal preference, yet the need to live together while maintaining the space to chase individual interests, seems self-evident when you consider human behaviour: we seek out exactly that framework with government, family, work etc.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
 
Not so long ago I was trying to live like that and really came to resent the sense of control; the reporaochful looks, the veiled crticisms, the differences in everyday habits and expectations. Hell how i felt imprisioned.
 


Well, yeah, I'd feel imprisoned living with someone who couldn't accept my standards and use them to his advantage, too. I'd assume that relationships work where you like and value what the other partner has to offer. Having said that, nobody is above criticism, hopefully constructive mind you.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
 
It works for me to be my own woman, to be free to write, work and all the rest.



I have never been out with any woman, nor ever would do, who doesn't have her own interests...a bit of fire in her stomach so to speak....primarily because a) I don't have the will nor inclination to cradle someone and b) Personal interests make the person interesting.

Being frank, I'd be surprised were there anyone anywhere who doesn't value his/her own time/interests, but then I suppose I'm speaking accroding to my experience of the world.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Balance - 3/29/2009 5:38:56 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent


I have never been out with any woman, nor ever would do, who doesn't have her own interests...a bit of fire in her stomach so to speak....primarily because a) I don't have the will nor inclination to cradle someone and b) Personal interests make the person interesting.

Being frank, I'd be surprised were there anyone anywhere who doesn't value his/her own time/interests, but then I suppose I'm speaking accroding to my experience of the world.

Then the ones whom I really feel to have this dialogue with aren't reading this thread... the d's who have their slaves veiled at home, the d's who have their slaves in cages, the 1950 types who have a woman 'chained' to the kitchen sink, and definitely the d types who loan and whore out their submissives. Don't get me wrong; it takes two to tango and this is all about consent so the s types who are veiled, who are caged are not discussing this either. Maybe because they are not allowed internet access who knows?

I'm not passing an ethical or moral judgment here either.. it's horses for courses. All I know is that I get far too much personal, financial and creative satisfaction fron being out in the world to want to or to be able to give any of it up fo or in r a relationship. But then perhaps it's because i am driven by service and the need to 'do' and serve othes.

Anyway I was talking about balance and the lines between giving in and being in charge are inner values, not so easy for anyone else to see or understand except for me. And as inner values they are sometimes misconstrued in my behaviours also.


_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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