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RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/30/2009 7:28:05 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

If she is withdrawing from you , you might send her an email saying that you think things went a bit fast and furious, and you want to pull back and chill out a little, and get to know her as  a person more before exploring the wilder side of her. Since most people don't have orgasms from talking on the phone about the weather and what sort of shoes they prefer, she might think the sex is the primary goal of your relationship.

Well said, kiwisub!
I'll add that it's quite likely that she's at least a little embarrassed, esp if the whole phone sex thing is something she doesn't usually do (or if she's new to actually meeting someone she's played on the phone with). I can say from personal experience that it adds a whole other degree of difficulty to meeting someone for the first time and sitting down to a nice dinner if you are wondering whether they are thinking of that nasty talk you did on the phone, lol.

< Message edited by WyldHrt -- 3/30/2009 7:29:55 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/30/2009 7:33:28 PM   
Searchin4What


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline 		I have taken the community's advice, as it is reasonable and appropriate.

I'm backing off and allowing her the option to continue conversation.  I've deleted her number from my phone.

If you want updates, let me know.  I'd prefer to email those rather than post.

Thank you all again.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/30/2009 7:47:04 PM   
marysdream


Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
Status: offline 		Hmmm ok one comment...you had phone sex with this woman you do not even know..lol you think or she convinced you she had orgasms..hmmm and you now are well on your way to what kind of relationship?
sorry one comment and a question!
ree!


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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/31/2009 5:27:23 AM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tamedspirit

That is Your opinion.. mine is at least get to know the person more before meeting.. you can find out a lot about people the longer you speak to them. it took me 4 years of talking online before i met my last Dom.. as a submissive i had to have compleate trust before i even thought about meeting Him,
tamed.


i wouldnt waste my time (and his) by extending things this long.  personal chemistry counts a LOT to me...i had a vanilla "lover" whom i adored online, adored on the phone, we got along great

.....and the way he SMELLED turned my stomach.  he was clean, well-kempt,  dressed nicely.  but had a metallic (to me) odor that really bothered my sense of smell.  we stayed friends, but no more monkey business.

i know, you and i are different.  but i would wish to meet whoever within a couple of weeks to see if the face-to-face chemistry worked as well as the online chemistry.  that doesnt mean play or scening or sex on the first meet, that means coffee or a soda and face-to-face conversation.  and there might be several conversation dates before any sort of private meetings take place.  (or not)

to the OP...setting up a conversation date is one thing, setting up scene time is another.  the lady in question may have nerves, or she may have severe reservations on how far things will be taken at a first meetup.  perhaps suggesting a coffee shop meet, or a walk in a very public place, might be a good idea?

kitten

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RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/31/2009 5:45:14 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Frankly it doesn't sound like she is either into you or wants to go further. She may not feel comfortable meeting or just doesn't want to. You can only support her until she does feel comfortable, which hopefully is what she will do.

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RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/31/2009 5:45:17 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Searchin4What

She and I chatted for the first time a week ago. We clicked, and talked on the phone that night, and there were orgasms. 

She is scared of these feelings and has refused to talk on the phone for a few days because she is scared of how compliant she becomes for me. 


You asked ~~ this is my opinion, don't anyone say I am judging !!
 
You used her as wank material the first time on the phone.  That would leave me feeling vulnerable and rather awkward about meeting.
If she is as compliant as you say she is, of course only for you, then you used her.  She probably was seductively enticed and before she know it, she was being your wank bait. 
 
If this is what your type of dominance is, go for it, but if this one didn't appreciate it, she probably is acting this way cause she doesn't want to be wank bait again, and if she communicates with you, you will do it again.
 
FYI:  Some women learn fast, ie if they don't want to be wank bait, that they hang up or make it very clear that being bait is a very extreme hard limit before picking up the phone.

< Message edited by RealSub58 -- 3/31/2009 5:49:45 AM >

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RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/31/2009 8:25:44 AM   
TaoWoman


Posts: 140
Joined: 2/27/2009
From: Kpe'me', Togo
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tamedspirit

That is Your opinion.. mine is at least get to know the person more before meeting.. you can find out a lot about people the longer you speak to them. it took me 4 years of talking online before i met my last Dom.. as a submissive i had to have compleate trust before i even thought about meeting Him,
tamed.


Ofcourse it is my opinion and preference and it is also based on life experience. No matter how wonderful the benefits of online communication, nothing (in my opinion) compares with face to face...feeling their energy, inhaling their scent, seeing their facial expression - particularly their eyes, and reading body language. 4 years of online communication cannot give you these things - even thru webcam. I am glad for you that your Dom had the patience for this and that it worked out for you in the end but I do believe you are the exception and not the rule.

If I am ever afraid to meet someone in a public place for coffee, I trust that my instincts are giving me a signal that things are not as they should be and that perhaps I should re-evaluate my investment in the relationship. Ofcourse, at age 99, I am more familiar with pre-internet dating then you are~



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RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/31/2009 8:51:24 AM   
Searchin4What


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline 		I am inclined to meet sooner rather than later, purely because interacting in person is so different.

I also believe that an endless online courtship leads to unreasonable expectations.

Suffice it to say, I'm semi-certain that she's going to drift away from me, and if that's her desire so be it.

But for the record, I don't agree with or approve of the term 'wank bait' to describe our phone calls. I see your viewpoint, but understand that an opinion is indeed a judgement.

Again, thank you all. This has been very helpful for me. I'll have to become more active here.

(in reply to TaoWoman)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/31/2009 9:52:08 AM   
asianchloe


Posts: 104
Joined: 2/25/2009
Status: offline 		If the interest is there and I have enough information (from emails or phone calls) to trust that the information presented is honest and accurate, I don't think a week is too early to meet. Obviously, everyone's time line is different but if both parties are interested about a real-time relationship (and not just anonymous phone sex), I don't think meeting in person AFTER you've shared orgasms is "far too early".

quote:

ORIGINAL: tamedspirit

i would be anxious too You have only known this woman a week it is far too early to be wanting to meet.. are You pushing her into meeting ? if so You might have scared her off.
tamed


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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/31/2009 10:02:22 AM   
asianchloe


Posts: 104
Joined: 2/25/2009
Status: offline 		Because, presumably, you know who the other person is if you've exchanged home or work numbers and other details about each other. Perhaps they wrote to you from a work email so you can trust they are who they say they are, to an extent. Someone "dangerous" might not provide all this information.

From what I've read on the boards, it's not uncommon to meet and play on the same day and even if dungeons are public space and safer than someone's apartment, you still are alone with the person, so women should take caution when meeting strangers, especially subs/switches who may be restrained.


quote:

ORIGINAL: TaoWoman

quote:

ORIGINAL: tamedspirit

How would talking via phone and internet make anyone "safer" to meet in a public place? I have spent as much as 6 months talking heart to heart with someone, only to finally meet and realize they were not who they led me to believe. In my opinion, it is never too early to meet~



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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/31/2009 10:06:24 AM   
asianchloe


Posts: 104
Joined: 2/25/2009
Status: offline 		I don't think she's "justified" in fearing to meet due to sexual pressure if she's already gone there on the phone during their first conversation!


quote:

ORIGINAL: eleusis

She may simply need more time. More time to get to know You, and more time to reconcile the feelings of compliance she has towards You. Keep reassuring her during that time that it will be a public meeting- and that You will not be expecting- or suggesting- anything sexual. If she's concerned that You will be, and that she won't have the ability to say "no" to You (even if she wants to)- it can be very disconcerting for her. Trust and communication are about the only things that are going to assuage her fears- and both of those take time and effort. If You push too hard for this, You could push her away. Remember, as a Dom, You need to make her feel safe- and that may mean waiting a little longer than You'd prefer for the meeting. It's not like it's been years, or even months. Since you two have only been talking a little over a week, I think she is quite justified in wanting to postpone the meeting at this point.


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RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 3/31/2009 3:01:46 PM   
tamedspirit


Posts: 24
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TaoWoman

quote:

ORIGINAL: tamedspirit

That is Your opinion.. mine is at least get to know the person more before meeting.. you can find out a lot about people the longer you speak to them. it took me 4 years of talking online before i met my last Dom.. as a submissive i had to have compleate trust before i even thought about meeting Him,
tamed.


Ofcourse it is my opinion and preference and it is also based on life experience. No matter how wonderful the benefits of online communication, nothing (in my opinion) compares with face to face...feeling their energy, inhaling their scent, seeing their facial expression - particularly their eyes, and reading body language. 4 years of online communication cannot give you these things - even thru webcam. I am glad for you that your Dom had the patience for this and that it worked out for you in the end but I do believe you are the exception and not the rule.

If I am ever afraid to meet someone in a public place for coffee, I trust that my instincts are giving me a signal that things are not as they should be and that perhaps I should re-evaluate my investment in the relationship. Ofcourse, at age 99, I am more familiar with pre-internet dating then you are~




for a start i do not believe You are 99 at all , so that shows You are fake, also maybe i am more carefull and level headed than You , maybe i care about my safety like maybe this girl does , maybe i am more sensible .. who knows who cares?

< Message edited by tamedspirit -- 3/31/2009 3:03:59 PM >

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RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 4/1/2009 7:04:32 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: asianchloe
I don't think she's "justified" in fearing to meet due to sexual pressure if she's already gone there on the phone during their first conversation!


So because she had phone sex means she has to have sex with him on the first meet? And if she refuses, then he can rape her because she did it on the phone.
And because she had phone sex means she doesn't have the right to worry about her health. After all, any no account slut who would have phone sex probably has half a dozen std's already?

You may want to rethink that statement in light of reality.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 4/1/2009 9:17:24 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		This sort of thing is really common, someone has been in control their whole life and either meet someone who is really dominant or at least someone with whom they let go and the feelings can be scary. 

My advice would be to be a rock for her.  Slow down a bit but keep the communication up as you stated.  Don't freak out if she disapears for a bit, if you really did take her someplace where she could let go, she is either going to come back and want more or is going to freak out and disapear.  Frankly, there isn't much you can do to change which direction she goes other than simply be calm and stable with her, allow her to bounce around a bit and see if she settles down.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 4/1/2009 9:31:10 AM   
girlygurl


Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline 		If its only been a week since the two of you started chatting give her more time. Sir and I chatted for weeks, if not a month before we actually met in person. You can't rush trust. Depending on what her trust issues are it may take a lot longer than what you want or expect.

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RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 4/3/2009 10:55:43 AM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Searchin4What

I've told her via emails and texts that I will let her process these changes by herself if sue wishes, but I will not let communication end. 

I honestly feel that time is the best solution, and I am willing to give her that because a more demandin approach will scare her off completely, I think. 



I haven't read the other responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating things here.

In my opinion, your on the right track. I'm also an 'easily scared off' type of submissive, and time is generally exactly what I need. It will do no good to demand anything from this woman while she's feeling scared and insecure, the best thing you can do is ask gently what she would like from you in order to help her (if anything), and then do your best to provide it. She may need time, she may just need reassurance, she may need you to write out a play book for how your first encounter will go so that she can look at it and decide if she's comfortable with it. And she may just need to hear that you understand that she's nervous and that you're willing to keep talking to her until she feels more comfortable.

She'll be your best resource as to how to provide the support and encouragement she needs...but in the meantime, just listen, let her vent and rant in emails and texts, give her permission (by being accepting and not judgemental) to be afraid and shy and nervous...and remind her that you're there if and when she needs you.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How can I help ease her fears? - 4/3/2009 12:32:19 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		:::Scratches her head. Phone sex in the first week but not coffee?" Hmmm, Toto I think we're not in Kansas anymore":::

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I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

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(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 37
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