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Like riding a bicycle... not. - 3/30/2009 7:55:30 PM

bittermoonlight

Posts: 48
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: offline

Hello! I'm hoping to garner a little advice... or maybe a lot, depending on how generous you ladies (and others) are.

It's been, well, it's been a good long while since I've played with anyone. I'm naturally very dominant and sexually aggressive, and I remember feeling so much more like myself when I was happily exploring in that general direction. Finding $randomplaymate obviously isn't hard, that's what websites like cm and others are primarily for - my problem is that I'm not really on the meatmarket right now - no time, no energy for wooing and persuing new bodies. I'm in an open, vanilla relationship which is very loving, just without much of a powerplay dynamic.

I have friends who are willing kink partners, though scheduling is a beast. So "finding someone" isn't the issue - here's what is.

It's been a long time since I've gotten to play and my instinct when something that vital stops is to shut down. So, I'm trying to start up again, but I feel rusty and dusty and not at all confident in my ability to top anyone. Help! I need to de-lobotomize my libido. As a tactic for surviving without going crazy, it's effective, but what a price to pay if I can't shake myself out of this funk.

What do you do to snap out of such a mindset? How do you give your confidence a good dusting?

Thanks!
-Bitter

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RE: Like riding a bicycle... not. - 3/30/2009 9:10:23 PM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bittermoonlight
What do you do to snap out of such a mindset? How do you give your confidence a good dusting?

A couple of possibilities -

- Arrange to do the thing you feel most comfortable with or that you're best at with your friend who most enjoys that thing.
- Get a top with a lot of positive energy to co-top a scene with you. Sometimes when I'm not really feeling it, an enthusiastic fellow top can pull me into topspace.
- Get your friends together to try something you've been wanting to try. Hot wax, mummification, intricate rope bondage, "servant" scenes and such make great small-group activities.

Whatever you choose to do, wear something that you think looks great on you and is comfortable, and that makes you feel the part. And pick music that gets you in the right mood. That helps a lot.

Good luck!

(in reply to bittermoonlight)

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RE: Like riding a bicycle... not. - 3/31/2009 9:33:51 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Are you talking about non-professional domination, or pro-femdom sessions? My answer would depend on the nature of the domination.
Akasha

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RE: Like riding a bicycle... not. - 3/31/2009 2:10:05 PM

bittermoonlight

Posts: 48
Joined: 2/28/2007
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Non-professional. I have nothing against the pros, of course!

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RE: Like riding a bicycle... not. - 4/1/2009 1:02:23 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I'm a switch, and recently ended a nearly 4 year relationship as a submissive, so I'm still kind of getting back into gear for domination and topping. I did a little bit with someone I went out with recently, and it really clicked right away for me. I also took a hands-on workshop on using singletails, but I'm not ready to use one on a person yet, I need more practice on inanimate objects first. It was nice kind of exploring that side of things, though.

For me, there would be very different approaches to trying to get into the "mood" as a Domme, as a top, or feeling primal/predatory. Some things that might feed my Domme side might include being pampered (massage, low-key service, possibly putting my feet up on him (not as a footstool, per se, but in his lap), a particularly subservient/obedient demeanor (I'm probably putting that badly, but there's just this look of aching submission that pushes my buttons like crazy). If I wanted more of a predatory feel, I'd probably go more with wrestling, biting, etc. - getting very physical and pinning him down while he struggles/resists. If I'm topping without D/s, then maybe start with more of a sensation play scene, and work up to heavier stuff if the mood hit us, but not worry too much about the outcome. If you give yourself permission to be a little hmm, not quite selfish, but focused primarily on doing what you feel like in the moment, without worrying too much about where it's going to go, I think that will help. Pulling hair usually works for me, too, for all of the above.