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RE: unreasonable request - 4/4/2009 3:18:21 PM

jstmi

Posts: 85
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

we were establishing a base of friendship and trust as we began to know each other, there was no cyber but i did feel some red flags could have been thrown at any point in the discussions. such as not telling me much about Himself and not having a normal vanilla discussion about what O/our lives are about. He chose to be very aggressive with the desire for me to commit to Him and this certainly was not acceptable behavior for a prospective Dom to be this way.

i have since told Him i will not have any communications any longer

thanks for all the great responses

jstmi

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 21

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 12:13:09 AM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

Your question reminds Me of something I read recently:

"A skilled and insightful military officer is wise to never give a command that he KNOWS will not be obeyed."

I think it applies here.

Either the Dom/me risks losing your respect and the authority you invest in Him,

AND/OR

He exposes you to possible negative consquenses from society at large (what good is your service from the local lockup?),

AND/OR

He risks the possibility that you will internalize the failure and will suffer emotionally as a result.

None of these are conducive to a happy and healthy future relationship.

_____________________________

Lady Kathryn
Athens, Ga.
House of Phoenix

"Nothing is ever final until you're dead - and even then I'm sure God negotiates" Anjelica Huston in Everafter

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 22

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 12:37:48 AM

InTonguesslave

Posts: 342
Joined: 2/6/2009
Status: offline

i think there are plenty of other ways to 'test' a subs willingness to please that doesnt involve public display of this kind.

personally my feelings on 'testing' anyone be they D or s shouldnt be necessary.

the thing i would be thinking would be - whats next? - if he's asking you to do this then are there going to be more public display requests, is this a kink of his, sounds like it

i think that on balance youve made the right decision on him. im sorry it hasnt worked out for you, but i think youve spared youreself an unsettling experience all round.

< Message edited by InTonguesslave -- 4/6/2009 12:41:45 AM >

_____________________________

aka lally

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 23

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 3:12:50 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

It might be the storms we are having right now but once again I agree with both posts of Focus50. Mind you he often makes jolly good posts but we appear to view the nature of the universe and mankind from opposing poles..

As one who lived in Bundaberg for a coupla years waaaaay back in the 70's, I've had first-hand experience that Queenslanders view most things from an opposite pole to everyone else..... ;-)

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 24

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 8:38:08 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Lally, I respectfully disagree. Submitting when everything is easy is one thing. Having a sub cross over certain preset comfort boundaries can show the depth of their devotion. Mind you, the sub always has the right to say no - however the consequences may be the end of the relationship as the example here shows.

I once tested my Master in a small way. I decided that I would show almost no reactions during a session to see if it would make any difference in his enjoyment level, and I found that it made a huge difference. That was something that I felt I needed to know, whether he would get more enjoyment from it if he knew that I did. I needed to prove to myself that I was more than a piece of meat. I let him know afterward what I had done and he praised me for testing him and said it was a good thing. Each time I contacted him in need of something it gave me a chance to test whether he would be willing to help me when needed. I wasn't setting him up for failure - I was seeing if the level of trust I had given him was warranted (and it was).

Each time I have been tested in my relationship I have grown from it. I have been able to do things that I never thought were possible, and each time it left me feeling stronger and more sure of myself. That doesn't mean that I was never scared or never had any reservations about it. I simply chose to overcome my own discomforts to prove to my Master what he and our journey meant to me. Most Doms/Masters test their subs for this very reason - to allow them to show their trust and to grow. It has a very valuable place in the BDSM world. Each submissive needs to know when to draw the line and that is a very personal matter.

_____________________________

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 25

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 9:31:40 AM

fantasy69maker

Posts: 86
Joined: 3/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jstmi

i would like to ask the Doms opinion if they have ever asked a submissive whom You are training to perform a task that seemed ok because You wanted them to prove their eagerness to please. but this task involved something like touching oneself and this sub was parked and in clear view of a building.

Please answer with Your thoughts on this task, would You require the sub to do it without question OR would You be more pleased and proud with them if they said no and spoke up to You.

Thanks in advance

jstmi

First off ANY task is acceptable . The basis though is that he truly knows you and your situation.
For instance in your case if he had known that from the building you couldnt actually see into the car it might be significant.
I have subs who enjoyed showing off under orders. I once had one pull up to a comercial building and change in front of it . She was certainly scensable to call me and tell me there were men there looking out the windows.If it had been something I hadnt known I might have aborted the request, later she was introduced to my friends who had helped. She was smart to call and she trusted to be senceable. .
A Dom who sends you out in the desert to masterbate nude on the car hood might not know that the "Religious Law Officers of America" had chosen that spot for a meeting.
The key here is that it wasnt reasonable at this stage in your relationship. You didnt know him well enough to trust him and he was wanting you to prove it.That tells me that he didnt trust you either.

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 26

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 12:15:07 PM

LordShadow

Posts: 172
Joined: 7/13/2004
Status: offline

Greetings,

I have required such things. I do not do them to see if they will stand up to me, I do it to see if they will obey. If she does what I have required then I know that she is ready for the next phase, if she doesn't then I need to find out why and either revisit the training phase from another angle or cut her loose.

_____________________________

Ride Hard Live Free
Shadow

True beauty is not seen with the eyes but rather felt in the heart...

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 27

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 1:55:28 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

It might be the storms we are having right now but once again I agree with both posts of Focus50. Mind you he often makes jolly good posts but we appear to view the nature of the universe and mankind from opposing poles..

As one who lived in Bundaberg for a coupla years waaaaay back in the 70's, I've had first-hand experience that Queenslanders view most things from an opposite pole to everyone else..... ;-)

Focus.

Ohhh dear my friend you too have tasted the views of the Queenslander. I am at odds with them still after being here for almost 15 years. Prior to that I based out of Perth WA but was born and bread a Victorian. Still I support the Broncos and Qld in State of Origine. No my views and way of seeing things are not based on anythibng but my own view of life strongly influenced by those who were bere Colononial Australian.. It is because we see things so dofferently that I enjoy and value your posts, it is both refreshing and educational..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 28

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 2:01:42 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

FR

As a sub type person I have done this kind of thing many a time, never been particularly worried about it to be honest, course it depends on certain things. However I think the ability to speak up is always a positive thing, being honest about fears and doubts is actually crucial to a relationship. You have to set your own parameters of acceptability and then if your partner doesnt agree then its something you have to work on either by ending it or changing boundries.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 29

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 9:44:06 PM

Siouxzie3333

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/26/2009
Status: offline

"grow" to be real time? This is obviously a man who wants to give commands and control you without proving himself to be worthy of your submission in person and with his demands.

If you're uncomfortable and he has no idea what the area you're in really looks like, considering it's your home and YOU have to live there, please get rid of this loser. He's the kind that everyone warns you about.

God I hate a wannabe power tripper!!!

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 30

RE: unreasonable request - 4/6/2009 9:46:09 PM

Siouxzie3333

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/26/2009
Status: offline

reminds me of a journal posting under my profile... if you're interested.....

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 31

RE: unreasonable request - 4/8/2009 6:03:09 AM

MasterRaid

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/16/2008
From: The Brink of insanity.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslave

i think there are plenty of other ways to 'test' a subs willingness to please that doesnt involve public display of this kind.

personally my feelings on 'testing' anyone be they D or s shouldnt be necessary.

the thing i would be thinking would be - whats next? - if he's asking you to do this then are there going to be more public display requests, is this a kink of his, sounds like it

i think that on balance youve made the right decision on him. im sorry it hasnt worked out for you, but i think youve spared youreself an unsettling experience all round.

Read this and it prompted Me to respond.. I agree whole heartedly with intoungeslave here. I knew a local fellow Dom who told Me how he decided on his current slave. He said that He was speaking with her online for about 6 months and decided to test her to see how devoted she would be. Out of the blue He said "I desire cookies, I do not care what kind only that they be made by you and arrive to Me fresh and with as few of them unbroken as possible. I do not care if they are good or bad, if you know how to cook or not. All I require is that you make them and get them to Me fresh." Well she got him some cookies they were fresh and He said they were good. Now at first I did not agree with this act He did, what if the girl hated cooking or did not know how to cook? To make a perspective subbmissive or slave spend thier monies to ship something is also a bit on the far end for a "perspective slave" as they do not yet belong to you. But, the more I thought on the matter the more I liked the idea. It was not a harmful request and He did pose a challenge to the girl. Also the act she would have done would demonstrate, on her part, her willingness to please and ability to get the job done. Since then I have been using this request for My own prospective sub/slaves, and I must admit it works quite well. It weeds out the ones who I see later having trouble with other Doms and shows Me the ones who are turning out to be good girls and move onto very productive relationships. So again I agree with intoungeslave, look for the Doms who do not force you into hazardous situations and find the ones who want cookies.......(chuckles)

_____________________________

First rule in dealing with the Devil............................
..................................................................DON'T!

(in reply to InTonguesslave)

Post #: 32

RE: unreasonable request - 4/8/2009 6:25:05 AM

marysdream

Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
Status: offline

as a submissive i believe that the trust you put in this person to keep you safe is the most important. i am not sure if this is an on line request, which is a hard limit for me anyway. i would hope you have established a trusting real relationship with this person, please do not allow those wonderful vulnerable feelings of surrender to go against your common sense. and as far as saying "no" hmmm never in that context....although you should be able to discuss your feelings and reservations with him in a true D/s relationship.
good luck
ree

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 33

RE: unreasonable request - 4/9/2009 9:45:30 AM

jstmi

Posts: 85
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

hi
in response to marysdream and Siouxzie3333

no worries He is history, yes i am tired of wannabes too- good riddance.

becky_M2

formerly jstmi

(in reply to marysdream)

Post #: 34

RE: unreasonable request - 4/10/2009 9:13:23 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

this was going to grow to be real time, i was not simply chatting to some stranger.

Yes you were - clearly. You did not know him, and he did not know you.

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 35

RE: unreasonable request - 4/10/2009 3:10:48 PM

Kaiel

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Asking someone to break a federal law that could get them on a register's list would not be something I would do.

ditto!

_____________________________

I keep My expectations and thread counts high- "catitude"

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 36

RE: unreasonable request - 4/11/2009 5:08:36 PM

MasterDarkSadist

Posts: 60
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

This is a question that cannot be easily answered. What part of town are you in, what kind of building are you next to. What kind of care do you drive, and are the windows tinted out? What are you wearing? What exactly does the task require of you.
1. If the car you drive is tinted out, and you can accomplish said task without a high level of risk of being caught (almost nil) then the task is acceptable.
2. Does your dominant know where you are (did you tell him)
3. Yes, you should obey without question, (but informing said dominant of your current situation is not questioning, it is informing him of potential risks that he may not have taken into account).
4. If the building you are next to is closed (offices that are closed after business hours) and you are there after business hours and it is dark, you have tinted out windows, your clothing allows the task to be accomplished without any exposure, and such...

Given the above conditions, I would not see a problem with accomplishing this task. Stripping her nude, and making her do it on a busy street corner, I see the problem with that. In a parking garage, at night, etc....I don't see a problem, because an intelligent person can see how a woman could do this without risk of exposure. Hell, I had a slave of mine play with herself using a dildo and viberator while I drove around......I just did it at night, etc...so that nobody could see what was going on. Fun for me, fun for her.

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 37

RE: unreasonable request - 4/12/2009 1:11:10 PM

jstmi

Posts: 85
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterDarkSadist

This is a question that cannot be easily answered. What part of town are you in, what kind of building are you next to. What kind of care do you drive, and are the windows tinted out? What are you wearing? What exactly does the task require of you.
1. If the car you drive is tinted out, and you can accomplish said task without a high level of risk of being caught (almost nil) then the task is acceptable.
2. Does your dominant know where you are (did you tell him)
3. Yes, you should obey without question, (but informing said dominant of your current situation is not questioning, it is informing him of potential risks that he may not have taken into account).
4. If the building you are next to is closed (offices that are closed after business hours) and you are there after business hours and it is dark, you have tinted out windows, your clothing allows the task to be accomplished without any exposure, and such...

Given the above conditions, I would not see a problem with accomplishing this task. Stripping her nude, and making her do it on a busy street corner, I see the problem with that. In a parking garage, at night, etc....I don't see a problem, because an intelligent person can see how a woman could do this without risk of exposure. Hell, I had a slave of mine play with herself using a dildo and viberator while I drove around......I just did it at night, etc...so that nobody could see what was going on. Fun for me, fun for her.

i'd like to address all the questions MasterDarkSadist- thank you for your opinion but please read below.
this happened over 10 days ago when i thought i was getting to know someone who turned out to be a creep-

this was something i immediately said was out of the question - He thought i was disobeying. Please read below for the explanation of your points

1. No tint on my car -
2. i have addressed this 3 times - i did tell him exactly where i was and what was near and that i was in plain view.
3. pardon me but i will have to disagree- since when is it ok to "obey without question" when i would be clearly breaking the law and possibly risk embarrassment of an arrest.
4. It was about 5pm central and it was still light out.

Happily, it brought me to grow closer to someone i am quite fond of. So i guess you take the bad with the good.

Happy to not be abused any longer by wannabes

becky_M2{a}

formerly jstmi

(in reply to MasterDarkSadist)

Post #: 38

RE: unreasonable request - 4/12/2009 2:38:11 PM

MasterDarkSadist

Posts: 60
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

jstmi, I did not say that one should obey someone who did not have their best interests at heart. What I did say is that I (me personally) want a slave to obey without question, which requires me to provide them no logical reason to disobey. My points were more along the lines of how it could be acceptably done, not that this is how your particular case played out.

Given what you have said about what actually happened in your case, you were correct in your belief that the request was inappropriate.

It is difficult to draw difinitive lines, as each case plays out differently. Therefore, I had to post a hypothetical scenerio which could have been accomplished with acceptable results. Sadly, this is not how your particular case played out, so my hypothetical situation is moot, when applied directly to your case. It is not moot when applied in general...and it does show some ways to get around some of the hard and fast "risk/reward" issues.

It is impossible to state anything as a hard and fast fact. Everything has a shade of grey, even if we cannot first see it. Around here, it seems that some of our computer monitors are not of such clarity that we can see those grey areas, which is truly a sad misgiving. Maybe it is just society in general, I do not know, but unless we think outside of the box, we will be forever confined to it.

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 39

RE: unreasonable request - 4/12/2009 4:07:35 PM

jstmi

Posts: 85
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

MasterDarkSadist
thank You for the clarification and i do appreciate Your response. yes if this had been a reasonable request i would have obeyed it without question.

this sort of request raised the last of a few red flags i was seeing all along.

thanks and the best to You

becky_M2{a}

formerly jstmi

(in reply to MasterDarkSadist)

Post #: 40

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