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dreamerdreaming -> RE: Unhappy Sub and Master in need of HELP (4/6/2009 7:45:59 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
My first thought while reading the OPs post was "This isn't BDSM problem, it's a relationship problem".
I saw these in you original post:
quote:
I could tell her to do anything and she would do it for me, every guy's dream right?
I just continued along for the ride and the whole Dom/sub thing just seemed like a "relationship-made-easy" to me.
However, once again seeking the easy way out, most of these resolutions were promises of a better tomorrow that I never delivered.
and I just kept putting it off
Relationships require effort and need to be constantly maintained, sounds like you didn't.
Next:
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Hurtful things we would have never said to each other in the early days became a regular part of our arguments. Something to remember is that you can apologize for saying terrible things, but you can't ever make them "unsaid". Once said, they never go away. So, perhaps keeping a handle on your tongues would be a good place to start. (Sounds like you're both guilty of this)
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She began to question whether or not I ever actually wanted to be her dom, and that my shortcomings were evident in my lack of creativity and spontaneity when it came to my Masterly duties. Has she ever been in a full time D/s relationship? Have you ever sat down and discussed her expectations? Because it sounds like she might be a little unrealistic. Seriously, a full time D/s relationship is made up of 95% vanilla activities. I don't expect Master to be in Dominant Mode 24/7, it would be impossible.
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How can I possibly express myself as a Master to someone who isn't interested in being my slave? You can't. Only she can decide if you're her "Master". All you can do is pull your shit together and be yourself. Either she'll come around or she won't. Understand that actions always speak louder than words. You've been all words and no action.
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underneath all of this messiness our bond is still there and I know we'll always be together. But being together isn't enough, I want us to be together AND be happy (go figure huh?). [&:] The two of you have done so much damage to this relationship, I tend to doubt it. (That's coming from someone with a background in relationship counseling) Neither one of you has put in the effort, the communication or taken responsibility for what is happening.
[sm=goodpost.gif][sm=agree.gif]
Edited to add: I also agree with Kirata, and others here. Who's domming who?
As it stands, she's domming you- which would be fine if that's what both of you wanted.
OP: you may not want to hear the "negative" comments but paradoxically those are the ones that may be more constructive, or positive- if you would just open up your heart and mind to receive them. We have all been there, done that. Stick a fork in this D/s relationship, its done. Just learn what you can from it, and move forward.
If you do not learn better, you'll continue to make the same mistakes and fuck up your next relationship, and the one after that, etc. and on and on...
If I can think of anything better to say I'll come back to this thread, but bottom line:
Sometimes love, and/or whatever else you've got going for you, just isn't enough.
You can keep on going for years if you both want to, with a relationship that has already been ruined. But whatever you both can do to try to fix things may not be enough, so that you end up soldiering on for years in a deeply unfullfilling relationship that sucks the life out of both of you.
Sometimes ending it really is the best, most loving thing you can do for your partner and/or yourself.
Everyone should have maximum opportunity for self-realization or self-actualization, IMHO. Would you deny her the opportunity for true happiness and fulfillment? And how about your own? The two of you may not be able to find it with each other.
Quitting can be a good thing, sometimes. A way to learn and move forward.
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